Descending Surfacing (2 page)

I was shaking after the sudden outburst of passion, as if a long unused motor had been re-started inside me.

Jamie pressed the door opening button and it worked again. There was only a small bit of dark wall at the top of the opening; the rest was a normal floor.

He bounded out of the lift, then suddenly remembered me and held out his hand, grinning. ‘Come on, Emily.’

Outside the lift was in darkness as we had come to a halt in the basement.

‘
Hello?’ called a voice, and two of the college caretakers appeared, faces full of puzzlement. ‘Are you okay? We heard the lift creaking but didn’t know there was anyone inside it.’

‘
Yes, we’re fine,’ I volunteered as Jamie had assumed his usual shifty expression, avoiding eye contact with anyone in authority. ‘I think you should get someone to look at it though. It's definitely not working properly and the next people in it might not be so lucky.’

Jamie sniggered, then turned it into a cough. I didn’t know whether to laugh as well or feel worried. Would he tell his friends he’d kissed Miss in the lift? What would I do in our next lesson? Would he even look at me? At least I was planning to resign so whatever happened it would only be ‘til the end of term. All these thoughts whirled round in my head.

‘
Cuppa tea, love? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,’ the older caretaker offered in a fatherly manner.

‘
No thanks. But thank you anyway. I’ll just get home. I think I’ll use the stairs this time. Thanks anyway,’ I gabbled, and set off towards the cement stairs of the basement, different emotions fighting for precedence in my head.

Jamie followed me.

‘
Miss - er - Emily.’ He seemed very chirpy.

What should I say now? Just wade right in.

‘
About what just happened. I enjoyed it but - but please don’t tell anyone. I’m leaving anyway at the end of term so there’s no point telling them.’

He looked confused by all the information I had just thrown at him. I recognised the ‘processing’ expression that so many of the boys wore when trying to understand things in class.

‘
Okay. Why are you leaving?’

‘
Oh just personal reasons. It's not because of you or - not anything like that - it's just - I just decided to leave some time ago. I’ll see you in class on Monday, will I?’

‘
Maybe.’ At least he smiled briefly before walking off.

On the way home I couldn’t switch off. What did that mean, if anything? I was thirty and he seventeen. Was it just because it was dark and we were scared and thought we were about to die? Would he really keep it a secret or tell his mates and laugh about me? It was only kissing, after all, with a bit more. It wasn’t like we’d had sex. I’d just have to wait and see if the others found out, I thought as I unlocked my front door and went into the sanctuary of my flat.

Saturday 21st / Sunday 22nd January

Over the weekend I thought almost constantly about what happened. I remembered how happy I’d been that day in December when the boys finally found out my name after three months of being just ‘Miss’, or ‘that bird’. That’s boys for you, though. I tried to introduce myself in September, but they didn’t want to know then. They said ‘So what? What do we care what yer name is?’ Charming.

But two weeks before the end of term, one of them actually said ‘Emily’ when he spoke to me. It cheered me up so much, I laughed at myself for being so pathetic! After so many months of being invisible and anonymous, one little bit of recognition made my day.

Now when I looked back, the episode seemed even more significant. They were joking about who would steal tools from the workshop, and I said ‘Oh, that Jamie, he’s a dodgy one.’ And Jamie said ‘Oh, that Emily, she’s a dodgy one.’ Right back at me. I said ‘Someone knows my name,’ and felt quite choked. Stupid really.

The next day when I went into class, ‘that Jamie’ and his friends, John and Ryan, asked me to help them, and made room for me between them! Jamie was on the special needs register for dyslexia and so was John - for general learning difficulties - so Ryan just tagged along and got help by association. That was the first time I had been welcomed since the academic year began. Most of the students never noticed I was there.

The next couple of weeks I sat with those three, maybe more than I should have, but it was a relief to have students actually acknowledge me, use my name and want to speak to me.  They said hello in the corridor and even if they saw me at the nearby supermarket. It was a bit of warmth in a cold environment.

We always joked about how much I wrote for the three of them, and at the end of term, full of the Christmas spirit [in more ways than one, as they had been to the pub], Olivia, the Literacy teacher, teased me about being their secretary and how they should pay me for my work. Jamie jokingly said he’d pay me by taking me behind the bike sheds [nudge nudge, wink wink] and our group giggled. Initially I was surprised that the suggestion was made by him, as he didn’t seem the type to say things like that. But it had taken root somewhere in my subconscious and slowly grown into an idea. I’d thought about him slightly differently from then on, even though I knew I shouldn’t. It was only a harmless girlish fantasy to fill the romantic gap in my life, after all.

Then the Christmas holidays had arrived and I’d concentrated on my call centre job, which I did on Thursdays and Fridays, with extra Christmas shifts over the holidays. It was routine but I had the thought of the more unpredictable job at the college in January to keep me going. That was how it worked: when I was fed up with learning support, I looked forward to the call centre work and vice versa.

The first day after the holidays, Jamie was different, even though Ryan and John were exactly the same: friendly and keen for my help. I assumed that Jamie had problems at home because he was agitated and stand-offish. So I told Di, his learning mentor. Then he seemed to calm down so I told her I’d been mistaken. But he kept changing from distant to approachable, unlike the constant character he’d been before Christmas.

I had a gut feeling it was something to do with Aaron, the Alpha Male of the group, because a couple of times I’d been sitting with Jamie helping him and everything had been fine. Then Aaron swanned in late as usual, and Jamie switched off, turning away from me and giving out a ‘get away from me’ vibe. So I tactfully moved away. I didn’t understand what Aaron’s problem was, but it was affecting Jamie, so I didn’t want to get involved with their power struggles.

