Lauren glanced at her watch and sighed. The creative director had been droning on for three straight hours, and he wasn’t losing steam. The first hour had been a fascinating overview of the new face of
Vanity Fair
, the intent of the redesign, and the new reporting focus. Her fear of failing had dissipated, replaced with a glowing hope, the knowledge that she could be successful in this world.
But then, he’d started in on a lengthy analysis of the financials and market research that had gone into defining the re-vamped look, and he’d lost her. A glance around the conference room confirmed she wasn’t the only one. Many people fidgeted in their seats, several were surreptitiously checking email and messages on their cell phones, and one poor soul had fallen asleep, his face mashed against the folders they’d been handed. Surely the creative director could have condensed his million PowerPoint slides into a sixty-minute presentation?
Then again, not even the most scintillating slideshow could compete with the “best of Nic Lamoureux” reel unspooling through her mind. In the past couple hours, she’d gone over every conversation they’d had since meeting in D.C., every moment they’d shared, every kiss, every look. And her heart was breaking.
With mounting irritation, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a fresh tissue to dab at the moisture leaking from her eyes. Damn. She had no right to cry. It had been her choice, her decision.
She’d
left Nic, not the other way around. Now she had to suck it up and deal with the consequences. She was strong, she’d get over him. In ten years. Maybe.
The sound of rustling papers and chairs creaking as people stood up to gather their belongings forced her to leave her pity party. As she rose and stretched, Helen approached her. “I hope Mitch didn’t bore you to death. The man is brilliant, but he can rattle on.”
“Oh, no,” she said, offering the woman a weak smile. “The first part was particularly interesting.”
Helen grinned and patted her arm. “I know it's too early now for dinner, but what about in a couple hours, say around 6:00?”
Dinner?
God, no. Her stomach churned. She needed to be alone. Go back to her hotel, sink into cool sheets and bawl. Bawl like a child who’d just thrown her favorite toy into a river and realized she can’t get it back. Lauren smiled at the woman but let a touch of the pain she was feeling show in her eyes. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll skip dinner tonight. I have a bit of a headache. Must be the jet-lag.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that. Get some rest, and if you don’t feel better, call me. You have my cell number, right?” Lauren nodded and thanked Helen for her kindness.
Minutes later, she headed across Times Square to her hotel. Before the door to her room finished closing behind her, she’d already dropped her purse and laptop bag on the floor and tumbled onto the king-size bed, a bed that was too large and too empty without Nic in it. A sob ripped through her as she clutched the T-shirt she’d slept in last night—Nic’s T-shirt. Unable to leave the loft without at least one item that smelled like him, she’d grabbed the shirt off the dresser where he’d discarded it and stuffed it into her suitcase. Holding the rumpled material against her cheek, she cried, letting her emotions pour out until her throat was swollen and raw, until the pounding in her head left her drained of energy.
Weakly, she sat up and laid the now damp shirt out to dry. She needed something to do, something to get her mind off Nic. Her eyes found the computer bag on the floor. She hadn’t analyzed the photo Nic had sent her, the one of him lying on the ice with blood on his chest. She shuddered. If the stalker had wanted it, the blood could have been from a bullet instead of Jason’s nosebleed. She froze.
That’s
what Nic had meant when he’d told her she’d already lost him to violence. Without even putting up a fight, she’d let the stalker win. She’d feared losing Nic and, like some self-fulfilling prophecy, had let him go.
How could she have been so irrational? Her mind accepted that under normal circumstances, Nic’s life was not much more dangerous than anyone else’s, certainly less than Todd’s or her father’s had been. But her heart? All her heart knew was that the constant fear, the constant worry would eat at her until paranoia took full control. God, how had her mother handled the stress of her father being a cop?
Lauren slipped off the bed and got the phone from her purse. Quickly, she dialed her parent’s number before she chickened out. She wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or scared when her mother answered.
“Hi, sweetie. How did your first day go?”
“I think I’m going to like it.” They chatted about the people she’d met and how she was enjoying New York City. After a few minutes, Lauren couldn’t keep up the pretense and stopped talking.
“What is it, dear?” The concern in her mother’s voice brought fresh tears to Lauren’s eyes.
