Different Senses (52 page)

“That bastard. That sodding,
unreasoning piece of shit!”

Mahre’s eyebrows rose to his
hairline. “Sergeant?”

I told him what I knew, and
what Ursemin had admitted. Mahre shook his head when I finished.
“Cursed insanity. And you had no idea.”

“None. Not until I made him
confess when we got back to Hegal. I gave him time to come to you
himself, but instead....”

“He did a runner. Then I guess
I close the files and tell the prosecutor to drop the charges
against Benay. I can’t force an extradition from Kelon over
something this minor. All I can do is flag the system for when they
return.”

“Which they won’t.”

“Which they won’t,” he agreed.
“Something of a shock for you, and a disappointment.”

“He played me.”

“He played a lot of
people.”

“Yeah. Want me to make an
official statement?”

“No point. I’ll make a note on
the case files and if they ever come back to Uterden, then we’ll
call you in. Otherwise, chalk it up to experience and get on with
your life.”

In a way, the two of them had
saved me from what I’d dreaded, but they’d only done it by
accident. I knew my welfare and feelings weren’t even on the list
of things Ursemin had considered as he beat a hasty retreat.

And Tushar?

My silent phone was my answer.
He could have sent a message before he left, or as he left. He
hadn’t. I’d been a lovesick fool, and got all I deserved.

I went to the office. The kids
weren’t there. Madan had sent them out to do research and a few
errands. “I thought you might prefer some privacy. It was on the
news channel an hour or so ago. You didn’t see it?”

“No.” I hadn’t been in the mood
to look at the media feed because I knew it was bound to mention
Tushar. “So it’s all over.”

“I guess. Will you be all
right?”

I snorted. “This isn’t even the
tenth worse thing to ever happen to me. About time I got back to
some real work. So, what’s in the morning’s messages?”

Concentrating on the backlog
worked surprisingly well as a distraction, and so long as I didn’t
stop to think about anything else, I was okay. Prachi’s sympathetic
look when she returned nearly did me in, though.

“Okay, guys,” I said. “Just to
clear the air. Yeah, I’m angry and I’m upset. I’ll live. You don’t
have to dance around me and avoid using the T word, but I’d
appreciate it if you didn’t hum any of his songs for a few days,
and um...well, that’s it.”

“If people ask about it?”

“Tell them it’s none of their
business. Or send them to me so I can tell them. Do you want to ask
anything about it?”

“How could he just leave? Did
he care about you at all?” Prachi asked quietly. “Or was it all an
act?”

I had to take a deep breath
before I could answer. “I don’t know for sure, and I’ll never know
now. I’m as confused as you are, if it’s any consolation.”

“He seemed such a good man,”
Vik murmured. “I liked him.”

“Everyone liked him. There was
a lot to like. For the sake of the Nihan, maybe it’s better people
are left to believe that.”

“Believe in a lie?” Prachi
said.

“Not really a lie. Anything
else? Okay, then back to work, and hopefully, back to normal as
soon as we can do it.”

I sent everyone home at five,
despite their attempts to linger and cosset me. “No, I don’t need
help, or watching. Go home and study if you’re so eager to keep
working,” I told Vik. “And Madan, your wife deserves to see you
before dark once in a while.”

“Why? She already knows what I
look like.”

“Shoo. See you all
tomorrow.”

The office fell silent. I
should have gone home too, but facing Tara’s sympathy without Yashi
being there to take the edge off, was more than my cowardly self
could bear. Instead, I read reports on the media feed,
masochistically digesting the breathless commentary about Tushar’s
sudden move to Kelon, and the pride in the homegrown talent who’d
made it big. Ironically, he had. No one could take anything away
from his achievements as an artist. The fact that one Kelon
ex-lover would never be able to hear his music again without dying
a little inside, was neither here nor there.

The office door opened. “Sorry,
we’re closed...oh. Shardul.”

He leaned elegantly on the
doorframe, backlit by the street lights. “Still at work, Javen? You
should have gone home an hour ago.”

“Then why are you here?”

