Disgrace (20 page)

“I have a twin brother.” She takes another sip of her drink but says nothing. “He got mixed up with the wrong people. I’m not making excuses. He knew what he was doing, he just didn’t care. He was a drug addict, stole from his friends and family, lied every time we tried to help him get clean. One night, when he was high, he came home. Our mum tried to help him, and he lashed out, knocked her to the ground. I came in just too late. She was unconscious. I flew at him, but he had the kitchen knife my mother had been using. He turned just at the right moment. The knife entered under my ribs, sliced up a few organs. I was bleeding out, and my mum was…she could’ve been dead for all he cared. He ran and I was glad.” Sam reaches across the table and takes my clenched fist, peeling the digits open from the white knuckle grip.

“Your scar?” Her eyes dip to my left side from earlier. I nod.

“I was in Intensive Care for a few weeks but made a full recovery. My mum has no recollection of anything that happened that night. A blessing, but she was broken when Will never returned.”

“Do you know where he is now?” She squeezes my hand, and I welcome the warmth.

“Florida…He’s a marine biologist.” I sniff out a laugh at her obvious confusion. “He went missing for two years but surfaced. He was clean and studying for a degree funded by an outreach programme where he volunteered. He was too ashamed to come home, but his counselor convinced him it was the right thing.”

“The Mission…That’s why it’s special?” she asks remembering my words from yesterday.
Jesus, was it just yesterday?
I nod.

“They saved him when we couldn’t. He’d be dead if it wasn’t for that programme. I don’t doubt that for a moment.” I can feel a pinch and tingle behind my nose. He’s my brother, and I could’ve lost him all too easily.

“You forgave him?” Her tone is a little sharp but brings me back from my own nightmare.

“It wasn’t him, Sam. Again, I’m not making excuses. I think he was weak to take that path, especially when he could see the damage he was doing. But once he was on that path, he was no longer my brother, he was a different person. When he came back to us, he was Will again. I had to forgive him. My mother was broken, and he healed her. He healed the family.”

“I never forgave.” Her tone is bitter.

“And I wouldn’t if I were you, but this was different, don’t you think?”

“Yes. Sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that. I just think some things are unforgivable.” She shakes away the dark cloud. “So, twin brother, hmm?” She gives an impish grin.

“Jesus Christ, Sam.” She winks, and I laugh and pat my lap for her to join me. She shakes her head still picking at the food. “Do you have hollow legs?”

“I’m stocking up .Who knows how long until you feed me next?”

“I
’m not going.” I tuck my legs beneath me on the sofa and push the mass of shiny red material Leon has just dumped in my lap on to the floor. He huffs and picks it up, swirling my six-foot, handmade, bright red bullwhip in his hand. “And I am definitely not using that.” I snort.

“You owe me,” he goads with a challenging peak of his brow. He lets out a frustrated puff when I remain unmoved. “I’m happy the
Beauty and the Beast
Disney romance thing seems to be working for you, Sam. Honestly I am…I even cleared the way for it to happen, hence I’m calling in the favour. But it’s been four vomit-inducing weeks with all the gooey, lovey dovey eye contact and marathon fuck sessions. Which, don’t get me wrong, I did fear you had healed up in that department. So I’m pleased you’re getting some.” He barely draws breath before continuing his friendly diatribe. “Four weeks, Sam! I need more than what my right hand and a passing pussy are currently providing.” He grumbles and shoves his hand roughly down the front of his jeans emphasising his crude dilemma. “Please, Sam.” He pouts and drops to his knees in front of me.

“You know this is weird right?” He rests his head on my lap, his dark eyes pleading and mischievous at the same time. “You know Charlie is more than capable of helping you out.”

“True, but when you’ve had the best…” He slowly blinks his indecently long lashes before he goes in for the kill. He’s a lawyer by trade and ruthless by nature. “At the risk of repeating myself. You. Owe. Me.” He pitches up on his knees and lightly pokes my nose with each word. A self-satisfied smile spreads wide across his handsome face.

“The reason I’m reluctant is the same reason you think I owe you.” I wrinkle my nose and roll my eyes at his impassive face.

“Jason?”

“Jason,” I confirm. Just his name is enough to make my lips morph into a sappy wide grin.

“Correct me if I’m wrong…but I am never wrong, so just shh.” He pushes his fingers firmly against my lips. “This is the first night in four weeks he isn’t hanging off you like some love-struck teenager. He’s not the only starving man in your life, Sam,” he practically growls but then softens his tone. “I consider it your duty to make the most of this impromptu time out from lovers’ cloud nine where you have been hibernating and spend the evening with me.” He picks up my cat suit from the floor and pushes it into my hands. “I have been very accommodating and have yet to mention the wanton neglect of your best friend duties.” He sits up and leans his frame over me.

“You’re pulling the best friend card?” I quip.

