Desire Me Always (20 page)

Her hand fluttered against his chest as he trapped her between his body and the wall. “If you wanted to get my clothes off,” he said, “you needed only to ask, and I would be more than eager to comply.”

“Stop this instant. I feel terrible that you're bleeding at all.”

“I don't,” he said, his voice lowering. “In fact, I have no regrets.”

Amelia shook her head, ignoring his insinuating tone. “Let's get you upstairs.”

“If you say so.” He pulled away from her and let her lead the way. He wondered how long it would be before he got them both naked and in bed.

“W
e will be prepared for any scenario this time,” Nick said to Amelia. And she supposed he was right, considering a note had gone to the magistrate of Highgate two days ago.

She wasn't sure she believed Nick's way of thinking, but she would rather plan for the worst than face a situation they were not prepared to meet head on. At least he'd rested for nearly a week. She hoped that was enough to keep him going while they searched for Shauley.

Traffic was slow getting out of London's core, but they were on the road to Highgate all too soon for her liking. Huxley rode outside the carriage on horseback. He insisted they couldn't go alone, not after what had happened the last time.

Nick hadn't argued with his man of affairs. Amelia was thankful for the additional help. Nick insisted he was well enough to travel and to mete out whatever revenge he thought was needed, but Amelia didn't believe it for one second. She'd wished she had been able to delay him at home longer. But Nick had grown restless the longer he remained idle.

So she'd gone along with his mad plan, and she hoped she wouldn't regret it.

“He won't be expecting you,” Amelia said.

“Shauley or the vicar?”

“I imagine both.”

“I don't buy into Shauley's renewed sympathy toward me, sparing me the way he did. He was buying time, distracting us both.” Nick took her hand and squeezed it. “What I can't figure out is his purpose for doing so.”

“I know no more than you, Nick. He let us both walk away. He had an opportunity to kill either of us. Instead, he let us live.”

“Aside from saying he's gone bloody mad, I need to end that chapter in my life.”

“You haven't had a nightmare since you woke from your fever,” she said, her hand squeezing his ever so slightly.

Had he realized that?

“While I was in my fevered state, I felt like I cycled constantly through the past. Mostly the memory of the beating that left the scars on my back.”

Amelia rested her head on his good shoulder. She knew how hard it was for him to discuss what had happened while he was at the vicarage's school. So she let him talk without prompting him.

“They wanted to break me. They wanted my surrender.”

Amelia knew that was the reason he always had to be in control of a situation. Even when they made love, it was difficult for him to hand the reins to her, but he was getting better. Not that he had a lot of choice when his mobility was something of an issue. But letting her take control was also part of sharing in things equally.

“What do you want with the vicar? You've waited so long, Nick; it's hard for me to understand why you need to face him after all this time.”

“For a long time I was afraid of him. Afraid of what he'd almost made me beg for. Because even though he didn't realize it, Amelia, he did break me.”

She sat up and looked him in the eyes. “No one broke you, Nick. You, of all people, were made stronger by a horrible past.”

He let out a short laugh and focused his gaze out the window.

Placing her hand over his cheek, she forced him to turn to look at her again. “You are the strongest, kindest, most incredible person I have ever known. Those are
not
the qualities of a man who is shattered. You rose above that past and carved out a wonderful life for yourself and for those you have taken in, including me.”

“I can do all that and still have demons haunt me.”

“I know all too well about personal demons, Nick. I will never forget where I came from or what happened to me. But I can't focus on that. I have to move on if I want to grow as a person. I'm not suggesting you need to grow, but you do need to forgive and move on.”

“A man can only tolerate so much. What Shauley did to you was inexcusable and something I cannot ignore. We are heading back to Highgate to make things right, to make sure Shauley can never hurt another person.”

“I agree that he should be stopped. But at the same time, he gave me a second chance. I don't want to waste that chance by chasing after him.”

