Don't Kiss Girls and Other Silly Stories (3 page)

By this stage Brains' hands have made a nice cup –
maybe he did read the coaching manual after all – and the ball drops into his fingers. Brains looks down at it, perplexed. He can figure out the trickiest science problem but he clearly has no idea how the ball ended up in his hands.

Mulligan looks to Mr Fielding to see what just happened.

‘The ball never touched the ground,' Mr Fielding says. ‘You're out.'

‘Nooo!' yells Mulligan. He looks like he wants to kill someone.

‘Yesss!' yells our team as we sprint over to congratulate Brains and mess up his frizzy hair.

‘That was the most incredible catch I've ever seen,' says Jai.

‘You're a legend,' adds Gavin.

Brains is still in shock.

‘Say something, Brains,' I urge.

‘I think my toe is broken,' he whines. ‘Can I go off the field?'

‘No way,' I say. ‘One more wicket and we've won the game. We need you.'

‘But I can't run!'

‘That's okay. If the ball comes to you, hop as fast as you can.'

Before Brains can argue, I head back to my bowling mark.

‘Tony is going for a hat-trick,' Mr Fielding announces.

I'd forgotten about that. If I get a wicket with this bowl, I'll have dismissed three batsmen in three balls, which is the equivalent of getting a hole in one in golf. Their number 11 batsman is a bunny, but unfortunately I'm not bowling to him. While the ball was in the air, Kane and Mulligan crossed, which means Kane is on strike.

I feel a pang in my chest as I realise what's at stake. Here's my chance to win the game and prove that I'm a better player than Kane. This is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life.

I take a deep breath, run up and let the ball go. Because Kane likes to dance down the pitch, I bowl flatter and faster than usual. I also bowl a slider – hoping to fool Kane by making the ball
not
spin.

Kane must be feeling the pressure because he stays in his crease. The length of the bowl is perfect, putting Kane in two minds about whether to play off the front or back foot. He decides to go forward, but the moment's hesitation means he can't get to the pitch of the ball. Anticipating the leg spinner, Kane plays inside the line as he tries a defensive push. But the ball doesn't spin.

There's a short but clear noise as the ball whizzes past the bat and into the wicketkeeper's gloves. It takes me a second to realise what's happened. He's edged it to the wicketkeeper. For real this time.

‘HE'S GONE!' I scream, punching the air so hard that my arm nearly pops out of its socket.

The whole team sprints towards me and soon I'm wrapped in an 11-man bear hug. We can't believe that we've beaten the A team! The players take turns giving me high fives, until we're interrupted by Mr Fielding's booming voice.

‘Stop carrying on like pork chops, boys. He's not out.'

We all freeze.

‘What?' I say. ‘He got a clear snick, sir!'

‘It sounded different to all those other nicks,' says Mr Fielding, ‘so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. The ball might have flicked his pad.'

We stand there dumbfounded, until Brains says, ‘He's correct. According to law 27, the batsman must always receive the benefit of the doubt.'

‘Shut up, Brains.' I turn to Kane. ‘Why don't you do a Gilchrist and walk off? You know you hit it.'

Kane's hero is an old wicketkeeper named Adam Gilchrist, who always gave himself out when he snicked the ball. Fans loved him for it. Kane wants to be just like him and this is his chance to prove it.

After taking a moment to consider my request, Kane pulls off his batting gloves and starts striding towards the shed. I'm shocked.

Yes! We've won for real this time.

Then Kane stops dead, looks at me and grins. ‘Gotcha, Rossy.' He walks back to his crease.

‘Nooo,' I groan. ‘This can't be happening.' But really, I should have known he was no Gilchrist. He's acting more like the Antichrist.

‘Tony, hurry up and bowl before I give you a detention for dissent.' Mr Fielding doesn't sound happy.

‘Dissent cement,' I mumble to myself as I walk back to my mark and prepare to bowl. I try to think positively. If I can get Kane out once, I can do it again.

My run-up consists of a skip followed by three quick steps. After the last step, I let the ball go and it comes out well, curling and drifting in the air. It lands a fraction short and wide and Kane rocks onto his back foot, going for a full-blooded cut shot. Because of the leg spin I put on the ball, it's the type of shot that could easily be edged to slip or caught at point. Except that Kane hits it right in the middle of the bat.

