Dear Darling (9 page)

“I’m taking us to Kent at the weekend,” Eli announced suddenly one night as we lay in bed. The nights were quiet, now since we no longer spoke to one another like we used to. We used to talk for hours in bed, we’d plan for our futures and reminisce about the things we had done in the past. But now, now it was like we were strangers, just passing as ships in the night. He would be at work before I’d wake and more often than not he would be home after Sam and I were in bed.

“Okay,” I replied quietly, not wanting to argue with him about it. Turning over, a tear slipped down my cheek, soaking into the pillow below me. That pillow had seen more tears lately than it ever had.

As I sat in the car, my head leaned against the window, I watched the world pass us by. Maybe a break was what we needed, to get away from everything.

“Where’s my favourite little boy,” Jodie screeched as we pulled up outside. Sam giggled from his car seat when he saw his Auntie Jodie’s smiling face. “Hey, babe. You okay?” My fake smile couldn’t get past her, she knew me too well.

“I’m good.” I grimaced. There was no chance of her believing me now.

“Come on, help me to prepare dinner.” She picked up Sam, and I followed her through to the kitchen. George toddled into the room, and I whisked him up into my arms swinging him around.

“Hey, mate. How’s my favourite grown-up boy?” He giggled as I held him tightly, longer than I normally would. Closing my eyes, I tried to stop the tears from flowing. I didn’t know why I was crying; I couldn’t stop it. Jodie looked at me, her eyes quizzical, but she didn’t ask. I knew I wouldn’t get away with it though.

We finished up our meal and cleared the plates from the table.

“Hey, boys. Why don’t the two of you nip to the pub for a few hours while we have a girly night?” I stilled at the sink as I washed the dishes. I should’ve known Jodie would find a way to get me alone.

“Yeah. You up for it, Eli?” Aaron turned to Eli, slapping him on the back. He looked to me, and I looked away, carrying on with my task.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll grab my wallet.” Aaron headed over to Jodie, kissing her softly on the lips.

“We won’t be late.” I heard him whisper. An aching inside my gut caused me to stop what I was doing. I missed that tenderness, I wanted it back so badly. When I turned to look for Eli, he and Aaron were already gone.

“Leave those. I’ll sort them in the morning.” She grabbed my hand to stop me and pulled me into the living room. With gentle hands, she pushed me onto the sofa and then held up her finger, letting me know she would be right back. I sat, a bit confused by her actions, and laced my fingers together. The sound of glass rattling caused my eyes to lift, and Jodie re-entered the room with two glasses and a bottle of wine.

“Talk to me, Saffy,” Jodie said, her amber hair glistening as she bent to place the items on the coffee table and sat next to me. “Talk to me like we used to talk. You never talk to me any more.” Her desperate tone tugged at my heartstrings, I didn’t want to feel like that any more. I didn’t want all the anger and sadness flooding my mind. I wanted calm, I wanted joy and happiness but, most of all, I wanted my family back.

“I don’t know what to do, Jode I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down. I have all this anger inside, anger at Eli, anger at myself. I want it to go away.”

“Why are you angry? I know what happened was hard, but you have to stop blaming each other for it. You have to work together, as a couple. You can’t push each other away.”

“I know, but I can’t help it. My mind won’t let me forget. It keeps saying that Greg was right, that Eli doesn’t care about me, he left me. Twice.” Tears fell down my cheeks, dripping off the end of my chin. I didn’t even bother to wipe them away. It would be pointless. My lungs started to burn, feeling like they’d filled with fire. Clutching my chest, my whole body started to tremble as I suffocated on my own tears. The gasps overwhelmed me, trapping the air inside my lungs.

“Saffron, STOP!” Jodie shouted, kneeling in front of me. She took my hands and gripped tightly. “Breathe, Saffron, breathe. Take a deep breath in, and then out.” Listening to the sound of her voice, feeling the rhythm of her pulse on my fingers as I gripped her wrist, I tried to calm myself down. Listening to the beat of my own heart through my chest, I could hear it slowly beating in time with Jodie’s.

