Dining With The Doctor: The Unauthorized Whovian Cookbook (19 page)

Once the stew is finished, ladle it into bowls, drizzle a little extra olive oil on top, then finish each bowl with a sprinkle of goat cheese and a dash of salt and pepper. The salt would’ve been expensive for Romans, but after a visit by Caesar and Cleopatra up near Londinium, surely the wealthy guests would’ve spread a little wealth around for the soldiers.

This is best served with hearty, homemade bread, whatever seasonal vegetables you can scavenge, and a hearty sense of cultural superiority

The Pond's Wedding Punch (S5E13 - The Big Bang)

8 cups/2 l water
1 cup/237 ml vodka
1 cup/200 g sugar
4 cups/520 g fresh blueberries
1.5 cups/355 ml fresh squeezed lemon juice
2 lemons, sliced into wheels
zest of 1 lemon
blue sugar (optional)
blue food coloring (optional)

After 2000 years of waiting, Rory finally got the girl. You were probably expecting a Tardis shaped cake in celebration of Amy and Rory’s wedding. Hey, you didn’t plunk down cold hard cash for a recipe you can find anywhere on the internet. You want something bold, something different, something full of spoilers. This recipe gets you two of the three.

In celebration of the Pond-Williams nuptials, I present something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. Start off by borrowing some old ice cube trays from your friends. Drop 3 fresh, newly picked blueberries into each of the ice cube squares. If you want to add a little extra festive color, drop in a pinch of fresh lemon zest. Now fill the tray with water, and freeze. Yes, you’re making blueberry ice cubes for your drink. This is a wedding. Be fancy.

Let a few of those trays freeze overnight. The next day, squeeze 1.5 cups/355 milliliters of fresh lemon juice. That's about 8-10 medium sized lemons. For the love of your own tastebuds, do not, under any circumstances, use the vile fraud that is “lemon concentrate.” Those plastic squeezy bottles are a crime against humanity.

Put 1 cup/130 grams of berries in a large, microwave safe bowl and mash them gently. Add the sugar and 1 cup/250 milliliters of water. Give everything a good stir, then nuke it for 2 minutes. Stir it again. If the sugar hasn’t melted, put it back in the microwave for another minute, then give it another stir. You now have big, sugary bowl of tastiness.

Mash the blueberries a little more. You want to eke out their essence like you’re leeching the soul from a gelfling. Let the mix sit for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally, then strain it into a large pitcher. You want all the tasty goodness with none of the fleshy solids. Throw away the spent, old berries.

Top your pitcher off with the freshly squeezed lemon juice, plus the vodka and the rest of your water. Give it another good stir. You should have a lovely purple colored pitcher of alcoholic goodness. If you’d like it bluer, add a couple drops of food coloring and give it another stir.

To serve, fill one saucer with water and another with your blue sugar. Dip a lowball glass into the water then into the blue sugar in order to rim the glass. Drop in a few of your prepared blueberry ice cubes. Carefully pour in your cocktail. Garnish the glass with a fresh lemon wheel and sprinkle a couple blueberries on top. You can also skewer a few blueberries on a cocktail sword and use that as a second garnish. '

Kazran’s Night Sky Fog Cups (S5E14 - A Christmas Carol)

8 cinnamon graham cracker sheets
4 tbsp/57 g butter
2 tbsp/30 g sugar
8 oz/227 g softened cream cheese
1 cup/130 g blueberries
1 cup/100 g whipped cream
juice of 1 lemon
paper fish on toothpicks

It’s time for another blatantly steampunk episode of Doctor Who. Luckily, I like ‘em like that.

I had such a hard time concentrating on food instead of transcribing all the best one liners, but I climbed halfway out of the dark to bring you this recipe for fish swimming in clouds.

One of the nice things about this Christmas episode is it gives you an excuse to decorate your table with flying fish while lightly sugaring up your guests. If you’re wondering why you should decorate your table with flying fish, just trust me. It’s this or go to your room and design a new kind of screwdriver. Don’t make my mistake.

Put your graham cracker sheets in a plastic bag and beat them like they’re a disappointing only son. When your graham crackers are bitter, broken crumbs of their former selves, sweeten them up with the melted butter and sugar until you have a nice dough you can reshape to fit your own ideals.

Divide the graham cracker dough between 8 shot glasses. Really pack it down in there pretty well. Now juice the lemon and beat it into the softened cream cheese. You’re welcome to add a couple tablespoons of sugar if you like your desserts a little sweeter. Once your lemony cream cheese is nice and smooth, pack it into the shot glasses like milky white fog topping the dirty brown graham cracker earth below.

Finally, top the shot glasses with whipped cream. If you’re a good person, you’ll buy whole cream and viciously attack it with a high speed mixer, but we both know you’re going to lazily pick up a tub of Cool-Whip and call it a day. Such a disappointment. Sprinkle 4-6 fresh blueberries on top of the Cool-Whip then finish each of your shot glasses with a yellow curl of peel viciously ripped from the flesh of your lemon.

To get the full holiday effect from this episode, print out some brightly colored fish at home (or grab some from a dollar store) Tape them to bamboo skewers cut to different heights and plant the skewers in the middle of your fog cups. Scatter these around the table so it looks like you have flying fish swimming around your party foods.