The ball flies across the turf and goes for four.

The A team boys sprint onto the field, throw Kane onto their shoulders, and run around the oval like lunatics. I look on in disbelief. It's so unfair. We should be the ones acting like lunatics.

‘Shake hands, boys,' yells Mr Fielding.

The two teams line up – the A's with big smiles and the B's with slumped shoulders.

I squeeze each hand as hard as I can and say, ‘
Tight
game' until I get to the last person in line. Kane.

He pumps my hand enthusiastically. ‘Great match, Rossy. This one will go down in the history books, I reckon.'

He's always a good winner. But I'm not going to let him get away with it. ‘Yeah. You'll probably get a medal for biggest cheat.'

He puffs up his shoulders. ‘Everything I did was within the rules of cricket. Which is a lot more than you can say.'

I can't believe he's accusing
me
of cheating! ‘I stuck to the spirit of the game,' I say. ‘That's more important than the rules.'

Kane raises his eyebrows. ‘I didn't know the spirit of the game included a piece of wood and a ball in your pockets.' He grins at me and I can't help but grin back. Kane and I know each other too well. We'd both do anything to win.

‘You comin' over to play Xbox this arvo?' Kane asks. ‘I borrowed
Skate 4
from my cousin.'

I hesitate. Just because Kane has made me smile doesn't mean that I've forgiven him. ‘Yeah. See you there,' I say.

I'm awesome at skating. Kane might not know it yet, but he's going down.

The Musical, the Girl, and MPme

While we wait in the tuckshop line, Kane and
I
tell each other jokes.

‘How do you make holy water?' I say.

‘How?'

‘Boil the hell out of it.'

We laugh.

‘Spell “pig” backwards and say “like a waterfall”,' says Kane.

‘G. I. P. like a waterfall.'

Kane chuckles.

‘I don't get it,' I say, before suddenly I do. I punch him in the arm and we laugh again.

Kane and I think the same, probably because we've grown up together. Though things have been changing a bit lately, I must admit. Since we started high school, he's grown taller and stronger and kids are noticing him more. Especially girls. But it's times like this, when we're mucking around, that I realise how gooda mates we really are. No one will ever get between us.

A girl appears. ‘Let me in?' she asks Kane.

He studies her for a moment. She's got straight blonde hair and deep blue eyes.

‘Sure,' he says.

She cuts in behind Kane,
which is in front of me. Darn!

‘Are you going to try out?' she says to Kane, fluttering her eyelashes.

He shrugs. ‘For what?'

She points at a poster pinned to the crumbling cork noticeboard.

‘You should, you know,' she says. ‘Us girls are all hoping you will.'

I snigger, and the girl looks back at me.

‘What's
your
problem?' she asks.

‘Nuthin. I just can't see Kane singing and dancing, that's all.'

What I really mean is: I know Kane. You don't.

‘I betcha he'd be great.' She touches his arm. ‘And if he needed any help, I could give him some private tuition. I've been performing since I was five.'

She does a pirouette and her hair whips me in the face. This girl is really starting to get on my nerves.

‘It's not gonna happen,' I say.

‘Why don't you let Kane make up his own mind?'

‘Okay then. Tell her, Kane.'

I look at him but he doesn't say anything.

‘Kane. Tell her.'

Before he can,
three more girls show up and the blonde lets
them all in behind her, which is in front
of me.

Far out!

*

‘D'ya hear Kane's trying out for the musical?' Gavin Fox says to me during maths.

‘You're kidding?'

‘Nah. I don't blame him, either. It's a good way to meet girls. I'm thinking about trying out meself.'

‘Can you sing?'

‘Nah. But I'm hoping for a part where you don't have to. Like maybe a tree.'

‘In that case, I'm going for a part, too.'

‘What as?' he says.

‘A dog.'

We laugh.

‘Boys!' says Mr Relf. ‘I'll be over in a minute to check on your work.'

‘Hey, will you come with me to the tryouts?' Gavin whispers.

