Authors: Martha Bourke
Reyn leaned his face in his hands and shook his head.
Pax walked down the compound hallway, stopped at Helen’s door, and took a deep breath.
This certainly reached new heights in douche baggery.
Was he doing the right thing? What other choice did he have? His buddy was on a course to totally self-destruct. He couldn’t let that happen.
Damn the fucking consequences.
He knocked quietly. After a moment the door opened.
Too late now.
“Pax?”
He looked up and down the hall nervously. “Hey, ah, could I talk to you?”
“Of course. Come in.”
She closed the door behind them and Pax pulled out the desk chair and sat down.
Make yourself right at home, motherfucker.
Helen sat across from him on the bed. “So, what’s up? Something tells me this isn’t a social call.”
“If I tell you something as my doctor, you couldn’t tell anyone, right? Privilege and all that?”
She nodded. “As your doctor, I would be bound, yes.”
“Well, it’s not about me exactly. It’s Diesel.”
“Oh, I see. Is this a medical concern?”
He took her lack of reaction as a good sign. “Yeah, actually, it is. I…I wouldn’t have come to you, but I’m the only one who knows and I swear to God, I don’t know how to help him.”
Helen looked him in the eye. “Pax, whatever it is, I won’t divulge anything I receive in confidence.” The female leaned forward and put her hand on his. “As your friend.”
Please let this be the right thing.
He took a deep breath and let it out. “Diesel went through some stuff in Iraq. He did three tours, you know?”
“No, I didn’t realize he’d done so many.”
He nodded. “Yeah, and, ah, he’s been having trouble sleeping and regulating his moods since he got back. Do you need to write this stuff down or..?”
She shook her head. “Nope, this is just a friendly conversation. Don’t worry. I have a great memory for detail. Now, did he have any particularly difficult experiences while he was overseas?”
Pax nodded. “He lost his best friend when their Humvee hit an IED.”
“Okay. What kinds of changes have you noticed in Diesel’s behavior?”
He thought for a moment. “Well, he’s always been kind of keyed up since I’ve known him. He’s always liked to drink.”
“When did you two meet?”
“About eight months ago.”
“Over the last eight months, what do you think have been the biggest changes you’ve seen?”
“I think his mood swings are much more frequent and a lot more dramatic. He’s so erratic. One minute he’s laughing and then the next, he can get really irritable. Last night was the worst I’ve ever seen it. That’s why I decided to talk to you.”
“Is he self-medicating?”
“Yeah, at this point, definitely. He’s drinking a lot.”
“What about drugs?”
“No. No way. Dies won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Anything else?”
“Well, he, ah…he has…
Oh, my dear good lord.
He has a lot of sex.”
“Okay. Is that something new?”
“No. Well, yeah. We partied some when we first met, but we were just goofing around. I mean, we could take it or leave it, you know? Now it’s like with the drinking. Like he’s using it to control his moods or adrenaline.”
“This may be a hard one to answer, but does he have nightmares?”
“He’s never said it, but I think he does sometimes. He’ll call at like two in the morning and want to go out. I think maybe it’s after he’s had one.”
“She nodded. Okay. Look, Pax, based on what you’ve told me, Diesel has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is incredibly common with Iraq vets. And, from what you’re describing, it sounds like it may be getting worse. You did the right thing coming to me.”
“You won’t say anything about this though?”
“Nope, not a word. Not unless you think it’s affecting his work. Then I’ll have to ask him to speak with Reyn. For now, I’ll just check in with him as a friend. Maybe give him some information he doesn’t know about. Okay?”
Pax nodded and stood up. “Hey, thanks a lot…for being so cool about this.”
“No problem. You know I’ve seen this before. Diesel’s very lucky to have a friend like you.”
Yeah, I’m really sure he’s gonna see it that way
.
Victrixa looked up at the door to her office and wished she could kill whoever was on the other side of it with a glance.
Someday, perhaps.
One could always hope. Or take someone else’s power.
“Come in,” she said with irritation.
“Victrixa?”
She stared pointedly at her head scientist. “Yes, Roman, what is it?”
“This young soldier here has some information you might find useful.”
Her demeanor immediately changed. “Oh, very well then. Thank you, Roman. You may wait outside.”
“What’s your name, soldier?”
“Devin, ma’am.”
“Well, Devin, I’d like to thank you for your service in the Initiative program.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“So, my head scientist thinks you might have some important information to share?”
