[Desert Roses 02] - Across the Years (31 page)

“Because she doesn’t want to be forgiven,” Ashley said, sitting up. “She doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. She hurts people and causes deep pain, but she doesn’t care because she has no standard by which to gauge it.”

Ashley considered the situation in the depth of her soul. “If she doesn’t want forgiveness because she doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong, then why should I forgive her? Why does it matter what I think or feel toward her when she’s perfectly content to believe herself absolutely right in these matters?”

Forgive her for your own sake. Forgive her for the freedom that comes in letting go of the past. Forgive her because I’ve forgiven you.

The words seemed to come from somewhere deep within. The quickening in her spirit left Ashley no doubt where the inspiration had come from. Ashley looked to the Bible on Grandpa’s nightstand. Picking it up, she hugged it close.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she whispered. “God, I’m only human, and I don’t know how to forgive her for this. Grandpa would tell me that I should lean on you, and so that’s all I have—that’s all I can do. You’ll have to show me how to forgive her. How to stop hating her. Please, God. Please show me.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Spreading out across the windblown desert, the searchers looked for any sign that might give them hope that Natalie had passed that way. Ethan found himself praying continuously. Suddenly nothing in life was more important than finding that little girl.

“Lord, I know I’ve asked for her safety over and over during this ordeal, but I just can’t keep from asking again. Help us to find her—help me to find her. I want so much just to hold her and know that she’s going to be all right.”

Ethan watched as the distance between himself and the other riders grew. They were like the spokes of a wheel heading out from their hub—Winslow. It seemed a responsible way to search, but the slow, methodic manner in which they conducted themselves did little to ease his concerns.

He studied the horizon with a burning desire to kick the horse into a full gallop. He wanted to reach whatever destination would prove to him that Natalie was safe and sound. He didn’t even care if she was mindless of the suffering she’d caused. He didn’t care if she was still as mad as a wet hornet. He just wanted to find her and bring her back safely to Ashley.

Ashley.

Even thinking of her now warmed his heart. He knew just by looking in her eyes that they had a future. She didn’t care about the past. She didn’t care that he’d killed men and still had nightmares. Ashley would open her home and her arms to him if that was what he wanted.

He looked at the ground for any sign Natalie might have left behind, then scanned the horizon once again. The turmoil in his heart got the better of him and a tightness rose up in his throat.
I know I’m not perfect, but I can try to be a good husband and father. I would like to try. I want to do the right thing in spite of the years that have gone by.

Ethan looked at Pastor McGuire, who was riding toward a large collection of sandstone rocks. The reddish boulders would create the perfect hiding place.

“I’m going to check out these rocks!” McGuire called out. Ethan slowed his horse and held his breath, waiting for some sign. The pastor picked his way around the rocks, disappearing momentarily from Ethan’s sight, then coming around in view again.

“She’s not been here!” McGuire called out. “I don’t see any tracks at all to suggest otherwise.”

“Okay!” Ethan replied and waved. Disappointment welled up inside. She seemed to have vanished from the face of the earth.

Ethan studied the ground for hoof tracks that might prove the pony had passed this way, but the wind whipped up the sand and dirt, blowing it first one direction and then another. A dust devil blew up not ten feet in front of him, spooking the mount. The horse reared up a bit and the action caused Ethan to nearly lose his seat. He wasn’t much of a horseman, and this added intrigue was almost more than he could handle. The gelding danced around for a moment as Ethan fought to regain control.

“Easy, fellow,” he called soothingly. “Whoa, now.”

The horse calmed as the windy formation spent itself and the sand fell back to earth in a new location. The animal proceeded in a cautious fashion, ears slightly back, alert to the ever-present danger that another whirlwind might threaten them. Ethan tired of the slow walk and urged the gelding forward, picking up the pace to a trot. Surely he could spot something just as easily at this speed.

After a time, Ethan could see the rock formations that edged Clear Creek. How pleasant their picnic had been here on that Sunday so long ago. He looked off in the distance. Wasn’t that the direction in which Natalie planned to build her mother a house? He slowed the horse and patrolled the rock-lined creek, seeking some clue that his daughter was
here and safe. He was just about to call out to Pastor McGuire when the man motioned and called to Ethan. “Look over there!”