‘Heck, yeah.'

Although there's no way I'd be caught dead trying out for the school musical, seeing Kane make a fool out of himself is something I wouldn't miss for the world.

*

‘The sun will rise, tomorrow,
'
sings the blonde girl from the tuckshop line.
‘
Bet your last dollar that tomorrow, there'll be
…'

‘A much better singer than you up there,' I say.

Gavin sniggers and Miss Mason and Mr Relf, the musical directors, turn and give us nasty looks.

Most of the kids who try out can't sing to save themselves. If I were the director I'd keep a box of rotten tomatoes handy. But then a girl I've never seen before gets up on stage. She stands tall, and there's something about her that keeps my eyes open and my mouth shut.

‘Say you'll
care for me, now and always, turn my head
with talk of butterflies …'

She looks out
at the crowd and uses her hands to help her sing.
She's got nice hands and an even nicer voice.

‘Say
you'll want me when I'm old and ugly. Swear to
me that all you say is true. That's
all I ask of you …'

‘Holy Toledo, this girl's good,' says Gavin.

‘She's better than good,' I reply. ‘She's awesome.'

The music crawls under my skin and something rises up inside of me. Something I've never felt before and I have no idea what it is.

She gets to the climax.
‘Love meeeee. That's all I want from you.'

It's like she's talking to me, and me only. And suddenly I know what the feeling I've got inside is. I've read about it in one of Belinda's
Dolly
magazines.

It's lurrrve.

She smiles out at the audience, who gives her a round of applause. I clap so hard my hands go red.

‘Well done, Ashleigh,' says Miss Mason.

Ashleigh,
ay? That's a good name for my first girlfriend.

Miss Mason leans over to Mr Relf and says quietly, ‘We've found our star. Now we just need a leading man.'

Before long it's Kane's turn. I know that he knows I'm watching but he doesn't look over, which annoys me because I want to poke a face at him.

He clicks his fingers to get the beat and then starts singing.

‘I'll win the game on my own.
I'm like a one-man team. I feel power inside me. People
will see me and scream.'

I have a chuckle at the thought of people looking at Kane and screaming, and nudge Gavin to share the joke. But all Gavin says is, ‘Geez. He's not half bad.'

I hate to say it but Gavin's right. Like everything else, Kane's beaten me to puberty, and his low voice rumbles to the back of the room in a way that doesn't make me want to put my hands over my ears.

‘I'm gonna run right past you. Make you
feel so ashamed. I'm gonna live forever. All you
suckers remember my name.'
He starts doing the moonwalk.
‘It'
s Kane, my name is Kane, it's Kane, it'
s Kane, it's KANE!'

He finishes by throwing his arms up in the air, like he's won an Olympic gold medal for moonwalking.

The crowd claps and some girls whistle and scream. I'd like to boo, but I'd probably get kicked out and I want to hear what the teachers say about him.

‘He's good,' murmurs Miss Mason, ‘but his voice is too deep for the lead role. We need someone who sounds a bit more boyish.'

Yes! I think.

‘I disagree,' says Mr Relf. ‘He'd be a good foil for Ashleigh, especially in terms of the romantic story-line.'

No! What are you thinking, Relfy?

‘I suppose Kane
will
look convincing during the kissing scene,' says Miss Mason, stroking her hair. ‘He's a real ladies' man.'

Kissing scene? No one told me about no kissing scene!

‘And I don't think we have too many other options,' says Mr Relf. ‘So it's decided then?'

‘Wait!' I yell.

Everybody looks at me.

‘I want to try out for the lead part,' I say, before I really know what I'm saying.

‘Tony, stop mucking around,' says Miss Mason. ‘We're discussing important business here.'

‘I'm serious,' I say. ‘I can sing like … Michael Jackson.'

Mr Relf and Miss Mason look at each other. ‘This I've gotta see,' says Relfy.

‘Okay, get
up there and do your stuff,' says Miss Mason.

‘I, umm, have a sore throat right now.' I cough. ‘Could I do it tomorrow? Please?'

Miss Mason sighs. ‘Before school, okay?'

‘No worries.'

