Disinformation Book of Lists (37 page)

 

When Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (Republican - Tennessee) offered his self-published genealogy on Amazon, he might not have realized what he was doing. Sporting a price tag of $50 and the pro-eugenics title
Good People Beget Good People
, the vanity project inspired dozens of hilarious customer “reviews” slamming Frist on everything from his family's corrupt healthcare company (HCA) to his admission that he used to vivisect and kill cats he “adopted” at shelters. As I suspected they would, Amazon soon deleted the thrashings, so for the sake of preservation—and to add some levity to this book—here are some of the best. (All errors of grammar, punctuation, etc. remain uncorrected.)

1

[one-star rating]
Frist in cat skins
, February 2, 2004
Reviewer:
Terry Duke Laslough
from Trinity South carolina

Not since the glory days of slavery have we seen such a heroic figure as Cat Killer Frist.

This epic tale of a family that climbed from the pits of incest, congenital mental impairment, and sexual debauchery to be crowned first bootlick to the Monkey faced boy king is truly staggering.

From the opening where little Pansy, the slavering one eyed love child of siamese twin cousins, creates a family legacy by maiming her first feline to the closing chapter where the First bootlick himself parades through congress in his homemade dress of cat skins, we are taken on a non stop thrill ride.

Truly this is a tale of america as seen through the jaundiced eye of a slobbering third cousin who mated with his own mother to beget what we have today, Cat Killer First Bootlick Frist.

2

[one-star rating]
A triumph of antidisnonmiscegenation
, February 12, 2004 Reviewer:
A reader
from Jacksonville, FL USA

The genius of the Frist line is that, like the Jefferson and Thurmond lines, they kept the caucasian line entirely separated from the Negro/mulatto/quadrron/octaroon/hexade-caroon/high yellow/could-almost-pass-for-white-but-I-know-better line of the family.

This book of course represents the caucasian line which lived in houses like the one pictured on the cover. The miscegented line lived and died in shanties, hovels, leantos, slave quarters, ghettoes and other dwellings befitting the creatures produced when good people get a little reckless and beget with dark people. A second volume of the book is planned, to explore this side of the family history, to be entitled, “Good People Sometimes Make Youthful Errors with the Colored Help and Either Arrange for an Abortion, or Ship the Help Off to Another State Where They Beget Half-Good People Who Shall Never Know They Carry Frist Genes, So Help Us God.”

3

[one-star rating]
*ssholes beget *ssholes, too
, February 4, 2004
Reviewer:
solt
from Way out west

Bill Frist disemboweled five of my littermates for the greater good of his offshore bank account, so I'd say this book is purr-fect.

4

[five-star rating]
I begot what I was going to say…
, February 3, 2004
Reviewer:
A reader
from Philadelphia, PA USA

Oh yeah…

5

If good people beget good people, do bad people beget bad people?

How can we tell bad people from good people?

These are some of the topics covered in this brilliant book by U.S. Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist, M.D..

The answer, Dr. Frist informs us, is that good people make lots and lots of money, while bad people work just as hard but make very little. We must stop these bad people from begetting before they beget more bad people.

That's where forced sterilization comes in. Pioneering experimentation done on adopted kittens led Dr. Frist to his conclusion that the cheapest, most cost-effective means of forced sterilization is execution. Frist executed dozens of cats, both good and bad, and these cats did not beget any more.

Now if we just execute bad people (we can identify them by their low incomes) they will not beget either!

Dr. Frist opens a door to a bright new American future!

5

[one-star rating]
Such an ambitious family!!
, February 2, 2004
Reviewer:
A reader
from San Pedro, CA USA

I most enjoyed the tale of the plucky Frist family business stealing billions from me and my fellow tax payers, billions intended to provide health care for the poor, elderly and children. 14 felony convictions. That's gotta be some kind of record!

Oh. That's not mentioned in the book? Huh. Odd.

Well, Google around for “HCA Columbia frist fraud” and you can learn about it.

Excerpts

6

“I rate this book five tortured and slaughtered kitties out of a possible five. It's sure to win the Mengele Eugenics Award at The New Republic's Gala Celebration of the 25th Anniversary of the Publication of ‘The Bell Curve'!” “Perhaps the Senator could take a look at my geneology and let me know whether I, too, spawn from ‘good people.' If not, I guess I might as well just give up. This book makes me long for the literary company of a family with a bit more humility, like the Bushes.”

7

“Frist explains the intricacies of human reproduction in a way sure to confound, bedevil, and infuriate his natural constituency of Tennessee creationists.”