Ethan followed the direction indicated and caught sight of Penny, Natalie’s pony. His heart sank. The pony was saddled but without a rider. Ethan pressed his horse into a full gallop, but as he neared, the pony spooked and pranced away nervously. Ethan pulled back the reins and brought the gelding to a stop. “Easy, boy,” he called and patted his horse’s neck.

By this time Pastor McGuire and Marcus Greeley had joined him. The men had served as Ethan’s right and left flank. Dismounting, he tossed his reins to McGuire and went in pursuit of Penny.

“Come on, Penny-girl.” He clucked softly as he’d heard Natalie do, then reached into his pocket for the apple Ashley had given him shortly before they’d left the house. “Look what I have for you.” He held up the apple and walked ever so slowly toward the spooked horse.

Penny seemed to remember him and started a slow, plodding walk toward him. Ethan took out his knife and cut a hunk of the apple and held it out. Penny picked up her pace and came to a stop only a few feet from Ethan. She eyed the offering for a moment, then apparently judged him to be a safe risk. Moving forward, she took the apple, even as Ethan took up her reins.

“Good job, Ethan,” Greeley called out. “The west will make a cowboy of you yet.”

Ethan smiled. “I don’t recall wanting the job.” He stroked Penny’s nose. “I sure wish you could talk. I wish you could take me to Natalie.”

“At least we know she’s somewhere here in the area. The pony’s not lathered or worked up.” Pastor McGuire dismounted and walked to where Penny stood enjoying Ethan’s attention. He forced his fingers between her saddle blanket and back. “She doesn’t feel the slightest bit damp. I’d say she hasn’t had this saddle on long at all. Maybe Natalie rested
here for the night and when she went to saddle Penny, she got away from her.”

“That could be,” Ethan said, trying not to worry. “Maybe Natalie is really close,” he added. “Here. I’m going on foot.” He handed Penny over to McGuire. Setting off across the ground to the rocks, Ethan began calling. “Natalie! Natalie, where are you?”

Greeley did likewise, heading downstream.

Ethan felt his heart pounding at a pace he couldn’t hope to calm. He scrambled onto the rock that edged the creek. The wind spit sand against his face momentarily, but once he started climbing down the creek bank, Ethan found himself more sheltered from the wind. “Natalie! Natalie, if you can hear me—answer me!”

“I’m here.” Her voice sounded perturbed.

Ethan strained to listen. “Natalie, where are you?”

“I’m over here.” Exasperation rang clear.

He followed the sound and spied something red sticking out just over the next ridge of rock. Scrambling over the barrier, Ethan came face-to-face with his daughter. She wore a red oblong cap that tied under her chin and a dark brown jacket that had what appeared to be a fresh tear on the sleeve. A cut on her forehead and some scratches on her face and hands were the worst of her injuries—as far as Ethan could tell. She looked otherwise unharmed but very annoyed.

Sitting there, elbows on her knees, face in her hands, as if contemplating what was to be done, Natalie looked like someone who’d rather be left alone. Ethan didn’t care. He was so happy to see her safe that he acted without thinking. Picking her up, he hugged her close.

“Oh, Natalie, I thought we’d lost you for good. We found Penny, but we had no idea if you were hurt or worse.” He couldn’t even bring himself to suggest that she could have died.

“Penny lost her footing on the edge. It wasn’t her fault.
I was too close. I fell off and Penny ran away,” Natalie said matter-of-factly. “Please put me down.”

Ethan did as she asked. “We’ve been looking all over for you,” he said, continuing his mental inventory. She didn’t appear to have any broken bones, but the bump on her head was bleeding. “Your mother is sick with worry.” Ethan reached out to touch her, but Natalie withdrew and crossed her arms.

“Is she all right?” Pastor McGuire called from where he stood with the horses.

Ethan called back, “She’s fine. Would you please leave Penny and the mount you lent me and go notify the others that she’s all right and that we’re heading home?”

“Of course,” Pastor McGuire replied. “Natalie, I’m so relieved to see you’re all right. We’ve sure been praying for you.”