If you happen to be hosting a Doctor Who theme party in honor of the latest Christmas episode, bring along some Christmas Crackers.

Americans, if you’ve never played with Christmas crackers, do not let anyone try to convince you they're edible. The "cracker" part comes from the popping sound they make when ripped open. They're not easy to find in the United States, so you now have an excuse to visit Ikea. I promise you won’t have to assemble them yourself.

British readers, I hate to break it to you, but unless they’re BBC addicts, most Americans thought everything about that Christmas dinner was as authentic as the flying fish.

Both the desert and the Christmas crackers will be equally well received at your Christmases past, present and future.

SERIES SIX: HELLO, SWEETIE

The Doctor’s Last Picnic (S6E1 - The Impossible Astronaut)

red wine
red grapes
cheese wedge
strategically wedged sonic screwdriver
picnic basket full of mystery (which, really, you can fill with plenty of other recipes from this book. For all we know, that basket is bigger on the inside, so feel free to go nuts.)

Hello, sweetie. Let’s be honest. If you want to do this episode justice, a corner of your table will include a pot of coffee, twelve jammy dodgers, and a fez, all served on top of a highway roadmap of the United States (see your local state highway tourist office to get one for free.) It’s up to you whether you serve the jammy dodgers in the fez, but confidentially, you can get cheap red fezzes at the dollar store.

Honestly, if I knew this was my last meal, I’d have gone a bit fancier. At the very least, I’d have picked a drink I liked. Maybe The Doctor filled up on burgers and fries at the Utah diner before taking everyone out to Lake Silencio. In honor of that, feel free to serve hearty American cheeseburgers alongside The Doctor’s last picnic.

If you’re in the mood for something a little less literal than The Doctor’s last picnic, try this:
Flaming Canoe Pyre Cocktail
½ shot/22 ml Kahlua
½ shot/22 ml Irish cream
½ shot/22 ml creme de banana
½ shot/22 ml 151 rum
dash cinnamon
banana

Pour your Kahlua, Irish cream, and creme de banana into a large brandy snifter and gently stir them together. Carefully layer the 151 rum on top. Don’t stir it. You want this to float above the denser layer. Sprinkle the top with a little cinnamon. (It adds some drama to the flame.)

Now carefully use a barbecue fire starter or a very long fireplace match to set it on fire. The drink should go up like The Doctor’s pyre, with the cinnamon adding little sparks as it burns. Once the rum burns out, stir everything together with a long slice of banana, in honor of The Doctor's last party and drink a toast to the last of the Time Lords.

Tardis Blue Fondue with Dippable Spaceships (S6E2 - Day of the Moon)

1 cup/237 ml white wine
2 tbsp/30 g butter
1 tbsp/15 g flour
1 tsp/5 g mustard
7 oz/200 g Gruyere cheese, cubed
7 oz/200 g Cheddar cheese, cubed
7 oz/200 g Emmentaler cheese, cubed
4 shakes Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp/5 ml blue food coloring
1 loaf slightly stale sourdough bread

To really do this episode justice you need to give every guest a sharpie necklace. If they get drunk at your party, have fun putting hash marks on their belly or ankles. When they ask later, profess ignorance. If you’re feeling kind (and don’t remember the Silents) you could always hand out small black eyeliner pencils on a string instead.

Alternately, as a super-parasite, instead of making any recipes yourself, you could get other people to do it for you then make them forget. Since you’re a good host and not one of the Silents, you get to make some Tardisy blue space age fondue for your guests.

You’re going to be juggling some pans here. In one small saucepan, bring your wine to a boil. In another one, melt your butter. Sprinkle the flour over the butter and stir constantly. Add in the mustard and Worcestershire sauce. Keep cooking for about five minutes. Now add the food coloring and wine. Stir until everything is free of lumps.

Finally, add in the cheese a little at a time. Keep stirring and adding more cubes until you run out of cheese and have a silky smooth pot. If it’s not blue enough, go ahead and add a few more drops, stirring until you have a consistent color. Don't dump all the cheese in at once. Honest. You'll end up with a burned, foul smelling lump on botttom and some rock hard bits on top with an angry cheese magma in between. Take your time melting each handful into the cheesy mass.

Pour the mix into a fondue pot. If you don’t have a fondue pot, you can always go the cheap route by pouring it into a crockpot and substituting bamboo barbecue skewers for the fondue forks.

Once you have a home for your blue cheesy melt, cut your loaf of sourdough bread into Apollo 11 triangles with somewhat squared off tops. Serve with sliced green apples, cooked fingerling potatoes, button mushrooms, cherry tomatoes, or your favorite space age fondue dippers. Finish it all off with a tall glass of Tang and a slight sense of paranoia about why you can’t find your lost keys.

Curse of the Good Ship Fancy Sandwich (S6E3 - The Curse of the Black Spot)

1 large loaf of unsliced Italian bread
1 small bunch romaine lettuce
1/4 cup/60 g mayonnaise
¼ cup/60 g dijon mustard
10 slices your favorite cheese
10 slices roasted red bell peppers
1 lb/455 g sliced deli meat in your choice of flavors
1 bag large pretzel rods
sliced pitted olives
toothpicks

I know you were expecting a rum drink, but this is a whimsical episode and as such, deserves a whimsical recipe. Who could fail to love an edible pirate ship? It feels like something you should eat in a treehouse.