Desire (20 page)

“You can have me,” she says flatly, slipping into that strange place she goes whenever she fucks someone.

I hate hearing that voice, it spikes my anxiety right away and I have to let her arm go. My heart is pounding so hard I think my head is going to explode. But she doesn’t see it, how can she not see it? Instead of comforting me, she slides her hand across my t-shirt. She gave it to me years ago, that’s why I wore it, that’s why it’s so tight now. She likes it. Me. I freeze up the way I did when I was younger and someone touched me. They didn’t have to restrain me because I couldn’t move. Her hand sinks lower and I choke for breath. Does she not notice or does she not even care?
Please don’t touch me
. But she does and I’m soft. It disgusts her. Maya wouldn’t care, Maya would have stopped pushing me a long time ago.

I see her
stormy blue eyes peeking out from under a curtain of her crazy hair and I snap out of it, slapping Glory’s hand away with a pitiful moan and flinging myself into the kitchen sink. I can’t puke right now, if she sees that it will shatter her pride and this is over. I turn on the water and splash it on my face, taking deep breaths so she thinks that’s why I ran over here. Maya would wrap her arm around me and kiss my shoulder. I can feel her little fingertips caressing my neck and hear her voice telling me that everything is going to be okay. I want to see her so badly, but I can’t. The sob that escapes my throat startles me as it echoes in the basin.

“Isaac
?” Glory whispers. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault
,” I say. It really isn’t. “Please don’t make me leave.”

“I won’t, I won’t,” she assures me, her voice shaking. Mom’s back, at least a little bit. “Honey, what the fuck happened to you?”

I sigh in relief and sink to the floor. At least she believes me, she even feels a little guilty. Now I just have to tell her that I need some rest and get through seeing my old room. But I can’t stop shaking and hearing that awful screaming and choking sound. She’s the only person I can tell and I just need to say it out loud. My eyes roll back and everything spins. Glory crouches in front of me, smart enough not to actually make contact even though she’s reaching for me.

“They killed her,” I rasp.

“What?” She sits crosslegged in front of me “Who?”

“Randi’s harem.” I start sobbing uncontrollably. “There was a girl.
She wouldn’t stop screaming and then she did, I didn’t get there fast enough. When I did, they asked me if I wanted a turn. I didn’t. She was limp and her lips were pale. Then the security team showed up and took her away.”

“When did this happen? Where?”

“A few weeks before Holly. At our house,” I croak. “His house. He sold it. Preston went away to college and he was going to assign me to Miranda, put me in charge of her boys.”

“Is that why you came here?”

“No. I moved out and asked you before I had any idea, I swear to God. I promise.” I lock eyes with her, pleading wordlessly for to believe me. “He came to see me on that last job. He was so pissed. He…” She won’t believe me, she never has. “They came back early from New Zealand because Taylor broke his leg, that’s when he told me.”

“He came to the apartment?”

“Yes.”

“Did he do anything to
your client?”

“No, he never has. I guess she was supposed to be a treat in that respect, but I was too fucked up to enjoy it.”

“And you’re sure about the other girl?”

“He told me that we didn’t have to worry about her saying anything because she never made it home.”

Glory shakes her head and stands up. “He was just fucking with you,” she says coldly. “You’re making yourself sick over nothing.”

“I’m not.
She wasn’t passed out. And they were just laughing.”

“Isaac!” she shouts. That’s my cue to shut the fuck up. “Stop talking about your father that way. He could never do that.”

“Okay,” I answer automatically. “You’re probably right.”

“But you a
re not going back there. Ever.” We’ve spoken these exact words a long time ago, the first time the truth was staring her in the face.

“I don’t want to.”

“We’ll work something out.” She walks out of the kitchen, leaving me shaking on the floor in front of the sink, just like she did back then.

“Thank you for letting me stay.”

“If I find out you’re sticking your dick in Sloane’s girls, you’re out of here,” she snaps.

I don’t get a chance to ask her if she’s heard we’re fighting before s
he disappears. Because that is what mothers do, one way or another. At least when they have a piece of shit like me for a son.

17

Maya

My heart
skips a beat when the important phone vibrates on my desk. He said that he wouldn’t be able to call tonight. Something went wrong.

“I have to log,” I say, ignoring the chorus of disappointed sighs
from my guild. “Isaac?” I whisper.

“Hi,” he croaks. This does not sound good.

“Are you alright?”

“Sort of. Nothing happened, it went okay.” What the hell would he sound like
if it had gone badly? “I just don’t want to be here. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too.”

His breathing is ragged into the phone. He’s raging or panicking or both. “It’s the bedroom, I think.”

“What, your room over there?”

“Yeah.” He sounds awful. My fingertips tingle, aching to touch him. “It’s exactly the same, she didn’t change anything. I pulled all the posters down. I used to have a lot too, but I actually was in high school,” he laughs shakily.

“You can’t leave, can you?”

