Dining With The Doctor: The Unauthorized Whovian Cookbook (22 page)

Meanwhile, mix the flour, salt, baking powder and baking soda in a large bowl. Give the tea mix a couple of minutes to cool down, then pour it over your flour mix. Beat it thoroughly. You want to not only make sure everything is well mixed, but also hopefully get a little air into the dough.

Grease the inside of two large, clean aluminum cans. It doesn’t matter what was in them before, as long as one end is still intact and the paper has been completely removed. If your largest cans are only 15 oz/440 gram sized, you may need to split the batter into four portions instead of two. Regardless of size, grease them up well, spoon the batter in until your cans are ⅔ full, then put them in the middle of a 350F/180C oven for 45 minutes (for the large cans) or 30-35 minutes for the smaller ones.

Check for doneness by sticking a long toothpick or thin bamboo skewer down into the middle. If it comes out clean, your cakes are done. If not, bake them for another 3-4 minutes and test them again.

Let the cakes cool for at least 20 minutes after you remove them from the oven. If you greased the cans well enough, they should slide out. If you didn’t, you can always take a can opener to the bottoms and use the newly cut lid to gently push the cakes all the way through.

The fruit cakes should be moister than you expect. Use your fingers to sort of pinch the surface into a vague face shape. Remember, it’s easier to push in than pull out. Once you’re satisfied with your tree face, use the tines of a fork to cut bark lines all around the exterior of each face. Leave them out to dry overnight and the surface will dehydrate a bit and get slightly more crusty. (Although honestly, they taste better when they’re completely moist).

Once your guests have admired the Christmas tree aliens, simply cut the cakes into nice round slices about an inch wide. It’s a more merciful end than melting them in acid rain.

These are best served with a pat of butter or margarine, strong, hot tea for the adults, and lemonade on tap for the kids.

FISH FINGERS AND CUSTARD

Let’s be honest. If you're in the UK, all you really need to do is pick up a box each of fish fingers and custard. Pop the fish fingers in the oven, pour a bowl of custard, and you’re good to go.

This is a little more complicated for Americans. For some reason, our chicken have fingers but our fish comes in sticks. The protein isn’t a problem, but we don’t sell pourable custard. Most people substitute vanilla pudding instead. For those of you in the UK, what we call pudding is like an eggless custard made so thick it’s practically a solid.

Everyone wants the look of fish fingers and custard on their Whovian table, but not all fans are equally enamored with the taste. This chapter gives the Americans a basic custard recipe then offers everyone some passable alternatives so you can achieve the right look with a less whimsical taste.

British Style Custard

1 cup/250ml milk
½ cup/125ml double cream
1 tbsp/15 g sugar
2 tsp/10 g cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon/2.5 ml vanilla extract
3 extra large egg yolks

Most Americans have never had the kind of pourable custard The Doctor drinks. The closest thing we have is vanilla pudding. To Americans, “pudding” is kind of like a less eggy, more sweet custard made so thick it’ll hold a spoon upright. The Doctor’s dessert was just as mysterious to us as real Root Beer is to you. Sure, you’ve heard of it. You’ve even seen it on television. But taste and texture are still a mystery.

Psst...Americans. Join me over here in the corner for a second. Listen, if your friends have never had the custard sauce folks in the United Kingdom take for granted, you can make a quick and dirty substitute by adding an extra cup and a half of milk to a box of instant vanilla pudding mix. Yes, I said a cup and a half. This is supposed to be a pourable sauce. I swear I’m not making this up. Instead of icing, people in the UK pour this on top of cakes. Honest.

Ahem. The rest of you can rejoin us, now. Everyone who can simply walk into a grocery store and buy a box of pre-made custard probably has a family recipe passed down from your grandmother. You should either get your custard from a box or make hers. The rest of you can give this recipe a try. Like most things made from actual ingredients instead of a chemical cocktail, it won’t be as flamboyantly yellow as The Doctor’s custard. Add a few drops of yellow and orange food coloring to get the full televised cheap box of processed custard look.

To make your custard, start by mixing the sugar and cornstarch in a bowl. Pour in the milk and whisk it all together. Meanwhile, pour your cream into a saucepan and gently warm it over a medium heat. Don’t boil it. As the cream warms, gradually whisk in the milk mix.

Once you’ve poured in all your milk, keep whisking. If you stop whisking, your custard will develop lumps and a skin and other disturbingly organic things that make you think it’s about to rise out of the pot like animated Flesh.

When your heavily whisked mix comes to a boil, pull it off the heat. In another bowl, beat your eggs until they’re smooth. Gradually add the egg mix to the milk, whisking heavily as you add it in. Don’t just dump all your eggs in at once. You’ll end up with an overly sweetened and mostly inedible egg drop soup.

Once your eggs and milk are all playing nicely together, put the pan back on a medium heat. Add the vanilla. All that whisking you’ve done? Keep it up. You want to ever so slowly bring your mix back up to a boil. Once it starts to bubble, yank it off the heat and keep stirring for another minute. You can serve it hot or pour it into a bowl, wrap the bowl in plastic wrap to prevent it from growing a disturbing skin and potential sentience, and enjoy it anytime you’d like for 2-3 days

Quick and Easy Pound Cake Faux Fish Fingers

1 store bought pound cake
2 cups store bought graham cracker crumbs
2 egg whites
½ cup/125 ml heavy cream
1 tsp/5 g cinnamon
½ tsp/2.5 ml vanilla
butter

Preheat your oven to 400F/205C.  Start by carefully cutting your store bought pound cake into fish finger shaped rectangles about 1 inch/2.5 centimeters thick by 4 inches/10 centimeters long. Aggressively butter the bottom of a baking sheet in preparation.

