dissonance. (a Böhme novel) (35 page)

“Realization hit and I knew I couldn’t raise a child in this place. If my father, who I put on a pedestal, fucked up that bad, I knew I would too and I didn’t want that for you. It was bad enough being raised here myself. Granted, it wasn’t all bad. I loved it at times. But it was this hell hole that made me want more for you.”

“Do you really believe that, Brecken?” my mother asked quietly from the kitchen. I hadn’t known she was here for story time.

“Believe what, Mom? That what you and Dad had wasn’t as real as I thought it was? The dream is never possible. The happy endings aren’t possible,” I said. “I didn’t want to continue with the cycle; that’s why I gave Mason up. That’s why I can’t be with Blake. He didn’t put us first. For anyone to be happy
we
have to be most important.”

“Are you sure about that?” Mason asked.

“Yes, I’m fucking sure about that,” I said.

“I think he did put the
us
first. He put your needs above his own. He couldn’t be the one to tell you who I was. That was him putting your relationship first. Would you really want to be with someone who came running to you about everything? Someone who didn’t see the bigger picture and the outcome of his actions? He saw that it was something you and I needed to go through together. He was giving us that opportunity. That should be commendable, not thrown to the fucking wind.”

“He’s right Brecken,” my mother said. “I think I set you up for this. I was the fuck up in that respect.”

“How can you say that, Mom?” I asked.

“Because Brecken, you need to get off your high horse and realize every single one of us fucks up at one point. It’s a fact of life. You my dear are no different and as much as you have tried to fight it, you’d think you could get a look at yourself. You can’t run from the truth. You can only accept it and move forward. I think you need to move your ass forward.”

I looked at the ceiling and not at either of them.

“Did you know, Mom?” I asked as I finally looked at her.

“Yes Brecken, I knew,” she said as she looked at her hands resting in her lap. “Your father was a very passionate man, you’re right about that. To say it lightly, he was passionate. But he was also an asshole at times. But I loved him despite it. I’m sure you think that’s being a pushover. We were going to get a divorce so many times. But it all came back to staying together because in the end there was no other way for us to be. I was no saint myself. But I know your father loved me and I him. I still love him.

“But what I saw with you and Blake was different. There was more than just mutual respect and passion there. You found someone that pushed you. He’s still pushing you. Instead of falling over though, you need to push right back and not give up. It isn’t about who wins, it’s about what happens after. I don’t think the two of you are meant to go your separate ways,” my mom said as she took a seat on the edge of the couch.

“How did you feel with him?” Mason asked.

“How did I feel with him?” I asked back. I closed my eyes to really think about my response. I rested my head back on the couch once more and thought. “I felt whole. I felt happy. I felt loved. I felt alive.”

“Then you need to go after him,” Mason said.

“I need to go after him?” I asked on a laugh.

“Yes, you need to chase him and you need to show him that he means something to you,” Mason said and my mom nodded in agreement.

“How?” I asked.

“I have an idea,” he said.

_______________

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I said, pulling the hood up on my sweatshirt. “I haven’t done anything like this since I was a fucking teenager.”

“Well, I’m a teenager, so I guess that helps,” Mason said on a laugh. “Hey, this is our first mother and son bonding experience.”

“Actually, I think the first was when I saw the painting you did on the side of the Böhme. I didn’t know it was you that did it, but I connected with that painting. I bonded with it,” I said.

“I actually painted that after watching you sing. Funny thing was I didn’t know you were my mom then. Your love of music was so obvious and it spoke to me. I saw how alive you were on that stage and I needed to find that in my life,” Mason said.

“We did bond that night then—without even knowing it,” I said with a smile and we climbed to the top of the scaffolding. “I’ve never painted before.”

“That’s okay, I have. I will just trace out the outline of the letters. You can fill them in. I will do the painting,” Mason said.

“Okay. Hey Mason,” I said as he turned to face me. “Thank you. I’m really proud of you.”

I pulled him in for a hug and knew that running was no longer an option.

“Thanks for letting me stay here with you guys for a few days,” I said to Wynn and Hannah.

“It’s not a problem at all,” Hannah said as she kept her face turned to Smitty as she fed him.

“You know I thought it’d bother me to see you whip your boob out all the time to feed him, but it’s pretty natural isn’t it?” I asked.

“It’s only awkward when you comment on my boobs, Blake,” Hannah said, bringing a laugh from Wynn. “And yes, it’s pretty natural indeed.”

“What were you up late working on last night?” Wynn asked.

“Oh nothing much, I just finished my coin,” I said.

“You finished
the
coin? The one you have had since you were a kid?” he asked.

“Yeah, Mason called me yesterday and got me thinking. I was so mad at him for putting me in that position. But I know in the end it was for the best,” I said as I rubbed the coin in my pocket.

“May I see it?” Wynn asked.

I pulled it from my pocket and handed it to him. It was no longer a flat coin. To me, it represented everything Brecken and I had. I was okay with her needing some time to herself and with Mason. But enough was enough. I was going to go home today, and then tonight I was going to her apartment.

I was going to give her that fucking coin and she was going to listen to me.

“Hey Wynn, thanks again for everything. You really are my brother. I love you man,” I said and felt slightly odd saying it.

“I love you too, Blake,” Wynn said as he pulled me in for a hug. I think having a kid changed him.

_______________

Mason: You almost home? I need to stop by for something.

Me: Yeah. Be there in a few. At gas station around corner.

_______________

I turned onto my street and slammed on my brakes. The writer had painted the side of my parents’ building. The scene painted was surreal. It was an elephant with two figures sitting atop it.