He folded his arms. “Because I
knew you would be, and I thought you might like to go out for a
drink.”

“So you can be snide at
me?”

“I’m off the clock. I’m only
snide during office hours.”

I snorted. “Sure. Yeah, why
not? I have stuff to tell you.”

“As do I.”

“Fine. You're driving.”

I waited until we were in a
small tavern in the heart of old Hegal that Shardul had never taken
me to before, but which he clearly knew well. He ordered beer for
me, juice for himself, then looked at me expectantly. “How much do
you know?” I asked.

“Only that Tushar and his
manager have gone to Kelon to pursue greater things. I deduced this
came as a surprise to you since you didn’t mention it at the
festival.”

“Good deduction. But there’s a
lot more you don’t know.”

I told him all of it, then sat
back. “Okay, that’s your cue. Say it.”

“What?”

“‘I told you so.’”

“I would if I had told you
everything I knew. Javen, I owe you an apology. A lot of this is my
fault.”

This was the last thing I
expected him to say. “You put Ursemin up to this?”

“No, not my fault in that way,
though I’m not as surprised as you apparently were. I did, er, try
to warn you.”

“Yeah, you did. It’s freaking
me out that you’re not rubbing my nose in it.”

“Nice to know you think so
highly of me.” I made a rude noise and ignored this nonsense. “It’s
my fault because I never told you the truth about nulls. Or rather,
what I know about them, which may or may not be the truth.”

“I’m going to need a stronger
drink if you keep talking like that.” I took a long swallow of my
beer. “Well? Are they pathological liars or something?”

“No. Actually, very little is
known about them because they’re so rare, and the Nihan don’t
practice psychiatric medicine in the way that the Kelon do. The
need to classify people so precisely isn’t part of our system.”

“
Get on with it, Shardul.
Not in the mood for another
chuma
-bashing
session.”

He made a little hiss of
irritation. “I’m not bashing anyone. Nulls have a reputation—and
that’s all it is—for being somewhat morally...defective.”

“Sociopaths?”

“As I said, we don’t classify
the way you do. I’m only telling you what the reputation is, and of
course there may be a good deal of exaggeration. But throughout our
literature, there are warnings to beware of them, for they lie
charmingly, and have no conscience.”

Was that Tushar’s real nature?
“If that goodness was all an act, then I was well and truly
suckered.”

He shrugged. “How much was
real, how much for the sake of publicity, I can’t tell, and we
won’t ever know. The talent was real enough.”

“Yes, it was. And you have to
admit the sex appeal was real too.” Shardul smiled a little in
agreement. “I thought him being a null was great. No more Kirins.
No more freaked out lovers. But I hadn’t realised how much I depend
on it now. I’ve lost the knack of reading people without it. He
could have been faking it from the beginning, for all I know.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t
think he was. But I feared he would always put career first, and he
did.”

I shrugged, and drank some
beer. “I should have had more sense than to ignore the risk of
that, and what you were saying.”

“If I’d been a true friend, I’d
have warned you more strongly. I didn’t...because I was afraid I
would lose your friendship.”

I set my drink down and stared
at him. “You treat me like shit all the time. Why would I drop you
as a friend over something like that?”

“
I do
not
treat you like
‘shit’, and keep your voice down. Detailing your faults for your
own improvement is one thing. Standing in the way of an intimate
relationship is another.”

“You tried.”

“
I warned as best I
dared, but not as firmly as I could have.
Should
have. So I blame
myself.”

I finished my beer and
signalled to the waitress to bring another round. “I’d have told
you where to get off.”

“Yes. But I didn’t tell you
that I investigated Ursemin and discovered he’d had another client
who’d been stalked some years ago. He lied to both of us from the
start, but by the time I knew all this, you had decided I was
trying to keep you and Tushar apart. Which I was. I asked my aunt
if she’d speak to you but she felt it was best to wait to see how
things developed. As it happened, events overtook us, and I, for
one, am glad to see the back of the two of them. You deserve
better.”

