Dear Darling (15 page)

I want you to tell Mel how much I love her and how sorry I am that I didn’t speak to her. She won’t understand, but you have to make her see that I did this to protect all of you. Maybe one day she will realise and forgive me. I hope you all forgive me in the end. I’m doing it all for you. Just like I always have. Everything I do, I do for my family. Because, I love you all.

“Are you ready?” I asked my nervous looking husband. He was dressed in a pair of black jeans, a black button-down shirt, with the top two buttons open, and he had on a dark blue jacket.

“As ready as I’ll ever be” he replied, his voice trying to act calm but I knew he was tense.

“Listen, it will be fine. Shelley is going to be there, and I’ll be there.” We’d been discussing this for weeks. Janet was due to be released from the hospital today, and I’d begged the boys to be there when she got out. I’d contacted her doctor, who’d explained that she’d had a psychotic breakdown after years of mental abuse and then the loss of her husband and financial assets. She had been treated and was feeling much better now. Social services had been able to help her to get a flat in Kent and she would be seeing her counsellor on a regular basis. The only thing to do now was to allow the boys some closure.

“I wish Aaron would come to find out why she took the children. He needs this closure as much as I do.” The sadness in his eyes made my heart ache for him. Aaron had been different since the kidnapping, and he and Eli had drifted apart. It hurt him so much, he tried not to let it show, but I knew how much pain it caused. “Come on.” He held out his hand, and I took it, letting him raise my knuckles to his lips and press a kiss there.

Shelley was already standing outside the double sliding doors waiting for us when we climbed out of the car. It had been a few months since we’d last seen her, and she looked well. She’d gained some weight, and she had a healthy glow to her skin.

“It’s so good to see you,” I said, pulling her into a hug.

“I missed you,” she whispered into my ear. “Thank you for getting him here.”

“Anytime,” I whispered back.

“Hey, where’s my hug?
I’m
your brother.” Eli smiled at his sister as she left my embrace and entered his.

“I missed you, too.”

“Come on, let’s get this over with.” He took Shelley’s hand in his left and mine in his right, and we headed to the room where we’d been asked to meet.

Once inside, the doctor directed us to a sofa, and Shelley and I each took a seat next to Eli. His knee was shaking, and I placed a hand on it to stop it.

“Now, your mother has made some great progress,” the doctor started. “When she first came to us she was suffering with what we call Delusional Disorder or delusional paranoia. Her depression, stemmed from years of mental abuse and alcohol is likely the cause of this psychosis. We’ve been treating her with therapy and medication, and we believe that with continued therapy, the proper medication, and healthy living, she will be fine.” Eli’s hand found mine and squeezed. “Now, what I want you to remember is your mother has a lot of remorse, and she wants you all to hear her out. All these things she’s been keeping inside her have caused her to lose control on reality. By getting them out into the open, she’s learning to forgive herself and clear her mind.” I nodded as the doctor spoke. These were all techniques I was familiar with, but Eli and Shelley were motionless as they listened. “Okay, I’ll go get her,” he announced before he stood and left the room. Almost as soon as the door closed, Eli stood and began pacing back and forth, his hands in his hair.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” he said, taking deep breaths.

“You can, we’ve been over this. She can’t hurt you any more, Eli. She’s done her worst. Let her speak, and then we can forget this whole thing.” He didn’t look at me, just carried on pacing. Shelley stood, stopping him in his tracks.

“Look at me,” she said, gripping hold of his face in her hands. “We can walk out that door at any time and never look back. I am behind you one hundred percent. But let’s give her a chance to say what she needs to say first. Okay?” He nodded his head and she broke her grip on him, pulling him in for a hug.

The door opening broke the thick silence in the room. The woman I’d met for the first time in the café had gone, replaced with a cleaner, brighter, vaguely attractive woman with bright chocolate eyes and a small smile plastered on her petite lips. She walked in timidly, bowing her head as she sat on the chair across from us. Her hands folded into her lap, she kept her head down as the doctor sat next to her. I watched Eli closely, waiting for a reaction, but his posture was the same as hers, neither wanting to look at each other first. The doctor cleared his throat and drew all our attention.

