Deep Surrendering: Episode Five (9 page)

Read Deep Surrendering: Episode Five Online

Authors: Chelsea M. Cameron

Tags: #New-Adult Contemporary Romance

I left my parents’ house soon after, and I still didn’t know what was going on. Honestly, I was pissed.

Why in the hell had Dad shut me down? If there was something wrong with Mom, then I wanted to know. Sure, we didn’t get along, but she was my mother. If there was something happening to her, medically, or otherwise, I wanted to know.

I dropped the car off at the rental place and ended up walking home. It was a bit far, but I needed to clear my mind. The wind that whipped down the streets wasn’t enough to make me feel better though.

For the millionth time, I wished Fin was here. He’d have just the right words to say to make me feel better. And he’d probably take me to the bedroom for a while and that would be even better.

But he wasn’t here, and I didn’t want to bother him. So I texted Chloe. She had a complicated relationship with her parents, so I didn’t know if she’d understand, but she was still my best friend.

She messaged me back right away.

Aw, I’m sorry. Want to come over and talk?

I texted back that I did, and when I got to my apartment, I kept walking to Chloe’s. We lived so close that it wasn’t much further to her place.

She handed me a glass of wine the second I walked through the door and gave me a hug.

“Thanks. I just … I don’t know what to think,” I said, and we sat on the couch together. I told her about Mom’s little memory lapse and Dad being weird, and I knew, deep down, what was wrong. Or at least had an inkling of what was happening.

Chloe listened silently.

“And now I feel like shit for not being around,” I said, sighing. I kept getting these hot and cold feelings of dread. What was I going to do?

I
felt marginally better after I talked to Chloe, but not completely. She reassured me, and that was enough for now. I was definitely going to be calling my parents more often, that was for sure. And Dad had shut me down, but I wasn’t going to stop until I knew what was going on. He might not want to talk to me today, but I wasn’t going to stop trying.

After having dinner, I sat down and found myself feeling nostalgic, so I got up and grabbed one of the photo albums my parents had given me. One of my hobbies that I hadn’t much time for lately was photography. When I was a kid, I’d taken a lot of pictures and many of my Christmas and birthday presents had been cameras.

As I flipped through the pages, I saw pictures of my parents, most of them taken candidly. I was an extremely sneaky photographer when I wanted to be.

I found my favorite picture—one of them dancing. Dad had grabbed Mom and spun her around in the kitchen when they thought no one was looking. I’d caught her with her head thrown back in a laugh, Dad smiling at her. They’d had happy moments, but they’d been private about them. It was a different way of living than what I wanted.

Fin called me early, and I beamed when his face came up on the computer screen. The only thing better than seeing him and hearing his voice would be him saying he was coming home early.

“Hey!” I said, waving like a dork. Somehow, even after weeks of talking to him every day, the idea of Fin still made my heart race. Like the first time I saw him.

“Hello, Marisol.” Oh, he was definitely happy this evening. “How was your day?” I told him about visiting my parents and completely left out the part about Mom. I didn’t mean to, but I just didn’t want to bitch about my parents in the little time we had together. And my problems were nothing compared to what he had with his parents. So I kept my mouth shut as he told me that they’d signed a huge new account, and he’d been the one to make the winning pitch. He got so excited he started gesturing with his hands.

It was adorable.

“Congratulations. You should have a glass of champagne to celebrate.”

“I may have already done so,” he said, leaning into the camera and whispering before putting his finger to his lips.

“It’s okay,” I stage whispered. “I won’t tell anyone.” And I was pretty sure he’d had more than one glass of champagne, which was probably why his eyes were so bright. I should have known.

“Well, I feel left out.” I had a glass of wine at Chloe’s, but that had been hours ago.

“I haven’t been drunk in a long time,” Fin said, scrubbing his head with his hand. His movements were less … controlled was the only word I could think of. I’d never seen this side of him before.

“The last time I got drunk, I blacked out,” he said, his face falling. “That wasn’t a very good night.”

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, but I asked anyway.

“When was that?”

“The first time I left you. I didn’t know what to do, so I got wasted. Completely wasted. When that didn’t work, I went to see Sapphire. And you know the rest.” I did. He’d told me about Sapphire already, and I knew he’d gone to see her, but hadn’t been able to … continue. I’d thought about the woman Fin met when he was sixteen. They’d known each other for nearly ten years now. It was hard to fathom.

“I didn’t know that part. The getting drunk part,” I said.