“Yeah. A couple of nights ago, I was out with a
hellion
and I observed what appeared to be an encounter between two of our soldiers from the Initiative, a
hellion,
and a member of the Order.”
“I see.”
“I was confused at first. As I said I could only see one
hellion
and I wondered how one New Breed alone could have taken down a shifter’s
hellion
in such an uneven fight.”
“Go on,” Victrixa urged.
“Only as I got closer, I realized I had been mistaken. Two of the shifters were from the Order and only one was from the Initiative. Your…uh…”
Victrixa balled her fists to contain her aggravation at what she was all too sure she would hear next. “Continue.”
“One of the shifters fighting for the Order was your daughter, ma’am. That’s how I got confused.”
“I see.”
“There’s more, actually. You see, uh, she wasn’t just fighting for the Order. She’s, uh, well, she’s a New Breed, ma’am.”
Victrixa bit down so hard on her teeth she could have broken them in half. It took all of her self-control not to strangle the little puke. “I’m sorry, what makes you say that?”
“Well, I would never make such an accusation based on increased strength and speed alone, although I’ve fought with Ana before and she is definitely stronger and faster. But there was something else. By the time I got there, they had taken down our soldiers and the last
hellion
. As they turned to go, I yelled her name. She must have turned around out of habit. And, ma’am, when she looked at me, her eyes glowed just as gold as the sun.”
Victrixa’s fingernails dug so far into the palms of her hands, she drew blood. “Well, thank you for bringing this to my attention, soldier. I’ll be sure you receive the proper commendation.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
As Devin turned to go, Victrixa pulled a knife from her boot and stabbed him in the back.
“Roman!” she hollered.
The scientist opened the door. “Yes, Victrix—”
“Get rid of him,” she barked.
She stepped over his body and walked away.
Ana watched her laptop screen and wrinkled her nose.
Fuck me.
Well, looked like it was a good thing she put that mini cam in Mommie Dearest’s office after all.
Damn.
SE was gonna blow a gasket.
She headed to the closet, undressed, and pulled on her leathers. She opened her weapons cabinet and started to arm herself.
SE walked into the closet. “Hey, I almost missed you. Heading out?”
“Yeah, in a few minutes. Listen, we need to talk when I get back. You think you’ll be up?”
“Probably. I usually don’t sleep until you’re back in. Everything okay,
ihkweea
?”
“Yep. I just don’t have time right now. I’m supposed to meet Dimitri in five.”
SE slid his hand into the back of her hair and kissed her good-bye. “Be safe.”
“I will.”
“
Ketapaanene.
”
“I love you, too, my male.”
Her lips met his and she dematerialized.
Helen made herself comfortable on Diesel’s bed. “So, what’s tonight’s flick?”
He handed her a beer. “That would be Pulp Fiction.”
“Good choice. I haven’t seen that in ages.”
The big male plopped down on the bed next to her and she forced herself into doctor mode. It was never easy with a friend, but if anyone deserved her help, Diesel did.
“Excited to set up the lab tomorrow, Doc?”
She laughed. “Pretty much going out of my freaking mind.”
“Yeah, it’s gonna rock. Wait ‘til you see all the shit X picked out.”
“He got more than what I asked for?”
Diesel grinned. “Yeah, well, I might have picked out a couple of extra things, too.”
She gave a pretend scream and smacked his shoulder. She hit his dog tags by mistake and took them in her hand to stop them from moving. She looked at each one. “Hey, Dies, how long were you in Iraq?”
He took a sip of beer. “Three tours.”
“Wow, that’s a lot. Can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
Diesel shook his head. “You and your questions. Fire away.”
She looked directly into his green eyes. “The other night, when you got out of bed and said Pax had texted you? Did you have a nightmare?”
He looked away, and for a moment she thought he wasn’t going to answer.
“Yeah, I get those sometimes.”
“About the war?”
He nodded.
“Wanna talk about it?”
He shrugged. “I dunno. You don’t need to hear this crap.”
“Oh, please. Did I ever tell you my father was a vet? Yeah. Navy fighter pilot.” She took a swig of her beer. “So, trust me. I’ve heard it all.”
“Okay. Well, we were out on patrol one night, my buddy Will and I. It was just after we found out Obama had decided to end the war. We were all in a great mood. Knew we were going home soon. Which was good. Iraqis didn’t want us there at that point anyway.”
“So you were a Combat Medic.”
