Desired and Dominated (34 page)

She throws herself on me, begging for mercy. “Please forgive me, Master. You have to forgive me.” I stroke my hand up and down her back, trying to calm her, but I’m devastatingly aware of how she’s changed since the last time I touched her. I can feel her spine and her ribs protruding, her skin tight rather than soft. She never had an ounce of fat on her to start with, but now, she’s almost emaciated. I can’t believe I didn’t know. I hold her, unable to speak. Can I forgive her for trying to end her own life? Her life means more to me than anything else in the vast universe that surrounds us, and she tried to end it, as if it meant nothing, less than nothing.

“Don’t call me Master.” It’s all I can manage. I can’t unburden my fears and concerns on her, she’s not strong enough to handle it, and I wouldn’t want her to hear the conflicting emotions that are battling in my head right now. I’m so relieved that she’s here in my arms, and that she’s still breathing; that’s she’s still part of this world. But, I’m so fucking angry with her, and I can’t let her get even a hint that I feel this way. It would be selfish of me, and I won’t make this any harder on her than it already is.

“Thank you for coming. I didn’t know if you would.”

I hold her tighter, wishing that she could see what I see in her, what I love with every fiber of my being. “Don’t you know by now? I would travel to the ends of the earth and beyond for you. When are you going to understand that I love you…unconditionally? You’re everything to me, and when I thought I might lose you…God, my world just fell apart. I can’t lose you. It took me a lifetime to find you, and even longer to make you mine. Please don’t give up on me.”

She’s crying uncontrollably now, as if she’s in physical pain, and all I can do is cling to her, hoping that my presence will bring her some small amount of comfort. I crawl up onto the bed beside her, and lift her into my arms, cradling her in my lap as I’ve done so many times before, but this time it’s different. It doesn’t feel the same. I don’t feel the same.

I’ve always felt like Sofia’s protector, her guardian angel if you will, although I couldn’t be further from an angel. I’ve always believed that I could keep her safe from anything and anyone that might hurt her. Even when I let myself lose control with her, I was still in control of everything else around us. Now, I’m questioning everything we’ve ever shared together. I thought she trusted me, I thought she felt the same way about me as I do about her. I couldn’t hurt her like that. I couldn’t leave her behind to deal with such an insurmountable loss. I would never be that selfish. I thought I knew her, but at least the last three months of our relationship have been a lie. Every word spoken between us, was…meaningless, and I didn’t see it; I had no idea.

I’m ashamed to have ever called myself her Master. I knew she deserved better, and maybe if I had been selfless enough to let her go and find it, this wouldn’t have happened. I’ve been lax with her because I love her so much, but in the end, I’ve hurt her more than any punishment ever could.

“Nate, I…I don’t know what to say. No apology could ever be enough for what I’ve done.”

“I have to know. Why didn’t you talk to me? What’s been going on with you? I thought you understood what I expected of you as my submissive. You should have come to me with whatever has been troubling you.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you. Telling you would have made it real.”

“What? I need to know.”

Tears begin to well in her eyes again as she finally opens up to me. “It started with my injury in Prague.”

“Fucking hell, Sofia! Has our entire relationship been a lie?” The look of shock on her face makes me realize what an asshole I am. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared and worried because I care. I won’t interrupt you again. Go on.”

She takes a deep breath before continuing.

“When I left you to go back on tour, my injury wasn’t as healed as I hoped it would be, but I couldn’t bear to be away from dancing any longer than I had already been, so I hid the pain from the physio and the doctor. I kept taking the painkillers to get me through each show. After a while, they stopped working so well, and I upped the number of pills I was taking. I started visiting doctors in every city we performed in, getting more and more pills to keep me going. At some point, I couldn’t stop taking them. I danced through the pain, night after night, and by the time I got back to my hotel I was practically crawling to the bed, the pain was so bad. I couldn’t give it up, Nate. Ballet is my life.”

I grip her hand, horrified and heartbroken by her admission.

“Two weeks after you left Paris, I went on stage like any other night. I thought the painkillers were working; I leapt into the air, and when I landed on my ankle, the impact…” she struggles to say the words, “it ended my career.”

“Sofia…”

“I had surgery to repair the damage, but the best they could do was to make sure I don’t walk with a limp. The doctor said if I continue to dance, I’ll be in a wheelchair within a year.”

I can’t believe she’s been dealing with this on her own. Her life crashing down around her, and she’s been shouldering the burden by herself all this time.

“I was in the hospital physio facility for weeks after the operation, until I could walk well enough to look after myself. The ballet company had already left for the next city, and I was so lost, Nate. I was in denial. I didn’t want to face up to what was happening to me. The longer it went on, the harder it became for me to tell you. The pain was crushing me, and to say it out loud…I just couldn’t.” She wipes her tears away with the back of her hand, her eyes bloodshot and swollen. “The pain in my ankle was excruciating, and I kept taking the pain meds, more often than I was supposed to. It got to the point where I couldn’t leave my hotel room, I didn’t want to face going back to New York and explaining to everyone that my lifelong dream has been burned to ash. In the end, I couldn’t bear to hear your voice.”

Her words cut me like a blade.

“It was too painful. I love you so much, and I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to tell you. I felt like there was no way out, no way to get back to the life I had, the life we shared together. I took too many tablets. I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, Nate. It was a mistake. I’m so sorry.”

