Deception (12 page)

“Feel better?” Jake asks while passing me a water bottle. I unscrew the top and take greedy gulps, finishing it off in one go.

“Not particularly.” I wipe the sweat off my face with the bottom of my shirt and look back at him. He’s not forcing me to explain, but he knows something is wrong. I don’t show aggression very often. All problems in relation to what I went through in my youth, seem so small in comparison that they’ve never been worth getting angry about. Until now.

I’m not a big talker, but he needs to know we have a couple of new housemates before they arrive. “I met someone.”

His brow furrows in confusion. “All you do is run, sleep and work. Where in your days, did you find the time to get a girlfriend, and since when do you even want one?”

“It’s not like that, she’s just a friend. Well kind of, I only met her, a few of weeks ago.” There’s no way to phrase this to Jake without sounding like a total head case. How do I explain the connection I feel to her, in such a short amount of time? I barely understand it. I feel like I know her, I guess it’s the similarities in our lives. The crappy cards we’ve both been dealt. A hand I’ve never shown to Jake. He’s aware of the fire, but not the circumstances of my life before that. I have always kept that hidden. I never even confessed the real reasons behind my drug abuse to Jake, my shrink or anyone.

“Okay, so what did she do to piss you off so bad?” He asks, taking a drink from his own water bottle.

“It wasn't anything she did, more like her husband,” I confess, causing Jake to choke on the mouthful of drink he just took.

He quickly gains composure and narrows his eyes at me. “What the fuck possessed you to make friends with a married chick?”

If I’m being honest with myself I was sick of all the hook-ups, but I don’t want to admit that to him. Something about her drew her to me. Before I even knew what a dipshit her husband is, I couldn't stay away.

“Are you fucking her? Is her husband trying to give you a beat down? Should I be careful when I open the door?” He glances between me and the direction of the front entrance, as if the guy is going to come barrelling through at any moment.

“No, but I’m tempted to beat him senseless. He’s an abusive son of a bitch.”

Jake’s hands clench into fists at his sides, for as much smack as he talks about women, he isn't an asshole. He’s a stand-up guy, who’d be willing to help out a stranger in need.

I cut to the chase, “She’s moving in with us.”

“Good.” I knew Jake would be okay with me helping her out, and if he wasn’t, too bad. I own the house after all. I bought it with the life insurance my parents had.

“And her son,” I add.

Jake’s eyes go wide, but he doesn’t complain about a kid potentially running amuck through our house and changing our lifestyle. He’s more concerned about my sanity at this stage. “Wow, you sure you aren’t getting in over your head here? This is an awful lot to take on. Are you keen on her?”

“She’s drop dead gorgeous, but you know I don’t do relationships. She’s just a new friend in need. I’m helping her get back on her feet. That’s all. The last thing she wants is a fuck-buddy, when she’s got a kid and coming out of a disastrous marriage.” Only, I’m trying to convince myself all these things, just as much as him.

My phone rings and guessing it’s probably Roxi asking for directions, I practically jump over the back of the couch to get to it.

“If you say so buddy,” Jake laughs, as I glimpse at the screen and see Dex’s name.

Maybe I am in over my head, because I’ve sure as hell never been disappointed at not getting a call from a chick before.

“The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep.”  - Henry Maudsley

Roxi

A
fter confiding in Luke, I felt some of the weight of my problems lift off my shoulders. I felt stronger, more capable, like I could actually pull off starting a new life. I wanted to fill my best friend in on what I was about to do. I didn’t feel like I needed her by my side, but I wanted her there. I never want to have to mislead her again. So I did something I almost never do, I called her and invited her over for coffee.

“So this is what your place looks like. It’s stunning.” Rachel looks around the room, taking it all in. The designer lounge suite, which is immensely uncomfortable but incredibly beautiful, top notch entertainment system, with a TV so big it covers most of the wall. Photos, where we all pose stiff and fake, false smiles plastered on our faces. She’s right, it’s absolutely stunning. Like a show room, with no warmth. I’d love to tack some of Ricky’s drawings on the wall, or leave my magazines all over the coffee table, anything to make the place more homely. Joseph would just criticize it was messy, though.

