Desired and Dominated (42 page)

I watch as her tears become a steady stream, dripping down her cheeks and into her lap. She makes no move to wipe them, holding her position with her hands clasped so tightly that her knuckles are white. I want so badly to caress my thumbs across her soft cheeks, and kiss away every one of her tears, but I have to stop myself.

“Tell me that you understand what I’m saying, Nyx. That whatever I say from here on out, whatever punishment I see fit, you understand that I love you, that I will always love you, that you are mine and only mine, not out of obligation, but because I
want
you to be.” She remains still. “Say the words. I want to hear you say them.”

“I understand, Master Callaghan.” Her words are broken, thick with tears, and I don’t know if she believes a word I’ve said, but if I say it enough, I’m hoping that it will sink in.

I stand from the table, leaving the empty plates behind and make my way over to the living room. “Come and assume your position at my feet.”

She knows exactly what to do, and she does it with practiced elegance. She may not dance anymore, but to me, every move of her body is an ethereal dance, a joy to watch. The way her limbs glide across the floor with a flow and sensuality that she can’t even see; it’s endearing. I sit back in the chair and watch as she stops in front of me, her toes mere inches from my own as she removes her top, folds it, and places it on the arm of the chair next to me. I usually reserve this position for the playroom, and ask that she wear only her bra and panties, but today, she isn’t wearing a bra underneath the t-shirt she slept in. I watch her intently as she pulls down her shorts, revealing her lack of panties. There is nothing sexual in her movements, she is simply carrying out my request, folding the shorts and placing them carefully with her t-shirt.

I harden involuntarily at the sight of her. None of this is for my sexual gratification, or hers, but rather as an exercise in complete submission. For me, it will be a test of my willpower. Every inch of her flesh is on display, and I have to force myself to look away. I’m so conflicted by desire and disappointment. Images of her with me, tainted by the memory of her betrayal. She falls to her knees, clasping her hands behind her back and dropping her head. She has assumed her position at my feet. Submissive to her Master. I give her a moment to calm herself; to find her center before I speak.

“Now that you’re ready, it’s time to discuss what happened last night.” I can see her body visibly react to my words. Her muscles tense and her jawline tightens. She’s worried. “I am so angry, Nyx. I can’t even begin to express the gravity of how I felt walking into Marco’s playroom.” I feel my own body tense at the memory, my fists tightening, remembering the moment that they connected with his face. “Look at me when I tell you this.” Her gaze slowly lifts until our eyes meet. “You disrespected me, in the worst possible way. You broke my trust. I have never had a submissive treat me with such contempt, and it will
never
happen again. If it was anyone but you, this relationship would be over. I need to know why. Why did you go to him? Why didn’t you come to me?”

She sits for a moment, before she gains the courage to speak, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to hear the answer. “Master Callaghan, I’m not sure if my explanation will make this any better, or if I really know the reason behind what happened. I’ve been feeling so lost in my own life. I hate that I can’t dance anymore; I’m angry and sad, and depressed. I don’t know how to channel what I’m feeling, and ever since my injury, I’ve had so much time to wallow in my own thoughts, it’s all been coming back to me. The nightmares about what happened when I was younger are worse than ever. I don’t know what to do with that. I thought that if I threw myself into our lifestyle, it would help alleviate it in some way.”

She quietens down, and I know I have to ask the question again. “Why did you go to Marco?”

Her voice is barely a whisper as she speaks. “Because he knows what happened, and I knew he would give me what I asked for. I couldn’t come to you. You didn’t want to punish me hard, Master.”

I can’t even look at her. I am seething with rage. “You never gave me the chance to understand, and to give you what you needed. You didn’t trust that maybe, just maybe, I know what you need and that’s why I
didn’t
punish you to the extent you wanted. I’m the one that decides, me and only me. If you disagree with my decisions, then you speak to me. Under NO circumstances do you EVER go to another Dominant and ask them to touch you. Your body is mine and mine alone. It is for me to touch and taste and punish as I see fit. Seeing you like that…knowing that he restrained you.”

I need a moment to calm down; my anger threatening to overwhelm me.

“I’m so sorry, Master. I told him I wouldn’t do anything sexual with him. Only the punishments.”

“DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK UNTIL I TELL YOU TO! You haven’t earned that right. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, Master Callaghan.”

“How dare you try and justify your actions. Every aspect of our lifestyle is sacred to me. Letting him touch you, even in punishment, is as bad as letting him fuck you. Confiding in him instead of me, and going behind my back, is as bad as fucking him. YOU RIPPED MY FUCKING HEART OUT, SOFIA!”

Her hands shoot up to cover her mouth and hold in the sobs that are wrestling to break free.

“Get your hands behind your back, now.” My tone is cold, devoid of any emotion, because if I let myself feel - I’m going to explode.

I stand from the chair, and walk around her, pacing the room as I decide what’s next. Her eyes follow my every move, but I can’t stand it.

“Don’t look at me. I can’t stand the sight of you, and I don’t want your eyes on me. I don’t want to see your shame.” She sobs quietly as I continue to pace, trying to work off some of my pent up aggression and frustration.

“Answer me this. If you walked into my playroom and found me whipping another submissive, would you be okay with it? Or would it feel like a betrayal? Think long and hard before you answer me, Nyx, because you obviously didn’t think about me yesterday.”

