Dear Darling (11 page)

Bethany just came home. She is so beautiful. She looks like you, but she has my personality. I know she struggles and I know this will hurt her more than anyone, but she will get better.

So many memories are swimming inside of my mind, I wish I had a key to lock them there forever.

I’ve always been good with words, but right now, right when it matters, I can’t find the right ones. My brain is like a black hole, absorbing too many things at once, and the memories continue to float, waiting to be sucked inside.

“I’m getting married in October,” Mel screamed into the phone four months earlier. She’d been dating an American fella for almost a year now and they were madly in love.

"You mean the Mel who doesn’t do romance and soppy shit is finally getting wed?” I teased her.

“Yeah, I know. Who would have thought?” I could hear the smile in her voice. “Will you be my matron of honour?”

“Of course I will. I would be honoured.” I smiled, excited that we had something to look forward to.

The next few months we spent planning the wedding. She hadn’t left a lot of time to get organised, but that was Mel.

“Saff, this is Martin,” she introduced us as I entered their house in Surrey.

“Hi, Martin, it’s nice to meet you.” He was tall and slender with black hair and glasses, nothing like anyone I’d ever seen Mel with before.

“I’ve heard so much about you. Mel never stops talking about you.” He looked at Mel and chuckled. I wasn’t sure if he knew how clearly his love for her shone in his eyes.

“Same here, I’m so happy for you both, congratulations.” I hugged both of them. “Right, let’s get planning. You didn’t leave us a whole lot of time to plan the perfect wedding, Mel,” I joked, giving her a side hug as she led me deeper into her house and into what we would later refer to as the “War room”.

Four months went fast, and the day of the wedding finally arrived. Mel, who had been calm and collected up until this point, looked at me with sheer panic in her eyes.

“Saff, what the hell am I doing?” We were at the back of the church and about to go through the doors. It was the worst time ever for her to have a panic attack. I watched as she kneeled in her self-designed wedding gown and stuck her head between her legs as she hyperventilated.

“Mel, you’ll be fine. You love Martin, right?” She nodded her response. “Well, take a deep breath, sort your boobs out—because right now they’re falling out —and stick on that beautiful smile of yours. Get up and go marry your man.” I rubbed her back as she took deep breaths. Finally, she stood, tucked her boob back in, and grinned wide.

“Thanks, sweets. I can always rely on you to tell me as it is.” She winked, steadied herself in her six-inch heels, and straightened her back. The music played, and we made our way down the aisle. My eyes found Eli’s and he looked at me like I was the only woman in the room. I could see the want in his eyes when he saw me, it was as if he were seeing me again for the first time.

Our lives had been so much different since our weekend away. We’d made the promise to be more aware of each other, and we kept that promise

The vicar began to speak, but all I could do was look at my husband. We stared into each other’s eyes, never breaking the contact.

“I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride.” A roar from the guests brought my eyes back to my best friend. Martin dipped her low, kissing her passionately as we all clapped and cheered. Looking flushed, Mel straightened her back and looked at me, a smile wider than her face.

“Don’t say a word,” she said, and I motioned to my zipped lips. She was so happy, and I loved that she’d finally found her prince. The newlyweds headed out of the church, and I followed behind, waiting for Eli at the exit.

“I can’t wait to get you out of that dress. It’s a beautiful dress, but it will look so much nicer on the bedroom floor,” Eli whispered into my ear as we were walking towards the hotel where the reception was being held.

“As much as I like that suit on you, it will look better next to my dress,” I whispered back. He was wearing the suit that he’d worn for our wedding, with a bit of tweaking and minus the waistcoat. He looked delicious.

“We better go and make an appearance at this reception before I drag you upstairs and Mel gets annoyed.” He winked, guiding me into the large hall.

The reception was wonderful, and I couldn’t remember a time I had seen Mel so happy. I couldn’t completely enjoy it, though. I was so desperate to get upstairs that everything seemed tedious. As the music started, and the gravelly voice of Creed sang “My Sacrifice” I looked at Eli and smiled. This song was ours. He stood, holding out his hand for me to take it. We made our way to the dance floor, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. The words of the song danced around my mind as I closed my eyes letting my husband guide me. Those words: “How quickly life can turn around, in an instant.” They were true. Our lives had turned around so many times, but now I hoped that it had turned for the good. We were content and happy once again.

Eli had landed an interview at UCL for a job as a professor. He wanted the job and after a lot of discussion and research on potential living areas, I was excited by the prospect of moving. We would be closer to Jodie and Aaron, and there were a few editorial positions in the area I could apply for. The only thing I wasn’t happy about was leaving St Mary’s and Sian. It was tough, but I loved helping people. I was hoping that I’d be able to find a crisis centre down south that would take me on, and Sian had promised me a reference.

While Eli was in London at his interview, I brought the kids to see Aaron and Jodie. That afternoon we got there, Jodie and I took the kids shopping and then to one of the local cafés for a quick drink and bite to eat. I was getting Bethy settled into a highchair, when Jodie’s sharp hiss of breath drew my attention.

