Dirty Little Secrets (29 page)

Megan smiled. “I know. This is about me giving because I want to.”

“No, Megan. I won’t stand by and watch you be humiliated. I can’t.”

“And that is why I have to do it. You have never asked me for anything. You are loving and decent and kind and altogether too good for me.” Megan tried to smile through the blur of hot tears.

“Is this the part where you tell me I’m a really nice guy?” James wiped a tear from her cheek.

“It’s the part where I tell you that you are the nicest guy and I am sorry I was too messed up to appreciate it. I need to stop running. I know I’m messed up. But I’m trying. I want to be a person worthy of love. I need to do this. I need to come clean about everything so I can stop being afraid.”

James put his arms around her and pulled her in against his chest. His body enclosed her, like a barrier from the rest of the world. He kissed her hair. “You don’t have to do this, Megan.”

“I do. I don’t want to be afraid any more. I don’t want to worry about this catching up with us.” She pulled back. “I mean…what I mean is for you and for me…separately…I didn’t mean to imply there was an ‘us’.”

“You’re doing this, and you think there is no us?” A look of disbelief washed over his face. “Megan, you frustrate me beyond words. I’ve never met anyone who can make me so angry.”

Megan’s shoulders dropped in defeat. “I know.”

“No you don’t know. You’ve no fucking idea how angry I was when I left. I told you I loved you. I planned a future with you. I discovered I had a fucking heart just to have you shit on it.”

Megan stepped back, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. “You really do swear a lot. Even for an Australian,” she mumbled miserably. He was right though, she had ruined the best thing to ever happen to her. She deserved every word of it.

“I haven’t even fucking started. Do you know what it took for me sacrifice myself for you? To buy off your stepfather and compromise my integrity? I let myself become just like my father for you and then you choose him. You come with a whole lot of shit, Megan, and I’m not just talking about your past. I looked past all of it. And you fucking broke my heart. You chose him.” He was shouting now, his deep baritone reverberating through her, each syllable striking at her core.

“I’m sorry.”

James held up his hand to stop her from speaking. “I’m not finished. The worst fucking part of it is even after everything, I love you. I can’t seem to fucking stop.” He shook his head.

Megan sucked in a ragged breath. Fresh tears were stinging her eyes. “You do?”

“Yes I do. And you know what? I am none too pleased about it. There are seven billion people on this planet and I had to find the most pigheaded, damaged, emotionally unavailable one. It fucking serves me right.”

“Are you done swearing?”

“I’m Australian. My last words will probably be of the four-letter variety. But yes, I am done swearing at you.”

For a long moment silence reigned, neither person knowing what more they could say.

And then James sighed as he slid down to one knee.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m instigating the most unromantic proposal in the history of the fucking world. Megan, I love you. And you’ve not been able to make me stop, despite some pretty fucking valiant efforts on your part so I reckon it’s a safe assumption I will love you until the day I die. Marry me. Give me the assurance that when I wake up in the morning you’ll be there, even if it is just because you are legally bound to be.”

Megan pulled at his hand, trying to coax him up but he would not budge. “ Don’t. You don’t have to do that. You don’t want to marry me.”

“Brilliant. Now you’re telling me what I want. Nothing is ever easy with you is it? You could just say ‘yes, James. Sorry I have been such an idiot, James.’ It is a bloody yes or no question. It hardly requires discussion.”

“You’re swearing again.”

“Bloody? Hardly. If you want to hear swearing just keep talking rubbish and I’ll show you some proper Aussie profanities.”

Megan shook her head. “Look James, you clearly had no intention of asking me that when you came in the studio.”

“No I bloody well didn’t. I planned on asking you at the Sydney Harbour Bridge. But you knackered that in a way only you could.”

“I told you I ruin everything. I want to be with you more than anything. But you deserve the right to be able to leave when you realise who I really am. No messy divorces, just goodbye and good luck.”

Her arms ached to hold him. It took all of her strength not to wrap herself around him and pretend that everything could be OK.

But James deserved better.