*

There a
re heaps of better things to do in life than
sit in your room all day and practise music. Like sitting
on the couch all day and watching cricket.
I did
have a piano lesson once but the teacher told Mu
m not to bring me back, just
'cause I broke one of the lady's
stupid keys.

Not the piano key. Her car key. I was mucking around with it while the chubby boy before me finished off his lesson. Yep, my music career ended before it began. Which was fine with me. I didn't want to sit on that stupid brown stool, anyway. Imagine how many kids had let one go on it?

But my little bro, Simon, loves nothing more than hooking up his keyboard to the computer and recording himself playing and singing. He does it for hours. He's not bad, either. I'd never tell him that, but. He's probably good enough to make it onto that TV show
Australia's Got a Tiny Bit of Talent
, except that he won't play for anyone outside the family. He reckons he gets stage fright. The only place I get stage fright is at the trough at school when lots of older boys are in there.

So I figure my plan shouldn't be too difficult to pull off, if Simon will actually agree to help me.

‘Why should I?' he says. ‘What have you ever done for me?'

‘I've done
heaps
of stuff for you. Like that time when I gave you … that thing.'

Then I put my
arm around his shoulder and make him an offer he
can't refuse. ‘Look, if you do this for me,
I'll let you have something that you really, really
like.'

‘What's that?' he says.

‘Your life.'

*

‘Are you ready, Tony?' asks Miss Mason.

I nod, squeeze my hand, and wait for the song to pour out of me. Well, I wait for it to pour out of the state-of-the-art MP3 player that's strapped to my chest. Suddenly it does, and I quickly start lip-syncing.

‘Go grease
fighting, it makes everybody black. Grease fighting, go grease
fighting. Go grease fighting, your mum'll have a heart
attack. Grease fighting, go grease fighting …'

I even learnt some dance moves so I'd look as good as I sound.

‘It will stain. Girls go insane.
Grease fighting. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
go!'

I squeeze the pause button and the singing stops. ‘Is that enough? I don't want to ruin my voice.'

The teachers look up at me for a few seconds, not saying anything. Finally, Miss Mason speaks. ‘Tony, that was … amazing!'

‘Unbelievable,' says Mr Relf.

‘Thanks,' I say.

‘I mean it,' gushes Miss Mason. ‘Your pitch was perfect and the range superb. What I also found remarkable was your projection. How did you manage to make your voice reach us so easily?'

‘Umm. I had the volume turned right up.'

Far out! I wish I wouldn't speak before I think.

Miss Mason and Mr Relf look at each other, and then they laugh. ‘You can't help yourself, can you, Tony?' says Mr Relf. ‘Always the comedian.'

‘Yeah.' I do a fake laugh. ‘I can't help myself.'

Phew! That was close.

‘We'll have to work on your dancing, though,' says Miss Mason.

‘It was terrible,' Mr Relf adds.

What are they talking about? I spent half the night practising in front of the mirror.

‘But you're our best singer by far,' says Miss Mason. ‘So congratulations, Tony. You're our leading man.'

‘Get ready for greatness,' says Mr Relf.

I don't care much about greatness. What I care about is kissing Ashleigh.

*

It's the night before
opening night and I can't sleep. I think about
holding Ashleigh in my arms and placing my lips on hers.
Everyone knows that on-stage lovers always become off-stage lovers sooner
or later. And in my case it looks like
it's going to be sooner rather than later because Ashleigh
has promised to kiss me tomorrow
night.

During rehearsals it wasn't easy to make everyone believe that I really could sing. Luckily, Simon did a good job of singing and recording the songs, although I did have to give him some ‘gentle' persuasion to convince him to do it.

The problem was when Miss Mason went, ‘Hold up!' in the middle of a verse. I had to quickly hit the ‘stop' button while she talked about where we were supposed to stand or how I was supposed to hold Ashleigh. (Yeah, I get to hold Ashleigh. Pretty cool, ay?)

Then Miss Mason might say, ‘Okay, let's do it again from the top,' and I had to cough and say, ‘Sorry, Miss. My throat's killing me. I need a drink of water.' And while I went backstage to get it, I'd reset the MP3.