What the hell am I doing?

Why am I behaving this way?

The tears started to dry as I regained control of my breathing.

“Now, listen to me.” She gripped hold of me tightly, piercing me with her emerald eyes. “You may not sleep well, but at least you wake up. You might be sad, and depressed, but at least you can cry. You might not have everything you want, but you sure as hell have everything you’ll ever need. You have a husband that, despite how he’s acting right now, loves you, and a son who needs you more than air. Your life might not be perfect, but it’s pretty damn good.”

“I’m so sorry, Jodie,” I said on a sob. “I’ve been so crazy these last few months, feeling sorry for myself. I think I need some help.”

“You went through something horrible. You just need a bit of help to get you through it.” She poured the wine, handed me the glass, and I took small sips.

“I know you’re right.”

“I’m always right.” She rolled her eyes at me, which made me laugh. “Listen, depression is something you can control, but you have to do it before it takes control of you. It’s knowing how to do it that’s the problem. Knowing when to say enough is enough. I think you need someone to help.” I smiled at my beautiful sister-in-law. Having someone who I could talk to was something I missed.

“Thank you, Jodes.”

“What for?” She poured another glass of wine.

“For being my friend.”

“Saffy, I’m not just your friend, I’m your family and we stick together.” I picked up my glass and tossed it back, relaxing into the chair.

We arrived back in Cheshire on the Sunday afternoon, and I found the card for counselling, which Sian had given to me before I left the centre. Dialling the number on the back, I tapped the phone with my fingernail nervously.

“You’ve reached the number for Dr Locke, please leave your message after the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” I sighed, wishing I could speak to someone and get this over with. Leaving my message to call me back, I headed up to put Sam to bed.

As the sun glistened through the crack in the curtain, I stretched my aching body, reaching across to feel for my husband. There was only an empty space—just like inside my heart—I sighed. Why did I think it would be any different? We still hadn’t had a chance to talk since my conversation with Jodie.

The phone rang startling me in the silence. I reached to grab it from the nightstand, but my fingers brushed a glass, knocking it to the floor where it shattered.

“Shit,” I murmured to myself as I grabbed the phone. “Hello,” I answered the phone, exasperated.

“Oh, hello. Is this Saffron Vale?” The woman on the other end of the phone sounded concerned.

“Yes, sorry. It’s been a bad morning.” I didn’t know why I was explaining myself to a complete stranger.

“I received a message from you last night, it’s Dr Locke.” My heavy heart felt relief. Hearing someone on the other end of the phone who could potentially take away all my pain made me feel lighter. A sob escaped my lips. “Saffron, is everything okay?”

“Yes, sorry. It’s just . . .” The tears came thick, and fast and I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t know why I was crying, I just was.

“Saffron, I have a free space this morning if you can get to me.” The fact that she knew what I needed without my telling her made me cry even harder.

“Yes, please. Thank you so much.” She told me her address and the time to come and I hung up the phone feeling a little bit calmer.

Making my way into the old brick building, my hands shook with nerves.

What if she can’t fix me?

What if I never feel normal again?

Fear washed through me at the thought of living in a stagnant relationship, where neither talks to the other. Just being together for the sake of the child. I didn’t want my life to be like that.

“Hi, you must be Saffron, I’m Dawn Locke.”

“Please, call me Saff,” I choked out.

“Take a seat.” She motioned to a small couch in the corner of the room with a high-backed leather chair situated in front of it. She sat in the chair, picking up a notepad from the table next to her. “Would you like to tell me a bit about what’s going on?” she asked, her face was kind, but her voice was firm. She didn’t seem the kind of person to tolerate any crap, but she looked genuinely sympathetic to how I was feeling. I began by telling her about Greg and the loss of the baby, then went on to tell her how my and Eli’s relationship had been suffering since. She listened the entire time, nodding her head and waiting for me to get my words out.

