Desire (11 page)

“Don’t fucking lie to me!” he shouts.

I li
nk his hands with mine, kissing his bloody knuckles. “Okay, you did,” I confess. He howls and tries to pull away. “And I really, really liked it.”

He lifts his chin, his eyes filled with self-hatred and remorse.
“What?”

“I fucking loved it, Isaac. Because I am almost as fucked up as you are. We are perfect for each other. You could break me in half and I’d come back for more.”

He wraps his fingers into my hair and pulls me into his lap, kissing me with quivering lips. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“The only thing you have to be sorry about is leaving me. You can’t do that. I really need you right afterwards
. And you need me.”

“Okay,” he groans
. “Because it will happen again, I can’t help it.”

“I know.”

“This isn’t who I was supposed to be,” he sobs into my neck.

“I know, baby. It
’s okay.” I rock him back and forth while he loses it.

He comes around after a while, looking up
at me with sad, scared eyes, filled with shame. “We can get away with another day,” he says, wiping his eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I thought this might happen. I knew it would. I need to take care of you now.”

“I’m really okay. My back hurts a little, but I’m fine.” His hand slides down my spine and rests on my
tailbone. It’s going to bruise.

“I love you. I’m so fucking sorry,” he weeps.

“Hey, it was worth it. We get another day, right?”

“Yeah,” he sniffles. “Another night, too.”

“You can fuck me again.”

“I’ll have to, I can’t control it. But I’ll need to be cuddly
now. I can’t believe I did that,” he chokes.

“We never got a chance t
o play with your nipple jewelry,” I distract him.

“Did I hurt
you there, too?”

A little bit.
“No. Do you want me to wear the first pair you got?” I smile at him, trying to coax him to forgive himself.

“No, the last. The platinum ones. I bought them fo
r you, after I saw your picture,” he murmurs, kissing the tip of my nose. “I knew it was you. I knew right away.”

But I don’t get a chance to wear them because he takes me again right there on the floor, fucking me harder than he wants to, snarling things that he doesn’t wan
t to say and wishes he didn’t mean into my ear. And like he promised, he doesn’t leave me afterwards so I see just how much it rips him apart, how much he hates himself. It doesn’t matter if I liked that, it doesn’t matter if I came. A dream he’s held on to for so long, one that got him through horrible nights, is disappearing. He wanted to be someone else. The idea that he’ll always need this is unbearable.

His only comfort is that I need it too and it doesn’t matter how twisted this game gets,
even when we don’t want to play, as soon as it’s over, we’re still us and we always will be. He begs me to safeword the next time, he needs to know if he can stop. I’m not sure that he can and if his self-control is an illusion now, I don’t want to take that away from him. Thankfully, I don’t have to decide. Because the rest of our time in this place is so sweet and tender. He kisses the bruise on my back a thousand times and I kiss the scars on him over and over until he tears up and laughs at the same time.

I
only tell him to stop when he loses control of his mouth and starts to reclaim my throat with a collar of hickeys the way he did that first time we were together. He doesn’t have to mark my skin because he’s etched on my heart, my soul, and he always will be. We christen everything in the little treasure box he gave me and fulfilling that fantasy for him is the perfect way to end this. By the time the sun comes up, it’s like he’s a different person, happy, hopeful, whole. We barely slept, but we’re too excited to feel tired because he’s coming to my house tonight and our real lives together, as fucked up as they’re going to be, are finally starting.

He drops to his kne
es when I’m in front of the door, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his head on my belly as I trace patterns in his hair. I kiss his freshly shredded shoulder and he tells me not to worry about the bite mark. He loves when I do that more than I do and it won’t be an issue because no one will see it except for him. After covering each other’s faces with hundreds of kisses, he holds the door open for me and I step into the hallway, turning around to see his beautiful face one more time. I’m not sure if he rages and howls after the door closes, but I doubt it. The sooner he does whatever he needs to do and gets out of there, the sooner he’ll show up at my door. He’s looking forward to it even more than I am, he can’t wait to see my room, my life. Butterflies swarm in my stomach as I start my car and I’m counting the minutes until our eyes meet again.

7

Isaac

“Did she get there?”

“Isaac, this is the third time you’ve called. I said I’ll tell you right away.”

“She
should have been there like a half an hour ago. You should have tailed her from here.”

“No, that would have been way t
oo risky. She’s probably just stuck in traffic or maybe she went to the store or something.”

“She didn’t mention
that.” Where the hell is she?

“
It’s not like told her about the surveillance team anxiously awaiting her arrival. Her roommate has been gone for a week, dude. She probably wants some food in the house, or just to be outside. You practically live in a tent when you get done with these things.”

“Yeah.” I take a deep breath.
“That makes sense.”

“You told her you’d be there at nine, that gives her
over ten hours to kill. If you’re so worried just call her.”

“No
, that will look suspicious.”

“Isaac just get the hell out of there.”

“I need to finish faking this report.”

“
Finish it here. You’re going nuts. Just call him already.”

“Jace
, I know what I’m fucking doing, alright? Timing is everything and this needs to look natural.” I also need to dig through the rubble in that playroom again to make sure there’s no jewelry in there. Though the cleanup crew guys would probably just pocket it and not say anything. But really, I won’t be able to resist going over there if I’m right across the street.

“Look, I’ll cal
l you as soon as— wait a second,” Jace says. My heart starts to pound. “Yeah, that’s her. She’s here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep. And she’s carrying a grocery bag.”

“Put the phone up next to the audio feed.”

“Isaac…”

“Just fucking do it!”

