Desolate Souls (Forgotten Souls MC, #1) (22 page)

"Sex trafficking?" I ask, finally finding my voice. "You killed somebody?" I have known Paul for a very long time and have never seen this side of him and for the first time ever, I am actually afraid of the man sitting in front of me.

A panicked look crosses his face momentarily, quickly being replaced with one of despair. "Alana," my name escapes his lips as a mere whisper, pleading with me to understand.

Swallowing hard, I fight the tears burning the back of my eyes. "You were going to sell me?" Saying the words aloud makes them sound even worse and suddenly everything begins to make sense. The man I have trusted with everything that I am has been lying to me from the beginning and I was too blind to see it.

"No! That's what Hawk wanted, not me! I fought for you, protected you, and made you mine. That night was about setting you free. Taking you away from this life and us starting over, just you and me. That's why I roofied you, so you would be safe."

I begin to tremble as tears stream down my face, no longer unable to contain my emotions. "So you drugged me?” I ask in disbelief. “I don't know who you are anymore."

"It's still me, Alana. I'm Paul, the guy who took you in when you had no one. The person you confided your deepest, darkest secrets in. The man who risked everything to protect you."

Lifting my eyes to meet his, I finally see him for the person he really is. Using the back of my hand, I roughly wipe the tears from my face, replacing the hurt with anger. "The same man that convinced me to sell myself," I say through clenched teeth. "I always blamed Phil Martin for destroying me, but I was wrong. It was you. At least with Phil, I knew I was looking into the eyes of the devil. But you... you disguised yourself, pretended to my friend so you could have your way. All those years, you told me what a piece of shit he was for doing those things to me, but you two are one in the same.”

"I am nothing like my father!" Paul shouts as I rise from my seat.

My heart stops beating, my legs becoming jelly as I meet his gaze. His father? I am no longer trembling, I am shaking with fear, shocked by his admission. This can't be happening.

"I'm nothing like my father," he whispers, his eyes filling with tears as he looks up at me with pleading eyes.

I can no longer bear looking at the man I thought I could trust. Everything was nothing but a lie. "I fuckin' hate you," I whisper before turning on my heel and rushing towards the exit, wanting to put as much distance between myself and him as possible.

Stepping out the front door of the detention center, every single emotion I have been holding back escapes as I drop to my knees on the sidewalk. All these years, I put my faith and trust into Paul and in one brief moment, it all came crashing down. I cared for him, even loved him and thought he would never betray me. I was a fool.

"Lana baby, please don't cry." Just the sound of Jax's voice makes me begin to sob uncontrollably. "I'm so sorry," he whispers as he pulls me into his arms, holding me tightly to him, trying to console me.

I know in this moment that Jax knew everything. He knew and yet he didn't try to warn me. I want to be angry with him, but I can't. He has never hidden the fact that he didn't trust Paul, and now I understand why. Even if he had told me, I would have refused to believe him because I trusted Paul. I never thought he would let me down. "H-how l-long h-have y-you kn-known?" I brokenly ask, barely able to form a coherent sentence.

"Not long," he admits, never releasing his hold on me.

"W-why d-didn't y-you t-tell m-me?" I stammer.

"It's hard to accept the truth when lies are exactly what you want to hear. You had to see it, hear it for yourself to know it was real."

His words couldn't be truer, proving that even after all of these years, Jax still knows me. Even so, it doesn't mean I can trust him. If I have learned anything from this, it's that I am alone in this world. I can only depend on myself and can never rely on anyone else. I can never put my heart on the line again because I won't survive it. I'll never be able to forget the pain Paul has caused me, but I can pretend.

"It only hurts when you start pretending it doesn't,” Jax says, clearly reading my mind. “You aren’t alone Alana, and never will be again.” The words escape his lips with ease, a vow I want so badly to believe, but can’t. “To you, they are just words, but to me they are a promise, one that I will never break. I know it’s gonna take time for you to trust again, but I’ll wait.”

“Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep,” I say, cringing as I repeat the same words Paul uttered moments ago.

He rises to his feet, taking me with him until we are both standing. Turning me to face him, his thumbs brush the remnants of tears that still remain on my cheeks. “After all this time and everything we have been through, do you know why I am still here?” he asks, his eyes boring into my soul. When I shake my head, he smiles warmly at me. “Because when love is true, it waits. And my love for you Lana, is unending.”

The pain and sorrow I felt only moments ago is temporarily replaced with the love I have always had for Jackson Cade, his words ringing in my ears. To love someone means losing them and I cannot bear to lose any more in my life.

––––––––

A
s the cell door slams shut behind me, I slowly make my way across the tiny room, taking a seat on the wall mounted cot that has become my bed. “What have I done?” I ask aloud, already knowing the answer. I managed to destroy two lives in a matter of seconds, although the process took years to achieve.