“Firstly, I want you to know that you’re not alone. So many people have been through what you’re going through, and they’ve all come out the other side. Secondly, I want you to know that I’m here for you to contact day or night, whenever you need me.”

We spent the next hour discussing how I felt about Eli and the attack. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn’t fixed, but I had made a start.

Every week, I would sit in Dr Locke’s office and pour my heart out to her. We would discuss how to confront the problems in my marriage and how to rebuild my relationship. Everything seemed to be getting back to normal. Eli and I started to talk again, but the damage had already been done.

I’m rambling now. Writing this letter has brought back so many memories. Good times and bad times. I’ve cried several times and drunk a few cups of coffee as I tried to write the words I need to say. I just don’t know how to write it down. I don’t want you to hurt, the last thing I want is for you to hurt. We’ve had enough pain in our lives, but I have to do this. I have to.

“Jodie, where are the glasses?” I shouted from our kitchen. We had a house full of guests arriving in less than half an hour, and I’d spent the day running around like a headless chicken.

“In the box in the garage,” she called back from the living room where she was changing Alisha’s nappy. Jodie had discovered that she was pregnant a month after our visit in March. She gave birth to Alisha three weeks ago, and I was delighted to see my beautiful baby niece for the first time.

“So, how’s the new job?” she asked, walking through to the kitchen, a clean baby in her arms.

“I love it, Jodes. I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. I’m helping people who need me at their lowest point in their life.” I’d been volunteering as a crisis worker at St Mary’s, and I loved my new job. I didn’t love the fact that I had a job, because that meant there were people who needed me, but I loved that I could help so many women and men in their time of need.

“How are the people you work with? You made any new friends yet?”

“Sian is amazing. We have formed a bond over the last few weeks.” I had become great friends with Sian and it was the way she held my hand and spoke to me that night that made me want to do this for other people. It wasn’t an easy job and some times I would come home from work in tears. The pain that some of the people had gone through was enormous, but I felt like I was helping in some small way. It felt like my being there made a difference to them. I was still training, mainly talking to people on the phone, but I was working up to doing what Sian does.

Once, I had asked Sian why she did what she did. Her response was one that stayed with me. “
It's almost difficult to put in words. You’re seeing someone at their lowest point. They feel dirty, they feel shame, they feel hatred and anger at the highest level. If I can give them that little bit of hope, bring out the willingness to allow me to touch them, then I’ve made a difference. The job of taking samples is the most invasive procedure that can be done on a person. I want to make that person feel like it's their choice, like they have control, to let them know that they only have to say the word, and we stop. It's about giving them that control back, the control that has been taken away from them. I always give the people I see a hug, that positive, simple touch can make a massive difference. I can't sympathise but I can empathise. I treat them how I would want to be treated—with respect and care. It’s all about them.”

Sian had hit the nail on the head, it was all those things and so much more. Eli couldn’t understand why I wanted to do it. He didn’t get why I would want to relive what happened to me with someone else. We all deal with things differently. This was my way of coping with what happened.

“I’m glad you’re happy.” She smiled, rubbing my arm before leaving the room.

“Here are the glasses,” Eli announced as he walked through the door to the kitchen.

“Thanks, darling. Can you make sure that Sam hasn’t made a mess of his clothes, please? He was eating chocolate last time I looked.” I smiled at my man as he went off to find our son, and I went back to filling the vol-au-vents with some cream cheese and ham mix my mum told me about.

The party had been Eli’s idea, and spending New Year’s with the same group, as last year wasn’t on the top of my list. The compromise was that we would throw a party at the house. My therapy had been going well. My counsellor was amazing, and she understood how I felt. Eli would ask me why I was still seeing Dr Locke; he didn’t understand why I was still going since I felt better. He didn’t understand that depression wasn’t just something that you could
get over
.

