Dirty Secret (18 page)

Her short blond bob tickled my nose when I leaned in close. I thought I heard my ribs crack when she tightened her embrace; then she let me go with a hard slap on my ass. Maddy had Jae in a bear hug before I could warn her off, and he gracefully didn’t growl or bite her. Her enthusiasm surprised him before his prickly nature could kick in, and she stepped back just as quickly as she’d snagged him, clasping him on the shoulders to get a good look at him.

“Oh, he’s so beautiful, Cole,” she crooned at me over her shoulder. Winking at Jae, she said, “It’s good to finally meet you. Mike’s told me
nothing
about you, and Cole’s just as close-mouthed.”

“Jae, this is Maddy McGinnis, scourge of fellow architects and runners,” I said, waving my hand between the two of them. “Maddy, this is Jae-Min Kim, photographer extraordinaire, and a man with the poor sense to get involved with me. Don’t scare him off. I haven’t had him long, and I’d kind of like to keep him around.”

“It’s good to meet you.” She finally let go of Jae, and he gave her a slight bow, tucking his shoulders in. “I’m glad you could drag Cole to dinner.”

“He asked me,” Jae murmured politely. “I only had to drag a little.”

“I actually told him I needed him. He promised to hold the door open so I could bolt,” I said. A pair of slim gray curves rested near the bench in their foyer. “Hey, are those new legs?”

“Yeah, they’re made for running. Aren’t they cool?” She grinned at me and tugged up her trousers so I could see her left foot. It curved naturally into a two-inch open-toe heel, ending with delicate crimson-painted toenails. “These are new too. They’re adjustable, so I can wear flats or heels. I’m trying them out, but so far, I like them.”

“And they fit into your legs?” I picked up the flexible curve by the bench. Its bottom was wider than her other running legs, made to slide into a knee socket rather than fitting into her leg connection. The foot attachment resembled a tank tread, and I tested its spring back on my hand. “I kind of liked the other ones.”

“Those are for sprinting.” She laughed. “These are for long distance.”

“The other ones are these cool metal blades,” I informed Jae. “I kept telling her to sharpen the edges so they were like knives, so when she ran, she could kick out and take people down like a ninja. She didn’t seem to like that idea.”

“People would tend to notice if I left legless people behind me when I ran,” Maddy laughed. “They’d think I was contagious.”

“Think of the terror you’d strike in the hearts of your competitors,” I suggested, putting the foot down. “Mad Dog McGinnis, pestilence incarnate.”

“You’re silly,” she said, taking the wine from where I’d put it down. “I’m guessing this is mine?”

“You think I’d drink something as girly as wine?” I fell into step behind her. Jae hovered by the door, and Maddy turned to look at him questioningly. I glanced back, and he looked down at his shoes, finally deciding to slide them off his feet.

“I feel odd walking into a house with shoes on,” he explained to Maddy.

She laughed and nodded. “Hey, you’re talking to the person who leaves her feet by the door. I understand. Come on in to the kitchen, and grab something to drink. Then we can go outside together.”

The house was a canvas of crisp lines and retro furniture. Maddy’s taste ran to an updated British Mod vibe. I asked Mike how he felt living in a set from
Velvet Goldmine
. He gave me a blank look, and said he didn’t care what the house looked like, so long as Maddy lived there. That being said, I was shocked when he told me he’d replaced the kitchen floor. Neither the house nor Maddy were Spanish tile friendly.

So it was no surprise to see tatami mats covering the tile.

Maddy spotted me glancing down at the floor and shook her head. “We’re not talking about it. I’m going to San Francisco in a week. It’ll be gone when I get back.”

I opened my mouth to speak, and she shot me a dangerous look. Holding up my hands, I begged off the scolding. “I was just going to ask where everyone was.”

“Outside on the patio. Mike thought it might be better if we ate out there. The girls are using the pool,” she said, softening her voice. “You ready for this?”

“Yeah.” I helped myself to a beer from the fridge, offering one to Jae. Twisting open my bottle, I took a big gulp. “Let’s go do this.”

H
E
’
D
changed.

