Disinformation Book of Lists (26 page)

1

Amputees

If this fetish gets your mast up, look out for
Stumpfuckers
starring Long Jeanne Silver.

2

Autofellatio

If your schlong is long enough and the rest of your body is flexible enough, you too can give yourself a blowjob. If you can't, you can still watch those who can. Ron Jeremy's early claim to fame was an act of autofellatio in 1981's
Inside Seka.
In the scene, the “Marilyn Monroe of porn” will blow everyone but Ron, who opts to service himself.

Videos like
Blow Your Own Horn, I Lick It Cuz I Like It
, and
Because They Can
feature guys going down (or is it up?) on themselves. And, yes, some of them swallow.

3

Bald women

Women with shaved pussies are a dime a dozen in porn, but only once in a while do you see women with bald heads. The
Q Balls
movies may be the only ones of their kind.

4

Cream pie videos

If you can't figure this out from the context, I'll spell it out for you: The latest trend to hit pornoland is the “internal cumshot” craze, as seen in such films as
Five Guy Cream Pie, Cream Filled Teens
, and
Internal Combustion.

5

Enemas

Among the works in this genre are
XXXtreme Enemas, Ecstasy Waterworks
, and
The Enema Bandit Strikes Again.

6

Face-sitting

Also called “queening,” you can get an eyeful of this act in
Face-Sitting Fanatics
and
Clamsucker.

7

Fingering

It may seem like one of the lesser sex acts, but it too is the subject of entire movies, including
Pussy Poppers
and
Finger Friggin'.

8

Hairy women

In films like
Hairy Hippy Chicks, Hirsute Harlots
, and
Dirty Hairy
, the women have moustaches, and dense tangles of hair matting their crotches, legs, armpits, and other areas.

9

Little people

Seeing as how there are so few roles for dwarves in legit movies, I guess it's not too surprising that some have turned to the porn industry. A triumvirate of little men star in
Snow White and the Three Dwarves
, while short women get their moment in
Microslut
and
Bridget the Midget's Gangbang.

10

Masturbation

Who needs more than one person to make a porn movie? Not the stars of
Stinkin' Fingers, Rub the Muff
, and
All Alone and No One to Bone.

11

Menstruating women

Given our culture's aversion to the monthly cycle,
On the Rag, Period Pieces
, and
College Girls: 4th Period
rank as some of the most controversial porn films around.

12

Obese women and men

Starring horndogs who weigh hundreds and hundreds of pounds,
Chubby Chasers, Bulk Male
, and
Life in the Fat Lane
put lots of skin into skin flicks.

13

Pierced women

Women with more than the usual number of holes are featured in
Trendy Pierced Young Things, Pierced Be-atch!
, and
Pierced, Pun-toured and Perverted.

14

Pissing

Waste not, want not with
Watch Me Tinkle, Piss Guzzlers
, and
Squirt 'Em Cowgirl!.

15

Prego porn

Round bellies and milky breasts are the order of the day in porno featuring pregnant women
—Ready to Pop, Labor of Love, The Drop Zone
, etc.

16

Pubic areas getting shaved

Cream is for shaving in vids like
Shave Me Down!
and
Shaved and Depraved.

17

Senior women

Some complain that our culture links sexual attractiveness exclusively to youth, but that's not always the case. Just ask the senior citizens who star in porn movies like the
Mature Women
series,
Granny Gets Her Cookies, Aged to Perfection, Grandma Does Dallas, Granny Does a Tranny, “Hey, My Grandma Is a Whore!”
, and many others. Women in their 60s are common, and porn starlets in their 80s aren't unheard of. More rarely, you'll see some dirty old men, as in
Grandpa Gets a Woody.

18

Tattooed women

Pierced girls shouldn't get all the attention. Watch
Rude, Screwed and Tattooed
and
Tattooed Love Girl
for women with serious ink on their skin.