“How did you do it, Mom? How did you deal with knowing each time you kissed Dad goodbye, it could be the last time you saw him?”
“Oh, honey. I did the only thing I could do and still do. I cherish every moment we have together, tell him every day that I love him, and I never let him leave the house or go to bed angry.” As her mother spoke, Lauren could hear the emotion in her voice. “But most important of all, I make sure to leave nothing unsaid and nothing undone between us. That way, if the worst should happen, neither of us will have any regrets.”
Lauren squeezed her eyes shut in a vain attempt to keep the tears from sliding down her cheeks. She’d done the exact opposite. There was a lifetime of words unsaid and things undone between her and Nic. “Oh God, Mom. What have I done?” she sobbed.
“Is this about Nic, sweetheart? Tell me what happened.”
Lauren grabbed a tissue from her pocket and wiped her nose. “I left him.”
“Why? You sounded so happy on the phone.” The incredulity in her mother’s tone reinforced the facts—she, Lauren James, was an idiot.
“That’s just it, Mom. I don’t know why.”
“Start from the beginning.”
Lauren sat in the chair by the window, staring out at Times Square. She’d always wanted to visit New York, but without Nic, everything seemed gray, lifeless. “The stalker threatened to kill me, like she did Summer, if I didn’t leave Nic.”
Her mother gasped. “Are you alright? Are you safe?”
She couldn’t be any safer than with Jake guarding her door, shadowing her every move. The man took his job
very
seriously. “Nic hired a bodyguard to protect me.”
“What’s the problem then?”
“The woman wants to
kill
me.”
“But you said you’re safe. Or don’t you really believe that?”
“Yes… no… maybe.” Irritated with herself, she leapt off the bed and began pacing the length of the small room. “Oh, I don’t know.”
“I think I understand, honey.”
Lauren held the phone away from her ear and stared at it. “You do?”
“If I put this together with your initial question regarding your father, I’d say, you think your body is safe with him, but not your heart.” After a moment’s hesitation, she asked, “What are you really afraid of, Lauren? I don’t think it’s this stalker at all. If it were, you might have stayed away for a while until she was caught, but you wouldn’t have left Nic.”
Lauren returned to her seat by the window and forced herself to sit calmly. “Mom, his life is dangerous. This isn’t his first stalker and I’m sure there’ll be more. How can I put Jason at risk like that?”
Soft laughter floated across the phone line. “He’s an
actor
, for heaven’s sake. And from what you’ve told me, Nic’s ready and willing to do what it takes to keep you and Jason safe.”
“But, he’s a multi-millionaire movie star. Women fall at his feet. He can have whoever he wants. Why would he settle for me?”
“Isn’t that his choice? It’s clear to me that he’s chosen you.”
“But—”
“But nothing. These are just excuses, sweetie. What’s really bothering you?”
That was the million dollar question, wasn’t it?
“I don’t know, Mom.”
“You know the expression
it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
Well, it’s true. You can’t protect your heart by pushing him away. In fact, you’re hurting yourself more now because you’re denying your heart what it so clearly wants. You’ve already fallen in love with him.”
Lauren groaned. “Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with a boring tax accountant or an engineer? Someone whose biggest risk is getting a paper cut?”
“You already answered that question, honey.” Lauren could hear the smile in her mother’s voice. “A man like that would be
boring
. Like all the women in our family, you need a warrior, a man who leads an exciting, vibrant life. After being married to Todd, I thought you’d have known this about yourself.”
Was her mother right? Was she attracted to Nic for the very reasons she’d left him? God, that was so messed up. “But what can I do about it, Mom? This whole thing scares me.”
“Look deep in your heart and ask yourself why you’re so scared. I don’t think it’s the danger at all. You dealt with that just fine while you were married.”
Had she? Or had her constant fear driven Todd away?
“Honey?” Her mother asked when the silence dragged on a little too long. “Are you worried Nic might shut you out of parts of his life the way Todd did? Is that what this is really about?”
Lauren leaned her head back against the chair and closed her eyes. “He already has. Nic has lots of secrets and he’s kept some things from me.”
“But you’ve only been together a short time. It took your father years to open up to me. Have you told him all your secrets already?”