“No. I want to, but it won’t look good. We sort of had a fight.”

“Oh.” He told me they fight a lot and it made me so jealous. Not
anymore. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes,” he chokes. “But I don’t want to upset you.”

“You can talk to me, baby. I won’t get upset. What did you fight about?”

“Sex.” Of all the answers he could have given me, that one was the worst
yet the least surprising.

“Did she come on to you?”

“Yes. And I had to lie to her, tell her I still wanted her. I don’t.”

“I know.”

“She got mad and walked out on me, but she said I could stay.”

That’s not all that happened, he’s leaving a lot out. I guess I should get used to it.
“Do you think she meant it?”

“Yeah.
It’s fine, don’t worry about it. That’s not why I called, I just needed to hear your voice.”

“It’s good to hear yours, too.”

“We never fucked in my room, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“You’re the one
who thinks about that stuff, not me.”

“There’s a playroom here,” he confesses. “It’s a huge house, I hate it.”

“I’m not crazy about big houses either. They aren’t cozy enough.”

“Are you going to be okay sleeping by yourself tonight?”

“I’ll be fine. Will you?”

“I don’t know.
I’m really pissed off and edgy right now.”

“Thanks for calling me. I was worried about you.”

“Don’t, I’m fine,” he lies. I don’t bother arguing with him. “I probably can’t see you for a week. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Isaac.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to sleep without you in my arms. I can’t stand being in this room.”

“Maybe you should redecorate this week. If it looks different, it might be easier.”

“She used to make me sleep here alone all the time, even when I was little.”

Little. Does that mean earlier than fourteen? He needs a distraction. “Do you have your
laptop with you?”

“Yeah. All my shit’s here, my father sent it over.
But I can’t open the boxes,” he whispers.

“But your
laptop is in your backpack, right?” He grunts affirmatively. “That was at my house. I left you a surprise on there.”

“It better not be pictures…”

“Of course not. It was hard to resist though.”

“I have some on a
flash drive for when I need to see your face. I left another one in the top drawer of your desk.”

“Aw, that was sweet,” I coo, kissing him through the phone. “Did you get your computer yet?”

“Yeah, it’s starting up now.”

“I installed my game. Even created a character for you.”

“But I didn’t sign up.”

“Trial account. Log on,
there’s a document with your username and password on the desktop. I’ll meet you.”

“Can we stay on the phone?”
His voice shaking and childlike. I want to be with him so fucking much right now.

“That’s up to you.”

“Stay. I want to hear you.”

“Okay.”

“Is that you?” he asks when my character kisses his.

“
Sure is.”

“How did you do that?
I want to kiss you back.”

“
Click on my portrait to target me and type forward slash ‘kiss’.” I hear him typing. “I got it!” I squeal.

We do that over and over until a
nearby player mocks us and Isaac tells him to go fuck himself. My little brother can see that I’m logged on a different character and wants to play with us. Isaac hesitates, but goes for it. We have a really great time. He sounds like a different person when we hang up hours later. But I can’t stop hearing his voice quake and crack in my head. Every time I close my eyes, I imagine him alone and awake in his bed. My room is eerily silent until I start sobbing.

*******
*

The last time I stood on this spot, I was a different person. It was only two and a half months ago, but it may as well have been a lifetime. The first few weeks of the year are always the best for people watching. Excitement clings to the air,
the entire atmosphere is full of hope and new possibilities. Especially for the freshmen. My eyes lock onto a frizzy haired, wide eyed girl that looks completely lost, clutching a fresh notebook to her chest. Just three years ago, I was her.

I was absolutely terrified on my first day, totally unsure how I would be able to navigate school life on my own. Pipe
r was so close, yet so far away. I thought it would be the end of us even though we lived together. I can’t believe that I’m a senior, that this is the last time I’ll feel this energy pulsing through campus. I’ll probably apply here for grad school, but it won’t be the same.

Isaac never got to experience
this. It’s just one more normal thing that he’ll never get to have, another reason to feel like he’s on the outside looking in. He called me this morning to wish me luck, informing me that he left a sealed tin of back to school cookies under my bed. No wonder Junior has been scuffling around under there so much, that mint scent drives her crazy.

It’s such
a perfect late summer day, so warm, breezy, and bright. Thankfully, not too warm, because though the bruises on my forearms are faint, they’re still obviously fingermarks. They’ll be gone by the time Isaac sees me.

I walk into my first class and take my seat. It
feels like everyone is staring at me, like they know I’m not what I seem. Sam smiles at me right away. Crap. Somehow I was able to trick myself into actually believing that he wouldn’t be here. And even if he was, that he’d ignore me instead of walking toward me like he is right now.
Sorry Isaac
.

“Hi, Maya,” he says, leaning against my desk.

“Hello Sam.”

“Did you have a nice summer?”

“It had its ups and downs. You?”

“It was rather uneventful.” He shrugs. I suppose this is my cue to say something because that’s how conversations work. “This would be a lot less awkward right now if you had taken my calls.”

