Her bag was getting full of stuff, some shells, one piece of glass, but mostly debris. She’d empty out the trash in a barrel not far from her house. She and her neighbors took great pride in keeping the beach clean. People could be pigs. She had turned around and was heading back home when she saw him. Andy was watching her from the street that ended at the beach access. He waved to her and she back to him. Of course, that wouldn’t be enough for him. He would have to take his shoes and socks off and sprint down the dunes to join her. She would just have to be guarded.
How did I get to this point in my life?
she asked herself for the umpteenth time that week.
“Hey! I was hoping I would see you today,” he hollered as he ran toward her. He wasn’t even out of breath. “How are you doing on this beautiful day?” He grabbed
her by the shoulders and kissed her cheek. “You look like you might be feeling better.”
“I’m feeling better, thank you.” Pam felt guilty about being annoyed, but what was she going to do? She couldn’t have a relationship with him; it would mean revealing the AIDS thing, and she wasn’t ready for that. She would work at finding that balance he seemed insistent on and move from there. She remembered she had just told him that she needed to be alone. Evidently, what she needed wasn’t really that important to him.
“Mind if I walk with you?” he asked as she continued walking.
Am I being rude? Maybe I better stop
. “We can stop here and talk,” she said. “What are you up to today? Are you parked up there?” she asked, nodding her head toward the street at the top of the dune.
“I’m not working today, actually. I was hoping I would see you because we need to talk. Or I need to talk to you. Would that be possible?”
He looked so hopeful that she felt horrible being firm, but didn’t see any other way around it. “When I told you that I needed to be alone, I was serious. We should have never started seeing each other so soon. Whether it seems important or not, I need to mourn Jack’s death. It seems too difficult to do it when I am with you. My pain finds a different way of coming out, and I find I get annoyed at you. You deserve better than that kind of treatment.”
“I understand that. It doesn’t bother me,” he replied.
“But it bothers me. I don’t think you understand that I want to be alone now. I don’t want to be involved,
to worry about superficial things that are natural to worry about when you are in a new relationship. I think I need to pamper myself a little bit.” He either was going to get it or not. She decided to let it go. She wouldn’t see him again if she could avoid it, but would be pleasant in cases like this where he sought her out. She would refuse him otherwise.
“Okay, when you put it that way, I guess I get it. But I didn’t think I was asking that much of you,” he said, putting her on the spot.
“Just by saying that puts me on the spot. I don’t need to feel guilty about not wanting to see you.” There. She said it out loud. She didn’t want to see him. By the expression on his face, she thought he must have finally got the point.
“Not even as a friend?” he asked. He was not going to take no for an answer. He stood there on the beach in the sun, his hair blowing in the wind, handsome and rugged. What was there not to like? But she didn’t have it in her.
“Oh, don’t look at me like that,” she said as she laughed. “Right now, I just need space. Someday, I think you’ll understand. I need my privacy. I don’t want the exposure that intimacy would force on me right now.”
He looked down at the sand and then up again. “Is this because I came to the hospital?” He was a quick learner.
“Yes, in some ways, it is. I know you were called, but if you had known me well, you would have protected my pride by not coming into the room when I looked like I did. We hardly know each other! The nurse told me you flashed your badge to gain admittance to my room. That really stung.” She had spilled her guts, now to see the way he would respond to her accusation.
“I am so sorry,” he said without sarcasm. “I wasn’t thinking. All I knew was that you were ill and might want someone there. You looked lovely in spite of being so sick.”
She laughed out loud. “Lovely? Well! Thank you, I guess!” What to say to that? He hadn’t gotten defensive or angry. “I’m getting tired. Can we end the conversation? I just need more time, okay? I want to walk back home now, so I am going to say good-bye.” She started walking backward, away from him, smiling at him, and waved bye.
