Diary of a Wimpy Vampire (9 page)

If you ask me, we’re much more likely to draw attention to ourselves by living in a semi-detached house. If someone with better hearing than Mr Perkins ever moves in next door, they might wonder why we stay awake all night every night.

W
EDNESDAY
2
ND
M
ARCH

We had a lesson about food chains in Science this morning, and it was one of those occasions where I have to keep quiet even though I know the teacher is wrong. Mrs Jones claimed that humans are ‘apex predators’ because they reside at the top of their food chain. I know this is nonsense because vampires feed on them, so we’re the ones who really sit at the top of the food chain. But I managed to keep quiet as she spewed out the misinformation.

I’m still off PE on Wednesday afternoons on account of my imaginary bad back. Whenever I walk past Mr Jenkins he really glares at me to see if I’m ill. I know he can’t wait for me to go back to his stupid lessons so he can find some new way of humiliating me.

Usually, when I’m feeling angry about a human, I just remind myself that they’ll get old and die one day, and then I begin to feel sorry for them. Not in the case of Mr Jenkins, though. I can feel no pity whatsoever for that fiend.

T
HURSDAY
3
RD
M
ARCH

We had an assembly about global warming today. Apparently, the polar ice caps are melting, and everywhere will be underwater soon. Mrs Maguire kept going on about how we mustn’t leave our TVs on standby to save the planet. Why should she care? She’ll be dead by then. How does she think I feel? I’m immortal, and I’ll be around to see the whole stupid thing. And the worst thing is, I hate swimming.

I wouldn’t mind spending eternity on a watery planet with Chloe, though. We could live on a mountain together, and feed on the people swimming past. It would be really romantic.

This afternoon we had fire alarm practice, and Craig sent all the younger pupils into a frenzy by pretending it was a real fire. I got told off by Mr Morris for not being quick enough, but I didn’t care. A real fire wouldn’t do me any lasting damage anyway, unless somebody accidentally chopped my head off in the panic.

F
RIDAY
4
TH
M
ARCH

I spent today avoiding Craig because he was showing off his new camera phone and I’m under strict instructions to stay away from cameras.

The idea that vampires don’t show up in photographs is just another silly myth, of course. But like many of these misconceptions, it has a basis in truth. Vampires have to stay out of photographs because they make it obvious that we don’t age. The last thing you want is for someone to produce a photo of you looking exactly the same twenty years ago.

This is more of a problem for Mum and Dad, as their vampire beauty draws attention even if they’re in the very background of a shot. Whereas I’m so instantly forgettable you could live next door to me for years without noticing that I’ve always been fifteen.

Overall, we’ve been quite good at avoiding photos over the years, but every day it gets harder to duck out of the way of digital cameras, speed cameras and CCTV. The only bright side is that our mantelpiece isn’t cluttered with embarrassing childhood snaps.

S
ATURDAY
5
TH
M
ARCH

Mum is upset with Dad because he never uses the mobile phone she bought him. I told her not to buy it, as he always mistrusts new technology. He wouldn’t even buy us a washing machine until about twenty years after everyone else had one because he thought it would shrink his capes.

Mum says that she just wants to be able to ring him and make sure that he’s safe, but I don’t know what she thinks is going to happen to him. Unless he falls heart-first onto an upright wooden stake, I doubt he’ll be in too much danger.

An update regarding the stupidity of my sister:
She has announced that she no longer wishes to kill animals for their blood, and will now only consume the blood of animals that have died by accident. Again, she has said she wants to do this on ‘ethical grounds’.

For once, my parents drew a line at her idiocy and refused to cave in.

They explained that the blood of dead animals would be stale and make her poorly. And how did she react to this sensible advice? By kicking a hole in the kitchen door and stomping off to her room, of course.

I have to say I’m surprised that they finally put their foot down with her. I expected them to indulge her until it got to the point where she refused to drink anything except the sap of plants.

S
UNDAY
6
TH
M
ARCH

12
PM

I have come up with a new plan to make Chloe fancy me. I shall work out at the gym until I force my body to unleash its vampire strength. I’m off to the leisure centre right now to put my scheme into action.

