Double Blind (8 page)

“It's always the same woman. Same man. Same knife and suitcase. I don't know who the man is. But I do know it's all real. It truly happened.”

The words bounced off the walls. Just saying them aloud made me shiver.

Jerry was scribbling notes. “Why do you think that?”

“I just know. It's like I lived it. I'm in the man's head, watching it all happen.”

Jerry wrote some more, then lowered his pen. “Anything else?”

How could he be so
calm
? His expression never changed. Neither did Ice Queen's. Couldn't they understand how this terrified me? “Isn't that enough?”

He surveyed me.

“I want the chip taken out.”

Jerry shifted in his chair. “Lisa, remember our discussions of how the Empowerment Chip emits electronic impulses that ‘turn off' the trauma in your brain? You were sure the chip had done this for you.”

“It did. It really made me better. Then
this
happened.”

“Okay. But you have to understand the chip only emits signals. It has no data on it. It can't place some picture in your brain.”

“I can't tell you how it's doing this. I only know it is.”

Jerry put his paper and pen on the table between us. “What you're describing is impossible. The chip has no capability for such a thing.”

“But it's
doing
it.”

He spread his hands.

“Okay, maybe the visions aren't real.” I didn't believe that, but anything to make them listen. “Maybe the impulses the chip is firing are causing me to see them. They just seem real because my own brain is making them up. Like a dream seems real when you're having it. Either way the chip's still doing this to me.”

“Perhaps.” Jerry spoke the word slowly. He wasn't buying it.

“So it has to come out.”

He studied me.

Ice Queen spoke up. “You really are telling us you want a second surgery to remove the chip.”

“Yes!”

“Have you thought this through? All the good that chip is doing by holding back your grief and fear—that would go away. The minute the chip is gone, the signals are gone. You'd be like before. And you were desperate to change that.”

Her words slugged me in the stomach. I pressed back in my chair. Why hadn't I thought of this? I'd been so obsessed with the visions . . .

I
couldn't
return to that life-sucking depression.

But at least it was something I understood. These visions were evil nightmares come true. They were making me way more crazy than depression.

“Then give me a new chip. One that isn't tainted.”

They looked at me like I was crazy. New fear flung itself through me. If they didn't help me . . . “Listen, both of you. I. Can't. Handle this.”

Jerry considered me. “I can set you up with one of our psychiatrists. Maybe a few sessions—”

“I'm not crazy.”

“I didn't say you're crazy. I just think—”

“I want the chip taken out.”

“Lisa. We can't do that.”

“Why?”

“It's in the papers you signed. Remember? We had to put the language in there to cover those receiving the placebo. The chip stays, either way.”

“Mine isn't a placebo.”

“The same rules apply.”

“But it's hurting me!”

“It's not, Lisa. It is not. Your brain is hurting you. This isn't coming from the chip.”

“It has to be. The thing is cursed!”

Jerry leaned back with a sigh. Placed a fist beneath his chin.

Great. They thought I was insane.

I inhaled a ragged breath. “Please. Whether you think the chip is doing this or not, I want it out.”

Ice Queen's expression hardened. “There is no provision in this trial for that.”

“There has to be.”

“I'm afraid not.”

I glared at her.

“Look, Ms. Newberry.” She spoke as if talking to a child. “Do you have any idea the cost of that procedure? There is no way Cognoscenti could provide a second surgery to everyone in this trial. It was never promised.”

“I'm not everyone. I'm just me.”

“It wasn't promised to you.”

My muscles tightened. Much more of this and I'd punch her out. Jerry too. “I'm telling you I want this chip
out
of me.”

“If you want it out that badly, you're free to do so,” Jerry said. “But it would be at your own expense. And you'd be talking a great deal of money.”

My arms folded. “You said a second surgery wasn't promised to anyone in the trial.”

“Right.”

“So I
quit
the trial. I'm done. And I want this fixed.”

“You can stop the trial if you want.” Jerry's voice remained so infuriatingly calm. “But I'd think twice about that. As part of it you have access to a psychiatrist's help. If you pull out, you're on your own.”