I want to believe her. I want to believe her so badly. “Are you telling me the truth? I need to know. If you tried to end your life, I
need
to know.”

She can’t look me in the eye when she answers, “I’m telling the truth” and there’s my answer. She’s still lying to me. I hang my head, floundering in the dark, not knowing what to do or say for the best, and then Campbell’s words replay in my head. Sometimes you need to do what’s best for someone, even if they hate you for it.

“You’re lying to me. You’ve
been
lying to me for months. I want to be with you, Sof, but if you refuse to be honest with me, to be honest with yourself, then we need to end this now.” It seems like a heartless thing to say, but I’m clinging to the hope that her love for me is strong enough to force her to face up to what’s happened. To what she did.

“I can’t lose you.”

“Then tell me the truth. Did you try to kill yourself?”

“Yes.” That single, solitary word, destroys me; my soul shattering into a million pieces.

“Why?”

“Because without ballet, I’m nothing. I’m worthless.”

“Don’t
ever
say that to me again. I know you’ve lost something that you love, something that has defined you up until this point in your life, but to say that you are nothing without it, that you’re worthless - is an insult. I love you, Sofia. More than I have ever loved anyone. Don’t you see? You could never be worthless, when you’re priceless to me. There are so many people who love you, who would have been devastated if you had succeeded in ending your life.” Saying the words make me feel sick to my stomach. I can’t even contemplate a reality in which she didn’t survive.

“How can I make it right?”

“It’s not about making it right. It’s about learning your own worth. Learning to love yourself. Knowing that you are important, that you are loved. I would have been here in a heartbeat, if only you had let me in. You didn’t have to go through this alone. No one should have to deal with what you’ve gone through in the past few months, completely alone. You’re one of the strongest women I know, but everyone, and I mean
everyone
, including me, has their limits. You may see me as strong, but if I’d lost you, it would have been more than I could bear. I
need
you. If I haven’t shown you that, then I am truly sorry, and I will spend every day of the rest of my life, making sure you know it, in your heart and in your soul.”

She moves to kiss me, but stops short, almost nervous of my reaction. “I need you, too. I’m so sorry I pushed you away.”

“Promise me you’ll talk to me from now on?”

“I promise.”

I lower my lips to hers, a chaste kiss, filled with all of my love and devotion. “I love you, Sofia. I love you. I love you.” We stay in each other’s arms, silently clinging to the hope that we can make it through this, together.

After a few hours together, I tell her that Simon is here in Budapest, but that he doesn’t know what happened. She’s angry at first, but I know I did the right thing telling him to come. She’s scared of how he’ll react. How do you tell the brother you look up to, that you idolize, something like this? She’s not strong enough to do it, and if I’m ever going to be worthy of the title ‘Master’ again, then I need to step up and do what needs to be done.

“I’m going to tell him tonight. Then, he can come and see you tomorrow and you can talk.”

“What if he hates me when he finds out?”

“That will never happen. He loves you. He flew halfway around the world to be by your side. You need the love and support of your family. We have a long road ahead of us. You have to get through rehab and…”

She cuts me off. “I’m
not
going to rehab.”

“It’s not up for debate. The doctor says you need it, and I agree. You need counselling, and a chance at a clean slate. Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re a drug addict.” She starts to argue, but I’m not interested in her excuses. “Sofia, this is a hard limit for me. You have to go to rehab. I’ll take you back to the States, and you can go to a facility in New York where I can visit you every day. I’ve seen firsthand what addiction does to people, and I vowed never to have that in my life. My dad was a dealer. There was a constant stream of junkies on our doorstep, looking for their next fix. I was six years old the first time I saw someone overdose. It was brutal, and sad, and I can’t ever let that happen to you. My dad left when I was 8, and my mom ended up dating half his customers. The only saving grace was that she never started using. Addiction ruins people’s lives. It ruined my childhood, and I won’t sit back and let it ruin your life. You’re going to rehab and that’s the end of it. Do you understand me?”

“Yes. I didn’t know.”

“How could you? I never told you. I’ve never told anyone. I just need you to know that I can’t watch you destroy yourself like this.”

“I’ll go to rehab. I’ll do anything to get my life back, to get back what we have.”

“Good girl. I’ll talk to the doctors and find out when I can take you home. In the meantime, you need to rest, and I need to go and speak to Simon. I’ll bring him by in the morning.” I kiss her forehead. “And, don’t worry. He loves you, almost as much as I do. He just wants to see that you’re okay, and be here for you if you need him.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it, Sof. He loves you so much. He could never hate you. Now, get some rest, it’s late. I’ll be back first thing.” I have to force myself to walk away, to leave her, when everything inside of me wants to stay by her side, to never let her out of my sight again. But, I need to go and speak to Simon, and I already know that it’s going to be one of the toughest conversations of my life.

“You’re wrong. She would never do that. You must be mistaken.”

He’s distraught, devastated, and completely confused by my revelations.

“I wish I was wrong. I really fucking wish this was all a big mistake, but it’s not. Sofia tried to kill herself, Si. She’s been lying to everyone including me for months now.”

I explain to him about her injury, the painkillers, the gradual addiction, and finally, the fall that ended her career. He breaks down, one of the strongest men I know, absolutely crushed, stricken with grief. It’s hard to see him like this, but I’m right there with him, desperate to understand.