Deer in Headlights (Hearts and Arrows 1) (Good god series) (14 page)

When he turned back around, Lex was gathering up her things. She stood and pulled her coat on, then waved to Travis before leaving. He couldn’t stop watching her, and got the feeling that she was avoiding making eye contact with him before she turned and left the warehouse.

Dean blinked.
What in the actual fuck is wrong with me?

They started the song over again, and Dean tried to get his shit together. Her face was on his mind as he wondered where she went, what she liked to do, where she worked. What did she want? Could he give it to her?

He threw on the brakes. He didn’t even know her. The whole thing was ridiculous. And to top it all, she was off limits.
 

But he couldn’t stop her from creeping back in like tendrils of smoke. He knew if he tried to grab her, she’d slip through his fingers. He’d lose her along with Roe and the band.

Dean had gone through much of his life not feeling, not knowing if he could feel, not sure if he wanted to. Even when his mom died, he was numb. The years of neglect warred with that thing that everyone wants, but Dean never got. Love.

Dean climbed the steps to his mother’s apartment, years before, and dread crept its way into his chest just like it did every time he went home, not knowing if she’d be there. He stayed with Roe most of the time, only going home every few days to sleep and pack a fresh bag, and each time he came back, he hoped she would be gone. They rarely saw each other, and when they did, they only spoke when necessary. She didn’t ask about him, and he didn’t ask about her. They just stayed out of each other’s way, and it suited both of them just fine.
 

As soon as he opened the door, he smelled the cigarette smoke. She sat on the couch with the television on, and he stared at the back of her head for a minute before closing the door behind him. She turned her head to the sound and gave him a once over, then looked back to the television and took a drag, never saying a word.
 

He didn’t react, just walked past her and into his room where he packed his things in a hurry, thankful that he had to go to work at the record store so he had an excuse to leave, somewhere to go. Roe would be there, and they could listen to music all night, then he could just sleep over. Roe’s mom always had dinner for them when they got in, and if he could stay there forever, he would. It was the only place that felt like home, even though he knew he didn’t really belong there.

Once his bag was packed, he headed straight for the door, but she turned to him and something was off. It was her face … she didn’t look right as her expression froze, drooping on one side. She tried to speak, but only made partial sounds, almost grunting.
 

His brow dropped. “What?”

She tried to speak again, but couldn’t.

“Are you okay?”

Her mouth moved, and a tear slipped down her cheek.

He dropped his bag and knelt in front of her. “Mom?”

She reached for his hand and squeezed it, and he fumbled for his phone.
 

“I’m calling 9-1-1. Just hang on.” His eyes didn’t leave her as he relayed what happened to the dispatcher and gave the address, but he dropped the phone when her eyes rolled back and she slipped further down on the couch.

“Mom?” He touched her face. “Mom, can you hear me?” His heart hammered in his chest as he frantically looked for his phone. “I think she just had a seizure. She’s not answering me.” He touched her neck just under her jaw and found a heartbeat.
 

“Does she have a pulse?”

“Yes. Yes, I just checked.”

“Okay, stay on the phone with me. You said your name was Dean?”

“Yes.”

“Paramedics are on their way. How old are you?”

“Sixteen.”

“I don’t want you to worry, okay? We’re going to do whatever we can to help your mom.”

He stopped really listening, answering automatically as the dispatcher kept him talking. It wasn’t long before he heard the sirens, but time was a vacuum as he sat with his mother on the couch, not knowing if she would live or die, and not knowing if his life would be better or worse for it. Then the paramedics were there, putting her on a gurney. Then they were in the ambulance, the sirens blaring as he stared at his mother, her head bobbling with every bump, the motion exaggerated by the oxygen mask over her face. And then Dean sat on an uncomfortable chair in a waiting room in the hospital, staring at a stain on the industrial carpet as he listened to a doctor tell him that they did everything they could, that she had another stroke as they tried to repair her aneurysm, that they were sorry for his loss. But he didn’t know what he had lost, and didn’t know if he ever would.

Dean pushed the memory away as the song ended. He turned to Roe.
 

“Hey, take five.”

Roe’s brow dropped. “Yeah, okay.”
 

Dean walked to his bag and pulled out water and his notebook. His whole life had been empty other than Roe, who was the one good thing that had happened to him. He wondered what his life would have been like without Roe in it, and there was no scenario with a happy ending. But at that moment in his life, Dean was the closest he’d ever been to one. They had a recording deal, his dream come to life. It was their chance, their break. And he couldn’t fuck that up, not for a muse. That was all she could be, he told himself over and over.

Kara sipped a beer from Lex’s dining room table as she watched Lex zip around her kitchen, making dinner. Her long, white neck and bare shoulder peeked out of the wide collar of her oversized sweater, her hair in a loose bun as she chopped vegetables. She rambled a million miles a minute while attempting to cook, but was failing pretty miserably, by Kara’s estimation.

