She knew the reason behind that too.
And so did Cam.
Devon hastily took another sip of her beer, half-afraid it would come right back up.
The bitter taste rolled over her tongue and lingered in her mouth.
“Dev.
You know you—”
“Want another beer?”
“No.”
She wouldn’t look at him.
She could barely look at herself in the mirror anymore.
And she was facing another six-month-long deployment back to the place and job that haunted her every waking moment.
Not to mention her dreams.
Forcing the thought away, she made herself focus on what Cam was feeling.
She wasn’t the only one hurting.
This had to be really tough on him.
“You okay?
You must miss him.”
“Yeah.
I miss him like hell.”
Her heart ached for him.
He suffered through his grief stoically.
“How long were you guys friends?”
“Almost four years.
We went through The Pipeline together.
Me and Ty and Ryan.”
A sad smile formed on her lips.
She was proud of every single one of them for getting through that grueling program.
It wasn’t called Superman School for nothing.
“You know, if I was a guy and could qualify for Special Ops, I’d be a PJ too.”
One side of Cam’s delicious mouth turned up.
“Yeah?”
A strange pressure began to build in her chest.
Like a balloon being filled with helium.
“I admire the hell out of all of you.” She cradled the cold, damp bottle between her hands and managed to look at him.
“What’s it feel like to be a medic commando?”
“Nothing like it.
I love what I do.” He reached for his own beer and took a sip before offering her another smile.
“What’s it like to fly a Black Hawk on a night mission?”
She bit back a grin.
“Pretty damn awesome.”
“There you go, we’re not all that different.
Besides, you’ve got some medical training.”
“Nothing like you guys.” Some of the tension bled out of her tight shoulders.
This was better.
She could almost forget he was the reason for her discomfort when they talked easily like this.
“Did Ryan want to be a Combat Controller right from the start?”
“Yeah.
He wanted to be on the front lines with the SEALs and Delta boys.
And he’s good.
It suits him.”
Yeah, it did.
Special Ops suited them all, but Ryan had that knife-edge to him.
He was harder than the others.
More suited to killing than saving lives like the PJs did.
But Cam wasn’t fooling her.
“You work with ‘mixed company’ too, if you’re stationed at Bagram.
If you were working conventional missions, they’d have you based at Kandahar.”
His eyes glinted with humor.
“Yeah, but you’re not supposed to know about that.”
She had trouble envisioning him working with soldiers that hardened and deadly.
“Have you worked with Ryan out there?”
“Couple of times.”
She hated the thought of them going back into harm’s way.
She didn’t want to bury any more of her friends.
Or be the cause of more funerals.
“Can I ask you something?”
Something told her she wasn’t going to like the question he had in mind.
She tensed instinctively.
“Sure.”
“How come I make you nervous?”
She shot a startled glance at him.
There was no amusement on his face, just a kind of puzzlement.
And maybe a hint of disappointment.
She looked away.
“Why do you say that?”
He snorted like she’d just insulted him.
“Because you’re sitting over there as far away from me as you can get.
Any further, and you’ll fall off the end of the couch.”
“That’s not why.
I’ve just…got a lot on my mind.”
“You used to be comfortable with me,” he pointed out.
“But since Ty passed you keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Have I done something?”
“No.” Oh no, she’d done this to herself, and all on her own.
He was quiet a long time, scrutinizing her.
“I wouldn’t do anything, you know.
Not unless you
wanted
me to.”
Her gaze flew to his.
“What?” She couldn’t keep the alarm out of her voice.
His eyes held hers, direct and brutally honest.
“You know I wouldn’t.”
So she hadn’t misunderstood him.
Oh, Jesus
.
After all this time the awful truth was out, thrown into her face like a slap though he hadn’t meant it that way.
The blood rushed to her face so fast she felt dizzy.
This isn’t happening
.
Had he known all along despite how hard she’d tried to hide it?
Was he seriously telling her the forbidden attraction was mutual?
It was too much.
She jumped off the couch, looking anywhere but at him.
“Dev.”
She held up a hand.
“Dev, it’s okay.”
No, damn it, it wasn’t okay.
None of this was okay, especially today.
She felt exposed, like he’d invaded her mind and pried out her most private thoughts.
“Jesus, Cam, we just buried him less than four hours ago.” They probably hadn’t even backfilled the grave yet.
“Yeah, and I’m due out in the morning, so when the hell else are we going to be able to finally have this conversation?” His eyes burned with frustration.
How about never?
“I can’t believe you’d say anything.” He wasn’t drunk—he’d only had two beers.
She had no explanation for his behavior.
“I’m not talking about this.
It’s completely inappropriate.” No—it was
hideous
.
Her lungs felt like they might explode.
“Just…stop for a second.”
She shook her head.
“Look, all I’m saying is that you’re overreacting.”
She narrowed her eyes at him.
“Like
hell
I am.”