She answers immediately. “I would be devastated, Master. I would feel betrayed.” Her words don’t give me any comfort in my absolute despair.

“Devastated doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel. I’ve loved you every day since the moment we met, I fought against it for as long as I could, and when I finally gave in, when I decided that I had to have you, no matter the cost, I thought that you felt the same. I thought that we were in this together. You are the love of my life, and I can’t equate what happened, with me being the love of yours. If I was, you never would have done that.” The silence in the room is deafening as I struggle to put into words, what I’m thinking and feeling. “I’ve lain awake more nights than I can count, asking myself if I’m worthy of you, if I’m man enough to be the Master that you want; that you need. Even before you…before Budapest. And every night since then, I’ve been questioning where I went wrong. What I could have done to help you, what I could have done to love you more; to show you; to make you understand that a world without you in it, wouldn’t be any kind of world for me. All this time, I knew you were holding back, but I never thought for a moment, that you would hide something of this magnitude, something so fundamental to the way I would have handled you as my submissive. I know you said you didn’t want me to look at you differently, but that just shows your lack of faith in me, in us. If you don’t know by now that I will love you, no matter what, until I take my last breath, then I haven’t done a very good job of loving you, and I have most definitely failed you as your Master, in so many ways.”

I scrub my hands over my face, my eyes tired and blurry from lack of sleep. I can barely see straight, and my limbs suddenly feel like lead as I walk across the room. I drop back down into the seat in front of Sofia, defeated and exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I let myself sit for a few minutes, garnering whatever strength I can muster, to finish our conversation.

“I won’t walk away from you. I promised you that I wouldn’t, and I stand by that, but it’s going to be a hard road back to having any form of trust in you. It’s going to take a while for me to be able to look at you and not see you shackled by him. We have so much to work through, so much we need to talk about, and if you can’t do that, if you can’t put your faith in me and let me work out a way to help you, and to help us, then you need to walk away. You need to stand up right now, get dressed, and leave. It’s your decision. I love you. I always have, and I always will, but I can’t fight for us on my own. You need to fight
with
me, and if you can’t do that, if you can’t promise me that you will
never
try to find solace in another man’s arms again, then we’re done. There’s no hope left. It’s fight or flight, Nyx. Which will it be?”

“Fight. I want to fight for us, Master Callaghan. I love you, and I promise I will never let another man touch me. My body, my mind, my heart and soul, belong to you and only you. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if you’ll let me.”

“Very well. I guess I’ll have to take you at your word. Now, here are some new rules for you. If and when we return to the playroom, you will continue to present yourself as you did before, in your bra and panties. You are my gift to unwrap, and that is for my pleasure, not yours. If I ask you to assume your position anywhere outside of the playroom, then this is how you will present yourself to me. Naked. Not for my sexual pleasure, although I will never be able to look at your body without appreciating its beauty; you will be naked so that you remember that there can be nothing that you hide from me. You must be completely open and honest with me. Your nakedness will be an outward symbol of this. You will learn to be comfortable baring yourself to me in every way. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Master Callaghan.”

“Also, you will not touch yourself unless I expressly tell you to. All of your pleasure is mine. I’ve been lenient up until now, my judgement clouded by my love and desire for you, but I see now, that it wasn’t good for you. You need to learn your place, and until you prove to me that I can trust you; until I feel that you’ve earned your orgasm, I will not touch you, and you will not touch yourself. Understood?”

“Yes, Master Callaghan.”

I couldn’t touch her, even if I wanted to. The mere idea of it stirring up so much resentment inside of me. I want so badly to erase his touch from her skin, to stake my claim on every inch of her body, but I am repulsed at the thought of how freely she gave away what was mine and mine alone. I have to choke past the lump in my throat to get through the rest of our conversation.

“Do you have anything else you want to say at this point? Anything else I need to know?”

She reaches out to touch me, with tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was being selfish, and I’m so, so sorry.”

I push her hands off of my legs. “Don’t touch me. Don’t move your hands without permission, and always address me as Master Callaghan until you earn the right to call me anything else.” I hate that her touch makes me angry. It’s always been a soothing balm to my inner turmoil, but the moment her skin made contact with mine, I could see her with him. “You will remain naked until I tell you otherwise. You will remain here until I return. Maybe it will give you some time to really think about what I’ve said, and about the decision you made yesterday. I love you, but I can’t be in the same room as you right now, because the disappointment is crushing me.” I stand and leave her, naked, crying, and alone in the silence of the living room.

To an outsider looking in, I’m a total bastard for the way I’ve just treated her; the woman I love. But, what they don’t understand, is that Sofia
needs
to be treated like this. She needs to feel punished, because it lets her know that I care. It gives her structure, and rules, and boundaries. I thought that being lenient after rehab was the right thing to do, but I was wrong. That’s when she needed me to step up and be her Master in every aspect of her life. This is all on me, and I hate myself for it. I hate that I let her down, I hate that I can’t stand to look at her, and I hate that I can’t pull her into my arms and make love to her, and tell her how sorry I am that I didn’t know her when she was young, and couldn’t be there to protect her from him. I hate that I have to be cold with her, but it’s for her own good, and mine.

I’m so full of anger and rage and the deepest disappointment. I need to work through that and find my way back to her, and hope that I can help her find her way back to me in the process.