Lex turned to Kara, and her hand whacked the salt. The shaker skittered across the counter and toppled over, spilling salt over the surface. Her eyes bugged as she grabbed a pinch and tossed it over her shoulder, then swept it off the counter with the meat of her hand into her waiting palm.

Kara laughed and shook her head. “You’re a mess.”

“Whatever. I’d like to avoid all the bad luck I can, thank you very much.” Lex dusted her hands off in the sink. “Anyway, Travis’ new band is fantastic. Dean, the lead singer, is completely mesmerizing.” She rolled her eyes. “God, that sounds so cheesy, but it’s true. Travis said that he’s a super slut, but I could see how he’d get all the ass he’d ever want.”

Kara leaned back in her chair.
Oh my God, she likes him. No wonder she’s amped.

“How much coffee have you had today?” Kara asked. She threw her hands up to avoid getting hit in the face with a dishtowel. “You’re really excited about this band, Lexie.”

“They’re just so good. Travis didn’t even have to convince me to go back to practice today. I actually came from the warehouse to make you dinner á la Lex.”

“Aww, you tore yourself away on account of little old me?”

“I did. Lucky you. Oh, speaking of, did I play that song for you? I keep meaning to.”

“Yeah. You posted it on my Facebook and emailed it to me. Oh, and you sent me a text.”

“Goddammit. I’m sorry.” Lex’s hand touched her flushed cheek.

“It’s okay, I love you anyway. So,” Kara leaned forward with a smirk, “tell me more about this
mesmerizing
lead singer.”
 

“Oh, I don’t mean it like that. Travis is fantastic too. I mean, how can you not watch him when he has his shirt off?” They both giggled. “Seriously, Kara, will you please come with me to practice? You have to hear them live.”

“All right, all right. I’ll go. And this lead singer better be as captivating as you say, or you’re going to owe me one. Uh, Lex?” Kara pointed to the stove where a pot boiled over.

“Oh, shit.” Lex spun around and turned the heat down, blowing on the water while she stirred it.

Kara shook her head, confounded. Lex always had the illusion of having her shit together, even in the kitchen. Kara would say Lex was generally cheerful, but giddy? Never. Especially not over a guy. Kara wanted to meet the singer in the band, curious as to how he’d gotten Lex all twisted up over him.

Lex flitted around the kitchen, multitasking noodle cooking and vegetable chopping while Kara pulled out the dishes and silverware to set the table. She set the plates down and folded the napkins, lost in the routine, thinking about her friend.

Alexis Greene had broken hearts throughout the Lower East Side from the minute she turned sixteen and started dating. She’d been through a string of guys over the course of ten years, ranging in seriousness from fling to the occasional long-term relationship, confident enough to date nerds or playboys. Lex had no fear, as long as her heart wasn’t involved. So many of them tried to break in, but she was completely unavailable, which was funny because she almost always had a boyfriend. She was the girl that guys wanted and chicks hated, even though she was never a bitch to anyone. Except Ramona James, but that skank had it coming.

But Lex had never been able to get close to any guy, always running when things got sticky. And it was no big shocker, not after dealing with her mom for so many years. Kara and Lex had walked in to Lex’s apartment many times after school to find her mom sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, staring at the wall, her eyes red and face tear-stained and puffy. She was a good mom, and she and Lex were close, but the woman had forever worn her loneliness like a badge.

I’ll never be like her, Kara
, Lex would say.
I will never give a man that kind of power over me
.

So to see Lex infatuated for the very first time was bizarre to witness, but Kara couldn’t help but be a little hopeful. She smiled to herself as she set down the last fork and turned to help Lex salvage dinner.

ROE TUNED HIS BASS, twisting the machine heads and picking the strings automatically as he sat on a stool in the warehouse, waiting for the rest of the band. His mind wandered to Dean, who had been aloof on a whole new level lately. He was distracted and unfocused, which was unlike him, especially when it came to their music.
 

Dean was a quiet guy, though he and Roe never had a lack of things to talk about since they’d been friends since grade school. Dean had been on his own for pretty much his entire life, but from the minute Roe first saw him, he knew they’d be friends. When Roe found Dean sitting on the steps of their elementary school with that jerk McCoy trying to push him around, his black hair in his face, his green eyes flashing, he knew Dean needed someone. Roe was that someone.
 

Within a few weeks of meeting, Dean started coming home with him. Roe sensed Dean didn’t want to go home, though it took months before he would hint at why, and years until Roe knew the whole story. Roe’s mom knew and tried to help, though as a night shift nurse, she wasn’t home a lot. But Dean was always welcome, any time. She’d cook special meals when Dean was there, and always got him a few gifts at Christmas, candy at Easter, trying to give him some small joy in his life, some sense of family.

Roe was forever grateful that his mom was on board with Dean living with them after his mom died. If Dean had gotten put into the system, it would have meant a whole extra layer of fucked up on top of his already fucked-up self.