I could tell by the shorts and tennis shoes, that one of the riders was Brecken and I had to laugh. Then I focused on the other one. It was me. She and I were riding on an elephant, and I was confused as all hell as to why.

The scene around us was filled with colors and words. I couldn’t read all of them, some were too faint and others were rushed through. But one sentence was clear as day.

I can’t answer my questions without you with me.

I parked my Jeep and stepped from it to walk toward the painting. There were no intricate details to depict our relationship. There were just feelings in each of the colors. I noticed that she and I almost held hands though. We looked directly at each other. Our hands were just right there, almost touching. We waited for each other in the painting, just as I always waited for her hand to meet mine in real life.

I stepped nearer the painting and traced along our hands.

“Do you like it?” Brecken asked from behind me.

I didn’t turn to look at her and kept my focus on the painting. “I do.”

“Mason and I did it,” Brecken said as she stepped close to my side and traced her fingertips along our painted hands, just as I had done.

“Did you? I thought you couldn’t paint,” I said as I turned from the painting and faced her.

“I can’t,” she said as she lowered her chin and gave me a sheepish smile. “Mason did most of it. I just did the words.”

“I didn’t know Mason could paint either,” I said.

Her smile formed into a larger one. “Yes, he can. He’s been doing a lot of painting the last few months,” she said with a proud expression.

“Mason did the paintings?” I asked.

She nodded and her smile fell. “He did it to get my attention. He asked the questions. But I didn’t listen, obviously. I thought a lot about what had happened—and it all surrounded around one thing—me not paying attention. I didn’t respond to his letter. I didn’t want to listen to you either. I just let it all happen without taking part. I thought if I ran from it all, I’d protect myself. But I realized what’s the point of it? What’s the point in protecting yourself if it leaves you hiding from everyone you love?”

“I had the same thoughts,” I said with a smile.

“I’m serious. I hid behind my drums. I hid behind my fears. I hid behind my beliefs. I’m tired of running, Blake. So that’s why we’re here. I’ve chased you.” She put her hands in her pockets and twisted her heel in the loose rock next to the building. With a tilted grin she continued. “I guess I didn’t really chase you; I kind of cornered you here.”

“I see that. What’d my parents say about this?” I asked, waving my hand at the wall.

“They knew—so did Wynn and Hannah. It was Mason’s idea. He and my mom reminded me of a few things,” she said. She put her hand toward me palm up, waiting for me to take it. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the coin and pressed it into her hand as I wrapped my fingers around hers.

“What’s this?” Brecken asked as she started to pull her hand from mine.

I shook my head. “Nope, not yet. Finish telling me what your mom and Mason reminded you of,” I said.

She breathed deeply as she pulled me closer to her. She pressed her chest against me and rested her chin against my chest and looked up at me. “I’m sorry Blake. I understand why you did it. I know why you didn’t tell me and I knew all along. I was scared. I didn’t know how to respond to us. I couldn’t believe that you did it for any reason but a selfish one. I have had a twisted view on things. I said I didn’t believe in fairy tales—but I must’ve before. Because I believed that if a relationship wasn’t perfect, then it meant it wasn’t meant to be. That’s bullshit. I see that now. It’s in the imperfections that it becomes perfect—because that’s when we just work through it. I did exactly as your dad told you not to do to me. I put you up on a pedestal and when you were up there, I believed that if you did anything to fall from that, then that meant you weren’t right for me. Again, that’s bullshit and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for expecting you to be that. No one can do that. Not even me,” she said with a grin she tried to hold back.

“Well,” I said. “I suppose I can accept that apology.”

“You suppose you can?” she asked on a laugh.

“Yes, I can. I was actually planning on hunting you down tonight and making you listen to me, but this was easier. I understand why you got pissy,” I said with a laugh.

“Damn you’re an asshole,” she said as she shoved my shoulder and tried to pull her hand free from mine. “What is this anyway?” she asked as she lifted our hands.

“Go ahead and look at it,” I said. I was nervous for her to see the coin. I didn’t know what she would think of it. I hadn’t spoken to her in months but all I could do was release her hand and let her decide.

Blake released my hand and I looked down at what lay in mine now. It was the coin he had shown me the first time we really spoke. That one night months ago at the Böhme when he reminded me how fun it was just to laugh.

I looked at the now engraved, carved coin and smiled. The coin was now attached to a silver ring. It reminded me of a Claddagh design, but it didn’t have the crown or the heart. It was just two hands at the top and two hands at the bottom, holding each other.

In the center of the ring was a symbol that reminded of the spiral design on my car. The same symbol I had tattooed on my left chest above my heart. It represented the creative process to me and was found in my heart. I had to get past my mind and get out of my head and let go.

“Did you know what that symbol meant to me?” I asked.

“No, but I knew it meant something or you wouldn’t have tattooed it on yourself or put it on your car,” he said as he brought his hand up and traced the coin as it lay in my hand. “I swear I couldn’t get that out of my head these last few weeks. It relaxed me to draw it. I drew it everywhere. It reminded me of you and in a way it made me feel better.”

I smiled as I looked up at him and stood on my toes and brought our lips together. It was a gentle kiss. I didn’t deepen it and neither did he.

I lowered myself back onto my feet and turned my back to his chest and lifted the coin up for us to look at, just as we had those weeks ago. “That symbol is the symbol of creativity and spirituality. It’s a Celtic symbol that was drawn over and over to open the mind to creativity and expanded consciousness. It is a reminder that everything is connected. How could I not believe that even more so now? I came back into town and played my first show with that band at the right time. Had I not played that show, I wouldn’t have seen Karl again. I wouldn’t have gone to that art showing. I wouldn’t have met Mason. I probably would’ve never known he was my son. I wouldn’t have met you,” I said the last part on a whisper.