The anger I sensed surprised
me. Shardul was outraged on my behalf. Never experienced that
before. “I’ve been thinking. The fact I’m an investigator wasn’t as
important as who my father is, was it?”

He shook his head. “Likely not,
though that doesn’t mean Tushar didn’t develop real affection for
you. Ursemin had to have tipped off the press that night you stayed
over. I don’t blame him for making the most of whatever he could
legitimately use, but I do blame him for targeting you and
exploiting you. He took the things that make you precious to
us—your loyalty, your bravery, your devotion to justice—and turned
them against you. For that, I will never forgive him.”

“You’re making me all
teary.”

He wrinkled his nose. “Trust
you to spoil an honest declaration. I don’t know why I bother.”

“Well, why do you?”

“Because annoying and
narrow-minded and, at times, downright lead-brained as you can be,
you are also pure of heart, and a true friend to those you claim.
And that is rarer than you can possibly imagine.”

He sipped his drink, daring me
with those brilliant eyes to mock what he’d said. To be honest,
he’d taken my breath away. “So it wasn’t really about me dating one
of your people.”

“No, though my concerns remain
that you must be aware of the risk to the other person. You must
know what you ask, and choose someone strong-minded and tough
because the danger is all theirs. Otherwise you’ll be in the
permanent position of protector, which is both degrading and
unequal.”

“I’m only interested in a lover
who’d be my equal.”

“Then I’m delighted things
didn’t work out with Tushar. He simply wasn’t good enough for
you.”

He was piling on the surprises
tonight. “I suppose as my fiancée, you’d know.”

He smiled at me over his glass.
“Indeed.”

And so a day that had started
out as crappy as it was possible to do, ended better than I’d
hoped. We talked as we’d not had the chance to for some time, not
about Tushar at all, but about relationships, and friendships, and
how neither of us ever wanted to have to choose between a friend
and someone we loved. I supposed it really was about Tushar, but we
never mentioned his name.

Shardul plied me with
beer, but not to the point where I felt drunk, just relaxed, and
free of the stress that had turned my neck muscles to concrete over
the last couple of weeks. I’d missed this. Missed
him
. If
Tushar had stayed, I might never have been able to talk so freely
to Shardul again, because his concerns and my jealousy would have
always left a strain. I’d had a lucky escape in more than one
sense.

After a couple of hours, I
looked at my watch and realised I needed to go home to save
worrying my family again, so he drove me back to Yashi’s place. “I
suppose the house hunt is on again,” he said as we drew close.

“I suppose it is. Can’t say I’m
brimming with enthusiasm.”

“Give yourself time to recover.
You’ve taken a blow.”

“Had worse.”

“Oh yes, so very tough. For
once in your life, take my advice. Give yourself time.”

“Yes, sir, Shardul-ji.”

He pulled up in front of the
house. “Why do I bother? Don’t trip on the kerb.”

“I’m not drunk.”

“No, just your normal clumsy
self.” I made a rude noise and opened the door. “Javen...I’m sorry
this couldn't be what you wanted.”

“It never would have been. It
would only ever have been a substitute.” He looked at me
quizzically, but I wasn’t nearly intoxicated enough to blurt out an
explanation. “Thank you for tonight. And...for everything.”

“Be at peace, Javen. Good
night.”

He drove off. I let the cool
night air clear my head a little, and headed inside.

The twins, already in their
pyjamas, leapt on me as I walked in. Yashi looked like he’d only
been home about five minutes, so I’d timed it well. I swung the
kids around but not too much. “What’s this? Attacking your poor
broken down uncle? Monsters, I tell you, horrible monsters.”

“
We’re
aren’t
monsters,” ever-correct Madhu chided. “We’re little
boys.”

“
Same thing,” Yashi said,
plucking them off me. “Now, ten minutes, and then bed. But
ten
quiet
minutes, okay?”

“Yes, Daddy,” Madhu said.

“
I don’t
want
to be
quiet. I want to ride uncle Javen again,” Harshul said.

“How about we trade those ten
quiet minutes now, for a ride tomorrow? Extra long, out in the
yard. I’ll come home early.”