“What’s wrong?” She looked as if she’d seen a ghost. She was glaring across the café at some woman who was sitting huddled in the corner. Her hair was dirty and greying, and her eyes were bloodshot. Her complexion was haggard and the clothes she was wearing looked like they hadn’t been removed in months. She was clearly homeless, and it was obvious that Jodie knew who she was.

“Oh, nothing.” She turned away, placing a fake smile on her face and picking up her coffee cup. Instead of sipping, she ran her finger around the rim and seemed to study the liquid inside. I’d known her long enough to know when she was hiding something.

“Jode, tell me. Who is she?” She brought the mug up to her lips and took a sip, ignoring my questioning. Then, after another beat of silence, she set down the mug and picked up her phone, pressing buttons with single-minded determination. “Jode, tell me,” I said, knocking her phone out of her hand. It clattered on the floor and the whole café—except the woman who stayed huddled inside her large coat—looked in our direction.

“Damn it, Saff. It better not have broken,” she said, picking it up from the floor.

“Stop avoiding my question.”

“It’s no one important.”

“Then why won’t you tell me? Is it someone you know?”

“It’s someone I
knew
. It just shocked me to see the mess she’s in.” She glanced over again with sadness and guilt in her eyes. I didn’t know who this woman was to Jodie, but I was certain that she was significant.

“Do you want to go over and talk to her? Make sure she’s okay?” I started to get up to go over and check on the poor woman.

“No. Leave her,” she shouted, grabbing my arm.

“Okay, I’ll leave it.” We finished our coffee, gathered the children, who now had messy hands and faces, and left the café.

We spent a few hours walking around the shopping centre, I even managed to buy some new clothes for myself and the kids, which was something I hadn’t done in a while. I hadn’t heard from Eli yet, and I didn’t know if that was good news or bad. I couldn’t resist buying him a new briefcase that I’d spotted in one of the shops. We were heading back towards my car when I spotted the woman once more. She sat in a doorway next to an abandoned building, her coat was wrapped around her tightly, and she shivered from the cold chill that was in the air.

“Jode, whoever she is to you, she needs help. Can we at least go and give her some money?” She nodded her head and gripped hold of the kids' hands tightly as we crossed the road. I pulled out a ten-pound note and walked over to the woman, placing it in her cold, calloused hand. She looked up, her eyes wide and glazed. I smiled at her and she smiled back, nodding her head. Her eyes found Jodie’s, and I saw the recognition immediately. Anger flashed across her face seconds before she threw the money back at me.

“I don’t want her money,” she screeched, the tone in her voice piercing my ears. I pulled the kids back, afraid that she might lash out.

“It’s not her money, it’s mine.” I offered, narrowing my eyes in confusion and trying to regain control of the situation.

“If you’re with her, I don’t want it. I’d rather starve to death than take money from the bitch who helped take my son away.” My stomach flipped. I should’ve seen it before, she had his big chocolate eyes, even though hers were bloodshot and heavy. My mouth opened and closed, not knowing what to say or do. Jodie stood still, staring at me, watching my reaction. She knew that I knew.

“Come on, let’s go.” She pulled my arm, trying to get me away from our mother-in-law.

“Those my grandkids?” she asked as we walked away. I didn’t even turn around to acknowledge her question. She allowed her child to be abused; she didn’t deserve another second of my time.

Maybe she got what she deserved?

Maybe her being on the streets is her punishment for what happened?

Whatever it was, I knew that we had to keep this a secret from the boys, they didn’t need to know what had become of their mother.

“We can’t tell them,” I said on a whisper. Jodie, who was walking right next to me, gave a small nod of understanding.

“Not a word,” I pressed.

“Agreed. There’s no point. Neither of them will want to see her anyway.”

“Why didn’t she believe him, Jode?” I asked quietly as we drove home. I’d never asked Eli, afraid that it would be too painful for him.

“She loved Darren. He was the love of her life and he couldn’t do anything wrong.” She sighed, looking at the road ahead. “Darren always had a drinking problem, but it got worse the older he got. He had an accident and hurt his back. I think the alcohol helped the pain. When Aaron was fourteen he started to hit him. Janet didn’t help.” Her voice strained as she told me what had happened to her husband. “Darren would beat him until he bled. Aaron still has faint scars from some of them. Then, when Aaron was sixteen Darren beat him so bad he broke his arm. Janet lied to the hospital and said Aaron fell down some steps, but after that Aaron couldn’t take it anymore and ran away.

“He didn’t think that leaving would make it worse for Eli. He still carries the guilt, and he regrets leaving him there so that monster could do what he did. He blames himself, and I don’t think he’ll ever forgive himself for it.” My chest ached for my brother-in-law. I’d never realised he’d held in all this guilt. I wondered if Eli knew? “When Aaron took Eli, Janet told them that she never wanted to see either of them ever again. She wouldn’t believe that her precious, abusive, drunk husband could do such a thing.” The distain in her voice was intense. She didn’t say another word the entire journey home, and I was thankful. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel, I was angry at Janet for not believing her sons, but I also understood the intense love she must have had for her husband.