“Right.” Michael rolled closer to the desk and sorted through the folders.
Max pulled out a bound one over a foot thick. “Here’s all of Joe’s notes about the case leading up to the drug bust, where Miller was waiting for him. If you and I spend some time going over all this, and we find out what he knew, we might be able to locate Miller through the network Joe’s investigation uncovered.”
Michael sat back in his chair. He met his brother’s eyes. Max’s eyes had misted over, and Michael’s stung as well. Michael rubbed the corners of his trembling mouth. “Have I ever told you you’re a genius?”
Max looked away. “No. No, you haven’t.”
“Well, I should have.”
Max didn’t answer. He just dove into the files, pointing out the things Joe had uncovered about the drug-trafficking operation in northern Florida—a trafficking operation that could intersect with Bob’s activities.
“Miller wasn’t high up in the drug ring,” Max said. “He wasn’t a broker, probably just a low-level transporter. I’ve been all through this, and Miller wasn’t even on the horizon until
he ambushed Joe. Someone had tipped these guys off about the bust, and Miller was probably low enough on the totem pole to be tasked with ending it.”
“That probably earned him the trust of the higher-ups.”
“Right. The whole network reorganized after the bust. There was heat on all of them—I think most of them left the area. That left positions to be filled. If Miller stayed, he could have gotten a higher position and a bigger cut of the pie.”
“But we were convinced he’d left,” Michael said. “I’ve turned this town upside down looking for him. The only time I’ve seen him back was when his mother died a few months ago.”
“But I got Juliet to send me a copy of the picture she took at Amber’s, even though I’m not on the case anymore. I studied it. That was taken at Mal’s Irish Pub here in Panama City. Miller’s hair was longer than when you saw him last. And I asked Juliet about what Bob was wearing in the picture. She bought the shirt for his birthday, about three months ago. So we can date the picture to sometime in the last three months.” Max leaned forward and locked his gaze on Michael. “Think about it. If he had the chance to stay here and fill a vacuum in this drug ring, and make a ton of cash, I think he’d do it. The guy thought he’d get away with it. He did last time.”
Michael’s heart began to race. “We’re going to find him. And this time, we’ll send him away for a very long time.”
“If anybody can find him, you can,” Max said.
That was the kindest thing Max had said in two years, and Michael realized then how much he had missed his younger brother. He swallowed the knot in his throat and threw himself into reviewing the files.
A
s Juliet drove back to Jay’s house, her grief hit her again, and she gave in to deep, ugly, wet sobs that seemed to rip out every belief she’d once held dear.
God, how will I survive
this? How will I protect my kids?
Closed off in the car, she didn’t muffle her wails. No one could hear her, and in the dark, they couldn’t see her either.
Just
strike
me
dead, Lord. Just kill me now. I want to go
Home.
She wanted to just pull over and fall asleep right here and be done with it. But her kids . . . they needed her. They had been betrayed too. Zach already knew so much about it. Had Bob ever considered what it would do to his sons if the truth came out? Had it kept him awake nights?
At least one of their parents had to be there for them. She had to go on. She had no choice. It wasn’t about her. It was about them.
“Lord,” she said through her teeth, “I believe Romans 8:28 is true. But I can’t imagine how all of this is going to work for good, because all I see is tragedy and heartache, and shock after shock. We need some real miracles here.”
Her tears left her battered, but her prayer gave her a bittersweet, soft warmth that fell over her like a hot shower, as though God wept with her. She wept until she was dry, until she had no more energy to shoulder the pain. A divine numbness set in, one that would help her to take another breath, and then another. She felt the warmth of divine arms around her. His love renewed her strength, as impossible as that was. The miracle of that startled her, then settled into her heart.
She would learn to do this, taking steps like a baby learning the power of his legs. And she knew that God would have his hands out for her, waiting to catch her when she fell.
Bled dry emotionally by the time she got back to Jay’s, Juliet went into the TV room where Zach and Abe sat sprawled on the couch. After hugs and apologies again for being gone so long, she sank into a club chair and stared, unseeing, at the TV screen.
