Dear Darling (16 page)

“Cheers.” I tipped the glass to my lips, letting the bubbles tickle my nose before taking a sip. As smoothly as he had handed me the glass, he took it from my hand and placed it to the side of the bed and picked up the plate of strawberries. He pushed me backward onto the bed, and I watched as he bit softly into one side of the fruit and then lowered the chocolate-covered side to my lips I bit into it, the sweet and tart complementing one another.

He smirked, lowering his head back to claim my lips. My heart rate accelerated as he kissed his way down my neck and throat until he reached my heaving breasts. They swelled as his lips touched them, my nipples peaking. The lights of Aurora danced through the dome, sending waves of green and blue across Eli’s skin.

His tongue trailed a path over my stomach, making its way downwards. I giggled and squirmed a bit as his fingers lightly gripped my hips.

“Shh, baby. I’m going to take my time tonight,” he whispered, but his words just made my heart beat faster. My back arched as he licked through my core, his tongue caressing my clit, over and over again as his hands found the inside of my thighs and forced my legs wider.

I managed a throaty moan, but he had stolen my voice, pushing his fingers into me as his tongue continued to tease me. When he curled his fingers, I exploded on a cry. A satisfied smirk was spread across his face when I opened my eyes. “You look so beautiful right now. The pink of your cheeks mixed with the colours of the room. I wish I could capture this moment forever.” His eyebrow raised, and the side of his mouth curved up as he quickly reached over to where I’d left my bag on the side of the bed. Taking out my camera, he snapped a quick picture of me before I could complain.

“You’re beautiful.” He dropped the camera, lowering his head to kiss me. I could taste myself on his lips, and as he pushed himself into me, I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him deeper. He touched me with reverence, kissing and nipping at my skin as he moved. Words whispered against my skin were lost to the lights shining above us, and when I came, he captured my mouth with his again, swallowing my moans of pleasure.

Only when I floated back down did he build his speed, pounding me harder into the bed. My body fell to pieces again as he swelled inside me.

“I’ll love you forever, Saffron. More than all the stars in the sky,” he murmured, running his thumb along my bottom lip.

“I love you, too. More than all the grains of sand in the world.” We lay together, spent and content under the beautiful sky.

“Hey, honey, I’m home.” I hear him call from the front door. Stuffing the letter inside the envelope, I quickly shove it in to the kitchen drawer before he enters the room. My stomach lunges as I decide what to do. A pounding inside my head pulsates the more I think about it.

“Hi. Pizza will be here in a minute, go shower and I’ll shout you.” My voice shakes, but he doesn’t notice. He walks over and kisses my cheek before heading upstairs. Gripping my stomach tightly, I walk towards the kitchen sink and lean against it. Everything hurts, my whole body feels as if it’s shutting down. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, I can’t move. A wave of cold washes over me, starting at my toes and moving upwards, followed by a searing heat. My heart pounds fast inside my chest, beating harder than a drum in a rock band. The bile rises in my throat, and I feel my head starting to spin. The room goes blurry, and I can feel myself falling. Falling, in slow motion. My limbs are like jelly and I feel my head smack against the cabinet before my body falls to the cold, tiled floor. The pain is unlike anything I have ever felt, it’s breaking and burning and freezing all at the same time. I want to scream, but the breath won’t come. There is nothing but pain in those few seconds before everything goes black.

* * *

“Mrs Vale. Mrs Vale, can you hear me?” I can hear the voices in the distance but everything is white. I feel so peaceful, my body finally succumbing to the stress.

“What’s wrong with her?” My beautiful Elias. His voice sounds like an angel. Oh, how I love him. Never, not since the day I met him, have I ever stopped loving him. He has always been the constant in my life, my gravitational pull. He is the person who has given me strength to make it through the bad things that have happened, the light in my life. He gave me the will to keep on going when my life was falling apart. My love for him today, is as strong as it has ever been. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to say goodbye. I can’t say goodbye. Why? Why do I have to go?

“I love you, Saffy.” Is the last thing I hear before my mind drifts off into unconsciousness and the memories come flooding back.

“See that group of stars there, that look like a bright square?” Elias pointed up towards the sky as Beth looks through the telescope.

“I think so, Dad.”