“Hi, Ant Shaff, can Mummy have a cwoth, pwease?” Little George’s chocolate-covered, podgy face smiled at me. I could only imagine what mess Sam was in.

“Sure, mate,” I said, handing him the cloth and following him to the living room. I was stunned to see Elaine and her husband Joe on the sofa. I hadn’t seen Elaine since I left her at the bar a year ago. When Eli told me he invited her, I was worried that seeing her again would trigger some bad memories, but it didn’t, and I smiled warmly at them.

“How are you?” she said, standing to embrace me. It made me feel uncomfortable, but I tried not to show it.

“I’m good thanks. How are you?”

“I’m great.”

“Sorry, I need to change him.” I felt bad, but I didn’t want the conversation that I knew was coming.

When I turned, Eli was gone. So, I scooped Sam up and took him upstairs to clean him up. Then I headed back to the kitchen.

Half an hour had passed and Eli was nowhere to be found. Guests were arriving, and I was starting to panic.

I didn’t know any of these people, how was I meant to entertain them and finish the buffet?

The hot food was due out of the oven any minute, and my annoyance was building at my husband.

“Aaron, have you seen Elias? He’s disappeared and I could do with his help,” I asked him as he sat nursing a Jack Daniels on the rocks.

“He was chatting to some bird last I saw. She was all over him like a . . .” I flinched at his words when he stopped what he was saying, realising that he’d said too much. His eyes lowered to his glass, staring for a few seconds before tipping it back to finished the amber liquid.

I looked all around the house, and when I still couldn’t find my husband, I walked out front. It was dark, and only the porch lights were brightening the way. A car pulled up to the front of the house, shining the headlights over the garden towards the big oak tree, which was situated on the front lawn. Squinting my eyes, I tried to see if I could recognise the two figures that stood underneath it.

“Eli,” I called out, and one of the figures moved quickly. He came towards me, his hands firmly placed in his pockets, his shoulders slumped. His eyes betrayed him as he walked closer and a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach made me want to heave.
“Hey, babe. What’s up?” he said, his voice overly cheery.

“Who were you talking to? You’re meant to be helping me with
your
guests.” He looked over towards the tree and then back at me.

“It was my boss. We had to go over some work stuff, that’s all.” He shrugged, his hands still firmly in his pockets.

“And you couldn’t do that in the house?” I narrowed my eyes at him. He moved passed me and up the step to our front door. The people who had arrived in the car were making their way up the path, and he turned to greet them, completely ignoring my question. Tears pricked my eyes as I clenched my fists, trying to control the anger building inside of me.

Was he telling me the truth
?

This year had been hard, and it had put a massive strain on our marriage, but I thought we were passed all this. We loved each other so much, he was my sun and I was his moon. I thought nothing could come between us.

An hour later, when I still hadn’t emerged from the kitchen, Jodie walked in, took one look at me, and sat. “Saff, what’s up?”

“Where’s Eli?” was all I said.

“He’s been talking to some woman and her husband for the last half hour. I think he said it’s his boss. She looks like a real bitch though.”

“What do you mean?”

“She was all over Eli before, and when I interrupted him to ask him something about the kids, the look she gave me could have killed a small army.”

All of my insecurities from the past year had reared their ugly heads. “Come out and talk to me, I feel lonely in there by myself. And I can’t even drink because I’m breast feeding,” she begged, her emerald eyes rolling. I wiped my hands on my apron, untied the string, and threw it onto the worktop.

The first thing I zeroed in on was the woman’s long, dirty blonde hair. Eli looked up as I entered and her head turned toward me when she lost his attention. Her blue eyes threw daggers at me and made me want to run over, grab her scraggy head, and yank her out of my house. But, I couldn’t. She was Eli’s boss and I had to be nice for his sake.

“Saffy, this is Erika,” he introduced us. “Erika is my boss,” he said through gritted teeth, his nostrils flaring. She looked at Eli, her eyes betraying her.