He didn’t follow her as he could have. He waved back and started up the dune. She turned around and kept walking toward home. The walk and the encounter had a positive effect on Pam. She would prepare for her mother and sister, fixing lunch for them. Puttering in her kitchen gave her a renewed sense of her value. This was her kitchen, in her house. She was a member of the community, a neighbor who could be depended on, and although she could count the friends she had on one hand, she knew many people who had been the recipient of her husband’s generosity during his lifetime. There were some good things about Jack, and although he had made it difficult to dwell upon them, she would make it an act of her will from now on. She had a few painful scenes to go through in the coming days, revealing the disease to her family and outing her husband. But she would remain loyal to him and not allow any Jack bashing to take place in his own house. How this would play out was yet to be seen. Staying positive and refusing to give in to self-pity would determine a lot. She was totally alone, and keeping optimistic might be a challenge. It would be a test to see how strong she really was.
She heard a car pull into the driveway. It was Susan and her mother. Thankfully, she left her children behind. Pam went to the door to greet them and could see her mother’s concern right away.
As she embraced her daughter, she whispered, “You’re so thin.”
Susan wasn’t as graceful. “Jesus, Pam, how do you stay so damn skinny?”
They had a group hug, Susan breaking away first to go to the veranda and look out at the ocean. “This view always takes my breath away.” She turned around and looked at Pam. “You deserve to have this to look at every day.”
Pam smiled at her, turning to dish up the fruit salad she had made them.
Oh God
. “Let’s eat outside, okay? Mom, can you get your plate? I’ll bring the tea.” She had hot biscuits made from a mix just out of the oven and fruit salad with cheese.
A light, healthy meal to protect one’s stomach after hearing bad news
, she thought.
They sat around the smaller table on the veranda and began eating.
Nelda talked about what a great time she had with Sue and her boys in Connecticut. “It gets so quiet around here! Those two boys never stop! I got some great exercise.” It was a nice change from the loneliness of the beach.
Pam hadn’t mentioned Sharon coming to get her. She hoped the need would be obvious after her revelation. She would serve coffee and pie, and then tell them. When they were about done with the salad, she got up to get dessert, taking coffee orders.
Susan got up to help her. “Are you okay, Sis? You seem a little frail.” Pam hugged her.
“Let’s talk out on the veranda,” she answered. Susan immediately began to worry. Pam got the tray of coffee things, and Susan followed with the pie and plates. Coffee poured and dessert passed around, they could relax again.
“Mom, while we were in the kitchen, Susan asked me if I was okay. On Tuesday night, or early Wednesday, I passed out. My friend Sandra came Wednesday morning to check on me, found me on the floor, and called an ambulance.” Nelda gasped.
Susan said, “I knew there was something wrong.”
“Let me finish,” Pam said, smiling. “At the hospital, they ran some tests and found out I have AIDS. It sounds terrible, but it’s not as bad as it used to be.” There. It was out.
Her mother sat looking at her like she had two heads. Susan was fighting the urge to be dramatic and run to her.
And then Nelda started. “Where in God’s name would you have gotten AIDS?” She sat with her mouth agape, completely unprepared for this news. “It must be a mistake.”
“It’s not, Mom. They double-check all results. I have AIDS. That’s all you need to know for the present. I found out that you can’t catch it by kissing me or touching me. But if you are uncomfortable being around me, I totally understand it. I am feeling a little punkie right now, so if you don’t mind, Sharon is coming up tomorrow to take you home with her for a week.”
The two women sat in silence, in shock.
Susan hadn’t said anything because she didn’t know what to say. If Pam was saying that it wasn’t as bad as it sounded, she would grasp that and run with it. “Whatever
you tell me, I’ll go with that, okay? I won’t go berserk worrying if you say there is nothing to worry about. What did Sharon say?”
“She doesn’t know yet. I’ll tell her tomorrow. I think it should come from me, don’t you agree?” she asked, looking directly at her mother. “I know the temptation is to call everyone you know and tell them, but I am asking you to keep my confidence. My children don’t know yet, and they won’t be home until next Thursday.”
“Oh, what are you going to say to them?” Nelda was clearly confused. She wanted more, but Pam would not give in to it, to her need to know all the gory details.
