Dining With The Doctor: The Unauthorized Whovian Cookbook (24 page)

You're probably spotting a pattern by now. Once more, mix the mayonnaise and food coloring. If you’re satisfied with the custard-ness of the color, dump in everything else. If not, experiment with the food coloring and more mayo until you’re happy with the color. After that, simply mix everything else into the colored mayo and give it all a good stir. It’ll be a little chunkier than your average custard, but the dill flavor is worth it.

Horseradish and Mustard Mock Custard
1 cup/450 g mayonnaise
2 tbsp/30 g dijon mustard
2 tsp/10 g prepared white horseradish
1 tsp/5 g turmeric
juice of ½ lemon
pinch salt

The turmeric and mustard give this a nicely custardy color without having to resort to dyes. To make a batch, simply dump everything in a bowl and mix it enthusiastically until you have a smooth paste. Serve it with the fish fingers of your choice.

Honey Mustard Mock Custard
1 cup/450 g mayonnaise
¼ cup/85 g honey
¼ cup/70 g dijon mustard
1 tbsp/15 g yellow mustard
2 tbsp/30 ml rice wine vinegar
1 tsp/5 g turmeric
½ tsp/2.5 g salt

Once more, simply dump everything into a bowl. Enthusiastically mix it together until your sauce reaches a uniform custard-like color and texture. If you prefer it sweeter, feel free to add more honey. This doesn’t taste or look anything like the honey mustard dipping sauce you get from fast food restaurants, which are mostly made from corn syrup and chemical factory runoff. Instead, despite the color, this tastes suspiciously like real food. You’ve been warned.

