Deep Redemption (Hades Hangmen Book 4) (24 page)

But Mae whispered, “The ceremonial joining.” Her blue eyes widened.

“Yes,” I confessed. My hands shook. “I vowed myself to him . . . and he . . . ”

“Was he kind to you?” Lilah asked, concern thick in her tone. “Was he gentle, when he . . . ?”

“Yes,” I said and couldn’t stop a smile creeping onto my lips. “He was perfect.”

“He was pure when I knew him,” Mae told me. “He was saving himself for the Cursed marriage. He told me he never took part in a Lord’s Sharing. He had never had a woman.”

“He still had never.” I swallowed the lump of sadness in my throat. “He was pure. He . . . he has only been with me. I was it for him. And in every way that counts, he was it for me too.” I expelled a mirthless laugh. “I gifted him my trust and heart. I never thought I would ever be able to do that with anyone. But I did with him . . . and now I discover he was not the man I believed him to be.”

I stood and walked to the large window in the kitchen. It was black outside but for a few distant lights. I folded my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling cold.

“I am not so sure you are right,” Mae said.

I tensed, then looked at my sister, still seated at the table. Mae nervously glanced to my other two sisters and shifted on her chair. “Our husbands are blinded by their hatred of him for what he did to them. For what he allowed to happen to us, especially Lilah. But . . . ” She took a breath and continued, “In my heart I do not think he is a bad man. I have thought about this often, Bella. Rider was a good friend to me, and I believe that friendship was sincere, even though his later actions made it appear otherwise. For a time, I feared he was lost to the faith, but when he let us go, I saw the light within him shine through.” Mae sighed. “And today I saw that he had fully returned.
Rider
. Not Cain, but the man he was away from The Order. He brought you back to us. A bad man could not,
would not
, have done that.”

I let her words sink in. I tasted my falling tears on my lips. “I am so confused,” I admitted. “Too much has happened. I . . . I do not know what to think anymore . . . I . . . I . . . ”

The front door opened, and my heart fell when Mae’s love walked through. In the light, I saw him up close for the first time. He was tall and broad, with searching hazel eyes. His skin was covered with colored ink markings. He was terrifying to look at.

As if feeling my stare, he looked over at me, and I could feel him assessing me too. He shook his head in disbelief.

Mae went to his side. Despite our presence, Styx pulled her in for a heated kiss. I blushed at the sight. I knew then that this man was powerful. He took what he wanted, whenever he wanted it.

When he broke the kiss, he lifted his hands and communicated something to Mae. I saw my sister pale.

“No,” she said in shock. Styx stood stoic in response.

“What?” I asked.

“Can I tell her?” Mae asked. He nodded. Styx kept his eyes on me as Mae spoke. “Rider has informed Styx that The Order plan to attack us.”

My heart raced as I remembered the gun practice, the prophet arming our people for the end of days, the sermons of hate. “Yes,” I said. “Judah is preparing them for the end.”

Mae looked down at the floor. “So the Hangmen are going in first.” She paused, then added, “The Hangmen and Rider.”

White-hot fear surged through my veins. “No,” I whispered. “He will kill Rider. Judah, his twin . . . he will kill him.”

Styx shrugged, the action igniting a fire inside me. Without conscious thought I found myself rushing forward to where he stood. “Bella,” Mae called, reaching out for my arm. I wrenched it away from her touch.

Styx raised his eyebrow at me, crossing his arms over his chest. It only served to infuriate me more. “You have no idea,” I said, trying my hardest to control my overwrought emotions. “You have no idea what Judah has been doing to Rider for weeks and weeks. He has hurt him in every way possible. He cast him aside, severing any fraternal bond they might have once shared. And it broke Rider’s heart. His only family, the only person he has ever loved, tossed him aside because he tried to do the right thing.” My legs shook with anger, but I did not back down. “Rider killed a man when he finally witnessed a Lord’s Sharing. He went against all that he has ever known to stop what he just knew was wrong. He was the prophet, yet he stopped one of The Order’s most important practices. Do you know what that was like for him? No, you could not, because you did not live in that place. But
I
did.
WE
did!” Mae tried to reach for me again, but I faced her and shouted, “NO!”

Mae stepped back, and I turned to face Styx once more. “He risked everything to save me. I do not know how he did it, but he switched places with his brother to save me from being taken by him. He turned on his flesh and blood to save me and return me to my sisters. And now you send him back into their arms . . . they will kill him.”

I waited for Styx to speak, to say something. But all he did was run his tongue along his bottom lip and shrug. I reared back in shock. I looked at my sisters. Lilah and Maddie had their heads bowed, and Mae . . . Mae rocked on her feet, yet she said nothing.

“What kind of people are you?” I asked, feeling ice trickle down my spine.

