Authors: Evie Rose
A tight grip forms around my neck, cutting off my airway. “Hold still and shut the hell up, I’m trying to enjoy myself here.”
I lay motionless, unable to move. Sheer terror locks me into place and makes me too frightened to fight back. He forcefully shoves himself inside me and I bite down hard on my lip to prevent myself from crying out in pain. He may have made the outside of my body wet without my permission, but my channel is dry, not welcoming the intrusion in the slightest.
With his hand tight around my throat, I try to suck in a breath, but to no avail. I feel faint as darkness cloaks me, dragging me into unconsciousness.
“Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.” - Sylvia Love
Luke
T
houghts of Roxi occupied my mind all throughout my shift last night. Just how badly does her husband treat her? No wonder she mentioned feeling unwanted. I’m kicking myself for not getting his number plate. I could have gotten one of my mates in the police force to run a check on him. I should have.
It was a long night to say the least, but I still want to go for a run and check that Roxi is okay, check that the guy who picked her up, didn’t get any more aggressive with her than the nasty words that came out of his mouth.
When I get to the place I usually meet Roxi, there is no sign of her. I slow my pace right down, hoping she’s just running behind today. Hope that the sinking feeling in my stomach is wrong. That she’s not being mistreated.
At the end of the street, I still don’t see her, so I stop and stretch. For thirty minutes, I must be fucking crazy. This is beyond a hero complex and heading into stalker territory. I shake my head at myself and take off for home. I’m probably just jumping to conclusions. She doesn’t always run on the weekends. She’s probably just taking a day off and completely fine.
I’m not even through the door, when I hear screams of ecstasy coming from Jake’s room. This isn’t unusual, but what is bizarre is the fact he is calling his screw by name. It’s Sarah apparently. Typically its ‘baby’, ‘hot stuff’, or ‘oh yeah, give it to me, you sexy piece of ass!’ I know, charming right? Like I’ve said before, how he pulls it off is completely beyond me.
The moaning and groaning still reaches my ears through the pillow I have shoved over my head. Jake is like the Energizer bunny – he keeps going and going – and my ears are bleeding. My eyes are heavy though, and eventually I fall asleep.
“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.” -Christopher Reeve
Roxi
W
hen I next open my eyes, the sun is shining and the spot beside me on the bed is empty. Reluctant to rise and leave the sweet oblivion that sleep brings, I get up, dragging myself into the bathroom to scrub the disgusting residue that remains between my legs away.
Dark purple bruises on the back of my neck, catch my eye in the mirror and I wince as I trace my fingers over the tender skin. I’m almost glad they’re there, because now I’ve got proof, well one thing that might work against Joseph anyway. I’m still worried he’ll deny hurting me, that no one will believe me. It’s not like he would ever admit it. Maybe I should get more evidence before I do something. Being this unsure of everything kills me. I used to be so confident. I hate what he’s done to me, hate that I have allowed it, because I’m so afraid of him.
I allow silent tears to cascade down my face while I shower, not wanting the howling sobs that would better cleanse my soul to wake up Ricky and cause him distress. It would probably be beneficial to let Joseph hear how he’s destroying me, but the noise most likely wouldn’t make it through his office door and past the headphones that are always blaring into his ears. Even if it did, I doubt he would care. Hopefully, he will lock himself in there until it’s time to get ready for our guests.
The water isn’t too bad this morning. Not exactly warm, but not freezing either. I turn off the spray so that Ricky is able to endure a quick wash as well. Wanting to dress hastily, while I still have a little privacy in the bedroom, I dry off and think about what to wear. Casual for the day and leave the dressing up part until the last minute.
When I walk into the bedroom, Joseph is leering at me from the bed and I wrap my towel around me tighter while I search for an outfit.
“So, Ricky’s still asleep.” I cringe at his suggestive tone. At the way he is acting, as though nothing terrible happened last night. As if he didn’t shatter my world.
Does he actually think I would want to have sex with the person who molested me while I was unconscious? Is he crazy?
I actually think he may have developed some kind of mental health problem. He’s not the man I married. I don’t understand how we got to this stage. I remember when he took on more hours at work, after we had Ricky. He slowly started to snap at me more. At first, I was shocked, then I tried to rationalize that it was because he was under a lot of stress. I reasoned that things would get better.