I had the uneasy feeling that Aaron was spreading rumours about me because, before the holidays, I thought I’d heard him making unpleasant comments about me in tiling lessons. John and Ryan seemed unaffected by him. Ryan was very resistant to Aaron, always being cheeky and winding him up, and John was just oblivious. I think if Aaron had pushed John too far, he’d have been sorry because although John was a gentle giant to me, he had convictions for football violence, so there was another side to him.

Anyway, that had been a fortnight ago. It was now the end of January. At least I was leaving at half term.

Monday 23rd January

I was sha
king as I went to work. It was cold, which didn’t help, and the first classes flew by, taking me inevitably towards the late morning IT class with Group E, which was Jamie’s group.

I went to the IT room early as normal as I didn’t want anything to be different. I stood in front of the classroom door and couldn’t help but think of Friday’s events.

A bang of the door at the end of the corridor signalled the arrival of Group E.

‘
Fuckin’ little tosser! He thinks he’s so hard and-‘ The rest of the sentence was lost in muttering. It was Aaron, striding in like an emperor surrounded by his minions. Jamie, as usual, was tagging along but not joining in. I didn’t want to catch his eye, or ignore him, so I just smiled vaguely at them all.

‘
Hello.’ I nodded at Aaron, to keep the peace. He always had to be the first to be acknowledged or he sulked. I smiled at the others equally.

‘
Good afternoon, boys,’ said Roger, the IT teacher. He was getting on in years but had a sharp tongue and had reduced some of the more sensitive boys to tears on occasion. As a result, the students were secretly scared of him. It was fortunate that this was my first lesson with the group, because they were less likely to misbehave with him in charge.

‘
Hello Emily,’ said Roger. ‘Could you work with Jamie today? He’ll need some help as usual.’

My heart sank.

Despite Jamie’s change in attitude, I still worked with him a lot because he was on the special needs register, although the others didn’t know it. I never knew whether it was best to tell students who I was supporting and risk the student/s getting teased for being ‘thick’, or not tell them and risk the student/s getting teased for being ‘Miss’s favourite.’

‘
What do you need help with Jamie?’ I asked politely. I suddenly got a memory of being pressed against him in the half light of the lift with his tongue down my throat and pushed the thought away.

He shot me a quick glance, then said: ‘The questions Miss. I can’t read them.’

‘
It's okay. I’ll help you. Then I’ll go and see who else needs help.’ I felt proud of myself for saying that - reassuring yet not over friendly. What a brilliant support assistant. Hm...

‘
Thanks.’ He glanced at me once more, then turned to the computer screen, as did I.

‘
It’ll all be alright, don’t worry.’ I didn’t look at him.

‘
That’s good. You know what I’m like with computers. Just gotta look at them and they break,’ he sighed.

I smiled sympathetically. I was amazed at how cool I was being. Must be my long experience of keeping calm under a barrage of teenage insults.

After ten minutes of helping Jamie, I sensed the others were getting agitated, so I moved away to help Aaron. He didn’t really need help but I helped him anyway so he got his due respect as Alpha Male. There was no room for feminism or modern thinking in a group of construction students.

‘
I reckon Jamie should pay you for all the time you write stuff down for him,’ said Aaron loudly, swinging back on his chair.

Oh no
, I thought.
He knows. Probably Jamie told him to impress him.

‘
Aaron! Don’t break the chair.
Sit up,’ ordered Roger. Aaron slowly sat up.

‘
Shouldn’t he, Sir?’

‘
I beg your pardon?’ queried Roger.

‘
Jamie should pay Miss for all the writing she does for him.’

The rest of the class sniggered and I swore inside my head.

‘
I don’t need paying,’ I snapped. ‘It’s my job to help people and I get paid by the college.’

That threw Aaron off his stride. Thank God for my years of experience in quick put downs. After the boys had all settled down again, I risked a glance at Jamie. He gave me a faint smile.

I managed to keep calm throughout the lesson. I went back to check on Jamie once more. There was another learning support assistant in the room, Stacey, blonde and much younger than me. She took over helping Jamie for a while, longer than I had done. He was smiling at something she was saying, she was smiling back and I was suddenly stabbed by a twinge of jealousy, so fierce that I gasped.

‘
Alright, Miss?’ asked Luke, another on the special needs list, a gentle and sensible boy. I often sat next to him when the others became too rude or loud.

‘
Oh- yes- fine-‘

‘
You just winced.’

‘
Oh, it's nothing- it's- er- just a cramp-‘ I rubbed my stomach lightly, knowing this would stop him questioning me further. None of the boys wanted to talk about ‘women’s problems’. I was right.

‘
Ah,’ he said wisely, and turned to the screen.

The next lesson was carpentry, with Jamie’s group again. I didn’t enjoy the practical lessons and didn’t know why I was timetabled to be in them. None of the students needed help, just the odd caution against throwing things or mucking about, but generally I was really bored for the whole two hours.

However I was looking forward to carpentry today because I could avoid Jamie and it wouldn’t look suspicious.

I had a quick lunch in the staffroom, alone as usual. I valued my quiet time away from the students, but it would have been encouraging to make friends at the college. I worked part time and hadn’t really done so yet. I only saw the other learning support assistants occasionally and it would have been a relief to discuss how the groups were behaving. Otherwise I assumed it was just me the students disobeyed, or insulted, or chatted up. I hadn’t really made many friends at the call centre either. I thought having two jobs would give my life more variety, but all it had meant was that I didn’t get involved deeply in either of the jobs and it had taken ages to get to know the other staff members.

‘
Today we are going to make a shelf,’ said Vernon, the teacher. He called the students round and demonstrated what to do. I sat up on one of the tables to rest my legs: it was tiring standing unoccupied for two hours.