19

Twins

Sisters are doing it for themselves and for
you
, the viewing public. Notable porno terrible twosomes are the Thai Sisters and the London Shaggers.

20

Women wearing only socks

Yes, every fetish has its corresponding movies.
The Joy of Socks
and
G-Strings and Bobby Socks
prove it.

21

Women who ejaculate

Those who deny the existence of female ejaculation obviously have never seen movies of women who shoot bigger loads than guys. Just look for anything with the word “Squirt” in the title.

22

Women who smoke

And not just with their mouths….

23

Women with strap-ons

Judging by the number of websites, photos, and movies available, there are a lot of people who love watching a woman strap on a dildo and nail everyone in sight with her plastic schlong. The two basic subcategories here depend on who's receiving the fem-penis—another woman or a guy
(Babes Ballin' Boys).
Some videos—like the
Sorority Strap-ons
series—go both ways, showing guys and dolls getting humped by women who pack.

Honorable Mentions

Cat fights

Women clawing, scratching, and ripping can be seen in
Body Slamming Bitches, P.L.O.W (Punk Ladies of Wrestling)
, and
Mistress Kembra's Island of Hell
, all three directed by performance artist Kembra Pfahler of The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black fame.

 

Nude workouts

Plenty of videos will let you watch buff people in the buff lifting weights, aerobicizing, or doing yoga and tai chi.

The following animals have all been sited engaging in homosexual activities. Each one has been reported in the scientific literature, which was scoured by biologist Bruce Bagemihl for his mammoth survey,
Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity.

1.
Baboon

2.
Barn owl

3.
Bear
(including black, grizzly, koala, and polar)

4.
Bighorn sheep

5.
Bonobo
(a primate)

6.
Brown rat

7.
Caribou

8.
Cat
(domestic)

9.
Cheetah

10.
Chicken

11.
Chimpanzee

12.
Cockroach

13.
Deer
(several types)

14.
Desert tortoise

15.
Dog
(domestic)

16.
Dolphin
(several types)

17.
Dragonfly

18.
Duck
(several types)

19.
Elephant
(African and Asiatic)

20.
Emu

21.
Flamingo

22.
Gazelle

23.
Giraffe

24.
Goat

25.
Gorilla

26.
Gray squirrel

27.
Guinea pig

28.
Hamster

29.
Herring gull

30.
Horse

31.
Housefly

32.
Hummingbird
(several types)

33.
Indian rhinoceros

34.
Lion

35.
Lizard

36.
Mallard duck

37.
Monarch butterfly

38.
Moose

39.
Mountain zebra

40.
Octopus

41.
Orangutan

42.
Ostrich

43.
Penguin
(several types)

44.
Pig

45.
Porcupine

46.
Rabbit

47.
Raccoon

48.
Rattlesnake

49.
Raven

50.
Salmon

51.
Sand shark

52.
Sea otter

53.
Seagull

54.
Sheep

55.
Swan
(several types)

56.
Tasmanian devil

57.
Turkey

58.
Vampire bat

59.
Walrus

60.
Warthog

61.
Water buffalo

62.
Whale
(several types, including bow head, fin, gray, killer, and—I'm trying not to make a wisecrack—sperm)

63.
Wolf

1

“Cocksucker Blues” by the Rolling Stones

One of the most infamous unreleased songs in rock and roll history, “Cocksucker Blues” was the Stones' one-finger salute to their original record label. In 1970-1, the bad-boy Brits had started their own label (called, simply enough, Rolling Stones Records), but they still owed Decca a final single. Apparently, music contracts back then didn't stipulate that a single had to be
releasable
, because as fulfillment of their contractual obligation, Mick and the boys turned in a raunchy, bluesy song about a small-town boy who goes to London looking for hot gay sex. The chorus goes:

When I get my cock sucked
When I get my ass fucked
I may not be good-lookin'
But I know where to put it every time

At least two versions of the song exist—the demo done by Mick and Keith alone and a later, longer version with the whole band in the studio.

