Death Knows My Name (Memory Keepers) (23 page)

“Michael wasn’t afraid at all.” Eric paused to give me time to stop him if I had changed my mind and no longer wanted an answer. When I didn’t interrupt, he continued holding me tighter as a sob trembled through my body.

“He was brave. He had no fear about what was to happen next. I don’t know how to explain it, but this time felt different. I think it was because I knew Michael beforehand.”

I tilted my face up to look at him, concerned now that he was hurting himself from what he had done tonight. “Different how, like in a bad way? Are you okay?”

His chuckle was sad. “Don’t worry about me. Don’t you worry about
me
.”

“Don’t tell me what to worry about, Eric. What did you mean different? Was it harder for you because you knew Michael?”

“No, it was different because he knew
me
.”

I let my body fall back against his chest. I sat wrapped in his embrace as I let his words sink in. “Huh. So was it easier than usual?” I asked slowly.

“Easier? For me or him?” He eased back from me slightly. “You have to understand, I have no problem doing what I do. It was never easy, but it also was never an issue with me.”

“You having no problem, did that change?”

“You probably think Angels like Valience and those who do what I do are cruel, but it isn’t cruelty that drives us and enables us to do what we can do. We know every human emotion.” He paused only slightly, before adding, “In theory. We don’t understand the ‘why.’ You miss those who passed away, yes we know that, but not the why and to what extent.” He shifted me on his lap until I faced him. “I would watch you cry and as much as I already cared for you, I still didn’t get it.”

“What changed?”

“I felt it firsthand. People can die of a broken heart, and even though it didn’t happen to you, your grief almost took you.”

I closed my eyes, trying to shield myself from what I had done.

“I watched you kill yourself. In that moment, I got it, because I felt grief. I didn’t ever want to lose you. If I did lose you, I would die too, of a broken heart. So to answer your question, no, it wasn’t easier this time. Causing pain should never be done easily. It was done with the correct amount of regret but it was done smooth enough to be at peace with it. Whatever the hell that truly means.”

Eric was frustrated. I knew it. He never spoke that harshly unless he was. I buried my face in his neck and took a deep breath.

Something had to be done. As the tears dried on my face, I remembered the past tears I’d cried, the future tears I would soon cry, and of all the tears of those like me, those like Anya. My soul ached at the thought of those who might want to die from their broken heart just to end the pain.

“Eric, I need to fix this.”

Chapter 20

I crowded against Eric’s side and tried not to admit to myself how afraid I was. That would be like admitting my fear to Eric. Even though I knew he was trying to give me privacy in my thoughts, my heightened emotion would be like a red flag and not only would he be compelled to read me, but the entire Heavenly body would be able to do so as well.

I took a deep breath and swallowed the fear and panic that formed a lump in my throat, almost choking me. I raised my face toward what humans would describe as the “Pearly Gates.”

“Why is this called the Pearly Gates?” I asked, trying to do and say anything to distract myself.

Eric narrowed his eyes as he searched my face. Shit, I knew what he would see there. My attempts to hide the fact that I was terrified were for nothing. I am almost positive it was written all over my face. He shook his head slightly and his face softened.

“It’s not. It’s one of those things that I don’t understand where humans come up with what they do.” He took my hand. “You sure you want to do this?” He was giving me a chance to succumb to my fear and back out.

I told him the truth. “No, I’m sure I don’t want to do this. Not even a little bit.” I squeezed his hand as his body coiled, getting ready to wrap me in his arms and get me the hell out of there. “But I’m also sure that it’s what I have to do.”

“How did I let you convince me this was a good idea? Because it’s not. It’s a very bad idea. Most likely the worst one you’ve ever had.”

I grinned and shook my head in disagreement. “No it isn’t. I gave Becca’s cat a perm once. Or at least I tried.” I pointed to a small cluster of very thin scars on my neck, just below my earlobe where he usually kissed me as we waited for our second or third wind in bed. “That was not fun at all and probably the worst idea.”

He laughed. “I’m serious.”

“I know. Too serious as always. I know Valience and the Swarm hate me. Plus, you already warned me this is a dangerous place. But, dude, I’m standing right at the Gates of Heaven. How flippin’ sweet is this?” No matter how scared I was, and I was scared shitless, I was about to step foot in Heaven. It really is who you know.

“Valience is not the worst thing we have up here, not by far. Valience would be considered the good guy.”

I looked at him with wide eyes. If Valience was the good guy, then what the hell—

“Now you’re getting it. This is Heaven, but don’t get it confused with a walk in the park. The more beautiful they are, the more you should be afraid.” He walked forward, taking me with him, and then stopped.

“I guess I should also warn you. A lot of my kin aren’t pleased with me and aren’t as accepting of your kind as I am. There is something up here that you are going to see that you might think belongs in Sheol rather than the dwellings of God. Don’t look at it and do not show blatant fear or lack of it.”

“What am I supposed to—?” I didn’t have time to finish because Eric swept open the entrance to Heaven and I forgot all words. I didn’t even remember that I could speak them.

