Diary of a Wimpy Kid (6 page)

[Image: A cartoon showing a teacher covering up the map.] The Caption reads: "Nice catch, patty!"

So thanks to Patty, I ended up flunking the quiz. And I will definitely be looking for a way to pay her back for that one.

95

Thursday

Tonight Mom came up to my room, and she had a flyer in her hand. As soon as I saw it, I knew EXACTLY what it was.

It was an announcement that the school is having tryouts for a winter play. Man, I should have thrown that thing out when I saw it on the kitchen table.

I BEGGED her not to make me sign up. Those school plays are always musicals, and the last thing I need is to have to sing a solo in front of the whole school.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy making a request to his mother.]

But all my begging seemed to do was make Mom more sure I should do it.

96

Mom said the only way I was going to be "well-rounded" was by trying different things.

Dad came in my room to see what was going on. I told Dad that Mom was making me sign up for the school play, and that if I had to start going to play practices, it would totally mess up my weight-lifting schedule.

I knew that would make Dad take my side. Dad and Mom argued for a few minutes, but Dad was no match for Mom.

[Image: A cartoon showing mom and dad arguing.]

So that means tomorrow I've got to audition for the school play.

Friday

The play they're doing this year is "The Wizard of Oz." A lot of kids came wearing costumes for the parts they were trying out for.

97

I've never even seen the movie, so for me, it was like walking into a freak show.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy in a play.]

Mrs. Norton, the music director, made everyone sing "My Country 'Tis of Thee" so she could hear our singing voices. I did my singing tryouts with a bunch of other boys whose moms made them come, too. I tried to sing as quietly as possible, but of course I got singled out, anyway.

[Image: A cartoon showing boys lined up for singing.] The Caption reads: " What a lovely soprano!"

98

I have no idea what a "soprano" is, but from the way some of the girls were giggling, I knew it wasn't a good thing.

Tryouts went on forever. The grand finale came with auditions for Dorothy, who I guess is the lead character in the play.

And who should try out first but Patty Farrell.

[Image: A cartoon showing a girl singing.] The Caption reads: " Tap Tap Tap

Tap Tap Tap"

I thought about trying out for the part of the Witch, because I heard that in the play, the Witch does all sorts of mean things to Dorothy.

But then somebody told me there's a Good Witch and a Bad Witch, and with my luck, I'd end up getting picked to be the good one.

99

Monday

I was hoping Mrs. Norton would just cut me from the play, but today she said that everyone who tried out is going to get a part. So lucky me.

Mrs. Norton showed "The Wizard of Oz" movie so everyone would know the story. I was trying to figure out what part I should play, but pretty much every character has to sing or dance at one point or another. But about halfway through the movie, I figured out what part I wanted to sign up for. I'm going to sign up to be a Tree, because 1) they don't have to sing and 2) they get to bean Dorothy with apples.

[Image: A cartoon showing children with trees.]

100

Getting to peg Patty Farrell with apples in front of a live audience would be my dream come true. I may actually have to thank Mom for making me do this play once it's all over.

After the movie ended, I signed up to be a Tree. Unfortunately, a bunch of other guys had the same idea as me, so I guess there are a lot of guys who have a bone to pick with Patty Farrell.

Wednesday

Well, like Mom always says, be careful what you wish for. I got picked to be a Tree, but I don't know if that's such a good thing. The Tree costumes don't actually have arm holes, so I guess that rules out any apple-throwing.

[Image: A cartoon showing trees.]

101

I should probably feel lucky that I got a speaking part at all. They had too many kids trying out, and not enough roles, so they had to start making up characters.

Rodney James tried out to be the Tin Man, but he got stuck with being the Shrub.

[Image: A cartoon showing a man dressed as a shrub.]

Friday

Remember how I said I was lucky to get a speaking part? Well, today I found out I only have one line in the whole play. I say it when Dorothy picks an apple off my branch.

[Image: a girl with a tree.] The Caption reads: "Ouch. Pluck"

102

That means I have to go to a two-hour practice every day just so I can say one stupid word.

I'm starting to think Rodney James got a better deal as the Shrub. He found a way to sneak a video game into his costume, and I'll bet that really makes the time go by.

[Image: A cartoon showing a man dressed as a shrub.] The Caption reads: " Beep Boop Beep Boop"

So now I'm trying to think of ways to get Mrs. Norton to kick me out of the play. But when you only have one word to say, it's really hard to mess up your lines.

[Image: A cartoon showing a girl with a tree.] The Caption reads: " Owwwchhh?

Pluck"

103

DECEMBER

Thursday

The play is only a couple of days away, and I have no idea how we're going to pull this thing off.

First of all, nobody has bothered to learn their lines, and that's all Mrs. Norton's fault.

During rehearsal, Mrs. Norton whispers everyone's lines to them from the side of the stage.

