The moon was a beautiful, full moon. It was bright, lighting up the sky with its loyal entourage of shimmering stars. I don’t know how long I’d stared at the moon, standing at the window like the lost, caged soul that I was, but I knew that I’d come to a few revelations.
Calix was my keeper.
He was my husband, my lover, my protector - and he was my
keeper
.
I knew this to be truer than true, because the thought of living without him ignited an ache so desperately deep in my chest, I felt as though I were dying a slow death from the inside out. Living in this world without him was like condemning myself to an eternity in Hell. It wasn’t a condemnation I could make for myself, or my child, simply because I was angry at Calix for trying, in his very twisted ways, to ensure my continued safety and happiness.
Calix really was right, we were tied together in a bond so impossibly tight, there was no hope we might ever find life possible without the other. And, if I were being painfully honest with myself, I didn’t want to accept the possibility of life without the man who had captured not only my body - but my soul.
Calix was a force to be reckoned. His power was breathtaking and his determination was, although suffocating, liberating. Because, although he stripped me of my right to fight alongside in him the battles that were, legally ours, he loved me enough to sacrifice himself to ensure my soul maintained the light he claimed to cherish so profoundly.
The sound of the door clicking open startled me and I turned to face him as he walked into the room. I saw his eyes sweep across the empty bed, and then his body tightened as fear bled through the expression of his face. He thought I’d run. As if I ever could. Not only were we on an island, but Calix had become both my salvation and my cage.
Running wasn’t a possibility.
“I’m here.” I whispered and his eyes shot to land on the direction of my voice. I watched the fear escape his body before a new kind of tension infected his being.
“What are you doing, standing there, like that?” He asked quietly.
“I couldn’t sleep.” I explained softly. “And the moon is so beautiful, I thought I’d try to lose myself in it - if only for a while.”
“Love,” I heard his feet move across the bedroom, and then I felt his arms circle around the swell of my belly to pull me into his chest. “I wish I could be everything you want me to be - but I can’t - not when I know all that you need from me.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means that you need for me to protect you from all the shit, Nova. This is my mess to clean and you need for me to clean it. I know you want to help, because helping is in your nature, but I know you need for me to do this on my own. Because fighting your father isn’t a battle someone of your soft nature can fight and survive.”
Tears glimmered in my eyes, because as much as I hated his words - he was right. “You’ve been watching them for months, Calix.” I breathed.
He nodded behind me. “Yes.”
“Did you watch me?” I asked, fearful of his answer.
“No.”
“Why?” A tear slipped from my eye and I leaned my head against the nook of his shoulder, desperate to find a comfort without turning to face him.
“I couldn’t.”
“What?”
“I couldn’t bear it, Nova.”
“What couldn’t you bear?” I whispered my demand through hostile tones. “Seeing me? After you made me yours in every way - how could you not bear seeing me?”
“I’d hoped you were happy, Nova.” He admitted hoarsely. “You’d wanted, so desperately, to be reunited with your family - I thought you were happy. I didn’t - couldn’t bear seeing you happy without me.”
“And if I wasn’t happy, Calix?” I asked through the pain building in my throat. “What then?”
“Then I knew it would kill me to see you grieve, love.” He spun me to face him - and what I saw in his eyes was a sad kind of shame that tore into my entity with the ferocity of a murderous spirit determined to ruin. “I thought about it. Every day, Nova, I thought about logging on and watching you, seeing you, loving you from afar - but I
couldn’t
.”
His arms fell from around me as he dropped himself into the chaise beside the window. In that moment, the strong man I adored looked so small and broken. His wide shoulders, that I’d always been confident could carry the weight of the world, were so terribly defeated. I knew, with chilling certainty, that I would forever be haunted by this moment.
The man I knew, and thought I would never lose, was fading fast. My heart slammed in my throat as I knelt before him on the floor - desperate to pull the strength from within him - the strength that both ruined and assembled my soul.