“Janet, would you like to start?” Her fingers twisted around one another, clasping together before she looked up. Her eyes first found Shelley, who was staring straight at her mother with mixed emotions. She then looked to Eli, whose head was still lowered, his fingers picking a piece of skin around his nails. Finally, she found my eyes. Staring straight at the woman who allowed her son to be raped and then stole her grandchildren, I couldn’t pinpoint a single emotion. I wanted to strangle her for what she’d put my family through, but I also felt sorry for her. She’d been manipulated by the man she loved fiercely. From what the doctor had said, she’d also been a victim herself. A victim of mental abuse from a man who had a violent and abusive nature.

“Um,” she started, her voice trembling with fear. “I…I don’t know where to start.”

“How about I’m sorry,” Eli snarled, his face still looking at his hands. Janet looked to the doctor, her eyes wide. Reaching over for Eli’s hands, I took hold of them, squeezing them reassuringly.

“I’m so sorry.” The words were soft, but we all heard them.

“What are you sorry for, Mum?” Her name was laced with venom. I thought he had it under control, but seeing her had brought back some painful memories for him. I watched as she looked towards the doctor again for reassurance. Shelley placed her arm around Eli’s shoulders, pulling him towards her, she whispered something in his ear, which was spoken too softly for me to hear.

“I’m sorry for everything.” The tone of her voice held little remorse. There was more self-pity.

“So, you’re sorry that you let that man beat me and Aaron on a daily basis? You’re sorry that he screwed up your daughter’s mind so badly that she had an eating disorder.” Her eyes flashed to Shelley, confused. “You’re sorry for stealing Aaron’s children, which sent his wife into a deep depression she is only just now recovering from. Or, are you sorry for letting that man rape me and never believing me?” All the things he’d always wanted to say came flooding out. Tears spilled from Janet’s eyes, but she remained composed, never taking her eyes from him. She’d done all of those things, she was guilty as sin and she knew it.

“Yes,” she replied, firmly. Eli looked up. Staring daggers through his mother.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, I’m sorry for all those things. I’m sorry that I let him do those things. I should have left. I should have taken you and ran. I know that now. Back then I didn’t believe I could do anything. I couldn’t leave him; I couldn’t go against him. I knew, but I couldn’t do anything. When he died, I was free, but I wasn’t. I still had to live with the regret of what he’d done. I was as guilty as he was, and I couldn’t live with the guilt. I drank to forget, and then I lost everything and the depression consumed me. I didn’t know what I was doing when I took the children, it wasn’t me.” Her eyes pleaded with her children to forgive her and a small part of me felt sorry for her. All the time she spoke, I could feel Eli’s reactions next to me, he went from tense to lax back to tense again in the space of seconds. I knew his resolve was wavering, he wanted to believe that she had no control, but he was so hurt. His own mother, the person who had given him life betrayed him in the worst possible way, had allowed horrible things to happen to him. As a mother, I could never imagine doing that.

“When I saw you on the streets, why didn’t you ask for help?” I spoke up.

“Pride. Jodie took my boys away. She took Aaron and then they both took Eli.” She looked to Eli before looking back down again. “I was angry.”

“Jodie has been more of a mother to me than you could ever be. She did not take your boys away. He drove us away, you drove us away by not believing us, by not standing up for us. I was raped, and you ignored me.” My strong, beautiful husband broke down, his head in his lap, tears falling like waves. He wanted this all to be over, he wanted to move on and forget about it all but it was so hard for him.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know how I can ever make up for it. I probably can’t, but sorry is a good start. If you never want to see me again, I understand. I know that Aaron and Jodie hate me, and I don’t blame them. I want to get out of here and start a fresh life, if that means without you, then so be it. But, I’d like to be a part of your lives, I’d like to be a part of my grandchildren’s lives.” Eli remained silent, not moving, his head remained in his lap. Janet looked at Shelley, who’d remained silent throughout. I knew that she felt torn between her mother and her brother, it was only natural.