“Oh, Pastor McGuire, would you also let Ashley know we’re coming home?”

The man grinned down at them. “I’d be delighted.”

Ethan looked down at his daughter. “You ready to head back?”

Natalie only shrugged and stared at the creek. Once the pastor and Greeley had taken off to alert the others, Natalie sat down again. The anger in her voice was apparent. “Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I’m not a baby, you know.” She looked at him, her brows knitted together. “I thought we were friends.”

“We are friends, Natalie.” Ethan sat down on the rock opposite her. “I didn’t know the truth at first. You told me your father died in the war and I presumed he had. I sure didn’t expect to find out that I was really your father. In fact, I didn’t know the truth of it until I came face-to-face with your mother that day you introduced us outside the ice-cream store.”

“You could have said something then.” She looked back at the water instead of him.

“I thought it would be unfair to your mother. I figured I should tell her in private.”

“But you didn’t. You had lots of time to do it, but you didn’t tell her. Why? Are you ashamed of us? Were you just going to leave without telling us?”

Ethan thought his heart might break at this statement. “Of course not. It had nothing to do with you and your mother. It had everything to do with me—with who I was inside.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Natalie said, getting to her feet. “You lied to me.”

Ethan shook his head. “I didn’t lie to you. You never asked me if I was your father. You made it clear you wanted a new father—a husband for your mother—but you didn’t ask me if I was Ethan Reynolds.” He spoke softly, trying to be honest yet careful. He wanted to calm her down, but her growing anger was apparent. “Natalie, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want you to be hurt.”

“Well, I am hurt, and I’m mad too.” She stomped across the rocks to where the pastor had left Penny and the black mount.

Ethan followed quickly, not willing to let her get away from him again. He helped her up onto Penny, then noticing the lump on her forehead, thought better of it. “Maybe you should ride with me. You’ve hit your head pretty hard, and I don’t want you passing out.”

“I’m not going to pass out.” She tossed her pigtails over her shoulder and tried hard to look older than she was. “I told you, I’m not a baby.”

Ethan’s heart went out to her. He stood beside Penny, holding the pony in place. “Natalie, I don’t blame you for being mad at me, but please listen. I didn’t mean for you to be hurt in this. I wanted to talk to your mother first—to see if there was some way we could work everything out.”

“Where were you all those years? Mama said you were dead. Did she lie to me too?”

Ethan felt panicked at the question. How could he explain? He certainly couldn’t tell her that her grandmother had lied to him—not without making a bad situation worse. “No.
Your mother had no idea until you heard her talking to me. The army had told her I was dead. She really thought I was. And remember, I thought she was dead because someone told me she’d died from the influenza. We had no idea either one was still alive, or we would have been together.

“Furthermore, I didn’t know about you at all. Your mama had never told me she was going to have a baby. You know that’s true—your mama told you that much.” Natalie nodded but only slightly. He continued. “When I heard you talking about your father and how he died a hero in the war, and then later when you told me what your mother’s name was—I couldn’t believe it. It was so shocking to me that I was almost sick from it. I couldn’t believe I’d lost all those years and that I had a daughter.”

“But how could Mama not know it was you?”

“I don’t look like I did when we married. I have glasses and a beard now. I’ve had a lot of surgery on my face too. Your mama might have had suspicions about me, but she didn’t know until yesterday. She saw the picture I’d sketched for you. That’s why I’d asked you to keep it out of sight. I knew if she saw it, she would probably know the truth, and I hadn’t had a chance to talk to her yet.”

“Were you really going to talk to her?” Natalie asked. She looked down at him with an expression that betrayed all of her mistrust. “Or were you going to just leave us when you were done building the hotel?”

“Natalie, I always planned to tell your mama. That day we went to the meteorite crater, I wanted to have a long talk and tell her the truth. I knew you’d be busy, with the way you like to hike around and explore. I thought while you were playing, I could tell her who I was and see what she wanted to do about it. I thought by telling her there, she couldn’t run away from me and not listen. Like you did.”

Natalie’s frown deepened. “Then why didn’t you tell her?”

“Her friends interrupted my discussion with her and I
couldn’t. I really wanted her to know the truth. I wanted you to know the truth too.”