My head spun as if I was looking up while turning in circles. At all that was around me, I felt like a tourist in New York City, enraptured by the giant buildings. I was a tourist of Heaven and I was overwhelmingly certain of one thing. I knew I didn’t belong here, and I never would.

Eric grasped my hand again because I had let go. He was like an anchor and everything stopped spinning. Apparently, I really was turning in circles with my neck craned to see it all. I felt heat creep up my cheeks, embarrassed. Had anyone besides Eric seen me act like a spaz?

“Are you ready?” Eric’s voice was low, but not exactly a whisper.

I nodded. “Not really.”

“Don’t worry. I will not allow anything to cause you harm.” His voice held a sharp edge in it that I had never heard before. His eyes weren’t warm honey or rich amber, they were black. A cold, fierce black.

I shivered.

“Let’s go.”

I don’t know what I expected to see when I got to Heaven, but I can tell you it was not what I was seeing. I will tell you this, humans and their perceptions got it wrong. Even I, who have met and seen a handful of Angels, was not prepared for what I saw.

Our poets and artists got it all wrong. Maybe it was a conspiracy. The level of how wrong they had it was outrageous. Even after meeting Valience, Dhylaka, Lucifer, and seeing Dartainian, somewhere deep down I was expecting to see little fat babies with wings and instruments floating around the air or effeminate beings, neither male nor female. Heck, I found it laughable now thinking back to my art history classes remembering a Gustave Dore painting titled “The Firstborn Slain.” Was that really supposed to be Valience? The very fragile creature descending the steps with a sword in his use, leaving a scene where mourners held their first born, was so far from who Valience was. I even doubted that he used or needed a sword.

There were no cherubs, no dainty female-esque Angels awaiting me in heaven. Fierce, strong, and dominating creatures that radiated security and confidence congregated in clusters everywhere. Even those who appeared to be female looked strong. Dhylaka, who by all means was the smallest of everyone there, radiated more dominance and strength than anyone else. And by God, they were all so gorgeous, the Heaven-bound even more so than the fallen. There were what seemed like mini orbs that radiated warm pale light from their centers. Tiny suns that reflected their peaceful calm.

The fallen eyed the light with what appeared to be jealousy. No, resentment.

Most of the Angels stood in clear-cut groups keeping to themselves. Only Dhylaka navigated between them back and forth, to all the different groups working the room like this was a cocktail party.

Though we weren’t really in a room. The ground wasn’t a floor. More like grass. That is, if grass was as multifaceted as a cut diamond. The angel lights twinkled off the reflecting blades making the gathering area impossibly bright.

Just as Eric led me up to where all the groups gathered, Dhylaka threw her head back in melodic laughter. She stood in front of three Heaven-bound Angels. One had his arm looped over her shoulder playfully. He was tall with bronze skin as light as honey. His curly brown hair was untamed and he joined Dhylaka in laughter. His eyes shifted away from his group and I found myself staring into liquid steel eyes. All my nervous tension dissipated.

Did he do that? Had he somehow calmed me? A knowing smirk formed on his lips. I froze. It looked so much like my brother’s. Dhylaka, as if sensing something, turned to me. She excused herself from the group and headed our way. The tall angel with the silver eyes followed her, the smile still quirking his mouth.

I tugged at Eric’s hand diverting his attention to me.

“He reminds me of my brother.” I recognized the awe in my voice.

“I know.” That was all he said. I could feel Eric observing me as I took in all of Heaven. It was as if he was enjoying it through me while I was seeing it all for the first time. I had just spotted where the sound of rushing water was coming from. There was a waterfall cascading into a pristine river.

“The 3-in-1 put that there just for her.”

A smooth voice pulled my attention from the water. It was the tall, bronzed Angel with my brother’s smile. The her that he was referring to was Dhylaka, and she was grinning up at him. “She can be a brat when she wants to, and usually she wants to all the time.” He laughed and so did Eric. Dhylaka didn’t look offended at all.

“Mayne, meet my annoying younger brother, your great-great-uncle Shikemi.”

The Angel she called Shikemi stepped into my space and brought me into a hug. “She says younger brother like we weren’t mere minutes apart.”

I could hear the eye rolling in his words.

When he stepped back he looked into my face. “Welcome, Mayne. How are you, Ectain Edeck?” he added, acknowledging Eric with a friendly nod.

Dhylaka took Shikemi’s hand, and my heart squeezed. What I wouldn’t do to hold my brother’s hand. This was why I was here, this feeling of loss. The constant loss that I, and those like me, had to go through without knowing why. It wasn’t fair. If I hadn’t fallen for Eric, I still wouldn’t have known. I would have just kept losing. I would have assumed Michael’s death was a result of his crush for me, the curse striking again. And all those others out there going through this, they still didn’t know.

Eric put his arm around my waist in comfort. I had to look away from the siblings or I’d start crying in front of all these angels from the loss of my own brother.

“Are you ready for this?” Shikemi asked me with gentleness in his eyes.