Jackson, who’d been playing on the floor, looked up at her with his sweet eyes. She smiled at him, hoping he wouldn’t ask her to come play with him.
Instead, he got up and climbed onto her lap.
She kissed his cheek and put her arms around him, and he laid his head against her chest. No words were needed, and her heart filled to overflowing. Little Jackson, who’d lost his mother just months earlier, understood her sorrow. Only five years old, he seemed to understand that she had nothing to give. But he did.
She held him that way for a long time, wiping her tears
before they hit her cheeks and saddened her boys. She hoped the TV distracted them from their pain.
Later, when Jay had taken Jackson upstairs to bathe him and get him ready for bed, Juliet went to the guest room and lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Abe came to the doorway. “Mom, I want to go back to school tomorrow.”
Juliet sat up and saw Zach in the hall behind him. “I’ll have to think about it. I don’t know if it’s a good idea yet.”
“Well, the only reason I should stay home is if it makes me feel better, right? But it’s boring here. Uncle Jay wouldn’t have to work at home to watch us. So if it doesn’t make me feel better to stay home, why can’t I go back and be with my friends?”
“Don’t listen to him,” Zach said. “I don’t want to go back to school. I don’t want to hear any questions. I don’t want to be stared at by people who feel sorry for me.”
Juliet wished she could save this for another day. “Come on in here, guys.”
They came into the room, and Abe got onto her bed. Zach sat on the floor and leaned back against the wall.
“Your eyes are all puffy,” Abe said.
“Yeah, I know.” She looked at her younger son. “So are yours.”
He nodded.
“It just stinks,” she said. “Losing your dad, having to deal with all this.”
Abe wiped his nose. “I dreamed about him last night.”
Zach looked at him. Abe’s face turned red and twisted as if he tried hard to hold back the emotion, but couldn’t keep it in.
“You did?” she asked. “Tell me about it.”
“I dreamed I saw him. He was just standing there, but he
wouldn’t look at me. It was like he was ignoring me. I called out, ‘Dad! Dad!’ But he didn’t answer.”
Juliet closed her eyes. Even in their son’s dreams, Bob was hurting him. “Just remember . . . it was a dream. I’m sure Dad wouldn’t have ignored you.”
“I just can’t picture him gone,” he said. “I keep thinking he’s going to come home, that he’s just on a trip somewhere. He’s going to come back and we’ll all sit down and have tacos.”
“I know,” she said. “I keep thinking things like that too.”
“I wish you wouldn’t be gone all the time. I wish you would stay here with me. I don’t have anybody to talk to. Zach doesn’t want to talk.”
Zach rolled his eyes, as if he resented the guilt trip.
But that same guilt crushed her. “Sweetheart, you know what I’d love to do is be here with you 24/7, and make you and Zach my main focus as we get through this. But things have happened . . . and I’ve had no choice about where I’m spending my time.”
“Yeah,” Abe said. “But that’s why I want to go to school.”
She sighed. She would need to talk to the principal about security. “I’ll think about it. You know, if you need to talk to somebody besides me, I can get you a counselor.”
“I don’t want to talk to anybody else,” he said.
She slid her arms around Abe and held him close. How would she tell him about his father? When would she tell him? She could keep as much of it from him as possible, but soon it would be all over the news. Kids would mock the boys at school. Parents wouldn’t let their kids hang out with hers. They would think this family had too many secrets. She couldn’t stand the thought.
But she couldn’t worry about that yet. One step at a time.
First she had to feed her kids, then she could spend time with them. Then, when she got them to bed tonight, Michael, Cathy, and Holly were coming over for a strategy session. She wished it could wait, but it couldn’t. Too much was at stake. Too many dangers lurking.
The only way to get to the other side was to plow through. Time could be running out for her and her kids.
W
hile Juliet was upstairs with the kids, Cathy, Michael, Holly, and Jay gathered on the back patio to go over the events of the day. It made Cathy sick to rehash it, but her siblings needed to know.
“I can’t believe you left me out of this whole thing,” Holly spouted.
Cathy didn’t want to fight. “Holly, I’m her attorney. We met at Michael’s. The FBI didn’t want a crowd there. But Juliet wanted Michael to hear it because it was about Leonard Miller.”