Even though that was precisely what they were doing. She had agreed to come with Nick because, despite the fact that she didn't completely agree with what he wanted to do, she would stand by him. She would always stand at his side as his partner, wife, and friend.

Amelia reminded herself for the millionth time that Huxley was close at hand and wouldn't go far from them. The magistrate for the district also promised a handful of good men on a moment's notice. They were better protected during this visit. They were ready for almost anything. Amelia looked skyward and sent up a short prayer, hoping she was right.

The one thing she had now that she hadn't had before was insight. Nick had opened up to her about his plans, and together, they'd gone over every logistical outcome and problem. Then they'd found solutions to all the possible problems that might come up. It had better be enough, because she couldn't face the prospect of nearly losing him again.

Still, she worried that he was so focused on rectifying all that had happened in the past few weeks that he was losing sight of what was really important. The school, building up this place outside of London, supporting families, and teaching children who might not otherwise have an education—those were more important than revenge, but until he saw that, she could not convince him otherwise.

While Amelia had long ago made peace with her upbringing and with the cruelty her brother had doled out, she knew every situation was different, depending on the individual. Nick would have to find that same place of peace she had. And that was something he would have to come to terms with on his own. But she would be there in any capacity he needed to find that peace. That was what you did for the person you loved.

Amelia was startled awake when they pulled to a stop. She lifted her head and looked at her husband. “I cannot believe I fell asleep.”

“You've run yourself ragged taking care of me.”

She wiped her eyes and looked out the window. They'd arrived at the same inn where they'd roomed prior to the last incident with Shauley.

The proprietor and his wife stood outside in the courtyard, waiting to greet them. As Nick took her hand so she could step down from the carriage, the innkeeper's wife said, “We have prepared our best room for you.”

“It's appreciated,” Nick said shortly, making Amelia cringe at the coldness of his voice. It was easy to forget how he treated everyone outside the trusted individuals he cared for.

Amelia approached the woman and took her hands between her own. “I'm happy you would have us again.”

“We all want to stop this madman. He's threatening our very livelihoods. He needs to be captured,” the proprietor said.

“I take it you are assisting the magistrate?” Nick asked.

The innkeeper nodded at Nick's query.

Nick nodded sharply before he took Amelia's arm to lead her inside.

We are here
, she wanted to say.
Now what?
Did they wait? Did they leave right away for the cabin? Anxiety built inside her. Making her hate this whole situation with renewed disgust.

Nick turned to her when they were in their room. “Dinner?”

“You're going to casually ask if I want dinner?”

“I am. Then I'm going to feed it to you,” he said with a hint of wickedness and suggestion in his comment.

“We came here with a task in mind. Are you trying to distract me?”

“That's very possible. You are tense, and we need to approach this with a clear mind.”

“I find it difficult to wait here casually when so many things can go wrong tomorrow.”

“I plan on visiting Brother John today,” he said, which was news to her. “We didn't come here to spend our time in leisure, but I do want some time alone with you before I leave.”

Amelia took off her bonnet and set it on the writing table by the window. She looked down at the courtyard. Huxley leaned against the wall at the front gate, hat tipped low over his brow, while he smoked a cigar. He would act as the first point of contact. As a guard to her if she left the inn.

“We already agreed I would attend the cabin with you. You cannot change the plan now that we are here.”

“That doesn't mean I won't try to convince you to stay behind. The thought of any danger coming to you pains me.”

“Brother John is no threat to me.”

“But Shauley is. And it is possible he is staying somewhere near that cabin. If he shows up again, he'll likely be less forgiving, and if he wants to hurt me, he'll go after you.”

“One worry at a time, love. We can't assume the worst. Not yet. Because it's like we are living in fear, allowing that man to rule our every action.”

Nick walked toward her—more like prowled and ready to pounce.

Amelia backed up. The back of her legs hit the desk, stalling any further escape.

“You have that look in your eyes,” she said, breathless from a mere glance. She wanted to pinch herself for being so easily distracted.

“What look is that?”

“The one telling me you want me in bed.”