He nodded. “Yeah. It’s funny. You know, sometimes I hated being on patrol as a medic. You’d sit in the Humvee forever, like you were breakable or some shit.” He sighed. “Anyway, we were driving and we were taking it slow. Never knew when some fucking pothole or a bunch of refuse would be the last thing you ever saw. Lot of great places to hide IEDs.” His eyes took on a faraway look. “I remember I spotted some trash. At the time, I didn’t know why I was the only one seeing it. I’m yelling, but we’re still headed right for it.”
“Your shifter sight?”
“Yeah. I was the only shifter out there. They just had no idea what the hell I was hollering about. The next thing I know, I’m lying in the dirt staring at the Humvee as it goes up in flames. There’s ammunition kicking off all over the goddamn place and I can’t get close enough to do anything. All I could do was watch my buddy burn. And I just had no idea how I got out, you know?”
“Were you thrown out?”
He dropped his head. “That’s what I thought for a long time.”
She lowered her own. “What do you mean? Dies?”
He clamped his mouth so tight his dimples showed. Finally, “After I went through the transition, I realized I’d gleamed out just before we hit the IED.”
“You gleamed before your second transition?”
“It can happen like that sometimes. Like Ana, I suppose. It was probably the adrenaline. It didn’t happen again until after I was a New Breed.”
Here goes nothing.
“You know, I can help you with the nightmares. Are you having any other symptoms of PTSD?”
“Maybe.”
She kicked at his leg. “No attitude. Yes or no.”
He nodded.
“Any anxiety or hypervigilance?”
“Yes.”
“How are you managing? Alcohol?”
“I could probably be drinking less.”
“Anything else?” She waited. “Not gonna say. That’s fine. Look, the point is, I can help you with a lot of this, Diesel.”
He shook his head. “No. No help.”
“Why are you being so stubborn about this?”
Oh, God.
Why hadn’t she figured this out before? Survivor’s guilt.
Christ, Helen.
Talk about off your game. “You don’t think you deserve it.”
“I deserted my men.”
“The survival instinct is incredibly strong. You put a shifter in a situation like that and—”
“He was my best friend, Doc. Why the fuck couldn’t it have been the protective instinct, you know?”
She put her hand on his leg. “I know.” She stood up, went to the mini fridge and took out two more beers. “Listen, I’ve got a deal for you.”
“This should be good.”
“My deals always are. I will go out on your bike with you if you’ll try one med to help with the PTSD.”
“You’re kidding, right? You’re terrified of that thing.”
She crossed her arms. “Take it or leave it.”
He shook his head. “Jesus, you are one tough female, you know that?”
“Will you think about it?”
“Yeah, definitely.”
“Good. Now get that movie rolling.”
SE paced back and forth and shook his head.
His mate blocked his path and took his hands in hers. “We wouldn’t even know about it if we didn’t have the mini cam in her office, right? And we knew she would find out. It was just a matter of time.”
He looked into her big, green eyes. “Okay, I’m going to tell you something and I guarantee you’re gonna flip out, but…I’ve been questioning whether or not you should be fighting.”
She looked totally confused. “What? Why?”
“I think there’s a good chance Victrixa will order a direct hit on you.”
She was quiet.
He continued. “I just don’t know if you should be out there. It’s an additional risk. It’s a major risk.”
She looked up into his face. “Okay, I can see where you’d get the idea from. Logically, it makes sense. But it’s not going to happen.”
“How can you say that,
ihkweea?
You’ve seen the video. And you know what she’s like.”
“I do. Better than anyone. You have to trust me when I say she’s not going to do that.”
“Why the hell not? She had you tortured for Chrissakes!”
“She did, yes, for information.”
He crossed his arms with an impatient sigh. “You’re acting like she’s some kind of saint.”
She put her hands on his chest. “No, I’m not. Look at me, my male.”
He dropped his gaze back to his mate’s and listened.
“You know why she killed that soldier, right?”
“She was pissed.”
“Yes, she was pissed, but that’s not the main reason. She killed him to keep him quiet. She doesn’t want anyone to know I’m fighting with the Order, much less as a New Breed.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “She could still order a hit. That would be very quiet and effective. She could have that torturer of hers do it, assuming he’s still breathing.”
She shook her head. “Even if he’s still alive, that male’s no marksman. And she wouldn’t have him do it anyway, SE. Trust me.”
“I do. You know I do. I just don’t know how you can be so sure.”
She walked away to the dark window, and what his female said next froze his blood stone cold. “I know because her anger with me is at a whole new level now. I’ve seen this before, SE. She won’t have anyone else kill me, because she wants to do it herself.”