“You bet your arse I am. It has to be good for something other than having live porn in full surround sound streaming through the bedroom walls all night.” I snicker and can feel my cheeks flare with heat.

“I don’t ask often, not nearly as much as I want to.” His jokey tone is softer now, tender with a touch of desperation, and my heart squeezes for my best friend when he adds his closing argument. “I trust you, Sam, like no other.”

“I don’t understand.” I shake my head with resignation. I bet he wins all his cases.

“Ours is not to question why…” he recites in a light triumphant voice.

“Our is just to whip and cry.” I sigh at his triumphant wicked grin.

“You remembered.” He leans in and kisses my nose.

“Every lesson.” I nod and smile with fondness at our unconventional shared history.

“So do I,” he whispers with a flash of his best winning smile. “Shall we?” He springs to standing and holds out his hand, helping me up, his sheer delight and pleasure is plastered across his face with the widest smile. It is enough to cloud my reticence with guilt and rightly make my reluctance misplaced. He is a good friend; he’s my best friend. In all other aspects of his life, he is just as dominant and demanding as any other alpha I know. Equally, in his position, it’s not like he can ask just anyone to beat the crap out of him, or more specifically, whip him raw. A great deal of what we do and who we are is built on reputation and trust. I know he fears he would lose his standing if people knew. This may be true in the vanilla world, but in the safety of the club, I happen to think he has more to lose by hiding who he really is, but it’s his life. And he is not the only one hiding.

The night of the day I left home. I found myself in a stranger’s flat, having the weirdest birthday I can ever recall. Leon lived on his own in a dank basement flat in a grimy part of Camden. I clutch that phone like my life depended on it and to be fair, alone in a basement with a stranger, my life could’ve depended on it. But this was Leon. He pulls out the sofa bed and set about fixing the sheets. I just stand there watching, awkward and nervous, and wondering every second when he is going to pounce. He pulls back the comforter and I crawl in fully clothed. He tucks me in and goes to the kitchen. He returns with two steaming cups of hot chocolate but after the first searing sip I can feel the burn of something more potent lurking.

“Rum,” he says. “It warms the soul and loosens lips.” He gives a playful wink and sits down beside me, and long minutes pass in comfortable silence. I sip the drink and begin to relax. Leon drags his long legs onto the bed but stays on top of the covers and like me, is fully clothed. He starts talking. I start talking. At some point I drop the phone and lean against his strong chest. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and I relax. No, it was more than that, and it sounds trite, but after just a few hours, I felt like I was home.

That long soul-searching night spent talking with Leon turned into a month sleeping on his sofa couch. He was right; he was one of the good guys.

Newly qualified Leon works as a junior in a law firm. He works long, irregular hours and seems to like coming home after a hard day to a clean flat and a badly cooked meal. My mother had insisted when the time came for me to marry that I would have staff and would never need to so much as heat toast, leaving me with life skills of a preschooler. Still, I could pierce a film and press a microwave button like a pro.

He never once tried for something
more
despite the obvious attraction. Obvious on my part at least. He is fit and extremely confident in his skin. He rarely wears more than boxer shorts round the flat. His torso is lean and ripped with tight muscles. His smooth, dark, tanned skin stretches over strong, muscular thighs and broad shoulders. On more than one occasion he makes my mouth water. He is kind and beautiful, inside and out. I am definitely attracted to him, but I desperately value our friendship and need that so much more than I need to quell my burgeoning desire. I am grateful for the friendship, but I’m thrilled to be able feel something other than dread when I think about sex.

One evening, Leon returns and drops a pile of University prospectuses in my lap.

“With your results, you could pretty much pick any course you want, but if you pick a London university you are welcome to stay with me. I’ll look for a bigger place, and if you pick law, I’ll be your private tutor.” He slides his long legs over the back of the sofa and sits heavily at my side. He chuckles and tips my mouth shut. I shake my head, I didn’t realise my jaw had dropped open, but I am speechless.

“What are you talking about? I can’t go to University, Leon, that’s crazy.” I shift so I am facing him. It’s his turn to look confused.

“Why not?” His face is etched with concern, his tone very serious. I don’t know what to say. I never gave it any thought. I never really believed my life was mine to make any choices. The silence stretches. He lets out and soft breath and reaches for my hand. He pulls it into his lap and twists to face me.

“Don’t get me wrong I kinda like having you here for me every night, but you are more than this, Sam. You can do anything. You’re free to be anyone you want to be.” His smile falters when he sees my frown deepen.

“I’m…that’s not what I’m supposed to do with my life. Thank you, but I can’t.” I try to pull my hand back, but he clutches tighter, and I shift, uncomfortable with his scrutiny.

“Can’t what?” His tone is sharp.

“I look this way because I am only meant for one thing. I’m not going to University, Leon, it’s not right for me.” I can’t hide my agitation.

“Really? And tell me what is right for you?” His voice is thick with sarcasm.

“My mother thought—” I snap my mouth shut at his bitter interruption.