My boogeyman was slightly older, a little more wrinkled, and the brown hair I’d inherited from him was now shot heavily with silver. There was a slight slump to his shoulders, but they were as thick as I’d remembered. His Irish complexion ran to a ruddy bronze from the time he spent out in the sun, and the hair on his exposed forearms was nearly blond. I must have grown a bit since I’d left home, because I topped him by an inch or so, but from the belligerent jut of his jaw, I’d say he took it as a personal insult he had to look up a little bit to meet my gaze.

Oddly, as I stared at my father for the first time in over a decade, I couldn’t pinpoint what I felt. The anger and confusion in my head seemed distant, an echoing refrain of a fight I could barely remember having. Behind me, I heard Jae asking Maddy about the succulents she’d planted on the hill behind the house, and the squealing laughter of the three young girls playing in the yard’s brightly lit, black-bottomed pool.

His hard green eyes followed me as I walked across the patio, narrowing when I stopped to slap Mike on the back to say hello. They became slits when a slender, coltish teenage girl splashed out of the pool and slammed her soaking wet body into mine.

“Cocoa!” I didn’t care that Tasha was dripping wet and my shirt would probably suffer from the chlorine in the pool water. Her arms came up around my neck, and I hugged her tight, lifting her off the ground easily. The tiny toddler who followed me like my own babbling shadow somehow had become a beautiful young woman.

“Hey, Tazzie.” My heart seized up, and I found the air in my lungs too scarce to keep me alive. I closed my eyes and cradled her head, refusing to let her go until I’d gotten my fill of holding her.

It was Mike who broke us up, rapping me on the shoulder. “You need to meet the girls, Cole. Have Tasha introduce you.”

Strange couldn’t begin to describe how I felt being introduced to my own little sisters. They looked like echoes of Tasha, snapshots of ages I’d missed. The middle one, Bianca, was about twelve, and a bit owlish in round black-rimmed glasses, but her shy smile was welcoming. Unlike Tasha’s waist length locks, she wore her hair in a bob similar to Maddy’s, and judging by the hero worship in her blue eyes when my sister-in-law came out with a tray of food, she’d chosen her hairstyle to purposely emulate her idol.

“And this is Mellie,” Tasha said, waving her hand in an elaborate flourish at the littlest one. Leaning in, she whispered into my ear. “I told them all about you, Cocoa. So don’t try to pull any of your nose-stealing tricks.”

“Hey there, Mellie.” I crouched, so we were at eye level. She studied me with a serious intent only a five-year-old could give.

“My real name is Melissa,” she finally announced, lisping through her missing front teeth. “Daddy says you’re a fucking frigate.”

I’d never actually been in a moment where the world stopped, and I could have heard a pin drop if there’d been one to toss on the floor. I definitely was in one now. It was kind of funny to see the reactions of everyone around me as they figured out the real word my little sister meant to say. There was a moment of comprehension, then a look of abject horror.

“Tasha, why don’t you take your sisters and clean up so we can eat dinner?” Barbara limped carefully through the french doors off the living room. “Shower the chlorine off. You’ll be itchy if you don’t.”

Tasha shot me a sympathetic look as she hustled our younger sisters into the house. Mellie went easily enough, but Bianca was a bit more reluctant, casting a soulful look back at the pool. I finally stood up, wincing at the twinge in my side as my scars feigned abuse.

Where my father wore the decade hard on his face and body, Barbara looked as if barely a day had passed since I’d last seen her. Her hair was different, a brighter blond and curling down to her shoulders, but her face was smooth, and with only a whisper of makeup to enhance her eyes. Leaning on a purple metal cane and dressed in a pink sweater set, she was a fine representation of the Junior League chapter she belonged to.

Seeing Barbara brought back memories of hot chocolate chip cookies and glasses of cold milk waiting for me after school, campouts in our backyard in a shoddily erected tent, and the first kiss I got from another guy, which happened, oddly enough, in the front seat of her Toyota.

Unlike my father, seeing her hurt, and I had to turn away, my eyes burning, because, just like the last time, she did nothing to defend me.

I needed air. Strange, since I was outside, but I needed space. Keeping my pace steady, I strode past Jae and back into the kitchen. He reached out for me as I went by, our hands brushing briefly. He cocked his head questioningly, then followed me, a lithe, fearless shadow I’d knowingly tossed into my own personal hell.

“Don’t go after him, Barb,” I heard my father say. “That faggot always ran from a fight. Why should now be different?”