[Image: A cartoon showing a play going on.] The Caption reads: " I'll get you, my pretty!

I get that you're pretty!"

I wonder how it's going to go next Tuesday when Mrs. Norton is sitting at her piano thirty feet away.

104

Another thing that's screwing everything up is that Mrs. Norton keeps adding new scenes and new characters.

Yesterday, she brought in this first-grader to play Dorothy's dog, Toto. But today, the kid's mom came in and said she wanted her child to walk around on two legs, because crawling around on all fours would be too "degrading."

[Image: A cartoon showing a kid with his mom.]

So now we've got a dog that's gonna be walking around on his hind legs for the whole show.

But the worst change is that Mrs. Norton actually wrote a song that us TREES have to sing. She said everyone "deserves" a chance to sing in the play.

105

So today we spent an hour learning the worst song that's ever been written.

[Image: A cartoon showing trees.] The Caption reads: " We three trees..."

Thank God Rodrick won't be in the audience to see me humiliate myself. Mrs. Norton said the play is going to be a "semiformal occasion," and I know there's no way Rodrick is going to wear a tie for a middle school play.

But today wasn't all bad. Toward the end of practice, Archie Kelly tripped over Rodney James and chipped his tooth because he couldn't stick his arms out to break his fall.

106

[Image: A cartoon showing tree falling on the shrub.] The Caption reads: " Gaah!"

So the good news is, they're letting us Trees carve out arm holes for the performance.

Tuesday

Tonight was the big school production of "The Wizard of Oz." The first sign that things were not going to go well happened before the play even started.

I was peeking through the curtain to check out how many people showed up to see the play, and guess who was standing right up front? My brother Rodrick, wearing a clip-on tie.

[Image: A cartoon showing a boy.]

107

He must have found out I was singing, and he couldn't resist the chance to see me embarrass myself.

The play was supposed to start at 8:00, but it got delayed because Rodney James had stage fright.

You'd figure that someone whose job it was to sit on the stage and do nothing could just suck it up for one performance. But Rodney wouldn't budge, and eventually, his mom had to carry him off.

[Image: A cartoon showing a tree, a shrub and Mrs. Norton.]

The play finally got started around 8:30. Nobody could remember their lines, just like I predicted, but Mrs. Norton kept things moving along with her piano.

108

The kid who played Toto brought a stool and a pile of comic books onto the stage, and that totally ruined the whole "dog" effect.

[Image: A cartoon showing a play going on.]

When it was time for the forest scene, me and the other Trees hopped into our positions. The curtains rose, and when they did, I heard Manny's voice.

[Image: A cartoon showing people watching the play.] The Caption reads: " Bubby!"

109

Great. I have been able to keep that nickname quiet for five years, and now all of the sudden the whole town knew it. I could feel about 300 pairs of eyeballs pointed my way.

So I did some quick ad-libbing and I was able to deflect the embarrassment over to Archie Kelly.

[Image: A cartoon showing one tree falling down.] The Caption reads: " I think you dropped an apple, "bubby."

But the major embarrassment was still on the way. When I heard Mrs. Norton playing the first few bars of "We Three Trees," I felt my stomach jump.

I looked out at the audience, and I noticed Rodrick was holding a video camera.

110

I knew that if I sang the song and Rodrick recorded it, he would keep the tape forever and use it to humiliate me for the rest of my life.

I didn't know what to do, so when the time came to start singing, I just kept my mouth shut.

[Image: A cartoon showing three trees.] The Caption reads: " We three trees from yonder glen..."

For a few seconds there, things went OK. I figured that if I didn't technically sing the song, then Rodrick wouldn't have anything to hold over my head. But after a few seconds, the other Trees noticed I wasn't singing.

111

I guess they must've thought I knew something that they didn't, so they stopped singing, too.

[Image: A cartoon showing three trees.] The Caption reads: " Do spy a maiden

Fair and sweet..."

Now the three of us were just standing there, not saying a word. Mrs. Norton must have thought we forgot the words to the song, because she came over to the side of the stage and whispered the rest of the lyrics to us.

[Image: A cartoon showing three trees and Mrs. Norton.] The Caption reads: " Whilst we are rooted to our spots, she doth move on lighter feet..."

112

The song is only about three minutes long, but to me it felt like an hour and a half. I was just praying the curtains would go down so we could hop off the stage.

That's when I noticed Patty Farrell standing in the wings. And if looks could kill, us Trees would be dead. She probably thought we were ruining her chances of making it to Broadway or something.

[Image: A cartoon showing a girl peeping from behind the curtain.]

Seeing Patty standing there reminded me why I singed up to be a Tree in the first place.

[Image: A cartoon showing a girl looking at the trees.] The Caption reads: " Clonk"

113

Pretty soon, the rest of the Trees started throwing apples, too. I think Toto even got in on the act.