“God, she smells good,” Dimitri said, as he held baby Maya at the dinner table the following evening. “How do they manufacture that stuff?”
One of these days Adriana was going to get used to two hundred and fifty pound males passing around her eight pound daughter. Just not tonight, apparently. She knew she wasn’t being quite fair. They were all incredibly gentle with her. She looked around the table. The brothers looked at the offspring with nothing short of total adoration.
Troy laughed as he watched Dimitri with the baby, and Adriana smiled. It was good to have the male with them for a meal. It happened so seldom.
“Would you pass the chicken, Dies?” X asked. “We had the best night last night. Killed a whole shitload of mutants. Felt good for a change, dig?”
“No shop talk at the table, please, Xavier,” Adriana said.
“Sorry, mama.”
Dimitri handed Maya to Ana who was waiting with a bottle. She watched the female feed her offspring. God, they were so cute together.
“So, James, you up for your first workout tomorrow?”
James looked up. “Yeah, definitely. Whenever you are, coach.”
Pax laughed. “Aw, man, don’t call me that. You’re giving me full-on, locker room flashbacks.”
Everyone laughed.
James flushed. “Sorry.”
SE slapped the young male’s shoulder. “He’s just razzing you, James. It just means you fit in.”
Pax nodded. “Hell, yeah. James will have a good head start on his training before his transition. He’s gonna kick some serious ass afterward. Right, Dies? Dies?”
Adriana looked down the table and realized Diesel was sound asleep with his chin in his hand.
“Diesel!” Pax called.
Startled awake, the brother face planted straight into his mashed potatoes. He picked his head up, his usual three day beard white like Santa Claus. “Hmm?”
The roar of laughter from the table was so loud, Geoffrey ran into the room like there was a fire.
“Oh, my fuckin’ God! I can’t believe I picked tonight to stay for dinner!” Troy roared.
Helen handed Diesel a napkin.
As Adriana took a very grumpy Maya and put her over her shoulder, she looked down the table at Pax. He wasn’t laughing. He had the strangest expression on his face. He looked almost…worried.
Reyn crossed his arms. “So, suffice to say, it looks like you’re off that extra duty, Diesel.”
“Because I fell asleep at the dinner table? Are you serious? What are you, my dad?”
“I’m going to ignore that. It’s not your decision to make. It’s mine. And I’m not only looking out for your sorry ass. I’m looking out for everyone. If you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re not safe in the field. And that’s not a risk I’m willing to take. Not by a longshot.”
Diesel threw up his arms. “What, now I’m not safe in the field?”
“I didn’t say that. What the hell’s the matter with you tonight, anyway?”
“Nothing. If you need me, I’ll be
in the field
, boss.”
“Jesus,” Richard said as Diesel almost flattened him in the doorway. “What the hell is up with him?”
“I wish I knew. It may be time I brought it to a higher power, but I’m reluctant to do it.”
Richard reached behind him and closed the door. “How is she?”
Reyn shook his head. “She’s tired, Richard. And worried. She tries to hide it, but…”
“Have you talked about getting more recruits? I think we need to face the facts. Regardless of how we change strategy, we are vastly outnumbered.”
“I know. And she knows it, too. She just needs about six more of herself.”
“That bad.”
Reyn sighed. “Worse.”
“Jesus. Alright, look. Before we put something else on her plate, I’ll check on Diesel.”
“Are you sure? I know how you hate that Obi-Wan shit.”
“Well, I’d say it’s early yet, but if it comes down to it, I will. You know, there’s always Pax.”
“I don’t know. I hate the idea of asking him to break any confidences he might have.”
Richard nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll handle it if we need to.”
“Thanks. The thing is, I…”
“Everything okay?”
“Not really. I’m worried about her, Richard. I probably shouldn’t be saying this. I’m sure I’ll get a divine ass-kicking when I see her, but she’s in danger. Every time she comes here, she has to cross through her own world first
—
her own part of the Otherworld.”
“The part where I assume the other gods are, the ones who destroyed her in the first place?”
“Exactly. So far, she’s been able to do it undetected. I’m sure that’s got something to do with her being technically dead. But for how long? How many trips? As far as I’m concerned, the more we can handle on our own, the better.”
“I agree. Seriously though, what else can they do to her?”
A chill made its way down Reyn’s spine. “Christ only knows.” Okaaay. Why the hell was the brother looking at him all WTF? Had he just grown ten extra heads? “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Reyn, your eyes are glowing.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Helen handed Diesel a mug of coffee and grabbed a box cutter. The new lab was shaping up very nicely. She could hardly wait to start running tests.