If friends or family ever saw any odd behaviour, which wasn’t very often, I made excuses for him. I’m not sure if I was trying to fool them or myself, probably both. His accusations and actions caused me severe embarrassment. I wanted to hide it from the world. I wanted to cover it all up. He never had to ask me to do so. If they ever heard all the vile things he said, I was convinced they would believe it.
Things started to slowly worsen and for a while, I deluded myself into thinking I could fix it. By the time I realised I couldn’t, I was trapped in a situation that I have no idea how to handle.
I wonder what people would say if I told them, my husband raped me last night. I can imagine their reply, ‘
How could a husband rape his wife?’ ‘You’re married. Sex is part of that relationship.’
Or maybe, ‘
That is ridiculous, he’s such a sweet man, maybe he just misunderstood your unwillingness
.’
I turn my back on him without answering. My voice isn’t strong enough to come out anyway. I walk on shaky legs to the closet in a rush to find some clothes. My carefully planned outfit choices for the day go out the window as I reach for the first thing I can find, my Nirvana tee and a pair of jeans.
I’m obviously not fast enough though, as I feel Joseph’s hot breath down my neck. His fingers trace around the top of the towel, trying to loosen it, and his eagerness presses up against my backside. I inch forward, creeping away from his touch, but he follows and leans back in. He urges me with that sickly sweet tone, “No need to get dressed yet, baby.”
I have a death grip to hold the protective barrier wrapped around me in place. “I’m a little sore,” I manage to choke out.
“I must be a bit of a stud then, hey?” He places chaste kisses along my shoulder blades. His lips hold no warmth. Instead they shoot cold fear through me. I can’t fathom how or why he is pleased with himself that he hurt me.
Wouldn’t it do better things for his pride, if he caused me great pleasure instead of pain? What did I do to deserve treatment like this?
Ricky’s sweet little voice floats through the door, “Mummy, I’m hungry.” While Joseph is distracted, I step away.
“I’ll be right there Ricky, just a second.” My voice wobbles and I will my feet to move further away from Joseph.
“There are locks on the door you know, Roxi. I’m sure it won’t kill him to wait a few minutes. I’m a stud remember, it won’t take me long.”
How could I forget? So not a funny joke. He’s sick and twisted in the head.
Things have spiralled to worse than what I ever thought possible. I need to figure out a plan. Where can I go? I have nowhere. Rachel and Mark have financial strain and a son to look after. Plus their house is the size of a shoebox, there’s no way I could impose on them.
Both my parents passed away before Ricky was born. They are probably looking down on all this in horror. I can just imagine my mumma pleading with God himself, to smite Joseph. To send him to jail and have someone rip off his nuts. She was always my biggest champion. I need to do the same for Ricky. However first, I need concrete evidence that backs up what an unfit father Joseph is, so when we leave, we never have to see the man again.
“No.” My voice comes out firm, as anger starts to seep into my thoughts at the sheer helplessness of my situation. I ignore him sulking behind me and grab a bra and panties, moving back to the bathroom to change, not wanting him to see even an inch more of skin than is already revealed to him.
By some small miracle, I manage to convince him that it’s a good idea to take Ricky out for the day, on my own. He may be a manipulator, but he’s not always a smart man. If I cause him to think he’s making the decision, I can usually sway him. By mentioning I’m worried about the mess Ricky will make before our guests arrive, it’s easy to get him to agree to let me take Ricky out. I also suggest he should stay home and relax on the computer, in the peace and quiet, after a hard week at work. Thankfully, he readily approves.
On the rare occasions that I get to go out without Joseph, whether it’s with or without Ricky, I sometimes like to make believe that I’m someone else. Lead a different life just for a day. For example, today we’re going to the beach. We don’t have to be Ricky and Roxi, depressed and suffocated by a hellish lifestyle. Today we can be whomever we want to be, no one knows us. Our life can be great, if only for one day.
