Desired and Dominated (38 page)

I realized after that night, that I was still harboring so much anger and animosity towards her for having such a lack of regard for her own life, and that punishing her like that again, was a bad idea. I was harsh with her that first night, probably more so than I have ever been, and that’s not who I am, and I won’t be changed into someone and something that I’m not.

Pretty soon after that, Sofia started to act out in the playroom, which she’s never done before. Sure, she has a fiery, headstrong personality, but that has never carried into a scene with us. She was always a perfect submissive in that setting, so I knew there was something wrong, something different, when she started acting out, begging for more whipping, more paddling, and every time she wanted it harder and harder. Initially, my reaction was to really punish her for her disobedience, as a deterrent. I figured that when she felt the sting of a harsh punishment, she would change her behavior, but she didn’t; she loved it, she thrived on it. Physical pain was no longer a punishment for her, so I decided that I would have to gain her obedience in other ways. She has always been fueled by pleasure; both giving and receiving it. It’s what makes us so compatible. To deny her that, is the ultimate punishment. That has been my tactic with her over the past few weeks, but she’s not responding in the way I had hoped she would.

I feel like I’m right back where I started when I arrived in Budapest. She won’t talk to me, about anything. She’s withdrawn, and she doesn’t react to me in the same way that she used to. I can see in her eyes that she resents me, but I can’t give in to her. I did that before, and she almost died.

A lot of Dominants would punish her, harder and harder until she bled, and they would continue to do so until she understood that pain isn’t the answer, but I can’t do that to her. She’s been through so much in recent months, and to put her body through that, to intentionally cause her unbearable pain…I just can’t.

Domination isn’t about reveling in inflicting pain on a woman, at least, it never has been for me. My delight comes from walking the fine line between pleasure and pain with Sofia. I want her to have complete faith in me, to trust that I will navigate that line with delicate precision. I would
never
hurt her. I want to help her push the boundaries, to explore the extreme heights of her own sexuality, which in turn fulfills my own desires.

What she’s asking of me now is
not
what BDSM is about for me. She hates herself, for reasons that I don’t understand, and that she doesn’t trust me enough to share with me. She wants me to punish her, to hurt her, really hurt her; not in the pursuit of pleasure, but because she wants me to do her dirty work for her. She wants me to be the blade she uses to cut herself; to cause pain that will distract her from the real issues in her life. I refuse to be her tool of choice for self-harming, but I don’t know how to move forward with her.

I have to go back to work today, and it’ll be the first time I’ve left Sofia since she got out of rehab. I’m apprehensive about leaving her, but at the same time, I’m relieved that I have an excuse. A reason to take some time out and regroup. Work will be a welcome distraction from everything that’s going on at home. The boys have finally finished up their tour, and are back in New York, ready to start work on some new songs. I need to get their schedules organized and tie up all the loose ends from the tour, making sure that everything ran smoothly while I was gone. I feel terrible that I had to leave them on the final leg, but Sofia was more important.

When I get to the office, not only do I have all of the paperwork to deal with for Flaming Embers, but I now have a ton of demos from new bands to get through. Apparently, now that artists have heard I represent the boys, they are desperate to be my next signing. It’s amazing for my relatively small label, but also a little overwhelming with everything else going on right now, but at least this is something I can control, so I throw myself into it, and barely stop to eat or drink all day.

It feels good to be back doing what I love, and I actually think I might have found my next band. They’re currently out in L.A. but don’t seem to have any luck meeting the right people, or having the right person see them perform. Hopefully when things settle down here, I can make a trip out there to meet them and see if they’d be a good fit for the label.

Usually when I come across a great demo, I take it to Cube and get Si to blast it through the sound system. It helps me visualize what I could do with them, and where I could help them improve. Plus, it’s always good to have someone else listen to it and give an opinion, and considering Simon runs some of the best nightclubs in Manhattan, he tends to know what people are listening to. Just another reminder of how fucked up my life is.

I’ve tried to get in touch with him, not for my sake, but for Sofia’s. She’s hurting without him, and she really took his words to heart. I know that deep down, he doesn’t really think she’s sick or twisted. He just doesn’t understand and he’s fiercely protective of her. The problem is, that she believes him. If he says she’s wrong for wanting to submit to me, and for wanting to explore the boundaries of her sexuality, then on some level, she believes it.

I’m going to have to make it right for her, but this time, I’m not walking away, and if he thinks that’s the solution, then he can fuck off. I’ve been through too much with her to walk away now. He’s the one that should be ashamed of himself, the way he reacted. I know it’s a shock, and if it was up to me, I wouldn’t have told him, because it’s none of his business, but it’s out there now, and I’m the one that’ll need to man up and get them talking again. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to do that, and it’s pretty low on my priority list right now, so he can stay mad, or disgusted, or whatever the hell he is, until I’m damn well ready to deal with him.

By 7 o’clock, not only am I starving, but I’m really missing Sofia. I thought I needed space when I left the apartment today, but turns out, she still enchants me, even when we’re going through a tough time. I pull out my phone and try to call her, but get her voicemail, so I decide to leave her a message, telling her exactly what I’m going to do to her when I get home.