“Thanks.” He took a sip. “This is good. Did you Keurig this, Doc?”
“Yep.”
“What kind is it?”
“Dark Magic Extra Bold.”
He took another swig. “Huh. Who the fuck knew?”
She gave him her best smart ass grin. “I did.”
“Cute. So, I’ve been thinking about what you said. You know, the Harley thing.”
Riiight.
“You mean the trade the med for the Harley thing.”
He cleared his throat. “That’s what I meant. So, how about going this afternoon?”
She shook her head. What a PIA. “I’m serious about the deal, Dies.”
“Oh, I know that. It’s just the weather’s supposed to be good and you know Boston in the winter.”
She stopped what she was doing and looked up into his eyes. Those damn eyes. No wonder he had so much sex.
Jackass.
“Don’t you want to know what med it is?”
“Actually, no. The more I know the more it will just freak me out. I’ll leave it to you.”
“This afternoon then.” Her voice trembled.
He put his hand on her shoulder. “There’s nothing to be afraid of. You know I would never let anything happen to you, right?”
She did. She really did. But she’d never been very good at giving up control. She nodded.
He smiled. “Okay. Let’s leave around one so we have enough light. Let’s get the rest of this unpacking done so we can leave on time.”
“Okay,” she said without much enthusiasm.
“Don’t worry so much, Doc. You’re gonna love it. I promise.”
An hour later Helen was standing in the garage watching Diesel check some mechanical things on the bike.
Bike
. She hated that term. Bikes came with baskets and bells and training wheels. This thing was a god awful monster.
“Okay. You’ll ride behind me and I want you to hold on tight, okay? This helmet should fit you.”
He put the damn thing on her head and wouldn’t you know, she started to shake. He took it back off. His beautiful, green eyes were full of concern for her. She would have been touched if she weren’t about to vomit on his boots.
“You don’t have to do this, you know. I’ll still try a med.”
No. No way. She wasn’t about to punk out. Opportunity was knocking. It was a whole new experience, right? She took a deep breath and told herself to embrace it. “No, I want to.”
“If you want to stop at any point, just grab my leg real hard. I won’t be able to hear you when we’re moving. I promise, I’ll gleam you straight home and go back for the bike. The ride ends when you want it to.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
She watched intently as Diesel got on first. He raised the kickstand and set the bike upright.
“Alright. You’re going to put your foot on this peg and swing your leg over, kind of like you’re getting on a horse. Use my shoulders for balance.”
Helen did as she was told.
“Good. I want you to keep your hands on my hips and keep your feet on the pegs at all times, even when we’re stopped. Other than that, just remember to lean with me, okay?”
Helen exhaled. “Right.”
“Okay, I’m gonna take us out of the garage.”
The bike moved slowly as Diesel took them out of the underground. As they moved along the front of the house and out the long driveway, Helen tried to get used to the noise and the feel of the motorcycle beneath her. He hung a right out of the drive and started to head out of the city. She realized quickly he was taking Route 9. That meant a lot of lights for the first twenty minutes or so. Worked for her. Then, when they were at a light, she looked up ahead. The entrance to highway 128.
Oh, no.
She felt a hand on her thigh and realized Diesel was looking at her. His eyes were questioning. Just as the light changed she gave him a nod. Dear lord, she must be losing her mind.
As Diesel pulled them on the highway, she barely had time to get used to it before he was pulling off and driving up the entrance to the Mass Turnpike. They were going west?
Holy crap.
She soon realized the Pike was far less crowded at midday than 128 and as she got accustomed to the feeling of her body being so exposed at a higher speed, it wasn’t so bad. One more highway and her driver pulled off in Stowe and headed west on Route 62.
It was beautiful. She relaxed her death grip a bit and started to pay more attention to the scenery than the bike. At a stop sign, Diesel looked back and she actually smiled. Imagine that. She watched as they passed by snowy hills and farms. Lots of the rural homes had their white candles from the holidays still lit in their windows, even in the daytime. Some unfriendly clouds were coming into view, in the sky in front of them, when she suddenly felt Diesel’s body jerk.
She looked up the road ahead of them and saw at once what had caught the male’s eye. A huge tree was uprooted and lying across the road. As she felt the motorcycle start to slow at an alarming rate, her body was thrown forward into Diesel’s. But it didn’t stop there. As Helen was thrown from the bike, she didn’t scream or have any last thoughts. She didn’t have any thoughts at all.