Lauren remembered the fan letter and groaned. “Not everything.”
“Well, there you go. Relationships take time to build. If you reveal everything at the beginning, the mystery is gone too soon.”
She sighed. “You make hiding things sound so romantic, Mom. But Nic’s very protective. What’s to say he doesn’t start treating me like the little woman who can’t handle the big bad things in life?”
“Worse than having a homicidal maniac after him and you?”
Lauren laughed. “When you put it that way…” And she had to be honest—Nic
had
told her everything. And if he didn’t want the whole world to know about it, that was okay. She certainly wouldn’t want her fan letter posted on the Internet.
“I guess I’m just scared. Nic seems to like me well enough now, but what about in a few years? In ten?” Her voice was rising. She took a deep breath, then said what she feared most. “It took Todd only five years to lose interest in me, and we were on an even playing field.”
“I wish I could give you a big hug. Based on what you and Jason have told me, Nic sounds like a genuinely nice guy. He’s not into all that sex, drugs, and rock and roll, is he?”
Her mother sounded more curious than anything and that made Lauren laugh. “He’s not.” Although… he was definitely into the sex.
“Are you worried he wouldn’t be good for Jason?”
Lauren thought back to the weekend they’d shared in her little apartment. “Nic’s like a big kid. He and Jason get along great.”
“Why do I hear a ‘but’ at the end of that?”
“Well, he’s a great friend to Jason, but would he be a good father? Todd was never around even when he was alive, so Jason’s never had the type of father figure he needs.” Nic had helped support his sister, but it was clear he hadn’t been around for the day-to-day task of raising her. “Now that Jason is getting older, I’m worried I can’t be both mother and father to him. I don’t think I can enforce the discipline that’s required to manage a teenage boy.”
“A boy does need a father. But if Nic had tried to father Jason too soon, how would Jason have reacted? Nic’s approach was the right one. They need to build a rapport so that when Nic does need to discipline him, Jason will understand it’s coming from a position of love.”
Lauren mulled that for a moment. The few times Todd had scolded Jason, their lack of a relationship had been apparent; Jason had invariably ended up crying alone in his room. She couldn’t picture that happening with Nic. “That makes sense, but what if Nic’s so busy making movies that like Todd, he’s never around? I think that would be worse for Jason, and me, than how we are now.”
“Honey, you two can work that out. But I don’t think you have to worry. Since getting out of the hospital, Nic and Jason have taken turns calling each other, and Nic hasn’t missed a single day.”
“Even now?”
Wow
. She’d dumped him, yet he hadn’t dumped Jason. Most men would have.
“Nic called this afternoon.” Unless it was her imagination, her mom’s tone sounded oddly triumphant.
“No one’s perfect, Mom.” But Nic
was
pretty darn close. Maybe she wasn’t giving him enough credit.
“You have to trust what’s in your heart.”
Lauren stood up and leaned her forehead against the window. Her hand trembled as she held the phone to her ear. “But how do I know things won’t turn out the way they did with Todd?”
“You can’t, honey. No one can.”
Lauren squeezed her eyes shut, trying to control the fear rising in her chest. “I just don’t know, Mom.”
“I know you’re scared, sweetheart. You’ve spent the last five years alone. So ask yourself this: how’s that working for you?”
Unbidden, a burst of laughter escaped her. “Been watching a lot of daytime T.V., Mom?”
“You know me. I’ve got to get my daily fix of Dr. Phil.” She chuckled. “What’s your answer?”
“I’ve been miserable. Being with Nic these last few weeks made me realize how empty and bland my life has been. I love Jason, but I need something more.”
I need Nic
.
“Take it slow, sweetie. It’s not like you’re getting married tomorrow, are you?” she teased.
“He did give me some very nice jewelry. But no ring.”
“Don’t be scared by what-ifs. When the time is right, you’ll know if Nic’s the one.”
Lauren smiled. She could do that—live one day at a time and see where things went. As soon as the stalker was caught, she’d go to Nic and talk things out. Before ending the call, she decided to follow another piece of her mother’s advice. “I love you, Mom.” She injected as much meaning into the words as she could.