Mae’s lover used his hands to communicate with her again. Mae paled further and shook her head. He worked his hands more insistently, and this time, Mae looked at me and said, “Styx wants me to tell you . . . tell you that you do not know Rider like you think you do. And that now you are here with us, you have no place with him. Rider will never be welcome here. Ever.”

I laughed. I laughed and laughed as I shook my head in disbelief. “Bella,” Mae said. She was upset by this sudden tension between her love and me, I could see it.

“No,” I said softly. “I just . . . I just need to sleep. I need to be alone.”

“We just got you back,” Maddie said, and my heart almost broke for my timid little sister.

“I know, sister,” I said. “But I cannot take all of this in. I am struggling to see how this life is different.” I met eyes with Styx again. “To me it appears that you have simply exchanged one controlling environment for another. I am worried that you are not free here at all. You have simply been given a greater cage in which to roam.”

My words were like a trigger to Mae’s lover. His face reddened with barely suppressed rage. Mae took hold of his arm and made him face her. She put her hands on his cheeks, and he closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. Her touch seemed to calm the man down.

“Maddie,” Mae said. “Please show Bella your old room. She can rest there.”

Maddie took my hand. I let her lead me away, up wooden stairs to a bedroom. Maddie hovered by the door as I walked to the bed and sat down. I let my eyes drift around the pretty furnishings, then out of the large window that overlooked a grass verge.

“Bella,” Maddie finally said. I looked at my sister. Her head was down and her hands were clasped in front of her. “I just . . . I just want you to be happy.”

My heart shattered at her words, because I knew that she meant it. Maddie had the kindest heart I had ever known.

“I know you do.”

Movement from the window caught my eye, and I saw a large dark figure emerge from the trees. My stomach flipped. He was the most terrifying man I had ever seen. “Someone is coming,” I announced. Maddie sighed.

“That will be Flame. He never leaves me for long.”

“That is your husband?”

Maddie nodded, and I saw her happiness light her from inside. “Yes. He is the one I love. He is the other half of my soul.”

Flame stopped below the window and stared up at me. He looked to my side, and his lip curled into the beginnings of a smile. Maddie. Maddie had moved beside me.

My sister pressed a kiss to my cheek and walked toward the door. I dropped my head, feeling an ache begin to throb behind my eyes.

“Bella?”

“Yes?”

“I do not know much about matters of the heart. But I know what it is like to harbor feelings for a man people greatly disapprove of. Who people regard as wrong, unsalvageable or sinful.” Maddie blushed. “But I also know what it is like when you are in their arms. In their hearts. It is different. You can
make
them different . . . you can show them that they too can be saved, even when they believe they are a lost cause.” Maddie looked me directly in the eyes. “I know what Rider has done is bad. And I can see how much of a toll all this has been on you. But . . . but I do not believe he is evil. He may be lost, confused . . . but I believe he can be saved. You, Bella. You can save him. You have that ability.”

“MADDIE!” I jumped as a loud roar of my sister’s name came from below the window.

Maddie smiled. “I must go.”

Maddie disappeared out of sight. I realized that gone was my timid little broken girl. In her place was a grown and strong woman. One that had just shaken my world.

Bella

I lay down on the bed and tried to close my eyes. The hours ticked by. I tried to find sleep, but it did not come. All I could think of was Rider. I needed to speak to him. I needed to hear all this from him.

The bedroom door creaked open. In the moonlight, I saw Mae enter the room. I sat up as she padded silently to my bed. Without speaking, she handed me a key. I frowned as I took it from her hand.

Checking no one was behind her, Mae whispered, “Go out the door, walk directly through the trees, then take a right. He is in the old barn.”

“Mae,” I said almost silently.

Leaning forward, Mae kissed my forehead and helped me from the bed. She handed me a long black sleeveless dress, and I removed my white wedding garment and pulled it on. I slipped my feet into the sandals I had been wearing when I wed Rider. I followed her down the stairs and out of the house.

Turning, I met Mae’s eyes and mouthed, “
Thank you
.”

Mae smiled and shut the door. I cast my eyes over the darkness surrounding me. I swallowed the unease I felt at being in such a strange, unknown place and rushed to follow the directions Mae had given me, gripping tightly to the key in my hands.

I had to get to him.

My hurried steps were accompanied by the sound of night owls hooting and unseen crickets chirping. My breathing came fast and hard as I cut through the dense gathering of leaves. I turned right and stopped dead when I saw an old wooden barn. A dim light came from the cracks between the wood, and I knew that just beyond the door was Rider.

I crept forward. I opened the door with the key Mae had given me and slipped inside, sealing myself in.

Then I turned around . . . and the scene I was met with obliterated whatever was left of my broken heart. Rider was in the center of the room, dirtied by the floor and secured by rusty shackles, long chains coming from the cuffs on his wrists. He was lying down on the dirty ground, his body radiating utter defeat . . . and I felt my soul cry out in sympathy.