“Exactly what I have told you and nothing more. The how’s and why’s of this are my business right now. I need the privacy to recover from the shock of it. That is all I ask, that you respect my privacy, my right to give out information as it is needed. I will not satisfy anyone’s curiosity.” She knew it was killing her mother not to ask, ‘Did Jack give it to you?’ Or, like Marie, think she got it from someone else! Pam let a laugh escape. “Let’s move on, shall we? I’m bored talking about it. If you want more information, look it up online.” She stood up and started clearing plates, wishing she had arranged for her mother to leave that afternoon. But Nelda wasn’t budging.
“Well, I never! My daughter tells me she has AIDS and I am supposed to simply sit here and not have any questions?” Nelda was enraged. “That is the most unreasonable request I have ever heard!”
“Mom, just let it go, will you? This isn’t about you anymore. It’s about Pam and what’s best for her and her
kids.” Dear Susan would try as hard as she could to make peace, but Pam knew this was just the tip of the iceberg.
“I will not let it go!” Now she was raising her voice. Pam stayed in the kitchen, fighting the urge to throw the dishes in the sink and get into bed. Her mother would not ruin Pam’s resolve to stay above this.
“I want to know why my middle-aged daughter has AIDS! Why?”
Pam calmly walked out of the kitchen onto the veranda. The sun was directly overhead and cast wonderful shadows through the wisteria growing above. “It’s none of your business, Mom. Is that the answer you want to hear? I’m not speaking of it with you anymore today. Live with that or leave. It’s up to you. If I told you I had cancer, you wouldn’t expect to hear any juicy details, would you?”
At that, her mother decompensated. “How dare you! I have every right to know the details! HOW DID YOU GET AIDS?” She yelled this so loudly Susan looked out at the beach. Someone had to have heard that outcry. Nelda stood up and put her hands on her hips, a stance she used when the girls were children. “I will not be silenced!”
Pam looked at Susan, and the two women started laughing. Pam laughed until she had tears running down her face. Susan howled, her mouth stretched as wide as she would open it, with no sound was coming out. Nelda, appalled and furious, stamped out of the room toward her apartment. The sisters went to each other, continuing the laughter, when, as though a switch had been turned, Susan started crying, grabbing her sister, and then Pam lost it.
They held each, crying for what might be, the scary unknown, and a mother who was as unfit to be a mother as a woman ever could be.
E
xcept for burping up cardamom and cumin after lunch, Marie was having a good afternoon. She was too busy to think about AIDS, and there was so much to do and so many new faces that it was easy to stay focused. Carolyn Fitzsimmons was making progress on the file Marie had given her. She could be found in her office, writing away, reading, checking details. Marie moved on to the next project, which was a demographic report regarding the possible development of property adjacent to the south side of Riverside Gardens. Currently, it was a mess of vacant industrial buildings. She had given that file to the older, handsome gentleman, Steve Marks.
His team was taking their time with it, making site visits and taking photos, double-checking numbers. They had found several contradictions in the research. When Steve came to Marie with the problem, she was not surprised that the researcher was none other than the beautiful and popular Sandra Benson.
Shit
. When the report was returned to Lane, Smith & Romney, the documentation regarding the changes would go along with it for the entire world to see. In the meantime, she would enjoy working with handsome Mr. Marks. She wasn’t what one would call flirtatious, at least not before Jack had died, but Marie had learned early to sniff out a lamb or a snake.
Steve Marks was a quintessential womanizer of the worst kind; he was broke, so he lurked around young women of means. He had Marie pegged as an older working girl, not his usual conquest. And then he found out through office whispering that the file he was working on was from a firm downtown whose owner was the husband of Marie’s sister. Marie went to their house in Babylon every weekend. The guy was a doting brother-in-law; it was talked in hushed tones around the office that he took Marie to lunch every day, had paid for her car and apartment, and basically occupied her life so that she never dated. Conveniently for Steve, he dropped dead of a heart attack on a train to Long Island. She was so aloof most of the time that no one knew anything more about her. Most of the office gossip came from the secretaries and their sources. His curiosity was aroused.