He was tired - his exhaustion was snuffing out the little light that flickered in the darkness he housed within his entity - and I was the one - the only one who held the power within my hands to bring him back. In that moment, I wasn’t the one who needed protecting from the reality he believed would destroy me. In that moment, I was the warrior who would fight to the death, and win. Suddenly, I wasn’t his responsibility - but instead, I was his deliverance.
Capturing his face in my hands, I forced his blue eyes to meet my brown. It was truly ironic how the man who was so dark inside, could have eyes the color of Heaven’s Caribbean sky, while I was filled with a light he claimed was so beautiful and bright, yet the gateway to my soul was so dark.
The desperation I saw in his eyes pleaded for liberation that shattered all my resolve against his twisted choices. And as I dropped my hands to his chest, feeling the broken beating of his heart beneath my palms, I realized that the dominant man I’d always known was, in this moment, submitting to me. His grief was the shackle restraining him, and my love was the key to his release. Denying him everything he’d rightfully captured in me would be the conviction that would send his dark soul spiraling into the abyss of a Hell on Earth.
“I love you, Calix.” I spoke with faith. “I forgive you now - for everything you’ve done - and everything you will do.” I leaned forward to press my lips to the naked flesh of his chest, feeling his body tense beneath my adoration. “I accept your dominance over my life and I accept your decisions to keep me from harm.” These were my decisions - not his. I knew what I was offering to him in this moment, and I was doing it without reservation. “My life, my safety, love, and happiness, is yours to sustain.”
He pulled in a deep breath, and I watched his grip on the edge of the chaise tighten until his knuckles had turned a deathly shade of white. But I didn’t stop. Instead, I pushed, almost forcefully, against his shoulders until he was lying flat against the chaise. Then, I trialed my hands down the muscled rivulets of his chest to the knot tying his black pajama pants around the firm expanse of his waist.
Slowly, I exposed his throbbing hardness. And I knew this was exactly what he needed. Taking his stone hard, silky length, into my hands, I worked him with my hand, without ever looking away from his eyes. I watched his emotions play like a slideshow through the deeps of his blue eyes - and I felt each one.
In that moment, I felt the torture of his every masochistic sin. I was not only offered introduction to his demons, but I knew them with chilling intimacy. I watched his guilt surface without hope of redemption and I knew, that at the heart of his every haunting - was me.
Standing back, I watched his eyes study my movements as I removed my robe, baring my body the way he’d bared his soul to me only moment’s prior. And then I moved onto him, lowering myself against him, becoming one with him. Of all the ways I’d tried to heal him, taking him inside of me - sins, guilt, and demons, was by far the most foolish. But that knowledge didn’t dissuade me. I rode him deliberately, capturing his demons and holding them tight.
As I lowered my lips to his, taking his mouth as I took his body, I whispered. “I’m yours.” He drank in my words as though they were the medication to heal him his wounded soul. “I forgive you now and forever. I’m yours.”
“Mine.” He agreed on a chanted breath. “Mine. Forever.”
Warmth spread across my body as I felt his hands grip my hips as he pushed himself up into me, accepting my body, heart, and soul, as his own. A sigh fell from my lips as I tipped my head back, feeling explosions of tiny tingles moving across my skin, claiming my entity.
And as I came undone around him, as he shattered his release within my body, I whispered a binding promise.
“Forever.” If there was an action that anchored us together - for better or worse - until the end of eternity - this was it. I’d offered my soul to keep, to a man who carried the Devil’s demons within his heart, and I regretted nothing.
Because if I were sentenced to an eternity of damnation, at least I knew I’d walk through that eternity hand in hand, with Calix.
The air was cold, but I had been feeling a need - unlike any other - to breathe.
My thoughts took me back a half an hour and my vision blurred as memory overrode what was right in front of me.
Calix had been working inside the office when I’d popped my head into the room. Both he and Neil tensed as Jaylah’s voice flooded the space around us. I knew they were waiting for a reaction from me. I knew they were waiting for me to lose the calm control I had collected over the last two weeks, but I didn’t.