He huffs and the line goes silent except for scuffling. I have to stop yelling at him, I need him on my side and not just for the money. The sound of her keys sliding into the lock are so clear. “Junior!” she squeals and the cat actually meows back. “Oh my God, I missed you so much.” Now there’s kissing noises. I wish I could see her.

Once the relief subsides, all I’m left with is the gnawing guilt. I’m
eavesdropping on her private reunion and she has no idea. So are two other guys. And when I hang up, they’ll be able to hear her and I won’t. My jealously rages.

“Are you satisfied?”

“Yes. That fucking video camera better be turned off.”

“I
told you that it is.”

“Okay, okay, sorry. You’re right, I can’t take this. Meet me at Sloane’s club in two hours.”

“There ya go. Get the hell out of there, man.”

My hands are shaking as I
set my phone on the table. I’m not ready to make the call yet, but I need to. This place is trashed. The bathroom mirror is all over the floor, the rug is stained with blood, the playroom is fucking obliterated, and both of the beds are covered in squirt, semen, and tears. That’s the only part that won’t look right, so I’ll have to wash the sheets.

I can’t fuck this up. Every single detail needs to be exactly right. Which is actually a pretty convenient distraction because the fact t
hat I’m still here and she’s not is unbearable, I can’t let myself think about it. But I don’t have the luxury of freaking the fuck out anymore, it’s a good thing I got it out of my system. I just wish I hadn’t used Maya’s body.

There’s no fucking way in hell I’ll make
it until nine before I need to check on her. She was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, but she is sore, I really fucked her up. That bruise at the base of her spine looks awful and it’s just going to get worse. It makes me fucking sick, I can’t believe I did that to her. But maybe it’s best we got it out of the way here, because it was inevitable. I am such a piece of shit.

This place needs to be spotless.
Each step is agony and my socks are soaked in blood, my shoulder screaming with every movement. As much as I try to ignore the pain, it’s slowing me down. Maybe I should have let her help me clean but I still can’t stand watching it. Hopefully it will be different when it’s not here. But speed cleaning is out of the question and this needs to be perfect, so I call Jace to tell him that I need more time. Maya is taking a nap and I resist the urge to ask him to let me listen to her breathe.

I thought it would be hard to leave her
e, but it’s not the same place without her. I should at least attempt to sleep for a few hours, but I can’t risk crashing. The sooner I get the hell out of here, the sooner I’ll see her face. But I can’t let myself get excited about that right now because I have to make one last very fucked up phone call.

“
Maya tapped out. I’ll email the report tonight.”

It sickens me how automatic the creep
y voice is, I wish I had to try. And I wish that I could say Maya wouldn’t recognize it, but after what I did to her yesterday, I can’t pretend that’s true anymore. It probably never was.

Alright, my shit’s packed up, the place is sparkling except for where I trashed it. All I have to do is walk out the door. It’s so weird to think that I’ll never be in one of these fucked up apartment
s ever again. Right as I’m about to turn the handle, my official phone vibrates in my pocket. That’s not good. Bile rises in my throat as I look at the screen. It’s my Dad.

“Isaac,” I answer.

“It’s about time. How’d it go?”

“She finally caved at three in the morning last night. Too bad she was handcuffed to the bench when she did it. I finished with her around nine.”

He snickers. I hate that sound so much. “Do you think she’ll be angry with Luke?”

“Oh, she will definitely be pissed off at him.”

“Why did it take so long?” Why the fuck does he care so much? I still don’t get it.

“She really wanted to make it, she was pretty close to the end. Sleep deprivation finally did the trick.”

“Huh. Maybe I should have taken her for a ride when he offered, obviously she can handle more than I thought.”

My head spins.
I will fucking kill you first
. “It’s never too late.”

“No, she’s not worth it. I want this little bitch out of my hair.”

“I did what I could without getting too messy. She really hates being called names, so I laid it on thick at the end. She was very upset when she walked out of here.”

“Good. What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.” But I can’t keep my voice steady and he knows something’s up. “Actually… I did it again. I trashed the place. I’ll pay for it.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s pretty bad.”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “I just let myself get too tired.”

“Isaac, if you’re taking stimulants again…”

“I’m sorry, I needed them. Like I said, sleep deprivation was the only thing I could think of. I’m not—”

“Just keep yourself together until Glory gets back. I spoke to her a few days ago. She’s very excited to have you home.”

“Me too.” It makes me think of Maya right away. I can’t stand it.

“Call her.”

“I will.”

“Where will you be?”

“I’m going to stay with Sloane until she gets back, she said she has a treat for me.”

“Well, get some rest first.
And take your time with the report, I don’t feel like dealing with Luke right now anyway. Maybe you should call him.”

Fuck
. “I will, but that’s probably not the best idea. He’s going to be pretty pissed off, too.”

“No, because he
won’t know what you did. Keep that to yourself.”

“I’m really crashing here, I need to sleep. What the hell time is it in France anyway?”

“Never mind, I’ll get someone else,” he snaps.

“Just give me a few hours.”

“No, you will mess it up because you are high right now.”

“I’m sorry, Dad.” He exhales loudly into the phone and I can’t tell if he’s pissed off at me or concerned. “What time is it in Tokyo?”

“Too fucking late for you to bother her.
Get some sleep.
”

My heartbeat thuds loudly in my ears and I am breathing way t
oo fast. I hope I didn’t fuck that up. Keep it together, you don’t have the luxury of losing your shit right now. I’m too exhausted to take anything. Maya is going to get a very disturbing phone call soon. If I move my ass, I might be there for it. I hope I coached her enough.

I don’t even turn around to take a
second glance. I don’t need to. This place doesn’t feel like home anymore because she’s not here.