He came off the couch so fast she backed up.
He stopped.
In the awful silence the two of them squared off like adversaries.
It made her want to cry.
Cam set his hands on his hips.
“You’re acting like you two were engaged or something, but you were only together a few weeks before he left.” His expression was determined, implacable.
“There’s nothing wrong with the way we feel about each other.”
“Yes there is.” It would have killed Ty to find out she had feelings for his best friend, let alone that they were reciprocated.
“No, there isn’t.
And ignoring it won’t make it go away.”
It had to.
She couldn’t handle the alternative.
She retreated another step.
“Dev, just stop and look at me.”
Nope
.
Her back bumped into the wall.
Embarrassed, she pushed away and stalked over to the table to clear the disposable plates.
Anger crept in, taking away some of the shock, but she was still precariously close to tears.
“Leave it alone, okay?
Let’s just forget this conversation ever happened.” Or at least pretend to until he left.
She couldn’t face this now.
Before she could move, Cam’s hand flashed out and caught her wrist.
She swallowed a gasp as heat shot up her arm and pooled low in her belly.
His long fingers curled around her bones, strong and protective, burning her skin.
Yet gentle enough to remind her of all the reasons she was attracted to him.
Part of her wanted to crawl into his lap and press up against his powerful frame to seek comfort, relief from the intense need he created in her.
Torn between crippling shame and the strongest yearning she’d ever known, she turned her head away.
“Dev.”
Not daring to look at him, she squeezed her eyes shut.
“Please don’t.” She was afraid of what she might do if he pressed her about this.
Right now she wasn’t sure if she could fight her gut-deep desire for him.
She felt weak, confused.
Ready to shatter.
But he wouldn’t let go.
“I’m not coming on to you.
I just want to set some things straight, and I don’t want this lying between us.” The warmth of his hand settled into her skin until she finally opened her eyes to glare at him.
The intensity of his stare made her wish she hadn’t.
“Did you love him?” he asked quietly.
Her stomach seized up even harder.
Love
him?
She and Ty had been together a short time before he’d deployed, but they’d been friends for months before that.
The night he’d introduced her to Cam, however, everything had changed for her.
“I cared about him,” she said defensively.
And the knowledge that she wasn’t consumed with grief because he was lying in his grave made her feel horrible.
“I know you did.
But you weren’t in love with him.”
Why was he pushing her so hard?
She set her jaw, hating the betraying blush that stained her cheeks.
“No.” The worst part was she’d been ten times more attracted to Cam than she’d ever been to Ty.
“That’s all I’m trying to point out.
You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about,” he finished, releasing her wrist.
She snatched her hand back as if he’d burned her, still feeling the imprint of his fingers.
The paper plate wobbled in her grip.
“Hear me?”
“I think you should go.”
The instant the words were out she went dead still.
She couldn’t believe she’d actually said that to him.
Of all Ty’s friends, Cam was the sweetest.
Her favorite, for his personality alone.
But he had no right to bring this up, let alone be insensitive enough to call her on it and keep insisting they talk about it.
That hurt more than she’d ever thought possible.
Cam didn’t move, but a flicker of anger showed in his eyes.
“I probably should, but I’m not leaving until we clear the air.”
She raised her chin.
“Believe me, you’ve cleared it.
And then some.” Her cheeks still stung from it.
“That wasn’t—” He ran a hand through his hair, his frustrated sigh loud in the quiet room.
“I didn’t mean to embarrass or upset you.
I just don’t want you to feel guilty anymore.”
“Guilty?” she rasped, feeling like he’d sucker punched her.
“What the hell do you know about the kind of guilt I feel?”
His jaw tightened.
“Don’t even go there, Dev.”
“I’m already there, because guess what?
I live with it every second!”
He took a step toward her, ignoring the way she drew back.
“Yeah, we need to talk about this too.” His eyes blazed down at her, full of conviction.
“No.”
“Yes.”
She shook all over.
Had to wrap her arms around her body to hold herself together.
“
Stop
.”
He did, but she could tell he didn’t want to let it go.
“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me,” he said after a pause.
She almost laughed.
“Like I won’t be after this?
God Cam, if you knew how I felt then everyone else had to.” Including Ty.
Images formed in her mind like a slow motion movie.
Of Ty in the barren mountains of Afghanistan, working on the other wounded despite the bullet wounds in his belly and legs and the sickening amount of blood he must have lost.
Or the awful, relentless pain he must have been in.
What if he’d been listening for the sound of the medevac’s rotors while he lay dying?
She wanted to throw up.
“He didn’t know, Dev.
Or if he did, he never said anything.”
She fought the urge to cover her face.
What if their relationship had meant much more to Ty than it had to her?
Was it possible he’d fallen in love with her in such a short time?
He’d never told her that.
She hadn’t seen their relationship as deep or permanent.
In time it might have grown into something more, but not after Cam entered the picture.