“Lovely to finally meet you, Saffron.” Her tone was condescending as she held her hand out to shake mine, but she had already turned her attention away from me.

“It’s a pleasure,” I said, ignoring her hand and turning my head to my son. “Sam, come to Mummy.” Jodie let go of him and he walked towards us, lifting up his hands for me to pick him up once he reached me. “How’s my, baby boy?” I asked as he laid his head on my shoulder. Eli, stood watching our interaction and the bint next to him watched Eli. I could see the love in his eyes for us, I knew it in my heart, but I could also see confusion and torment. I didn’t want to know; I was too scared to ask the truth. “I’m going to go and take
our
son to bed. I’ll be back soon.” Taking him up the stairs I laid him in his cot. Sitting in the chair next to him, I picked up a book and started to read. His eyelids grew heavy as the words flowed, and soon enough, he was sound asleep. Placing the book back on the table, I pinched my eyes and rubbed my temples. I didn’t know if I was being irrational. Maybe it was my imagination. Maybe my intuition was right. All the late nights and early mornings, the distance between us, the guilty look in his eyes whenever we were together. I should’ve seen it before, but I never imagined that it could be this.

I took a quick shower, blow dried my hair, and did my make-up in record time. Twenty minutes later I exited the bedroom and made my way down the stairs to re-join the party.

“Saff, you look beautiful, I was coming to find you,” Jodie said as I walked down the wooden staircase, my heels clicking on each step. I tried to take deep, calming, controlled breaths as I saw my husband through the glass doors, still talking to that woman.

“I had to put Sam to bed and get changed.” I smiled, but it wasn’t genuine. She had George in her arms, sleeping silently. “Why don’t you go and put him down and then we can have a chat?” She nodded and headed up the stairs, and I went straight to the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of vodka from the fridge and poured a large glass and then sat staring at it. I needed a drink, but I knew I shouldn’t. I needed a clear head if I were going accuse him of what I thought was going on. If I waited any longer for Jodie, I was going to lose my nerve, so I abandoned the untouched glass and went in search of my husband.

“Babe, where’ve you been?” I was surprised he’d even noticed I was missing, and that woman was clinging to his every word. I was a little more than surprised that her husband, who was standing right next to her, hadn’t said anything. He looked drunk, so maybe that was why.

“I went to put
our
son down and get changed after slaving away in
our
kitchen all day for
your
guests,” I replied through gritted teeth. I was trying to hold it together, but there was this relentless pounding in my ears. I could feel the tears pricking my eyes, and I had to get out of there before she saw me cry.

How could her husband stand there and watch them flirt without saying anything?

“I’m going to . . .” I turned and left the room as fast as I could, catching my heel on the rug and tripping slightly. I made it to the kitchen, my palm aching from grabbing hold of the cabinet too hard when I tripped. My mascara-stained tears fell down my cheeks as I sat on the barstool, hoping that my husband would leave her and come to my rescue.

“Saff, what’s going on?” His voice was soft and gentle. I flinched as his hand touched my naked arm, burning my skin. “How could you do it to me, Elias?” His hand left my body as though I had burned him back. I never used his full name, and he knew I was angry at him.

“What have I done? I don’t know what I’ve done?”

Was he telling the truth?

Was he so stupid that he had no idea?

“You and her, Elias.” I slammed my fist onto the worktop. “I can see it, I’m not stupid. Your quiet little ‘talk’ in the garden and her hanging all over you like the letch she is. You’ve been working so much, I thought it was my fault, but it was her, wasn’t it? What is it about her? She’s mutton!” I glared at him, the muscle in my jaw twitching as I became more and more enraged. “All of the late nights and early mornings. I should’ve seen it coming. Last New Year was one of the worst times of my life. I’ve been through hell. I lost a baby. I was assaulted and almost kidnapped and raped, but this, this is the cherry on top of the icing.” His face contorted in pain.