APPENDIX

MAIN COURSES
51 - Baked Hath Served Over Black Beans and Topped With a Red and Green Cabbage Slaw (Series 4, Episode 7)
25 - Coronation Chicken (Series 2, Episode 8)
63 - Cool Bow Tie Pasta with Protesting Star Whale Brains (Series 2, Episode 2)
79 - Curse of the Good Ship Fancy Sandwich (Series 6, Episode 3)
91 - Fish Custard Tacos (Series 6, Episode 1)
33 - Fishy Daleks (Series 2, Episode 14)
82 - Headless Monk (Series 6, Episode 7)
29 - L.I.N.D.A.’s Tardis Wellington (Series 2, Episode 11)
64 - Open Faced Dalek Ironsides (Series 5, Episode 3)
55 - River Song (Series 4, Episode 10)
92 - Savory Fish Fingers and Custard Mock Cake (Series 6, Episode 1)
11 - Slitheen Killing Beans on Toast (Series 1, Episode 4)
36 - Shakespearian Shooter Sandwich (Series 3, Episode 3)
60 - Squash Stingrays (Series 4, Episode 16)
54 - Vashta Nerada Detection Kit (Series 4, Episode 9)
67 - Vampire Space Fish (Series 6, Episode 6)
15 - Wartime Cheese and Potato Dumplings with Fried Spam Slices (Series 1, Episodes 9-10)
43 - Weeping Angel Wings (Series 3, Episode 11)
APPETIZERS AND SIDE DISHES
28 - Black Hole Mezze (Series 2, Episode 10)\
80 - Blueberry, Cucumber and Starfruit Time Scraps (Series 6, Episode 4)
25 - Chicken and Ood Soup (Series 2, Episode 9)
32 - Cyberman Ghosts (Series 2, Episode 13)
58 - Dalek Caan’s Corn (Series 4, Episode 14)
21 - Deffry Vale School Chips with Krillitane Oil (Series 2, Episode 4)
77 - The Doctor’s Last Picnic (Series 6, Episode 1)
56 - Donna’s Time Beetle (Series 4, Episode 12)
38 - Extermination Loaf (Series 3, Episode 5)
48 - Marble Circuits with Fire Dipping Sauce (Series 4, Episode 13)
61 - The Master’s Drums (Series 4, Episode 18)
81 - Melted Rebel Flesh (Series 6, Episode 5)
62 - The New Doctor’s Rubbish Plate (Series 5, Episode 1)
49 - Ood Mezze Plate (Series 4, Episode 4)
44 - Professor Yana’s Gluten Neutrino Map Binder (Series 3, Episode 12)
74 - Rory the Roman’s Faro Stew (Series 5, Episode 12)
13 - Satellite 5 Mystery Takeout Noodles (Series 1, Episode 7)
69 - Silurian Hot House Salad with Lemon-Lime Vinaigrette (Series 5, Episode 8)
16 - Slitheen Eggs (Series 1, Episode 11)
50 - Sontaran Soldiers (Series 4, Episode 5)
53 - Timelord Cyanide Detox Platter (Series 4, Episode 8)
71 - Vincent’s Rustic Potatoes (Series 5, Episode 10)
SNACKS
12 - Banana Dalek (Series 1, Episode 6)
44 - Cucumber Drums of Madness (Series 3, Episode 13)
56 - Dalek Invasion Ships (Series 4, Episode 13)
19 - The Doctor’s Hand (Series 2, Episode 1)
72 - The Doctor’s Omelet (Series 5, Episode 11)
37 - Kitty Nurse Kibble (Series 3, Episode 4)
9 - The Last Human Fruit Leather (Series 2, Episode 2)
11 - Slitheen Skin Suits (Series 1, Episode 5)
ADULT BEVERAGES
75 - Blueberry Lemonade Wedding Punch (Series 5, Episode 13)
10 - Charles Dickens Own Christmas Punch (Series 1, Episode 3)
51 - Clone Vat Cocktail (Series 4, Episode 6)
23 - Cybus Brain Cleansing Cocktail (Series 2, Episode 6)
22 - The Doctor’s Accidental Banana Daiquiri (Series 2, Episode 5)
42 - Family of Blood(y Mary) (Series 3, Episode 10)
93 - Fish Fingers and Custard Cocktail (Series 6, Episode 1)
61 - The Fizzy Waters of Mars Cocktail (Series 4, Episode 17)
34 - Huon Particle Cocktail (Series 3, Episode 1)
58 - Jackson Lake Cocktail (Series 4, Episode 15)
81 - Liquid Flesh Cocktail (Series 6, Episode 6)
8 - Nestene Consciousness (Series 1, Episode 1)
20 - New Earth Apple Grass Cocktail (Series 2, Episode 2)
14 - Pete Tyler’s Health Tonic (Series 1, Episode 8)
82 - Regeneration Fizz (Series 6, Episode 8)
56 - Sapphire Cliff Cockatil (Series 4, Episode 11)
46 - Titanic 1st Class Menu Punch Romaine (Series 4, Episode 1)
85 - Two Streams Garden Cocktail (Series 6, Episode 10)
20 - Queen Victoria’s Nightcap (Series 2, Episode 3)
DESSERTS
21 - 2012 Olympic Shortbread Medallions (Series 2, Episode 12)
66 - Angel Wing Cookies (Series 5, Episode 5)
17 - Big Brother House Bad Wolf Brand Human Chow Cookies (Series 1, Episode 12)
87 - British Style Custard (Series 6, Episode 1)
40 - Burnt Custard (Series 3, Episode 8)
69 - Cinnamon Pull Apart Crack in the Wall (Series 5, Episode 9)
89 - French Toast Fish Fingers with Whipped Maple Syrup Custard (Series 6, Episode 1)
88 - Gooey Brownie Faux Fish Fingers (Series 6, Episode 1)
65 - Irradiated Angels (Series 5, Episode 4)
84 - Jammy Dodgers (Series 6, Episode 9)
76 - Kazran’s Night Sky Fog Cups (Series 5, Episode 14)
35 - Moon Cake Pops (Series 2, Episode 2)
88 - Quick and Easy Faux Fish Fingers (Series 6, Episode 1)
41 - Scarecrow Soldiers (Series 3, Episode 9)
86 - Stormageddon’s Cybermat (Series 6, Episode 12)
87 - Texting and Scones (Series 6, Episode 13)
88 - Wartime Christmas Fruit Cake (Series 6, Episode 14)
24 - White Chocolate Cybermen Heads (Series 2, Episode 7)
OTHER
46 - Adipose Herbed Butter (Series 4, Episode 2)
45 - Cantaloupe Toclafane (Series 3, Episode 14)
39 - Dalek Sek’s Head (Series 3, Episode 7)
68 - Ledweth’s Eknodine Pensioners (Series 5, Episode 7)