He grinned and cocked an eyebrow. “It will prove to be a great distraction. It'll take our minds off the more pressing issues occupying our thoughts.”

He came closer. She had nowhere to go, so she put her hand out to stall him, but all that did was draw him harder into her touch. She spread her hand over the firmness of his chest; her palm rested over his heartbeat.

“As long as you don't use this as a distraction to leave me behind. I'll never forgive you if you do.”

Nick pulled one of her gloves off and let it fall between them. “I wouldn't think of it,” he said before sealing his mouth over hers.

T
rue to his word, Amelia accompanied Nick to the cabin, though he did grumble about it for a while, hoping she would change her mind. When he realized her mind was made, he gave in to her request, and Huxley argued that she should stay behind until she firmly told him it wasn't his choice.

His wife, a woman of her own mind, would not be deterred.

They'd taken their usual mounts from the stable hand, saddled, and rode off just after they'd had an early dinner. Huxley followed unobtrusively behind them as they rode deeper into the forest.

“Are you nervous?” Amelia asked him.

“No.” He was so close to finally facing his nightmares that he could taste it. And it tasted like victory.

Amelia was right; while revenge had been the only thing on his mind since the Murray lands had come up for sale, there was more happening here than that. He wasn't an optimistic person, but Amelia made him want to adopt the positive outlook she had on everything.

His leg bumped into hers every now and again, reminding him that there were more important things than revenge. Like Amelia. Her love. Her beauty that shone so bright on the outside it dulled the image of every other women he'd ever known. It also dulled the ugliness that had always been a part of his life.

“Have I told you how much I love you?” he asked.

She gave him a shy smile and looked at him through lowered lashes.

“You can never say it too often. I love you more than I can ever put in words, which means I'll just have to show you all the ways I love you every day,” she responded.

He stood in his stirrups and leaned toward her to kiss her on the lips. “If we were out riding for our own purpose, I'd haul you off that horse right now and take you on the ground.”

Her face flamed. “You can't say such things. Huxley is close behind.”

“That's the other reason I won't do exactly that.”

“Nick.” She pointed toward a grouping of trees.

“You, there! Halt!” Nick sat hard in his saddle and shouted after Brother John. He dug his heels into his mount, speeding up his horse, so the old man didn't try his disappearing act again.

He could hear the hooves of Amelia's horse not far behind him.

“Mr. Riley.” John set his basket down on a tree stump raised out of the ground. “Ah, Mrs. Riley. It's a pleasure to have your company again.”

“I'm not buying your act of contrition, old man,” Nick said before Amelia could respond.

“I'm not sure what you mean.”

“I asked you before, but you didn't answer honestly. Do you remember me?”

Brother John looked at Amelia.

“She's not going anywhere, monk. What you have to say can be said in her presence.”

A look of sadness washed over the old man's expression. “I remember them all, don't I?”

“Who are
them all
?” Nick asked.

“The boys. All of you.” His gaze glazed over and grew unfocused.

“Why do you still live here?”

John suddenly became attentive as he contemplated his answer. “The vicar's the last one.”

“The last what?” Nick asked, confused.

“The last of the old parish. The last of those who used God's name for evil.”

That was not the answer Nick had expected. “Where is he?”

“The vicar?”

Nick nodded; Amelia stayed silent at his side. “And Shauley,” he said.

“Shauley? You mean Michael? I haven't seen him for some time. He used to sit with the vicar for hours at a time.”

“For what purpose?” Nick swung his leg over the horse and jumped off the animal. He wanted to be on even ground as he looked Brother John in the eye.

Brother John lifted his basket. “Walk an old man home, Mr. Riley. I think we have a lot to discuss.”

Nick held his horse's reins up to Amelia, which she took without comment.

“I'll humor you, but you better have the answers I need. I won't play your games. Not another goddamn day of games from you and your followers.” Nick arched his arm in the direction from which he and Amelia had come. “I have men in the wood, ready to step in if something untoward should come about.”