Once again he was the prisoner. I realized then that no matter where Rider went, here or the commune, he was always alone. Would always be alone.

He was an eternal outcast. Never belonging in either world that he had walked in.

The pain of that realization robbed me of my breath.

Forcing my feet to move, I silently made my way over to the center of the barn, a single dim, bare bulb spotlighting the man I had given all of myself to. And no matter what I had been told since I had arrived in this strange place, I simply could not believe he was evil. Even though all the evidence pointed that way, I could not make my head nor my heart agree.

He must have sensed my presence, because as I stared down at him, trying my very best to muster the courage to speak, he opened his eyes and looked directly at me. The minute his tired red eyes found mine, an expression of agony settled on his beautiful face. He turned away from me then. I knew it was in shame.

My feet moved closer to him, one step then two, then I lowered myself beside him. I was far enough away that he could not reach me. But from where I sat I could see him clearly. I could see his face with crystal clarity. I had to—I needed to—know the truth.

All of it. Nothing hidden. Everything bared.

I folded my arms over my bent legs and waited for him to face me again. When he did I almost crumbled. Hot tears flooded his eyes and lonely teardrops tracked down his colorless cheeks. A fresh bruise was on his forehead; recent wounds peppered his skin.

He was beaten everywhere he went. Yet he took it all.

He dragged in a long breath and whispered, “Harmony . . . you shouldn’t be here.”

“Bella,” I corrected.

“Bella,” he said softly, almost reverently. “You need to go. Just . . . leave me alone.”

I was not going anywhere.

“You are in love with Mae,” I blurted. Rider’s eyes widened. I had shocked him. I had shocked myself. I had so many questions, yet that was the first my unconscious mind decided to ask. I realized then just how much it had bothered me. Just how much pain the thought brought to my heart.

“No,” Rider finally replied.

“You lie,” I accused. “I have been told everything. Everything you have done. Everything your brother has done . . . how you fought to win Mae’s love.”

Rider’s already pale cheeks turned ashen. The shackles that held him captive rattled as he pushed himself to a sitting position. He faced me. Stared directly into my eyes.

His shoulders slumped. “I thought I loved her. When I was chosen by my uncle to infiltrate these men, I was so out of my element. But I believed in the cause. Bella . . . I believed in our faith so hard I didn’t dispute a single thing I’d been taught in The Pasture.” He shook his head and ran his hand down his face. “When Mae arrived, bleeding out and dying, I figured out who she was pretty quick.” He pointed to the inscription on my wrist. I ran my fingers over the ink that had been forced upon me as a child. “I knew I had to gain her trust to return her to my uncle. And she was the only female I had ever really spoken to. I . . . I think that I wanted her because she was from The Order. I thought that she was just under the influence of the devil.”

He expelled a self-deprecating laugh. “Fucked-up, right? I truly thought that I had to help her soul. I honestly believed I was in love with her, that she was meant for me, and that I could save her. When I ascended, it was my biggest goal: to get her back. To have her by my side. I thought that was what I was meant to make happen. What God expected me to do.”

“What changed?” I found myself asking. A sickened feeling had sprouted in my chest as I listened to him talk of wanting Mae. It was unbearable, yet I could do nothing to chase it away.

Rider’s chest rose and fell as he fought to breathe through whatever he wanted to say next. Then he did, and that feeling in my chest evaporated.

“You.”

I stilled, breath held.

“You changed it all. You changed
everything
.”

“Rider…” I whispered brokenly. My fingers twitched. They wanted to reach for his and feel his warmth. Feel his safe touch.

“It is true. I was sheltered my entire life. I remained pure and fixed my efforts on the first woman that ever paid me attention . . . but it was all bullshit. My need for Mae was as fake as this fucking religion we have dedicated our entire life to.” Rider turned his head away from me. I did not move. He looked at me again, self-hatred in his eyes. “Bella . . . when I ascended, I . . . I
liked
it.

“I liked the power. I felt like everything I had sacrificed was
for
something. I had a path, a purpose . . . then it all started going wrong. I didn’t know how to lead the people. The elders began losing faith in me. I didn’t receive any revelations like I thought I would.” He choked on a devastated laugh. “Because no such thing existed. My uncle had made it all up. He was smart. He and his sick friends found that by disguising their perversions under the veil of religion, they could lure people in. Broken, lost people looking for a reason to live. Helplessly searching for a better life. Instead all he brought them was rape and repression.”

“You did not know,” I said. “You were brought up to believe it all. We all were.”

“
I
should have known,” he replied sternly. “Bella, I lived here with the Hangmen for five years. I
saw
real life, the real world. I lived it. But all that time I held on to the belief that the entire world was wrong and our small commune was right. How fucking naïve was that?”