5
PM

Well, that was a massive waste of time. When I got to the gym, I put the weights machine on the highest setting and settled down for a gruelling workout. After a couple of fruitless attempts to move the bars I was ready to abandon my plan and go home. Unfortunately, an assistant who looked like the missing link between Neanderthal man and PE teacher stood behind the machine and offered to ‘spot’ me. He did this by decreasing the load one level at a time and shouting ‘You can do it!’

He was wrong. I couldn’t do it. Even when the machine was on the lowest setting, I couldn’t do it. I thanked Missing Link for his help and made my shameful exit. Once again, I have my uncooperative body to blame for a humiliating day.

M
ONDAY
7
TH
M
ARCH

Today we had dental checks in the sports hall. I tried to get out of mine by showing the nurse how strong my teeth were, but she wasn’t letting anyone off. I think they’re trying to catch all the kids whose parents let them have fizzy drinks and sweets.

I was really fretting that my fangs would shame me by extending while the dentist was examining my teeth. To keep them under control, I took a long sniff of the bins they throw the lunch leftovers in, and made sure I was as far away as possible in the queue from Chloe.

In the end, it wasn’t a problem. The dentist said my teeth were the strongest and whitest he’d ever seen, although you could tell he was confused by how cold I was.

He then spent about half an hour looking at Wayne’s mouth and tutting. I’m glad I don’t have crisps and fizzy drinks every break like him. Say what you like about human blood, but at least it’s natural. What comes out of the vein goes straight down my throat with no additives, colourings or preservatives. I’m quite a health buff when I think about it.

T
UESDAY
8
TH
M
ARCH

12
:
20
PM

Chloe is reading an anthology of Romantic poetry, which contains some by a vampire Dad used to be friends with called Lord Byron. If only she would put the book down and realize that there’s someone every bit as brooding and dangerous as Byron right in front of her. And I can also write powerful poetry, just like him.

Why can’t Chloe see that I’m just her type?

9
PM

Craig has a pair of Nike trainers that are black with a black swoosh, so he can get away with wearing them as school shoes. Craig always gets loads of cool stuff because his parents are divorced.

Tonight I asked Dad if I could have a pair, and he said no. I can’t believe how tight he is considering his wealth. He always says that we’ll draw too much attention to ourselves if we spend lots of money. What he fails to understand is that in this day and age, buying expensive trainers is normal. It’s wearing scuffed old school shoes that’s abnormal now. Social services would take me away if they saw the rags I’m forced to wear.

If he doesn’t buy me some cooler clothes soon, I’ll get teased for having fleas like Darren and nobody will ever sit next to me again.

W
EDNESDAY
9
TH
M
ARCH

Everyone was sniggering and looking at me in expectation as I sat down in Maths this morning. It took me a while to realize that Craig had put a drawing pin on my chair. I had to pretend it hurt just to get them to stop looking at me and move on to the next victim.

In the library at lunchtime, Chloe asked me what my political views were, but I couldn’t think of any. I remember Mr Morris once saying that vampires are capitalists or capitalists are vampires or something, so I said I was a capitalist. Chloe didn’t seem very impressed. I think I need to find a more interesting ‘ist’.

On TV tonight there was a murder mystery set in the twenties, but they didn’t get many details right. The vast majority of us didn’t ponce around in country houses waiting to be murdered by butlers, we just got on with our lives. Although there was less technology, life wasn’t that different really. Declaring your love to a girl is just as difficult whether you do it by hand-written letter or email, and my sister is just as annoying whether she’s learning the Charleston or hip-hop dancing.

I’ve just had a strange thought. The twenties will be coming back round again soon! Mum and Dad must be used to this kind of thing now, but I’m not even 100 yet, so it’s all still a novelty to me.

T
HURSDAY
10
TH
M
ARCH

8
AM

Mum has washed my school shirt with one of Dad’s capes and it’s turned pink! I told her that the red lining of his capes would ruin everything, but she wouldn’t listen. She wanted me to wear one of Dad’s shirts to school, but they’ve all got ridiculous frilly bits. I’m not going to school dressed as Duran Duran!