We’ve been friends a long time now, twelve years in fact. I’ve been in this particular house for six of those years and never once has Rachel seen it. I was always too worried she’d figure out what a fraud I was. That she’d see right through my perfect façade and know something was wrong. I’d always avoided bringing her anywhere near Joseph. Even if he was out, he could still come home at any moment. And if Rachel ever saw how he spoke to me now days, she wouldn’t be fooled in the slightest that I was happy with him.

“Thanks. You want a coffee?” Getting up, I put a pod in the machine, already knowing how she likes it.

I glance over my shoulder to see her walking towards me. “I’m taking that you didn’t invite me here to talk about your décor? Or about how well the cushions on the recliner match the colour pallet on the walls?”

As I reach for the coffee mugs, my hands slightly tremor at her implication, but she smiles warmly, weakening my resolve. She’s my friend. When others left she never did. She’s only ever shown me patience and understanding, and waited endless amounts of time until I was ready to come to her with my problems.

“They do complement each other perfectly.” I laugh to ease the tension I feel. Only it sounds a little wobbly. “Who am I kidding, it looks bloody terrible.” I burst into tears and it has nothing to do with what my house looks like.

“Oh honey.” Rachel rushes to my side and pulls me into a hug. My tears soak her shirt sleeve, but she stays right where she is until my eyes have run dry, which takes a while. Even then, silent sobs continue to rack my body, as I shake against her. Years of pent up loneliness and keeping everything hidden inside, is being released.

Rachel runs one hand through my hair and moves the other on my back in small circles. There’s no pressure to explain myself, just comfort. Complete solace. It’s easier to get the words out if I don’t look at her. I don’t want to see the shock register in her eyes, or the hurt that I didn’t trust her for support earlier. I keep my face against her shoulder as I speak. “I’m leaving Joseph.” It scares the crap out of me, but it’s exhilarating at the same time. As though saying the words out aloud makes me stronger, it takes me one-step closer to actually doing them. I breathe in deeply and revel in my admission. I can do this. The more I talk about it, the more I believe.

“I’m glad,” she states simply.

That’s all she has to say? I just delivered some earth shattering news. Where is the astonishment? The disbelief I was sure that was coming?

I pull back to look at her, more than a little confused. “Don’t you want to know why?”

“I already know why. Don’t think I haven’t realised how miserable you’ve been, Rox, it’s been killing me. I can’t even remember the last time your smile reached your eyes. The way your voice used to get all shrill when you were so excited and high on life, you could hardly contain it. That never happens anymore. He’s been slowly draining that old Roxi sparkle.”

She leads me back over to the couch where we sit down and forget about making our hot drinks. We both know she was never here for the coffee anyway. It’s just an excuse for a catch up or a chat. A social norm you fall into as you get older. Only this talk isn’t the norm by any means, and I don’t feel as though I’m getting older, I feel young and lost. Especially now that I’m going to have to start all over again. I know I can do it, but that doesn’t change how scary the prospect is.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me before now?” I question.

“You can’t help someone if they don’t want to help themselves. I didn’t want to push you before you were ready, for you to avoid me more than you already do. At least this way I could keep an eye on you.” And I know she’s right. Up until recently, I would have kept making excuses, or lied about how fabulous my life is. Or simply avoided her with one of my many, standard excuses.

It sounds ludicrous to divulge how grateful I am that she was secretly watching out for me when I thought I was all alone, so I express my gratitude by leaning over and hugging her tight.

She hisses in a breath through her teeth. At first I think my embrace is a bit enthusiastic, so I loosen my grip, but then she sweeps my hair over my shoulder and I feel her eyes on my neck, on my bruises. “Please tell me what I can do to help you get away from him. Is there anything you need? A place to stay? You know our house is small but we can make room for you. It might only be a mattress on the living room floor, but we can make it work.”

I pull away and shake my head, thinking about the information Luke disclosed earlier. He identifies with what I’m going through. I’m not sure to what degree, but he has experienced something similar. Not only did he hint at it, but I can see it. In the way his brow furrows when things get serious, as though he’s deep in thought. His eyes become distant. It shows in his smile, which is only ever a quirk of the lips, never quite stretching fully across his face. The discipline he shows while exercising, how he works himself to exhaustion, trying to forget something. When he jogs, he is running away from something, but what I don’t know. He’s broken, just like me. A kindred spirit. We could potentially drag each other down further, but I have a feeling we could keep each other afloat. He gets me, without even speaking. “I have somewhere to go. Your place is already small enough as it is, and there is no way I want to crowd you guys if I don’t have to.”