“It was not naïve, Rider. That commune was your family. It was all you knew. I
know
, remember? I lived it too.”

He stared at me for the longest time. So long that I became nervous under his attention. So long that his torn and shamed face frosted into an icy expression. “I let it happen,” he said dully. “All of it.”

I swallowed hard.

“I allowed the Klan’s men to take Lilah. They were meant to take Mae. Then I washed my hands of her and let Judah punish her.”

“You did not know what Judah would do to her, what the other elders would do. Even Lilah believes you were trying to save her.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” Every one of my muscles seemed to drain of blood. Had I been wrong about Rider? I feared that all his pain and self-hatred was a ruse. But then his lips trembled, and a single teardrop fell from his eye . . . and I knew he
was
the man I always knew him to be. “I think . . . I think, deep down, I knew all along that Judah was bad . . . cruel . . . sadistic . . . ”

“Rider,” I cried and began to move closer. He held out his hand, motioning for me to stop. The chains hanging from the cuffs scraped on the floor beside him.

“I . . . I think I knew. But did nothing, because, Bella . . . if I didn’t have Judah . . . ” An anguished noise slipped from his throat and his face contorted in agony. “Then . . . then I didn’t have anybody.”

I could not have stopped my tears if I tried. This time no outstretched hand would have stopped me from reaching my husband. And this time, when I dropped down beside him, Rider let me envelope his large body in my arms. He fell into my chest and let all the pain he harbored in his heart free. The chains dug into my legs where I sat. I did not care in the slightest.

“Rider,” I whispered and smoothed his long hair back from his damp face. “I am here . . . I am here.” My words only forced a louder cry from his mouth. I rocked him back and forth, my tears falling to mix with his on the dirt-ridden floor.

“I’m all alone,” he choked out through his agony. “I’m so fucking alone . . . so fucking confused . . . ”

“No,” I told him and moved my hands to his cheeks. My heart tore at how much pain he was in. I had never seen someone so destroyed. Even in my worst times, I always had the love of my sisters. In recent times, of Brother Stephen and Sister Ruth . . . Rider, he had had no one.

Absolutely no one at all. And worst of all, most of the people he did know hated him. Truly, venomously, hated him.

Rider broke down for many minutes more. When his tears ran dry, he inhaled a ragged breath. “I deserve to die. There is nothing I can do to right everything that I’ve done. I fucking deserve to die.”

“No,” I said curtly. I kneeled in front of him, his face in my hands. I did not like the ominous tone to his voice. “You do not,” I challenged. Rider squeezed his eyes shut and tried to turn his head. I refused to let him go.

“Bella,” he whispered in defeat.

“You have me,” I said vehemently. He had to know. I did not care what the men in this compound thought. “You have me.”

“I . . . I don’t deserve you. What I allowed to happen to your sisters . . . ”

“You did not condone.”

Rider shook his head. “What does that matter? I knew what Judah was capable of. Deep down . . . I knew . . . ”

“But you loved him. He was the only one you had
to
love. It is easy to ignore someone’s sins when love blinds you.”

More silent tears tumbled down his face. Rider’s eyes dropped, then he whispered, “I still do. Fuck, Bella. Despite everything . . . I still love him. He’s my brother . . . he’s all I have. And I . . . I don’t wanna be alone. I’m so fucking lonely all the damn time.” His huge dark eyes met mine. “To my embarrassment, I still love him . . . even after I know he no longer loves me . . . I’m not sure he ever really did.”

I searched his eyes and saw the guilt and hurt within them. “Because you are a good person, Rider. A pure soul always finds love. Even through hate, they will always find the ability to claim love.”

“I’m not good,” he argued. “I don’t believe that.”

I smiled. Pressing my forehead to his, I said, “Then I will believe it for you.”

“Bella,” he said in a strangled moan. But I did not let him speak any further. There was nothing else he could say that would change how I felt about him. How much I wanted him in this moment . . . in this life, by my side.

Nerves filled me as I drew my mouth toward his. But Rider held still and allowed me to join our lips. He let me take the lead.

No man had ever given me that luxury before.

Despite the sadness in his body, his lips were warm to the touch. I tasted his residual tears in my mouth, but I embraced it. His tears became my own, his burdens became mine to bear.

A soft moan left Rider’s mouth and he lifted his chained hands to my back. Heat traveled through me, ignited my every cell, as my chest pressed against his. Rider’s mouth broke from mine, and he gasped, chasing for lost breath. “Bella,” he murmured, moving my hand to lay a kiss on the center of my palm.

The affection in his eyes was my undoing. And I knew what I would do next. What I
had
to do next. I had no idea what tomorrow would bring. I could not predict the outcome. But I could take charge of tonight. I could show this perpetually broken man that he was no longer alone. I was here.

I was still his wife.