48 - Marble Circuits with Fire Dipping Sauce (Series 4, Episode 13)
18 - The Mad Dalek Emperor’s All Seeing Eye (Series 1, Episode 13)
85 - Praise His Cheeseball (Series 6, Episode 11)
94 - Savory Mock Custards (Series 6, Episode 1)
78 - Tardis Blue Fondue with Dippable Spaceships (Series 6, Episode 2)
90 - Toasted Cornbread Fish Sticks with Honey Butter Custard Dip (Series 6, Episode 1)
VEGAN
12 - Banana Dalek (Series 1, Episode 6)
28 - Black Hole Mezze (Series 2, Episode 10)
45 - Cantaloupe Toclafane (Series 3, Episode 14)
58 - Dalek Caan’s Corn (Series 4, Episode 14)
21 - Deffry Vale School Chips with Krillitane Oil (Series 2, Episode 4)
56 - Donna’s Time Beetle (Series 4, Episode 12)
9 - The Last Human Fruit Leather (Series 2, Episode 2)
68 - Ledweth’s Eknodine Pensioners (Series 5, Episode 7)
48 - Marble Circuits with Fire Dipping Sauce (Series 4, Episode 13)
44 - Professor Yana’s Gluten Neutrino Map Binder (Series 3, Episode 12)
13 - Satellite 5 Mystery Takeout Noodles (Series 1, Episode 7)
69 - Silurian Hot House Salad with Lemon-Lime Vinaigrette (Series 5, Episode 8)
50 - Sontaran Soldiers (Series 4, Episode 5)
VEGETARIAN
63 - Cool Bow Tie Pasta with Protesting Star Whale Brains (Series 2, Episode 2)
44 - Cucumber Drums of Madness (Series 3, Episode 13)
32 - Cyberman Ghosts (Series 2, Episode 13)
38 - Extermination Loaf (Series 3, Episode 5)
37 - Kitty Nurse Kibble (Series 3, Episode 4)
9 - The Last Human Fruit Leather (Series 2, Episode 2)
61 - The Master’s Drums (Series 4, Episode 18)
81 - Melted Rebel Flesh (Series 6, Episode 5
64 - Open Faced Dalek Ironsides (Series 5, Episode 3)
55 - River Song (Series 4, Episode 10)
16 - Slitheen Eggs (Series 1, Episode 11)
11 - Slitheen Killing Beans on Toast (Series 1, Episode 4)
11 - Slitheen Skin Suits (Series 1, Episode 5)
60 - Squash Stingrays (Series 4, Episode 16)
71 - Vincent’s Rustic Potatoes (Series 5, Episode 10)
CELIAC/WHEAT ALLERGY
12 - Banana Dalek (Series 1, Episode 6)
28 - Black Hole Mezze (Series 2, Episode 10)
45 - Cantaloupe Toclafane (Series 3, Episode 14)
44 - Cucumber Drums of Madness (Series 3, Episode 13)
58 - Dalek Caan’s Corn (Series 4, Episode 14)
21 - Deffry Vale School Chips with Krillitane Oil (Series 2, Episode 4)
72 - The Doctor’s Omelet (Series 5, Episode 11) (without lunchmeat)
56 - Donna’s Time Beetle (Series 4, Episode 12)
82 - Headless Monk (Series 6, Episode 7)
9 - The Last Human Fruit Leather (Series 2, Episode 2)
68 - Ledweth’s Eknodine Pensioners (Series 5, Episode 7)
81 - Melted Rebel Flesh (Series 6, Episode 5)
74 - Rory the Roman’s Faro Stew (Series 5, Episode 12)
69 - Silurian Hot House Salad with Lemon-Lime Vinaigrette (Series 5, Episode 8)
16 - Slitheen Eggs (Series 1, Episode 11) (without pasta)
11 - Slitheen Skin Suits (Series 1, Episode 5)
50 - Sontaran Soldiers (Series 4, Episode 5)
60 - Squash Stingrays (Series 4, Episode 16)
71 - Vincent’s Rustic Potatoes (Series 5, Episode 10)
PALEO/LOW CARB
28 - Black Hole Mezze (Series 2, Episode 10)
72 - The Doctor’s Omelet (Series 5, Episode 11)
56 - Donna’s Time Beetle (Series 4, Episode 12)
9 - The Last Human Fruit Leather (Series 2, Episode 2)
68 - Ledweth’s Eknodine Pensioners (Series 5, Episode 7)
69 - Silurian Hot House Salad with Lemon-Lime Vinaigrette (Series 5, Episode 8)
11 - Slitheen Skin Suits (Series 1, Episode 5)
60 - Squash Stingrays (Series 4, Episode 16)
ALIENS
46 - Adipose Herbed Butter (Series 4, Episode 2)
66 - Angel Wing Cookies (Series 5, Episode 5)
12 - Banana Dalek (Series 1, Episode 6)
45 - Cantaloupe Toclafane (Series 3, Episode 14)
25 - Chicken and Ood Soup (Series 2, Episode 9)
32 - Cyberman Ghosts (Series 2, Episode 13)
58 - Dalek Caan’s Corn (Series 4, Episode 14)
56 - Dalek Invasion Ships (Series 4, Episode 13)
39 - Dalek Sek’s Head (Series 3, Episode 7)
38 - Extermination Loaf (Series 3, Episode 5)
33 - Fishy Daleks (Series 2, Episode 14)
82 - Headless Monk (Series 6, Episode 7)
9 - The Last Human Fruit Leather (Series 2, Episode 2)
68 - Ledweth’s Eknodine Pensioners (Series 5, Episode 7)
65 - Irradiated Angels (Series 5, Episode 4)
29 - L.I.N.D.A.’s Tardis Wellington (Series 2, Episode 11)
76 - Kazran’s Night Sky Fog Cups (Series 5, Episode 14)
18 - The Mad Dalek Emperor’s All Seeing Eye (Series 1, Episode 13)
81 - Melted Rebel Flesh (Series 6, Episode 5)
64 - Open Faced Dalek Ironsides (Series 5, Episode 3)
49 - Ood Mezze Plate (Series 4, Episode 4)
55 - River Song (Series 4, Episode 10)
16 - Slitheen Eggs (Series 1, Episode 11)
11 - Slitheen Skin Suits (Series 1, Episode 5)
41 - Scarecrow Soldiers (Series 3, Episode 9)
50 - Sontaran Soldiers (Series 4, Episode 5)
86 - Stormageddon’s Cybermat (Series 6, Episode 12)
60 - Squash Stingrays (Series 4, Episode 16)
54 - Vashta Nerada Detection Kit (Series 4, Episode 9)
67 - Vampire Space Fish (Series 6, Episode 6)
43 - Weeping Angel Wings (Series 3, Episode 11)
24 - White Chocolate Cybermen Heads (Series 2, Episode 7)