I can’t keep waiting for her to open up to me, because the longer I wait, the further away she seems to get. Tonight, I’m going to take back my submissive, in every way imaginable. I’m going to flog her, spank her, kiss every delectable inch of her body, and then I’m going to fuck her. It’s not going to be gentle, or filled with whispered sweet nothings. It’ll be hard and raw, and she’s going to feel it for days afterwards. There will be no holding back tonight; I need to see her falling apart for me, crashing over the edge into the blissful ecstasy of her release, over and over until she’s hoarse from screaming my name.

I’m most definitely done working for the day. Now, I need to get back to my apartment, to Sofia, to the playroom.

The lights are off and the apartment is silent when I get home. I don’t think anything of it at first, assuming that Sofia is taking a nap in the bedroom. With my mind set on seducing her tonight, I kick off my shoes, throw my jacket over the back of the couch, and make my way down the hall to wake my girl in the most enticing way I can think off, but when I open the door to my room, a sliver of light streams in from the hall, and I can see straight away that she’s not in here.

I check the bathroom, before heading out to the guest room. It’s been a while since she slept in there, her nightmares getting the better of her when she sleeps alone. I couldn’t stand knowing she was down the hall from me, and not in my bed where she belonged, so it wasn’t really a decision so much as a necessity when I lifted her from her bed, and took her into my room. Ever since then, she sleeps with her body wrapped around mine; right where I need her to be.

When I find the guest room empty, an uneasy churning feeling takes up residence in my stomach. I move from room to room, checking and hoping to find her, but she’s nowhere to be found. I pull my phone from my back pocket – no messages. I quickly dial her number and wait impatiently to hear her voice. She doesn’t pick up, and I’m really starting to worry. The last time she stopped answering the phone to me, she…I can’t even think it. She wouldn’t do that to me. Not again. She’s been making progress, no matter how small, it’s still a move in the right direction.

Simon wouldn’t answer my calls even if I tried to speak to him, so I’m left with the prospect of calling her parents, or calling Jess. I don’t want to worry anyone if there’s a simple explanation. She could have gone to the market to get food for dinner, or she could be meeting someone for coffee, and she can’t hear her phone. I’m sure she’ll be back soon. I may as well grab a shower and wait for her.

I only last an hour before I’m really starting to worry. She never mentioned that she was going out, and she hasn’t been out alone since she got back from rehab. I know she’s a grown woman, and can come and go as she pleases, but it’s not like her. She would drop me a text to let me know where she is, and that she’s okay. I guess nothing about her behavior has been ‘like her’ recently.

I pull on a pair of Cons, grab my keys, and head out to look for her, starting with the concierge downstairs.

“She left a couple of hours ago, Mr. Callaghan. She had a bag with her, big enough for a change of clothes, but no more. She didn’t look very happy. I asked her if she was okay, but I don’t think she even heard me. I’m pretty sure the valet got her a cab, so you could ask him. He might know where she was headed.”

I thank him for his suggestion and make my way outside to find the valet.

“I only started my shift an hour ago. The guy that was here already left for the night. Sorry.”

Fuck. I have no idea where to begin. We’ve spent so little time together in New York, it’s not like we have very many regular haunts that I could check. The last time we spent a few weeks together here, she was injured. We basically moved between her place, mine, and Andromeda. I can’t believe I never thought of it; she’s probably at her place. She still has most of her clothes there, and all of her home comforts.

I jump in a cab and head for her apartment. I don’t have a key, but her doorman knows me well enough to let me in without disturbing her. My phone starts ringing and I’m scrambling to get it out of my pocket, anxious to talk to Sofia, but when I see the screen, I’m totally deflated. It’s the club. I don’t have time for them just now, I need to find Sofia. I send it to voicemail just as we pull up in front of her building. I throw some bills at the driver, my focus solely on getting to her as quickly as possible.

As I stride through the lobby towards the elevators, the doorman calls after me. “She’s not here, Mr. Callaghan. She hasn’t been here in months. I thought she was with you.”

“Shit! Where the fuck is she?” I can feel the panic building as I contemplate the numerous scenarios that involve her leaving me, or worse, trying to finish what she started in Budapest. I try calling again, but it goes straight to voicemail…again.

“Baby, when you get this, call me back. I need to know you’re safe.”

As soon as I hang up, I decide it’s time to call Jess.

“Hi Nate. I’m sorry sweetie, but Si doesn’t want to speak to you.”

“I don’t give a fuck about him right now. I mean…fuck it. I don’t have time for this. Have you seen Sofia?”

“Not since we were at your apartment.” And then it dawns on her. “What’s going on?” Her voice sounds panicked. “What happened? Is she okay?” She loves Sofia, and I know that she’s been worried about her.

“Honestly, Jess. I don’t know. Things have been so strained between us ever since she got out of rehab. Even before that. From one day to the next I don’t know whether she’s happy or sad, or whether things are good between us or not. I thought we were moving forward, but I came home tonight and there’s no sign of her. I’ve left her messages, and had no reply. She wasn’t at her apartment, and I don’t know where to start looking.”

“What about places that she used to dance? Maybe she would go to one of them to think, to try and process everything?”

“Yeah, maybe. It’s a start. I don’t have any other ideas.”

“Do you want us to help you look? I can call Si. I know things are shit between you at the moment, but he still loves Sofia…and you.”

“Give me half an hour. If I haven’t found her by then, I’ll call Brandon and you can get Si involved. I don’t want to worry everyone if she’s just disappeared off shopping and got her phone on silent.”

“Fair enough. Half an hour. Let me know the minute you find her.”