James threw up his hands in exasperation. “Woman, you don’t think I know who you are? I know everything… And I’m still here.”

Megan struggled to swallow past the lump in her throat. “You do know everything about me.” Awe and disbelief robbed her of her ability to think. Every ugly part of her, of her past, had been exposed, laid bare for him. There was no hiding who she was, the mask was gone.

James shrugged his shoulders. “Yep, and I still want you. You’re a lot like hard work but you’re mine and I will keep slogging at it until one of us pops our clogs.”

Megan used the back of her hand to wipe away a fresh torrent of tears. “You really know me…and you still want me?” She could not keep the incredulity from her voice.

James nodded. “Until death do us part. Turns out difficult women are my thing.”

Megan smiled through tears. She certainly had the difficult thing down but she was working on it… “Are you sure?” she asked again.

“Woman, my knee is hurting. I’ll give you ten seconds to give me the right answer, after that I’m getting up and throwing you over my shoulder and taking you away until you can see sense.”

Megan made a squeaking noise as she launched herself into his arms. “Yes. Yes. Yes!” She pressed her lips to his cheek, the stubble on his chin scratching her with each quick kiss. “When we tell this story, we leave out the swearing and the gay first husband. Agreed?”

“Really? Those are the only points you want to negotiate? Honestly I thought it would be harder. Don’t tell me you’re going soft on me, wombat.” James leaned across and kissed her.

Megan opened to him, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him in closer. Eventually she pulled away. “I’m doing this interview. I can’t start a new life with secrets hanging over me. I want a fresh start.”

“Are you sure? I can bury this story so deep it will never see the light of day. Turns out I have just enough of my dad in me to be unethical when I need to be.”

Megan smiled. “Yes I’m sure. But thank you. No one has ever been willing to make a sacrifice for me but your ethical part is my favourite part of you.” She reached over and pulled his arms around her again. “And your arms, these are nice too.” She placed a soft kiss on his mouth. “And your lips, these are nice too. You have lots of nice parts.”

With a groan he pushed her away and stood up. “You better stop that or all of GMN will be seeing my nice parts.”

“No, those parts are all for me, man-whore.”

“Yes they are,” James said as he leaned down and kissed her again.

Epilogue

“Don’t open your eyes yet, And remember if you absolutely hate it, we can have it redone,” James said.

“Why would I hate it? What have you done?” Megan asked dubiously.

James led her to the middle of the room and then took his hand away from her eyes. “What do you think?”

Megan gasped. “Oh James, it’s perfect. Oh no not again. I’m going to cry again. I…just...I just can’t stop. I’m sorry, I’m not sad. I really am happy. Ahh why can’t I stop?” Megan wiped tears away with the back of her hand. “I hate this part of it.” It was perfect. On the wall was a mural from her favourite scene in
The Giving Tree
where the boy was happy and smiling, swinging in the tree’s full branches. It was the perfect gift. The room looked like a fairytale. A large picture window opened up to views of Sydney Harbour Bridge. They had recently finished the remodel on their home in Lavender Bay. They had spent their first six weeks in Australia in a cabin in the Blue Mountains. There had been a lot of media coverage after her appearance on
The Hour
, but Megan had remained blissfully unaware until they moved to Sydney, and by that time it had mostly blown over. If people did recognise her, they never said anything, probably because James was always by her side and no sensible person would want to make an enemy of him.

It was a million miles from Tally, Mississippi in every imaginable way. Her life was better than she ever dreamed possible. She had the love and security she had never let herself think possible. She squeezed her lids together to try to stop the tears, but they managed to push their way through.

James leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “I know, love. Not much longer now.”

“But what if it never stops? What if this is the new me? What if I’m a weepy woman for the rest of my life? Oh James…I’m sorry. I’m doing it again.” She hung her head as a fresh onslaught of tears hit her.

James gently lifted her chin and kissed her. “Then I will have a weepy wife, who I adore, which reminds me we will be late if we don’t leave now.”

“We don’t have to do this now. We can wait until I can fit into a wedding dress.”