MEAL SUGGESTIONS

DECADENT MEAL
29 - L.I.N.D.A.’s Tardis Wellington (Series 2, Episode 11)
56 - Donna’s Time Beetle (Series 4, Episode 12)
69 - Silurian Hot House Salad with Lemon-Lime Vinaigrette (Series 5, Episode 8)
38 - Extermination Loaf (Series 3, Episode 5)
46 - Adipose Herbed Butter (Series 4, Episode 2)
24 - White Chocolate Cybermen Heads (Series 2, Episode 7)
81 - Liquid Flesh Cocktail (Series 6, Episode 6)
ELEGANT MEAL
51 - Baked Hath Served Over Black Beans and Topped With a Red and Green Cabbage Slaw (Series 4, Episode 7)
48 - Marble Circuits with Fire Dipping Sauce (Series 4, Episode 13)
44 - Professor Yana’s Gluten Neutrino Map Binder (Series 3, Episode 12)
16 - Slitheen Eggs (Series 1, Episode 11)
76 - Kazran’s Night Sky Fog Cups (Series 5, Episode 14)
85 - Two Streams Garden Cocktail (Series 6, Episode 10)

CASUAL MEAL
91 - Fish Custard Tacos (Series 6, Episode 1)
64 - Open Faced Dalek Ironsides (Series 5, Episode 3)
50 - Sontaran Soldiers (Series 4, Episode 5)
49 - Ood Mezze Plate (Series 4, Episode 4)
69 - Cinnamon Pull Apart Crack in the Wall (Series 5, Episode 9)
75 - Blueberry Lemonade Wedding Punch (Series 5, Episode 13)

Table of Contents

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW

SERIES 1: LAST OF THE TIME LORDS