“Well, that is called Pegasus. See how the stars at the side of it and some are underneath them? Well, if you draw a line connecting all of those, it looks like a horse.”

“I don’t see a horse, Dad. You’re crazy.” I laughed quietly at my daughter from where I stood in the doorway watching their interaction. Eli proceeded to draw the constellation on a piece of paper to prove his point. We’d converted the loft space into a small observatory and office, fully equipped with all the things Eli needed for work. He loved it up there, and he loved teaching the kids about space. Sam wasn’t as interested in it as Beth was, she loved spending time with her dad.

Making my way downstairs, I tripped on a rogue shoe, falling the last couple of steps.

“Mum, are you okay?” Sam asked as he ran out of the living room to check on me.

“Yeah, I’m fine. My ankle is a little sore, that’s all,” I lied. It was already swelling.

“Let me help you up, and I’ll get Dad.”

“No, don’t bother your dad, he’s busy with Beth. Just help me to the sofa and I’ll put some ice on it.” He helped me up and did as I’d asked. The pain was intense, but I tried my best to downplay it. I didn’t want to go to the hospital. If I had to, I’d see my local doctor the following day. Placing an ice pack on my ankle, Sam kissed my forehead and went upstairs to do his homework.

“Saffron, what the hell happened?” Eli’s panicked voice woke me from my nap. The ice had melted and was dripping down my ankle onto the sofa.

“Oh, nothing. I fell down the stairs a little,” I said on a yawn. The throbbing was worse now, but it was more of a dull ache than a stabbing pain.

“A little? Saff, your foot is black.” Leaning up on my elbows, I tried to look at my swollen, black foot. It didn’t look
that
bad.

“It’s fine. It will only be a sprain, and I’m not sitting in A&E all night for a sprain.” I was being stubborn and I knew it, but I didn’t want to disrupt everyone because of my stupidity.

“Okay. But, you better promise me to go in the morning if it doesn’t get any better.”

“Okay, I promise. Jodie is coming in the morning anyway, so she can take me.” I had no intention of going, but I wanted to appease him.

* * *

“Morning, chick,” Jodie shouted as she walked through the front door.

“Hey, Jodes, I’m in here,” I called from the sofa. I’d had a bad night, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfy position. I knew I should’ve gone to the hospital, but I still didn’t want to make a fuss. Luckily, Eli had gone off to work early, so he hadn’t noticed how swollen and purple it now was.

“What have you done, Saff? That looks nasty,” she said, seeing me with my foot up on the stool.

“Aunt Saffy, your foot looks like Barney,” Caleb said as he sat on the sofa next to me.

“I fell down the stairs last night. It’s nothing.”

“Nothing? Seriously, Saff, that needs checking.” Her face was stern, and I knew I should’ve called to bail on her. “You are going to go get dressed, and then I’m taking you to the doctor.” I knew there was no arguing with her, so I hobbled upstairs, got dressed, and then obediently followed her to the car without complaint. Caleb sang the Barney song all the way to the doctor’s office and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’ll go and see if they have a wheelchair for you,” Jodie called as she got out of the car, not leaving me time to reject her idea.

“Why don’t you want to go to the doctor, Aunt Saff?” Caleb asked when we were alone.

“It’s not that I don’t want to go, I just don’t like making a fuss. It will be fine.” He shook his head at me, and when he saw Jodie come back outside, he got out of the car to join her.

“They don’t have one, so you’ll have to hop. The receptionist said they’ll see you as soon as the doctor is free.” I rolled my eyes at her. At least this wasn’t going to take all day. Jodie helped me into reception and sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs while we waited. Half an hour later, my name flashed across the screen.

“You want me to help you in?”

“I’m sure I can hop down the corridor. You wait here with Caleb.”

“Okay, scream if you need me.” She winked. I hobbled to the office, pain shooting through my foot with every step. When I made it inside without fainting, I all but collapsed into the first chair I saw.

“Hello, Mrs Vale. What have you been doing?” the doctor said taking a seat on the stool on the other side of the room. I must’ve looked a real plonker, hobbling around, holding onto the wall to stabilise myself.

“I fell down the stairs last night. My sister-in-law
insisted
I came to get it checked out.” I rolled my eyes and sighed to let him know that I didn’t want to waste his time. He had me move from the chair to the paper-covered bed so he could check my foot. I flinched as he pressed parts of my throbbing foot, almost sending me through the ceiling.