I nodded. “Not at all.”

Eric chuckled. “You do realize that you’re nodding, right?”

“Yeah, I was going to pretend to be badass and brave but then I realized most everyone here can read my thoughts, so why even bother?”

Shikemi and Dhylaka laughed. They both had a free and easy laugh. Shikemi reached out and tugged on one of my loose curls. “Welcome to the family, kid.”

I had almost forgotten why I was here when another large angel in heavy linen pants and shirt with sun-kissed skin and chestnut-colored hair stepped forward, nearing the boundary lines that separated Heaven from everything else. He came close but he stayed on the Heaven side and never crossed over.

“That’s Gabriel,” Dhylaka whispered to me. “Come stand next to me. Eric has to go be in the middle of things. You’ll be fine with us.” Shikemi nodded.

Eric acted reluctant to leave me, but then removed his arm from around me. “I do have to go over there or who knows what might happen.” He bent down to me and pressed his lips against mine tenderly. In that moment, we were the only ones there, but when he broke our kiss, I was wrong. In fact, most of the eyes were on us and Valience was glaring at me. Shikemi draped his arm around me loosely, Dhylaka wound her arm around my waist, and they both turned their gaze toward Valience in challenge. He turned away with a frown, and I let out the breath I was holding.

“Why are we here Ectain Edeck?” a tall, Heaven-bound angel asked. He was very attractive but also a bit nerdy. His voice stern, but not mean.

Eric’s eyes found mine in question. He wanted to know how I wanted him to proceed. I was almost positive I offered him no answer besides looking like a deer caught in the headlights. He carried on.

“Raphael, we are here tonight for an issue dealing with the Memory Keepers and—”

“What about them?”

“Besides the fact that we have been cruel to them? We have left them to flounder due to our lack of understanding of Human emotions.”

“And now you have a better understanding?” the Angel Raphael interrupted.

“Ectain has been keeping rather odd company as of late, Raphael,” Valience interjected while glaring at me smugly.

My normal reply would have been a quick and snide one. However, this was not normal. I was in Heaven, surrounded by Angels, and I was scared! So I allowed my expression to show my true feelings.

I wanted to believe I saw him soften. But just because I wanted to see didn’t mean they did. He regarded me with the same unyielding ice-blue stare as always. I wanted to shrink back. Shikemi’s arm tightened around me, letting his calm settle down over me.

“Thanks, Valience, you’re always free with the compliments aren’t you.” I decided against the taunting pet names that I often called him.

“Mayne, it’s best if you don’t speak amongst your betters.” He spoke in the condescending tone he reserved just for me.

Asshole.

Dhylaka raised her thin dark brow at me and smirked.

Oh crap!
I thought with a cringe, they heard that.

Eric stepped forward. “No, it’s best you not speak to her if you cannot show proper respect. And I have warned you of this before, so this is your last.” The air chilled at his words.

Lucifer laughed. “Why don’t we let the woman speak for herself before we say who the better of us is?” He turned to me. “Why are we here, Mayne-kin?” Lucifer asked. Marking me as one of his.

All eyes turned to me. I so badly wanted to disappear, to dart behind Shikemi and cower. Now I wished Eric had succeeded in talking me out of this, but I held my ground and squared my shoulders.

Eric’s eyes were bright honey, no longer black. Pure affection showed in them, which was probably very dangerous for him considering we were here amongst his allies and foes alike.

“We are here because it is past time for a change.” My voice grew clear and strong. To be honest, I was damn proud of myself as well as shocked.

“What kind of change?” Raphael sounded skeptical.

“Change for the Memory Keepers.”

“Impossible. We need them. Besides, what is it to you so much that you would interfere in Celestial affairs?”

Be calm, Mayne. Your snark has no place in Heaven
, I reminded myself, even though this Angel was starting to piss me off. I wonder if all Angels had a huge ‘I am better than you, human’ chip on their shoulders. So far, Eric was the only one I had come across who seemed normal.

I took a breath to smooth my edges. “I think it is more my affairs than yours.” I paused before quickly adding, “Sir, um, is that right? Sir?” Even though I was pissed, I didn’t want to be disrespectful.

Finally, the Angel known as Raphael seemed almost to smile at me. He nodded. “You may call me Sir if you would like, but Raphael is perfectly fine.”

“Oh. Okay, sorry, Sir.” I cringed slightly and apologized again. “Sorry, I mean Raphael, Sir.” I couldn’t do it. Raphael just seemed too casual for me. I shook my head.
Just shut up, Mayne
. But, of course, I didn’t.

“What I mean, Sir, is that Memory Keepers are my business. It’s no surprise to any of you that I am one.”

Murmurs erupted around me, interrupting what I was to say next. A dozen of whispered conversations went on around me as dozens of eyes observed me with deeper interest. So I guess it was a surprise to them that I was a Keeper. Raphael was the first to speak.

“Ectain did not tell us this fact.” He glared at Eric who just shrugged. The shrug looked so much like a human gesture that it seemed out of place here.