“Mum,” Shelley’s sweet voice said, quivering. Eli flinched as his sister spoke, but he didn’t look up. I wanted to kneel on the floor, look him in the eyes, and tell him that I was right there for him. But I couldn’t, I had to let him do this alone. “The last few months have been the best of my life. I have my brother back, I have a job, a flat, and I’m finally getting healthy. I couldn’t have done any of this without Eli and Saffy.” She looked over to me and smiled. “I want you to know that whatever Eli decides today, I will be standing by him one hundred percent.” Janet nodded, understanding the decision her daughter had made. She looked defeated. She knew she’d lost her children again, and maybe she believed that she deserved it.

“I need time,” Eli said looking up. “I can’t deal with all this right now. I need time.” He stood, looked at me, and held out his hand. I took it. I would always take it. And, true to her word, Shelley followed us out.

So, I guess it’s time for me to wrap this letter up. You’re due home soon and it’s taken me all day to get this far. I still don’t have the words, but I need to say it.

I have to leave.

I have to leave you and the children.

I’m not worried about them. Sam is such a beautiful, kind, caring young man that I’m more than proud of. Bethany, she’s a caterpillar, waiting to get her wings. She will soar once she gains them.

You.

You’re my soul mate. My one and only. I’m so proud to have been your wife. You’ve given me two beautiful children and some extraordinary memories to take with me.

I love you, I always will.

Forever yours, Saffron xox

A lot had happened over the last two years. Jodie and Aaron had another baby, a beautiful little boy named Caleb. Eli and Shelley had reconciled their differences with Aaron, and Shelley had even been made Godparent to their new son. Shelley had met a man named Johnathon, who she planned to marry in the spring. Janet was released and all three of the siblings made a decision to cut Janet out for good. It may have sounded harsh to outsiders looking in, but it was for the best. There were too many bad memories, too many bad vibes, surrounding all of our lives when it came to that situation. After a lot of consideration, I’d made the choice to stop working as a crisis worker. Seeing Tanya made me realise that I was holding onto something that was making me unhappy. I was so consumed by what had happened to me, instead of what had happened to our baby, that I never grieved. I hadn’t grieved the loss of a child, and I needed to forget about Greg and the assault and learn to accept what happened.

For our ten-year anniversary Eli had planned a surprise trip away. However, he informed me that we couldn’t go in the August, it had to be November time. I was curious as to why we couldn’t go in the summer, but wouldn’t question his motives.

“So, are you going to tell me where you’re taking me?” I asked for the hundredth time that week.

“Nope, I keep telling you, it’s a surprise.”

“Sam, do you know where Daddy is taking me?” I asked, turning so I could look at him.

“Dad has sworn me to secrecy. I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to.”

“Whatever he has bribed you with, I’ll double it,” I said with a wink.

“Nope, sorry. You can’t match it,” he said as he ran out of the room. When he disappeared, I turned back to Eli, who had a massive grin on his face.

“You’re such a tease, you know that?”

“I know, but you love me.” He pulled me against him, snaking his arms tightly around my waist and kissing me fiercely. “Now, go get ready, your mum will be here soon to get the kids.” He smacked me playfully on the bum as I left the room.

My parents were taking the children to the seaside for the week while we went away, and they couldn’t be more excited. It was all either of them had talked about, and even now, as I pulled my hair up and put on my shoes, I could hear them talking about how Grandma had promised them all the ice cream they could eat.

“Your mum and dad are here,” Eli called from downstairs. I’d just finished packing the last item on the list that Eli had created. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going, but I knew it was going to be cold by the items he asked me to bring.