“Cocksucker Blues” is also the name of a gritty documentary that captured the Stones' 1972 tour, with all manner of groupie sex, drug use, various debauchery, and some of the band's most electrifying performances. Like the song, the film is officially unreleased, though both are available as bootlegs.

2

“Pussy Control” by Prince

The Purple One is certainly no stranger to sexual songs, and “Pussy Control” stands with the best of them, such as “Let's Pretend We're Married” and “Darling Nikki.” In fact, it ranks among his best work, and it wouldn't be out of place on
Purple Rain
or
Sign o' the Times
, although it was recorded much later (probably 1994).

The music is ass-shakingly funky, decorated with lots of post-production sound effects. The lyrics tell the story of a woman with the unlikely name of Pussy Control. Then again, maybe this name isn't so unlikely when you realize that she's a pimp with an MBA. After being beaten by her peers when she was a girl, Pussy decided that living well would be the best revenge, so she studied hard, earned straight A's, and now runs an extremely successful ho operation. (The girls that beat her down are now turning tricks for her.) Her single-minded determination is spelled out in the second verse:

Pussy got bank in her pockets
Before she got dick in her drawers
If brother didn't have good and plenty of his own
In love Pussy never did fall

When some guy tries to impress Pussy by telling her she can sing backing vocals on a song of his, she replies:

“Niggah you're crazy if you don't know
Every girl in the world ain't a freak
You could go platinum four times
Still wouldn't make what I make in a week.”

The song ends when the narrator macks on Ms. Control, and she gives him the brush-off. Prince has performed “Pussy Control” live, and he has been known to play the studio version to concert audiences before he takes the stage. So far, the song hasn't been released on a legitimate record.

3

“God's Gift to Women” by Jewel

Sure, dirty songs by the Stones and Prince aren't exactly out of character, but you might not expect such things from Jewel, who sweetly sings the mega-hits “Who Will Save Your Soul” and “You Were Meant for Me,” not to mention “Ave Maria.” During her pre-fame days, when she was writing and performing songs prolifically, she penned this ode to a guy who is well-hung and/or fucks really well. She starts off with a bit of boastfulness:

Would you like to ram your tongue down my throat
Would you like to grab my thighs
Yes, I have got nice tits
They are the perfect grab-me size

But she quickly does an about-face with some self-deprecating lines about being “so desperate” that “I'll do you on the front lawn” and “I'll do you and your mom.” She certainly wasn't aiming for the feminist demographic when she wrote:

I was just thinking that it'd be really cool
If I got hit upside the head with a manly tool
That way he could have nothing left to say
And have his way with me all day

And who'd ever have thought that the young woman who once sang “I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way” would belt out the line: “I've been saving myself my whole life for some motherfucker like you to come along”?

Besides being available as live bootleg, “God's Gift” was recorded in the studio for the demo CD,
Save the Linoleum
, that Jewel cut for record labels. Although some of the other tracks appeared on her debut album,
Pieces of You
, this one has yet to appear on a commercial release.

4

Unnamed song by Dean Martin

Perhaps even more shocking—or not, if you think about it—Dean Martin is alleged to have recorded a dirty ditty on a lark. In 1956, he and Jerry Lewis were in the studio to record a commercial for their new flick,
The Caddy.
They kept flubbing the lines, which started them cursing and cutting up. For several takes, they decided to be as nasty as they wanted to be.

This must've given Dino an idea, because he then laid down a musical number that the FBI—in Martin's file—later characterized as “extremely obscene.” The song and the commercials were bootlegged, but the song still remains quite hard to find. A record collector on the Net says that the title is “All American Bum,” but I've found no confirmation.

Honorable Mention

Craters of the Sac
by Ween

College silly-rockers Ween quasi-officially released a set of songs only online, collectively know as
Craters of the Sac.
These MP3 tracks include “big fat fuck,” “put the coke on my dick,” “makin' love in the gravy,” and “suckin' the blood from the devil's dick.”