Pour your egg whites, heavy cream, cinnamon and vanilla into a bowl and whip them up. Set up a nice assembly line with your pound cake, cream mix, and graham cracker crumbs.

Quickly dunk each slice of pound cake into the cream mix. Immediately roll it in the graham crackers. Place each strip on the buttered baking sheet. See, they’re looking more like fish fingers already.

Bake the whole mess for 7-8 minutes. Flip the faux fish fingers then bake them for another 5-7 minutes. You’ll end up with a crunchy rectangle that looks just like boxed fish fingers but tastes like sweet, crunchy cake.

Gooey Brownie Faux Fish Fingers

boxed brownie mix
vanilla wafers
gingersnaps

These are a good alternative for people who prefer their sweet, faux fish fingers on the chocolaty side.

Prepare the brownie mix according to the package instructions. However, under bake them by 3-5 minutes. You want your brownies to be solid enough to stay together, but delightfully gooey in the center.

While the brownies are baking, mix 4 cups/500 grams of vanilla wafers with 1 cup/125 grams of gingersnaps. The different colors and textures add to the natural look of the fish fingers. Toss the cookies into a blender or food processor and grind them into breadcrumb sized pieces.

Once the brownies have cooled, cut them into fish finger shaped rectangles. The nice thing about the moist, gooey interior is it should hold onto the cookie crumbs without needing some extra form of food glue (like an egg white wash). Roll the brownie rectangles in the cookie crumbs, making sure to get all sides. Your best results will probably come from middle pieces since they have more moist interior surface area. If your crumbs aren’t sticking to the edge pieces, go ahead and trim the crust then try again.

Serve these with the sweet custard substitute of your choice.

French Toast Fish Fingers with Whipped Maple Syrup Custard

French Toast:
1 loaf of stale bread cut into thick rectangles
3 eggs
½ cup/125 ml milk
2 tsp/10 ml vanilla
1 tsp/5 g cinnamon
½ tsp/2.5 g salt
Maple Cream "Custard"
1 cup/250 ml heavy whipping cream
¼ cup/75 ml maple syrup
8 drops yellow food coloring
3-4 drops orange food coloring

Americans can simply buy a box of frozen French Toast strips, a box of frozen vanilla flavored Cool Whip, some maple syrup, and some yellow food coloring. Bake the French Toast, mix the rest of it, and voila - breakfast sweets with a Whovian twist.

If you live outside the United States, what we call French Toast is probably an alien concept. It’s made from stale bread refreshed by a good dunking in eggs and milk then topped with a sweet maple-inspired syrup. The advantage here is that grilled bread just so happens to look an awful lot like every other fried, breaded food.

To make these French Toast sticks look the most like fish fingers, use an unsliced loaf of dense bread. Cut the bread into fish finger sized rectangles. You can let the slices sit out overnight if you want to get a crunchier exterior.

Mix the eggs, milk, vanilla, cinnamon and salt in a bowl. Beat it enthusiastically until everything is well blended.

Meanwhile, because decadent breakfast sweets are meant to be delicious, melt a tablespoon/15 grams of butter in a skillet over medium heat. Dip your bread rectangles in the egg mix. Let them soak for a couple seconds (longer if the bread is properly stale) and arrange them in the skillet. You want to turn them every 3-4 minutes, making sure to cook all four sides until golden brown. Feel free to add more butter when you turn them.

Once you’ve cooked all of your faux fish sticks, it’s time to make your tasty custard substitute. Considering I’ve already extolled the virtues of butter, it should come as no surprise we’re topping this with real, delicious, fatty cream. Honestly, real fish fingers and custard would probably be healthier, but who cares as long as it’s delicious?

Pour your whipping cream, maple syrup, and food coloring into a large bowl. If the shade of yellow isn’t custardy enough for you, add a couple more drops of food coloring. Once you’re satisfied, beat the contents with a hand mixer until they magically transform from a liquid to a fluffy solid.

This fish fingers and custard substitute is equally good for breakfast or dessert.

Toasted Cornbread Fish Sticks with Honey Butter Custard Dip

Cornbread:
1 cup/140 g flour
1 cup/140 g cornmeal
1 tsp/5 g baking soda
1 1/2 tsp/7.5 g baking powder
1/2 tsp/2.5 g salt
2 eggs, well beaten
1 cup/125 ml buttermilk (or ¾ cup/95 ml Greek yogurt and ¼ cup/30 ml whole milk)
2 cups/500 ml whole milk
1 ½ / 23 g tablespoons butter
Honey Butter “Custard”
1 cup/225 g butter
½ cup/170 g honey

The first half of this recipe is pretty darn easy. Start by preheating your oven to 400F/205C and greasing up a 9x9 inch/23x23(ish) centimeter square baking pan.

Mix all your dry ingredients in a great big bowl. Once they’re all playing nicely together, add in your wet ingredients. If you live outside the United States, you may have difficulty finding buttermilk. Don’t panic. Just substitute the yogurt and milk mix instead. You’ll be fine. Stir it all up until it goes from being lumpy to merely being grainy.