“Hey, Mum, Dad,” I said, kissing them both on the cheek. Beth and Sam were already clinging to them asking questions about what they were going to be doing on their mini holiday.

“Hi, darling. Are you all set?” my mum asked.

“Yep, just finished packing. Do you know where he’s taking me?”

“No, dear. I don’t,” she said, looking at Eli suspiciously. I knew she was lying. They were all in on it.

“I don’t know, Mummy,” Beth said, walking over to hug me.

“Well at least one of you is innocent.” I eyeballed my family with a smirk.

“Come on then kids, let’s get you in the car. We want to beat the traffic,” Dad’s booming voice announced. The kids cheered, running to grab their belongings.

“Now, you two promise to behave for Nanny and Grandad. No fighting or arguing and make sure you do exactly as they say.”

“We will,” they said in unison, which made Sam roll his eyes. They gave both Eli and me a hug before running off to the car.

“Have a nice time, sweetheart,” Mum called as she got into the car.

“You too. I’ll call you when we get to wherever we’re going,” I looked at Eli through narrow eyes.

“Come on, we need to make a move too,” he said, heading upstairs to get the bags.

We arrived in Ivalo after an overnight layover in Helsinki. My first thought as we exited Ivalo airport was,
It’s blood freezing.
Eli had told me dress warmly, but I hadn’t bothered on the plane. I wished I’d listened. We took a bus through the snowy towns and mountains towards our hotel. I had to admit, even though it was freezing, it was a beautiful country. The snow-covered trees and mountains looked spectacular. I knew nothing about Finland, I didn’t even know that Eli wanted to go, so it was a complete surprise to me.

“Are you okay?” he asked as we got off the bus. I’d been quiet during the journey, taking it all in. I didn’t even notice the cold anymore, it was so beautiful.

“I’m perfect. It’s beautiful. Thank you so much.” I leaned toward him and kissed my thoughtful husband on the cheek.

We got to the cabin where we would be staying, and I inhaled the crisp smell of snow and pine. It was spacious and cosy at the same time, with a large fireplace, bookshelves loaded with books, and furniture that looked as if it had been hand carved. I was in awe of the wooden, king-sized bed frame and hand stitched quilt that lay atop it.

“Do you like it?” Eli asked nervously.

“I love it, it’s amazing. What made you want to come here?”

“Hopefully, you will find out tonight,” he replied with a smirk. “Let’s unpack and go get something to eat.”

After a delicious three-course meal, we made our way back to the cabin.

“What’re those lights?” I asked, looking in the distance towards some round lights poking out of the snow.

“Those are glass igloos. We are going to be sleeping in one of those on Thursday,” he replied, still wearing the same smile he had since the moment we arrived. I knew that something special was happening, and I couldn’t wait to find out what. We arrived back at the cabin and Eli lit the fire, while I went to undress.

“Do you fancy going out into the Jacuzzi?” I asked, winking at my husband as I walked into the room.

“Go switch it on, and I’ll be right out.” He still had that suspicious smirk on his face. I hated surprises, but this was a good one. I wrapped my jacket around myself and pressed the button to switch on the Jacuzzi, then I rushed back inside to escape the freezing cold night air as the water warmed. By the time I changed and headed back outside, steam was rising from the water, which was a beautiful sight. I dropped my dressing gown and climbed in before the air could chill me too badly. Bubbles popped on my skin as I sunk down, sitting on the ledge.

I could hear music playing from the bar in the distance, but couldn’t make out what it was. Leaning back on my arms, the night sky was cloudy and I thought about how much Eli hated the clouds.

“Are ya ready, baby? ‘Cause I’m gonna rock ya world,” Eli said in a strong cockney accent. He walked out, and I got a full view of what he was wearing. He had on a thong that could only be described as an elephant trunk. His “bits” were in the trunk part and the rest was an elephant face. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing at my sexy husband.

“Where did you get that from?” I laughed.