“I think you’ve just badly sprained it. I’ll strap it up for you. You need to rest it and keep it elevated.” He put an elasticated bandage over it, which relieved some of the aching pain and headed back over to his desk. “Take some paracetamol and Ibuprofen to help with the pain.” I put my sandal back on and hopped over to the chair, as he typed away on his keypad. “Now, Mrs Vale, I notice that you didn’t attend your last appointment at the clinic for your routine smear test?” He looked at me with steely eyes and I shrunk inside my coat.

“I’m sorry, I’ve had a lot going on. I’ll remake the appointment.” My mind had been all over the place and that was the last thing on my priority list.

“Please do, it’s important.” I felt like a kid in the headmaster’s office.

“Thank you,” I said meekly, standing up carefully and making my way out of the door.

“What did he say?” Jodie asked as I hopped into the waiting room.

“Just a sprain, I told you it was for nothing. I could’ve been home resting it, like I’m meant to.” She pulled a face at me and helped me get home.

I wake to the sound of my husband singing “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars. Listening to his voice sends tingles through my body and tiny goose bumps dance along my arms and legs. I’m so exhausted, I feel like I could sleep forever, my eyelids are trying to open, but they can’t make it. I hear him sigh, and then he starts to sing again, his warm hand gripping mine.

“I'm dreaming dreams, I'm scheming schemes,
I'm building castles high.
They're born anew, their days are few,
Just like a sweet butterfly.
And as the daylight is dawning,
They come again in the morning!”

I’m shocked to hear him singing those lyrics. When he was a boy, he was a massive West Ham F.C. fan, but he hadn’t watched football in a long time. It reminded him of his past. He told me about his dad’s love of football and how when he was around three or four, they would go to matches together. This was before his dad turned abusive. His childhood wasn’t all bad, he did have some good memories. Hearing the words to that song, and knowing it’s associated with the team, makes me wonder what he’s thinking about.

I try to open my eyes to ask him, but they don’t want to open. I try to move my hand to let him know, but it won’t move. Damn it! Why won’t it move? My chest starts to feel heavy, pressing against my spine, my throat closes as I try to move my body, but nothing happens.

I don’t know what is happening to me. All I want to do is open my eyes and tell my husband that I love him, I want to tell him that everything is okay, tell him that I won’t leave him, I’ll fight for us, I’ll fight until the end of time to stay with him forever.

But I can’t.

“Mr Vale, would you like a cup of tea or coffee?”

“No. Thank you, though.” I hear my husband’s sweet voice, and my eyelids flutter. “She moved,” he says, his tone filled with hope. “Saffron, Saff, can you hear me?” With every single ounce of strength that I have left in me, I try to move my body again and open my eyes. His warm hand is on mine again, gripping me tightly. I know that I need to fight this fog and wake up so that I can see his face. Light creeps in through a slit in my eyelid, and I try as hard as I can to open them a bit further. Squinting when the light brightens, I blink several times before they open fully. Everything is blurry, but I can just make out the shape of my husband’s beautiful face. His hair hangs over his forehead, and as my eyes begin to focus, I see the sorrow on his face. His bloodshot eyes, glazed with tears, stare at me with sympathy and anger, and I know that he knows.

He knows why I was leaving him.

He knows that I’m dying
.

“Mrs Vale, the doctor has asked for a repeat of your recent smear test,” the receptionist with the bored, condescending tone said on the other end of the phone. “Can you come in tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure. What time?”

“Is ten okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. See you then.” I hung up the phone and carried on with my work. I’d been putting off the test for a while now, well I’d put it off for the last four years, ignoring the letters that had been sent to remind me. I didn’t know why I ignored them, maybe it was the fact that it reminded me so much of the rape exam that was performed on me sixteen years ago. Whatever the reason, I’d finally given in to the doctor’s demanding letters and made myself an appointment. Now they wanted me to redo the test and I didn’t know why.

“Who was on the phone?” Eli asked as he walked into the study. I was working on a manuscript which needed editing by the end of the week. We’d planned to take the children in to London for the weekend, so I had to work late to get it completed on time.

“It was nothing, just the doctor’s office reminding me of an appointment.”