“No,” James said adamantly. “We’ll be late to our own wedding if we don’t leave now.”

“I still can’t believe the priest agreed to marry us, what with me being agnostic and pregnant and everything.”

“I actually think Spud helped. Got to think of the children and all that.” James rubbed the expanse of her belly.

“Stop calling her that or it will stick, like man-whore. I know you’re reformed but you will always be my man-whore. So stop calling our daughter Spud. Her name is Adelaide. Call her A or Addy but not Spud.”

“Are you sure you want to name her that? I really should give you some input.”

Megan shook her head. “Of course we’re going to name her Adelaide. There would not be any baby to name if it wasn’t for you.” James had been right; her only limitations had been in her head. He had helped her cross off everything on her long list. With a lot of love and even more patience, he had convinced her that she would be a good mother and she did not need to keep punishing herself for things that had happened a lifetime ago.

“Come on, woman. We’re going to be late. Louise and her family are meeting us at the church. If you don’t step on it, we’ll miss the Mass.”

“I was kind of hoping we would,” she admitted.

A look of sheer terror washed over James. He placed a possessive hand over her bump. Megan laid her hand over his. There had been a change in him since they moved to Australia, a side of him had appeared, more protective and devoted than she could have imagined. He had cried at the first ultrasound. It was such an incongruous sight, this 6’4” man who could frighten men with a single glance was tearing up over a bunch of cells on a blurry black and white screen. At that moment, Megan had known with complete certainty that her child would be the centre of someone’s universe, the way every child should be. Even if she failed miserably, her child would have James to love and protect her.

“No not like that, man-whore. Of course I want to marry you. But you know me; I am more a low-key ceremony kind of a gal. I was thinking something quick in front of a judge.”

James visibly relaxed, the tight knot of muscle in his jaw loosened. “Woman, I know your game. You just want to stop for sapote fruit. I promise to get you some on the way home. I always do.”

“No not that, though that is tempting. You know me far too well Mr. Emerson, ” she said. She had become rather fond of the amazing fruit. The other name for it was the chocolate pudding fruit and that is exactly what it tasted like. On the outside it looked like a green rotting tomato but the inside was like manna from heaven, all sweet brown pulp. “Why do we not have those in America?”

“They are the secret weapon of Aussie men. We use them to trap unsuspecting American women and make them our brides.”

Megan laughed. “You don’t need to bother with the fruit, man-whore. Just lead with the accent and the big penis. No woman could resist.”

James leaned down and kissed her. “It’s talk like that that got you knocked up in the first place. Now hurry, or I will carry you to the altar.”

“Good luck with that. The post office called, I now qualify for my own zip code.”

James rubbed her belly and smiled, completely smitten. James left her no room to worry about whether or not he found her attractive in her current state. She knew some men were put off by pregnancy, but for James the opposite was true. Every night he reached for her. She had even gone as far as asking him if he had some sort of pregnancy fetish, but he assured her it was nothing as exotic, he just loved her and loved that she was giving him the family he always wanted.

“I just wish Ben could be here,” Megan sighed. She had only spoken to Ben once since she left America. The conversation had been painful and stilted, both of them feeling hurt and betrayed. Since then she had felt every emotion from anger to regret. But enough time had passed to give her some perspective. She was grateful to Ben in ways she could only begin to explain, because he had brought her from her past, to James. She would have never been ready for the life she had now if it wasn’t for the time she had with Ben, and the lessons she had learned. He was an important chapter in her life, one she did not want to forget.

“He’s not ready yet. He might never be.”

Megan nodded. She had to accept that possibility. Ben had not reacted to the scandal the way she thought he would. She had hoped that he would find it liberating and finally accept who he was, finally have a chance at finding happiness. But the opposite had happened. After they lost the election, Ben resigned his seat in the Senate and turned to a career as an inspirational speaker. He had aligned himself with a Fundamentalist Christian movement that specialised in curing homosexuals. He fully believed, or at least espoused the belief, that people could pray the gay away.