“What? Don’t you like my sexy trunk?” He lowered himself into the water, his trunk just touching the top. As he walked closer to my naked body, the trunk rose higher, and I laughed harder. Elias had the biggest grin on his face.

“I love your trunk. Now come here and kiss me.” He stalked toward me slowly, and when he reached me, he sank to his knees in front of me and kissed me. I struggled not to giggle when his “trunk” pressed against my stomach.

“I love you, Mrs Vale,” he whispered into my ear.

“I love you, too, Mr Vale.” He moved away, leaning back against the warm plastic and looking up into the sky.

“Damn, it’s too cloudy.” He seemed pissed off about it. I smiled at my geeky husband, remembering what I’d thought earlier. He was always wanting to see the stars.

“Do you think there are different stars here than in the UK?” I asked, laughing.

“You don’t have to make fun of me,” he said, sticking his tongue out at me. “I’m sorry. I was just hoping the sky would be clear.”

“Why?”

“Just wait.” It was the only explanation I got before he pounced on me.

The next few days were amazing. We went on a horseback ride through the forest and dog sledging. It was so much fun. The food was delicious, but I refused to eat reindeer. The kids would freak if they knew I’d eaten Rudolf. Eli was annoyed that it had been cloudy every night, and I couldn’t understand why he was reacting the way he was. It was Thursday and we were due to go and stay in the igloos. I was excited about sleeping underneath the stars and was praying that the clouds would disappear just for this one night. We packed up some clothes and left the rest of the stuff in the locked cabin.

When we entered the igloo, a wave of claustrophobia washed over me. There was one double bed in the centre, a drawer at the side and then a small bathroom towards the back. I don’t know why I hadn’t expected it to be as tiny as it was, but it didn’t matter once I looked up. The view was stunning now that the wind had whisked the clouds away.

“I’ll go,” Eli said when a soft knock sounded. I wasn’t sure where he was going to “go” but instead of cracking a joke, I turned my eyes back to the sunset. A few minutes later he came back with a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket, two glasses, and a plate of chocolate-covered strawberries. He’d gone all out on this evening. Rummaging in my bag, I pulled out the negligée I’d purchased before we left and ducked into the bathroom to put it on. The black silk skimmed my skin as it settled over my body, shimmering slightly as I moved. I tightened the pretty red bow in the middle and made sure nothing else was out of place. Tipping my head upside down, I pulled out the hair tie and ruffled my long locks, throwing my head back to give it some volume. Finally, I applied some lip-gloss, smacked my lips together, and pinched my cheeks to give them a slight glow. I was ready, but why was I nervous? Maybe it was the setting, being under the night sky, but whatever it was, it was unwarranted.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and stepped out. Eli was lying in bed with the sheet draped over his naked form, just hiding his dignity.

“Wow, you look . . . more breath-taking than the view outside.” I smiled, looking up and what I saw was the most beautiful sight. Dancing across the sky was what I could only describe as a light show.

“What? What is that?” I asked in awe, my eyes never leaving the magical illusion above me.

“They’re the Aurora Borealis or The Northern Lights. It was the main reason I wanted to bring you here. They aren’t always out, we’re so lucky they’ve joined us tonight. It was fate.” In all the years that I’d been with Eli, and all the times we’d looked at the sky, I’d never seen him so happy. It was like he was witnessing everything for the first time, and I guess in a way, he was. “
They’re named after the Roman goddess of dawn, Aurora, and the Greek name for the north wind, Boreas. Aren’t they stunning?” He looked back at me, I could see him out of the corner of my eye as I watched the blue and green colours blend into the night sky.

“They are more than beautiful. I have no words,” I said, moving so that I could lay on the bed next to him.

“You’re more beautiful,” he said, leaning on his elbow to face me. I smiled, turning over to look at him.

“You’re not bad yourself,” I said on a wink, looking him up and down, wishing that the covers would remove themselves so I could see him in all his glory.

He grabbed the two glasses of champagne and handed me one.

“Cheers,” he said, raising his glass to mine.