“Just sayin’ . . .”
“Hey, I’m left out of everything,” Jay said. “I hear everything after the fact.”
“You’re watching the kids,” Cathy said. “That’s important. What do you guys want? It’s not about you. It’s about Juliet. She’s the one suffering.”
“You don’t have to get huffy.” Holly sat in the rocking chair, her hand stroking her swollen belly. “I’m the one who’s supposed to get moody.”
“You’re updated now, so get over it.”
Always the peacemaker, Jay got to his feet. “Holly, come in and help me get some nachos together, will you?”
Holly got up and followed him in, a pinched look on her face, as if she was disgusted with her sister.
Cathy looked at Michael. “You believe her?”
Michael shrugged. “She doesn’t realize how important this news was to us. Jay’s probably straightening her out.” He turned his chair to face her and leaned forward, touched her chin. “Sure you’re okay?”
She met his eyes. “Okay, no. I’m not okay. Are you?”
He drew in a deep breath. “Not really.”
“The monster who killed Joe is out there, still doing what he was doing, partying and having a big time. And everything about both of our lives has changed.”
A golden light danced on one side of Michael’s face, light cast by the flames in the fire pit. “We’re going to find him.”
Cathy just looked away.
With gentle fingers, he turned her face back and leaned closer. “Do you believe me?”
She thought about that, then nodded. “Yeah, I do. It just . . . dredged it all back up, you know? I thought we were digging for one thing, and all of a sudden, we find something else. Leonard Miller seems to intrude into every area of our lives. So much would be different if Joe hadn’t been killed.”
“But then we wouldn’t be here.”
She knew he didn’t mean sitting on Jay’s patio. The two of them . . . the relationship that seemed unspoken, yet was so intense. And filled with so much guilt.
“I’m not saying this is better or worse,” he added. “Just
that it’s where we are. And I’m kind of tired of analyzing it and finding reasons to kick myself for it.”
She felt her hard edges softening. “I know. I’m tired of it too.”
“Maybe by finding Miller we can move on. Get over that barricade.”
“And if we don’t? Then we don’t move on?”
He smiled and kissed her, stroked her face. “No, we still move on. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to get lost.”
She managed to smile now. “That won’t happen.” She pressed her forehead against his, touched the stubble on his jaw, breathed in the scent that was so uniquely his. When their lips touched, she closed her eyes and savored the feeling. Hope . . . love . . .
But the barricade still existed. Leonard Miller—the unfinished business that bound them together but kept them apart. Maybe if he could be extricated from their lives, instead of remaining a constant regret hanging over them like a thundercloud that hadn’t yet burst . . .
When their kiss ended, they kept their foreheads together, Michael’s fingers laced through her hair. “I thank God for you.”
Cathy let that sink in. “God. I still have issues with him. He takes so much away from us.”
“But he gives us so much. Don’t miss what he’s given you.”
She swallowed hard, wishing she could change her thinking. But loss still hung so heavy in her mind.
But in spite of it all, she missed her relationship with her Creator. Her thoughts wandered to him often, and she found herself talking to him when she didn’t even plan to. She didn’t call it prayer. Prayer was too intentional. But those conversations she had with him were still wrought with sorrow and blame. She didn’t know if that would ever change.
W
hen the kids were finally in bed asleep, Juliet went downstairs and met her siblings and Michael on the patio. They sat in a circle around the fire pit—Cathy and Michael on the rattan love seat, Jay in a rocking chair, Holly with her feet curled up beneath her on a cushioned chair, her hands crossed over her small round belly—all of them lit in a pretty yellow glow.
It reminded her of camping as a child, back when their father was still with the family. They’d roast marshmallows and make s’mores, until their faces and hands were sticky and soot-covered from the smoke that stuck to their sugarcoated skin.
But these weren’t good times. Jay had made it as pleasant as he could, but they spoke outside so Zach wouldn’t wake up and sneak down the stairs to hear them. And there was nothing pleasant about this subject. She’d rather be in bed with the covers pulled over her head.
“They’re asleep, finally,” she said, dropping into a chair. “So what are we going to do?”