“Okay, are you almost done? The kids want to play Monopoly,” he said with a smirk on his face. I knew it wasn’t the kids that wanted to play, it was him. He was the king of Monopoly and no one ever beat him, no matter how many times we tried.

“Sure.” I winked. “Go set up, I’ll be through soon.” Packing all my things together, I set a reminder on my phone for the appointment and then headed out to get beat by my overly competitive husband.

* * *

“Mrs Vale, please, take a seat.” The doctor pointed at the chair next to him. A nurse sat over the opposite side of the room and I looked curiously between the two of them.

“We’d like to do a few routine tests since there were some atypical cells in your latest smear test. Would it be okay if we did an internal exam and drew some blood?” I nodded my head, unsure of what any of this meant. “Have you had any unusual bleeding?” I thought about it for a minute before answering his question.

“My periods have been a bit hit or miss, but I just thought it was due to stress. When I was younger I had an unusual cycle and was put on the pill. I came off it when I had the children and was given the injection instead. I thought maybe it was just being weird with my age.”

“Okay, we’ll do these tests today, and we should have the blood back tomorrow.” He was starting to worry me now; the doctors never did anything quickly. His expression was blank, and the nurse was doing everything but looking at me. After the doctor performed the exam, they assured me, yet again, that I shouldn’t worry and that they would call me by the next day.

As soon as I got home, I switched on my laptop, made a cup of tea, and sat to Google abnormal tests. What I found terrified me. My hands shook as I scrolled through the thousands of pages. My mind went back to the day when the doctor had reminded me about my smear test, and I wished that I’d listened to him and just had it done. Maybe, if I hadn’t waited, this could have been prevented. The more I Googled, the more afraid I became.

Standing in the shower, I looked at my stomach, which didn’t look any different. I hadn’t lost any weight, I hadn’t been feeling ill, I didn’t have any strange cramps. Maybe I was a little more forgetful than usual and a bit tired, but I thought it was just stress from work.

The next twenty-four hours were spent worrying while I waited for the results. I hadn’t said a word to anyone, I hadn’t even told Jodie. Worrying people when there was nothing to worry about, wasn’t my thing. I hated anyone making a fuss, and I certainly didn’t want Elias to find out. He’d noticed a change in me, but, I’d made excuses about just being tired. Luckily, he believed me.

The time went slow, but eventually I was called back into the doctor’s office.

“Good Morning, Mrs Vale.”

Is it? Is it a good morning?

“We’ve received your test results back, and I’ve referred you to a gynaecologist at the hospital. Now, he would like to do
a
colposcopy as soon as possible.” My mind was numb, my hands trembled against my leg uncontrollably.

“What is that?”

“They will examine your cervix and take a small tissue sample to test. It will be done as an outpatient at the treatment center in the hospital. And, you’ll be back home in the evening.” My whole body felt light, as if I was about to drift up off the chair like a balloon.

“But why?”

“Whilst running our initial tests we found some germ cells which we are concerned about, and we’d like to take a better look at them.” I didn’t even cry, I couldn’t cry, I was too shocked, too scared. “Do you have anyone with you today? Is your husband available to drive you home?”

“No. He’s at work, I don’t want to bother him.” We’ve had so much happen to us during our relationship, but this would be the final nail in the coffin. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t put him through this. I had to do it alone.

“Is there anyone else who can come and collect you?”

“I will ask one of my friends to come. Thank you. Is that all? Can I go?” He looked at the nurse and then back at me.

“Would you not like some more information?”

“No, I’m fine.” Collecting my bag from the floor, I stood and made my way silently out of the door. Everything floated past me in slow motion. The people who walked by me blurred into the background. The noises, distant and muffled. I didn’t recall how I got to the car, or how I managed to drive home, but somehow I did. Somehow I managed to pick up the children from school. Somehow I managed to cook a meal. Somehow I managed to sit through an evening with Elias, but I don’t remember any of it. All I could remember was lying in bed that night, my mind going in a thousand different directions. The voices in my head screaming at me, screaming that I should just walk away. It was for the best, they were better off without me. They couldn’t deal with gynecology appointments, operations, chemotherapy, they couldn’t deal with my hair falling out, my constant sickness, and eventually my death. I had to sneak away, leave them without telling them why.

I had to protect my family.