Jae closed the door behind us before any more pearls of wisdom dropped at our feet. I leaned on the kitchen counter, pressing my palms on the cold granite top in the hopes it would cool me down. He placed his hands on my back, running them up my sides until they rested on my shoulder blades. Sighing, he leaned against me, pressing his entire body to my back and legs. We were still like that a second later when the back door opened, and I heard the distinct click and shuffle of someone walking with a cane.

“I’d like some time with Cole, please,” Barbara drawled. “If you don’t mind waiting outside, Mister….”

I turned around, hooking my arm around Jae’s waist to keep him near. He quirked a sardonic smile at me and jerked his head toward the door, silently asking me if I wanted him to leave. Cupping his face with both of my hands, I brushed a gentle kiss on his full lips and murmured into his mouth, “Go on. I’ll be okay.”

She waited until Jae left before turning to me with a revolted look on her face. It soured the prettiness she cultivated, curling her upper lip in an ugliness I’d not seen before. “Did you have to put on that disgusting display? Or was that just for my benefit?”

“Actually, that was for my benefit.” I was surprised at how calm I sounded. I didn’t feel calm. I hurt. Deep inside of me, the anguish bubbled and simmered, finally coming to a boil to burn my throat and mouth. Staring at her, everything I thought I would feel for my father suddenly struck me full in the face, and I nearly reeled back, surprised at the bleeding cuts in my soul.

“Fucking hell,” I laughed.

“Language, Cole,” Barbara snapped. “I won’t have you swearing in front of me.”

“Oh no, but you won’t correct my father when he says I’m a fucking faggot in front of my little sister? We all know what she heard. She’s just too young to know the word.” I cocked my head at her. She started to open her mouth, but I cut her off before she could say anything. “You know something, Barbara? I came here expecting a fight with Dad, and then I realized something when I heard Mellie. He
always
sounded like that. I wasn’t really shocked. I shouldn’t have been surprised when he kicked me out, but you… you were a huge fucking surprise.”

“What would you have me do?” She leaned the cane against the back door and crossed her arms. I knew that gesture. I’d seen it often enough growing up to know she wasn’t in a mood to discuss anything other than what I had to do to get out of trouble. “Did you want me to break up the family over your sickening habit? Would that have made you happy? Destroying the rest of us?”

“I’m gay, Barb,” I snorted. “Not an addict.”

“Did you think I wanted your sister growing up around that?” she pressed, tapping the counter with her long fingernails. “I needed to protect her from….”

“From what? Me?” I stepped toward her, and she jerked back, squaring her shoulders. The pearl buttons on her sweater trembled as she fiddled with her collar. “What were you protecting her from? Seeing me happy?”

“Is that what you are? Because from what Mike tells me, happy is not how he described you,” she spat back. Her voice rose slightly, a trembling warble that promised angry tears were on the way. “You were gunned down by your own partner. You nearly died. You don’t think that he did it because you’re a homo?”

“And where were you?” I shot back. “Huh,
Mom
? Where the fuck were you when they were taking my dead lover away from me and leaving me nothing but shreds? I’ll tell you where. Standing on that same fucking porch you stood on when Dad spat in my face and told me to get the fuck out.”

“I will not stand here….” Barbara made to grab her cane, but I put my hand on its handle before she could reach it.

“And be spoken to this way?” I completed for her. “You know what hurts the most?”

She trembled next to me. A part of me cried at the thought of the woman who nursed me when I was sick being afraid of me, but the clarity of what Jae’d been telling me over the past few months finally hit me. His biggest fear was his family turning their backs on him, and some part of me denied it would ever happen. Probably because I’d denied it had happened to me.

“Fuck me,” I swore softly. “I keep telling him I understood how he felt, and I had no fucking clue. Not until right now.”

“Let me get past you, Cole. I’m going outside now,” Barbara said tightly, reaching again for her cane.

“You were the
only
mother I ever knew,” I whispered. “I don’t remember my other mom. I never met her. I don’t remember a time when you weren’t my
mom.
I expected you to stand up for me. Because you’re my
mom
. But see, you threw me away, Barbara. You threw me away like a piece of dog shit you found on your lawn. Like I was nothing to you. Like I
never
meant anything to you.”