“Probably,” I admit. “Sorry about that.”

“Did I upset you somehow?”

“No, it’s just… I…”

“Don’t want to sleep with me anymore?” he whispers
. “Yeah, I kind of got the hint.”

I sink my head into my hands, spreading my fingers around my eyes to peek at him laughing at me. Very mature. “It’s not that I don’t want to, you know…”

“You don’t have to explain.”

“No, I do. It’s not you, it’s…

“Don’t you dare say ‘me’. C’mon.”

“I don’t want to…
be a cheater anymore,” I whisper back. “That’s not who I am.”

“Oh.” He flops into the seat next to me. “Now that’s ironic.”

Sam never used to be judgmental. I hope he doesn’t start now. “It is?”

“Yes. Because the reason I called you more than a hundred times was to tell you that I don’t want to be a cheater, either. I’m seeing someone. Officially.”

“You are?” I say excitedly.

“I was hoping for at least a hint of disappointment or jealously, you know.”

“Sorry, but I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks.
Full disclosure, I was kind of seeing her all last semester, too.”

“Oh, really?
Now that does make me a little jealous.”

He flashes me a sly smile
, just a little too close to flirtation. “It wasn’t official or anything, but I guess it was a bit shady. She doesn’t know about us and I’d like to keep it that way. There’s no point hurting her now. Besides, she was the one dragging her feet.”

Poor
Sam. He feels guilty. “My lips are sealed, Sam. I’m not going to fuck this up for you. Does
she
have a name?”

“It’s Bridget. She’s a
junior. Engineering.”

“You and STEM chicks.”

“So I have a type. Sue me,” he laughs. “Speaking of lawyers, are you still ruining your life with that asshole?”

“
Maybe. It’s really complicated.”

“It always was.”

“Um, actually Sam…” How do I say this? “Luke knows about us. And we’re… sort of on a break. My choice, not his.”

“Good for you.”

“Thanks. But Sam that’s part of the reason I couldn’t answer your calls. He’s got a mean streak, to say the least. I don’t want to put you in his crosshairs.”

“Crosshairs? Just how mean is this streak?”

“To be honest, pretty fucking mean. Like, mean enough that I’m a little worried about you. So it would be best if we didn’t look too friendly, if you catch my drift.”

“Maya,
what are you saying? Is he threatening you?”

“It’s not your problem. Just do yourself a favor and stay away from me.”

“I was hoping that we could be real friends now.”

“Don’t you think that’s a little deceitful
?” I suggest. “To your girlfriend?”

“Yeah, I guess it is, isn’t it?” he says, looking down and fiddling with the spine of his notepad. “
Um, Maya… I’m sure there are services available to help students in abusive relationships. You should look into them, I’d hate to see your face on the news one night.”

“That’s not going to happen, it’s not that bad,” I lie. “I’m probably being paranoid. But for now, let’s just keep each other in the acquaintance zone, okay?”

“Alright. I should be used to you pushing me away by now.”

“
Sam, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine. There’s always next semester.
Wow, I guess that’s the last time I’ll be able to say that about you, huh?” he says, a little wistfully. “Just take care of yourself, okay?” He holds out his hand. I shake it, smiling at him.

“I will.”

Sam lingers for a few moments before nodding and grabbing a seat across the room. When I look toward the front of the class, my professor jerks his eyes away. Dr. Osbourne loves student gossip way more than he should, it’s hilarious really.

As the hour ticks by, I start to feel more and more like the old me. This used to be my entire life. Just numbers and theories, yes and no, black and white. Certainty. Logic. It’s incredibly complex, but it’s simple
too in its own beautiful way. Defined. Concrete. This entire summer has been anything but that. It’s so good to be back. I’m not a blubbering, emotional basket case here. I’m focused. Centered. Drama free, just the way I always liked it. A much needed a break from all the insanity. Yet, I can’t wait to tell Isaac about my first day. I’m counting the minutes. I hope he doesn’t take too long to call.

Did I
seriously
doodle hearts in the margin next to my notes? Geez. I’m fucking hopeless.

“Hold up a second, Maya,” Dr. Osbourne says as I
file out the door with the rest of my classmates. “I want to talk about your thesis.”

“Does that mean you’ll be my advisor?”

“Honestly, Maya, I’m not sure I’m the best choice for you. If you’re seriously considering law school, you should ask Dr. Dawson. She’s much more knowledgeable.”

“I’m
not seriously considering law school anymore.”

“Oh really?” He sits back in his chair. “I can’t say that I’m disappointed. It would be a waste of your potential.”

“I know.”

“But that’s not the reason, is it?”

“No,” I grumble. Raising his eyebrows, he gestures for me to continue. “It won’t make me happy. I was trying to be something I’m not.”

“Some
one
, Maya,” he corrects me. “I have to admit, I’m a little skeptical. You seemed rather determined.”