Maybe I could be a successful business owner, spending a weekend away with my family. My hubby is back at the hotel running a bath for me; while my son and I have a quick swim at the beach. He could even put rose petals in the water, and while I enjoy relaxing, he could take our son back out and build sandcastles on the shoreline, and actually have fun. Or maybe not, but you can see what I mean, why I like to pretend. Go to a happy place even if it isn’t real, it’s a great escape. I can just enjoy the break and forget the crap I left behind.
“Hey Ricky, guess what?” He looks up at me curiously, and my stomach flutters in anticipation at the news I’m about to deliver. I swear I get more excited than he does, when I give him something.
“What?” My enthusiasm radiates from me to him, and before he even knows it, he’s bouncing on the balls of his feet and can hardly contain himself.
“We’re going to the beach for the day, just you and me kiddo.”
“Yes!” He’s full on jumping up and down now, and my eyes sting with unshed happy tears at the small amount of joy I am able to bring to his life. It doesn’t take much effort to please him. Children love the simple things in life. So why is it so hard for Joseph to deliver them?
“Come on, let’s get a move on.” Ricky’s only too happy to oblige and we have our beach bag packed and breakfast done in a flash. I don’t bother saying goodbye to Joseph. He probably wouldn’t hear if I called out and I never go in his office when he’s in there. If I absolutely have to, I knock extremely loud until he tells me to enter. I’m too scared of what I would walk in on otherwise, most likely him decorating the room in a disgusting gooey white mess.
In the car on the way there, we turn the music up and sing at the top of our lungs. I change the words to incorporate Ricky and my names, and he laughs in glee.
“You’re a good singer, Mummy.” Only he would say that, and I love him for it. Nevertheless, I know I’m terrible. He worships me, regardless of all my faults and it makes me want to achieve a better life for him even more. I’ll work it out, I’m determined. I just have to be smart about it. Maybe I can look up what people in similar situations have done online. I have to start somewhere, and soon. After last night, I can’t keep wishing all the bad stuff will magically disappear, I have to take action.
*****
S
tepping out onto the sand is glorious. I wiggle my toes in the warmth and let the salty air soak into my skin. I breathe in deeply, and the atmosphere all around helps to cleanse my soul. Ricky squeals in delight as he jumps the waves in the shallows and that helps to heal my broken heart. I wish I could stay here forever. It’s more than my happy place, it’s my life saver. It makes me see how much beauty is out in the world. Makes me see the point, why life’s worth living.
We wade in deep and I hold my arm under Ricky so we are both floating over the swells.
“Mummy can we stay here? Why do we have to go home and be sad? I want to stay here and have fun, see you smile.” He both breaks my heart and fills it back up again.
“We can’t stay here forever, we aren’t mermaids. We need the land,” I joke. How do I tell a five year old, we have to endure our tough life a little longer while, I work things out? That when we do leave, I want it to be permanent, so we don’t have to crawl back for money and shelter? I tease, “I’m awfully fond of sushi though, and there’s plenty of raw fish in the sea. So maybe we can drift a little longer.”
“You’re so silly,” he giggles. “I don’t like fish and we don’t have tails, we better go back to the sand.”
We go back in and I build a mermaid tail around his legs in the sand. Hundreds of people mill around the beach, everyone I’m sure with their own problems. Ours become smaller while we are one of the many, almost forgotten for now. By the time we make it home, I’m revived enough to cope with visitors for the night. To don the mask I wear most of the time, even if it slowly is getting more and more cracks in it. I will have to hope it holds up my disguise for just a bit longer.
*****
T
anya and Alex arrive about an hour after Ricky and I get home from the beach. I’m glad it’s them and not any of Joseph’s other friends. Alex is a bit of a dick, but not nearly as arrogant and pig-headed as some of Joseph’s other friends, and Tanya and I actually get along pretty well. I enjoy her company for the most part, however, she can be a little wild and test the guy’s limits when we all hang out, but she is a lot of fun.
Ricky sits on the couch playing with his iPad and Alex and Joseph start up the barbeque while Tanya and I catch up. “I’m in the mood for some dancing,” she says with a wiggle of her hips. “Let’s put some tunes on and pop a bottle of wine while the men tend to the barbeque.” Tanya makes herself at home and loads her iPod onto the dock. She’s only been here a couple of times, but she’s just that type of girl, relaxed anywhere in any situation.