“Okay, but if you need me, I don’t want you to hold back anymore. You call me anytime, day or night, and I will be there for you.”

I couldn’t ask for a better friend. She will support me always, no questions asked. I’m looking forward to getting our relationship back on track, to being as close as we once were. To going to the footy and being able to cheer loudly, drink beer and eat fatty foods without Joseph’s snide comments. To being free. Most of all, I’m over the moon that Ricky will get to act like a child without having to worry about the repercussions of upsetting his father.

“I promise I’ll fill you in on more of the details when I’m not so overwhelmed. I’m sorry I kept it from you, Rach.” I see a girl’s night of junk food and chick flicks in our future, and best of all, I won’t have to beg for permission.

“Stop,” she commands holding up her hand. “No more feeling guilty. That man has manipulated your emotions for far too long. Don’t ever be sorry about your actions or how you feel again, just be you.”

But who am I? I don’t even know anymore, it’s daunting. I despise that Joseph took that away from me and I intend to find out.

“When are you leaving?” she asks, as I pull my legs up and cross them in front of me on the couch.

“After I get Ricky from school I’m going to pack and get out of here before Joseph gets home.” I anxiously tap my knees, nervously thinking through everything I have to do before we go to Luke’s. I can’t believe this is my life. That I’m sitting here contemplating my safety, when it comes to my own husband.

“How about if Mark and I come over later, help you get out of here and moved in where ever you’re going?” Rachel places her hands on top of mine, stopping my edgy movements.

I nod my head, unable to form words. I’m starting to feel disconnected from my life, my body. This all just seems so crazy. I need some time to myself, to process the whirlwind of emotion that refuses to settle. This is probably the last time for a while I will get the chance to have my own space.

Tears sting in the corner of my eyes and a lump is forming in my throat, I swallow it down. “Thanks Rach, your support means the world to me.”

She squeezes my hands and I smile up at her. “Do you think you could be back here about 7:30? Joseph won’t get home till about 8:30, so that gives me plenty of time. I want to bring Ricky home from school like normal, and explain to him here, in familiar surroundings, what’s going to happen. I don’t want to rush things and panic him.”

I inhale deeply, trying to calm myself, and then exhale, some of the weight lifting off my chest with the breath.

“Sure Rox, anything you need. Are you going to be okay until I get back? I’ll pick up Lachy and let Mark know what’s going on, then be here by 7:30.” She lets go of my hands and makes a move to stand up.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” I’m assuring myself as much as her. “I’ll see you at 7:30, all packed and ready to go.” I smile weakly, trying to show her that I can do this.

“Okay, Hun. Call if you need me before then.” She gives me a hug before I see her out the door. I lean against the frame for support, as I watch her drive away.

My phone rings and expecting to see Joseph’s name on the screen, my heart starts to pound. I don’t know how well I can pretend that everything’s normal if I talk to him. I’m terrified he’ll see right through me. The beats slow when I discover it’s Luke.

“Hey,” I answer, a little flustered.

“Hey. Are you okay?” he asks.

I place my hand over my chest, willing my heart rate to go back to normal. “Yeah. I forgot that I gave you my number earlier. I thought it was Joseph calling, I got a bit freaked out.”

“Sorry. I was just calling to see what time to expect you. I’m meant to work tonight, but I can call in and say I need the night off, if you need me to?” he questions.

I start to answer but he cuts me off, “No forget that, of course I should take the night off.”

I don’t want to put him out more than I already have, I feel bad he’s working his schedule around me. “No, you go to work, we’ll be fine. My friend and her husband are coming over later to help me move and to be honest, Ricky will probably be more relaxed about everything if I introduce him to all these changes slowly. It might help if no one is home when we first get there.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth I worry that I’ve been rude. “Sorry, that didn’t come out right. Of course you are welcome in your own home, I just meant...”