She was within arm’s reach, right in front of me. If not for the cuffs that bound my wrists, I could have extended my hand and touched her flawless skin. If I close my eyes, I can actually feel her skin beneath my fingertips and smell her scent as it wafts in the air surrounding me.

Opening my eyes, I stare at the concrete wall that confines me to this place, separating me from the future that was within my grasp.
She didn’t know.
I saw the confusion in her eyes, followed by the pain. Agony I caused her, never to be forgiven or forgotten.

My mistake was assuming that Jax had told her everything. I was so certain he would, but I underestimated my opponent once again. When I finally realized it, it was too late. I will never be able to erase that image, nor will I be able to forgive myself for everything I have done. If I could go back in time, I would do things differently, but that isn’t an option.

Laying back on the cot, I stare at the ceiling, feeling as though my life is over. In fact it is, because without Alana, life has no meaning. Nothing was worth losing her for, yet that is exactly what has happened, and all because of two people - Phil Martin and Hawk. When I escaped my father’s reign of terror, I had believed it was for the better. In hindsight, I had walked from one horrendous situation into another. In the beginning, I was nothing more than a pawn of Hawk’s, manipulated to go to whatever lengths necessary to survive. When I discovered the truth, instead of walking away, I chose to stay, partnering with a man who was no better than my own father.

“I always blamed Phil Martin for destroying me, but I was wrong. It was you.” 

––––––––

I
did destroy her, slowly and deliberately, and I took pleasure in doing so.

“At least with Phil, I knew I was looking into the eyes of the devil. But you... you disguised yourself, pretended to my friend all so you could have your way.”

Her words cut me to the core. I am nothing like Phil Martin. He was a cruel man, incapable of love. I loved Alana and still do. I should have told her, not just in passing, but truly expressed to her how I felt. Love is a word she has always shied away from because of her past, a word that in her eyes means loss, not gain. I could have changed that by stating three simple words and showing her it could be different.

It would have been easier if Jax had ended my life.  I know he wanted to. I was certain I was staring death in the face, was even prepared for it, but instead of following through, he lowered his pistol and allowed the cops to move in. That was his mistake, one that he will soon regret.

I won’t let Alana go. She is mine and always will be. All she needs is some time. I know if I can get her alone, explain everything to her, she will forgive me, and then we can have the life we were meant to have, the one we will have.

It won’t happen now. It may even take years, but one day, Alana Jacobs will be in my arms again, and when she is, I am never letting her go.

One Month Later

“H
ey stranger,” Alexis says, grinning widely as I take a seat at the bar. Turning around, she retrieves a beer from the cooler, sliding it over to me, the smile on her face still present.

“You seem awfully happy for someone who has been on her feet all night,” I observe. “What gives?” Alexis is one of the only women aside from Alana that I actually enjoy talking to.

“I think it’s cute how you come in here every night to see Alana. Reminds me of Rick in the beginning.”

Spyder has been in love with Alexis forever, but he had been her friend first. He wasn’t willing to jeopardize their friendship to pursue something more. After Peyton was born and her boyfriend abandoned them, Spyder stepped up and was there for the both of them. It took time, but eventually Alexis realized what everyone around her had been seeing for years. The two of them were destined to be together, and they’ve been happy ever since.

“I take it Alana’s already left for the night,” I say before taking a long draw from my beer.

“Left a few minutes ago.”

“Where’s Spyder?”

“He took Peyton to a baseball game,” she smiles, her eyes filled with love for the two most important people in her life. Leaning over the bar, the smile on her face vanishes and she lowers her voice. “Can we talk?”

“Sure,” I shrug before downing the remainder of my beer. “What about?”

“Alana,” she whispers, looking around the room. “I’m worried about her.”

Alexis is one of the few who knows the truth about Paul, mostly because of Spyder’s big mouth. She is also very observant and good at reading people. “What have you seen?”

“It’s not so much what I’ve seen as it is what I feel,” she says with concern etching her face.

“Explain,” I urge, trusting her insight. Unlike most of the women I know, Alexis is genuine and actually cares about Alana, even considers her a friend. 

“I found this,” she says, laying a folded stack of papers on the bar.

“You went through her things?” I ask in disbelief. I’ve never known Alexis to be this way and it surprises me that she would even consider it.

“Of course not!” she says, taking offense to my accusation. “She must’ve dropped it on her way out. I just picked them up and looked to see who it belonged to, but then I saw what it was and...” her voice trails off.

I stare down at the papers, my gut telling me this is wrong on so many levels.

“You need to look at them,” Alexis says, sliding the paperwork closer to me.

Hesitantly my hand reaches out, grasping the papers tightly in my hand. Slowly, I unfold the stack, seeing letter after letter from Paul. I read over each one, the first written the day she visited him.