“It didn’t seem worth mentioning. I don’t know why I’m bringing it up now,” he said, shrugging one shoulder.

“Were you okay? I mean, I’m guessing nothing serious happened.” He didn’t end up in the hospital. That I knew of.

“No, it’s not the first time it’s happened. I was fine. Just had a terrible hangover the next day. I don’t want to drink like that again.” I didn’t want him to.

“Please don’t. Or at least call me before you do so I can talk you out of it. I don’t care what time it is. Okay?” Damn the distance. I just wanted to give him a hug.

“I haven’t wanted to get drunk since then. I didn’t even want to do it then. I just … it was my coping mechanism, along with other things, and I went back to that old habit.” He rubbed the side of his nose. God, he was twitchy when he drank.

“Yeah, you’ve had a lot to deal with. I’d probably drink too.” He sighed and started shaking his head.

“What are you shaking your head about?” I asked. He was starting to make me nervous.

“You. Just … you. No matter what I tell you, you don’t flinch. I’ve just never met anyone like you. I haven’t been able to drive you away with anything I’ve done. It’s very frustrating.”

Whoa. What?

“You want to drive me away?” I asked, my voice quiet.

“No! No, that’s not what I meant. No, I most definitely don’t want to make you go away. In the beginning? Yes, I did. I tried to shock you a bit. You’re so bright, Marisol. I didn’t want to drag you down into darkness with me.” The pain in his words almost made me want to cry. And then pummel anyone who’d made him think he was full of darkness.

“You haven’t dragged me down, Fin.” I most certainly hadn’t been dragged. “When I’m with you I feel … it’s hard to put into words. I feel like I’m tapping into a part of myself that I’ve ignored for years. That I didn’t know was there. You make me feel more … me. That sounds stupid.” Why couldn’t I just explain it?

“No, it doesn’t. I understand.” He did? “I can be naked with you. And not the kind without clothes. You strip me and I let you. That’s never happened to me before. With anyone.”

There it was again. That feeling we were both standing at the edge of a cliff, looking over, wondering if we were going to leap. I looked into Fin’s eyes and knew, just
knew
, that I’d already jumped.

“You might have tried to drive me away, but it didn’t work. I—” He put his hand up and stopped me. “Don’t say it,” he said.

I stuttered for a moment. “Don’t say what? You didn’t know what I was going to say.” He couldn’t know that I was about to tell him I was falling for him. But he was perceptive, and I had a hard time hiding my emotions, so maybe he did. It was probably written all over my face.

“I know what you were going to say. But don’t say it.”

My voice was choked as I responded. “Why not?”

“Because…” He didn’t finish his thought.

“That’s not a reason, Fin.” The hurt was starting to turn into anger. Who was he to tell me what I could and couldn’t say? What I could and couldn’t feel?

“I don’t want you to. I care about you too much.” That. Now that was fucked up.

“You know that literally makes no sense, Fin. No fucking sense.” I had a brief thought of slamming the laptop shut and cutting him off, but I didn’t. I wanted to know what the hell was going through his head. This was another one of those times when I couldn’t read him. When his tangled thoughts were like yarn that was impossible to untangle, at least for me.

“Yes it does, and you know it, Marisol.”

“Don’t tell me what I know. I know that I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. It physically hurts me that you’re so far away. I’ve seriously considered getting on a plane just so I can come see you, and I definitely can’t afford an overseas plane ticket. It scares me how much I care about you, but it feels right. So right. You can tell me you’re dark, and tell me that you’re going to hurt me—you can put all the warning labels on yourself that you want, but that’s not going to stop me from feeling the way that I do.” I realized I was actually shaking. From emotion and from anger.

“So don’t tell me how I fucking feel, Fin Herald. I care about you so much it scares me. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted someone. I can’t change it and I’m not going to try. I’ve never felt this way before about anyone.” He’d been silent during my little speech, and now his expression was a closed door. Cut off. Shut down. He barely even blinked.

We had a stare down for what felt like forever, but I wasn’t going to be the first one to speak. It was his turn.

I kept my jaw clamped shut and waited. He barely moved. I had an itch on my foot, but I’d be damned if I was going to scratch it.

His jaw was locked tight, as if he was keeping everything inside. It was infuriating.

Finally, I caved and spoke. “Do you have anything to say?”

He just took a breath and said two words. “Goodbye, Marisol.”

Don’t forget to check out

Deep Surrendering

Episode 6

when it comes out on August 21st