I knew watching my family - having an upper hand - was necessary. I didn’t have to like it, but I did have to accept it. Placing my hand over my swollen belly, I reminded myself of my reasoning for continuing through something that felt so terribly wrong. And then I spoke, “I’m going outside to sit on the back deck.”
Calix’s brow furrowed and I saw his unease, “Nova, I don’t,”
I interrupted him. “Calix. It’s a beautiful day and I would like to enjoy it. I’m going to sit on the back deck. It faces trees - not the water. I will be safe.”
His jaw twitched, but he nodded. I didn’t wait for him to argue further before I spun on my heel to walk away. I needed out of the house - I needed to escape.
Now, as I sit staring out over the land filled with an abundance of Sitka Spruce, I can feel a little of the tension that had built up within my heart ease. I’d been in Alaska with Calix for just over three months, and although I talked to Jaylah every now and again, I hadn’t really spoken to anyone but Calix and Neil. It was safe to say I was feeling starved for human interaction, and Calix, although he was here, was almost always working on finding a way around my father.
Even when I was able to speak with Jaylah, I couldn’t talk about sisterly things with her - because I was too busy giving her instructions to defeat our father. I ached to tell her about the boots Calix had bought for me, and the insane awesomeness that was my new housecoat, and I was dying to tell her the beauty of having a life move inside of me.
Salty tears pooled in my eyes as I thought of all that I was missing out on because of my father. No longer was I angry with Calix - although I knew he was just as at fault in this screwed up situation as was my father. I mean, what father would be comfortable leaving his daughter in the hands of the man who had kidnapped her? What father would feel safe in allowing his daughter to live beneath the same roof as the man whose parents he’d killed?
This wasn’t a normal situation. I knew this wasn’t normal. Hell, I knew - but I needed for everyone to just stop. I needed for the war to end, because I didn’t have the strength to continue fighting, and I couldn’t become a casualty. My baby needed his mother.
I had just over three months to go until I was holding my baby in my arms. I had just over three months to survive the hell that was this war. For my baby, I could do that.
The sound of the sliding patio door startled me and I quickly wiped away the tears I’d allowed to escape from my eyes. But when Calix moved to sit across from me, I knew by the pain darkening the bright of his cobalt eyes, that he knew I’d been crying. I honestly don’t know why I bothered trying to hide things from Calix - he knew everything. When it came to me, there wasn’t a thing he could be kept in the dark about.
“Love,” he breathed the word as he pulled his chair closer to me. I felt his hands settle on my knees before he began to rub his hands along the length of my thighs. The friction warmed me - or maybe it was just his touch that warmed me. “I promise you everything will be alright. I promise you, there’s nothing to worry about.”
“Calix,” I shook my head on a whispered breath. “I’m homesick.” I hurried to explain. “I just want to be home so that we can start preparing for the baby. I want - I just want to be home.”
“I know.” He stood, and before I knew it, he’d gathered my body into his arms. Stealing my chair, he settled me against his chest as he stared out over the thick gathering of trees towering over the house. “We’re getting close, love. I believe we have a way to convince your father to back off.”
“How?” I breathed, feeling my heart stutter in my chest.
“I’ll let you know when I’m certain, love. We just need a little more time.”
I pulled back to lock my eyes on his. “Do you promise, Calix?” I asked sternly. “Do you promise not to hide this from me?”
His jaw tightened as he clenched his teeth tightly behind stern lips. I watched him, the wheels turning in his head with a quick violence, and not once, while he thought, did I pull a breath into my starved lungs. Finally, he nodded. “I promise. When I know for certain the plan of action we are taking, you will know.”
“Thank you.” The relief in my voice was palpable. I felt as though every ounce of strength I possessed had fled my body as I fell against his chest.
His arms tightened around me. “It’s cold out here, Nova. Would you like me to take you inside?”
“Not yet, Calix.” I shook my head. “Please, just sit with me.”
He nodded, but I could feel the fight in his body as he struggled to follow my wishes rather than take me into the house where he thought I was warm and safe. For a moment, we sat in silence, and then the sound of his deep gravelly voice sunk deep into my being.