8

“Why strive to be good if your parents aren't WASPS?”

9

“it's like tennessee williams huffin' spray varnish!”

10

“Perhaps the Senator could take a look at my geneology and let me know whether I, too, spawn from ‘good people.' If not, I guess I might as well just give up. This book makes me long for the literary company of a family with a bit more humility, like the Bushes.”

11

“This book was so good, I changed my name to Frist so I could say it was about me. I read the whole thing while waiting [in] the reception area for subpar medical service.”

12

“Move away from the kitten, Dr. Frist!”

 

1

“Every government is run by liars, and nothing they say should be believed.”
–investigative journalist I.F. Stone

2

“You are more secure buying a book from Amazon than you are uploading your results to a Diebold server.”
–Michael A. Wertheimer, former National Security Agency analyst, referring to electronic voting machines

3

“There is no act of treachery or meanness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honor.”
–former British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli

4

“All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies”
–John Arbuthnot

5

“A professional politician is a professionally dishonorable man. In order to get anywhere near high office he has to make so many compromises and submit to so many humiliations that he becomes indistinguishable from a streetwalker.”
–H.L. Mencken

6

“[It is a] basic delusion that men may be governed and yet be free.”
–H.L. Mencken

7

“I heartily accept the motto, ‘That government is best which governs least'; and I should like to see it acted up to more rapidly and systematically. Carried out, it finally amounts to this, which also I believe—‘That government is best which governs not at all'; and when men are prepared for it, that will be the kind of government which they will have.”
–Henry David Thoreau

8

[A]nyone who has spent any amount of time in Washington, DC can attest to this—the grant grazing conservative herd is rife with closeted gay men who sing the praises of Republican ‘family values' by day and cruise for boy prostitutes at night.”
–Bill Kauffman,
America First!

9

“Politicians love the death penalty because it makes a bunch of candy-asses look like tough guys.”
–Tony Fitzpatrick, “Idiot Whistle” (song)

10

“If one were to describe the American Revolution as a seditious conspiracy fomented by a band of extremists, misfits, malcontents, and troublemakers dedicated to the overthrow of recognized authority, one well might be right on the mark.”
–John George and Laird Wilcox

11

“If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face—forever…”
–George Orwell

 

1

Bumper-to-bumper

From 1950 to 1970, the US automobile population grew four times faster than the human population. Today, there are around 200 million cars in America. As a result, we Americans spend 8 billion hours per year stuck in traffic.

2

Cars kill people

During the twentieth century, 250 million Americans were maimed or injured in automobile accidents. Every single day in the US, an average of 121 people are killed in car accidents. The leading cause of death for children aged five to fourteen in New York City is pedestrian automobile accidents.

3

Cars kill animals

Automobiles, SUVs, trucks, and other fossil-burning vehicles kill a million wild animals per week in the US—not counting tens of thousands of family pets.

4

Cars exploit dead animals

Substances like anti-freeze, bio-diesel fuel, hydraulic brake fluid, and asphalt binder are all made with ingredients culled from the carcasses of departed animals.

5

Sprawling for dollars

During the last century, an area equal to all the arable land in Ohio, Indiana, and Pennsylvania was paved in the US. This area requires maintenance costing over $200 million a day. (The surreptitious cost of the car culture totals nearly $464 billion a year in the US alone, much of that going to the sustentation of a military presence in the Persian Gulf.)

6

Getting warmer?

Automobiles emit one-quarter of US greenhouse gases.

7

Oil in our veins

The US spends $60 billion per year on foreign oil. Eight million barrels of oil per day are combusted in US cars. That's 450 gallons per person per year.

8

They're all wasted

Cars create 7 billion pounds of unrecycled scrap and waste annually.

9

Leaving rubber

With approximately one billion discarded tires littering our increasingly paved landscape, meditate upon this: Every tire loses one pound of rubber per year, spewing minute grains of rubber into the stratosphere and then back down to find a new home in our water and/or our lungs.

10

Cars are hell

During the 40 days of the (first) Gulf War, 146 Americans died keeping the world safe for petroleum, while at home 4,900 Americans died in motor vehicle accidents.

Mickey Z. is the author of five books and hundreds of articles. His most recent books are: A Gigantic Mistake: Articles and Essays for Your Intellectual Self-Defense (Prime Books) and Seven Deadly Spins: Exposing the Lies Behind War Propaganda (Common Courage Press). Contact him at
[email protected]
.