“Looks to me like I'm on my own anyway.”

Frustration flicked across Jerry's face. His mouth opened, then shut.

“Please, Ms. Newberry.” Ice Queen again. “Let us help you.”

“You
can
help. By taking out the chip!”

“We can't authorize that.”

“Then get somebody higher up! Let me talk to your boss.”

“The answer will be the same.”

My feet pressed into the floor. “Fine then. Maybe I should just go to the police.”

She blinked “About what?”

Why had that popped out of me?
Yeah, Lisa, about what?
“The vision. The murder. Like I said, I think it really happened.”

“It's not a real murder. It's all in your head.”

“If it's all in my head, the chip put it there!”

“But it didn't.”

We were going around in circles. “Then where's all this coming from?”

“Your own brain.” Jerry emphasized his words. “What you're describing are panic attacks. Lots of people have them. And they don't have implanted chips. Our brains are intricate, complex pieces of machinery. We have not begun to understand the depths of them. But take a hard look at this ‘vision' you're having. Notice how it involves a man strangling a woman? That's right out of your own experience.”

“Really? What about the knife and the house I've never seen before? And the suitcase?”

He shook his head.

My jaw twitched. “Maybe I should talk to a newspaper or something. Tell them what's going on with this company.”

More stupid threats. I'd never do that.

Ice Queen's head tilted. “I'll tell you what's going on—you're seeing things. Any reporter you talk to would come to us next for our side of the story. We'd have to tell him the truth.”

“And what would that be?”

“That you're a depressed, traumatized woman who voluntarily entered our trial. That when things didn't go your way, you pulled out—after the expensive surgery, I might add—and made threats.”

Tears filled my eyes, and that only made me madder. “I'll tell them what you've done to me.”

“Ms. Newberry, please,” Jerry said. “For your own sake, don't do that.”

My own sake? “Is that some kind of threat?”

He smacked both hands on his legs. “Just . . .
Can
you stay a part of this trial and let us help you?”

“You're not helping me unless you take out the chip!”

“Then we'll have no choice but to terminate your participation.”

I threw my hands in the air. “Who cares? What difference does it make now anyway? You've messed up my life—and you
won't fix it
!”

Jerry let out a long breath.

Ice Queen's jaw flexed. “I will
not
sit by and let you undermine this project.”

Jerry waved his hand at her. “Clair—”

“No, Jerry, she needs to hear this.” Ice Queen faced me square on. “Do you have any idea how important this trial is? And how well it's been going?”

Oh, it was important, all right. Important enough to make Cognoscenti millions of dollars. “I'll bet you own stock in the company.”

Ice Queen's cheeks flushed. “I'm talking about the good the Empowerment Chip can do, Ms. Newberry. Imagine people like yourself, so traumatized. Imagine all the vets coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan with PTSD. Or people so depressed they want to commit suicide. This chip will save people's
lives
.”

I'd thought the same thing.

“Do you really want to go out there”—Clair pointed toward the window—“and tell people this chip is bad? You really want to place the welfare of other people at risk because
you
are having panic attacks?”

Oh, so now
I
was the bad guy? “I'm having
panic attacks
, Ms. Saxton, because of
your
chip. If it's going to do this to other people, you can
bet
I'm going to tell the world about it.”

Ice Queen lasered me with her eyes. No point in punching her now—I'd break my hand on her jaw.

“Fine then.” She rose and plucked the envelope with my name on it off Jerry's desk. It was sealed. She sat down again, holding it in both hands. “You want out of this trial?” Her voice was dead quiet. Condemnation oozed out her pores. They had offered me life through the Empowerment Chip—the new invention that would change the world—and I had the audacity to drag it through the mud.

“Yes.”

“You got it.” She opened the envelope and pulled out two pieces of paper. Her eyes lingered on the first. For a split second her poker face twitched with . . . surprise? Vindication? She held out the paper for Jerry to see. He read it, blinked, and nodded.

Ice Queen leaned forward to hand me the second sheet of paper. “This is the form you need to sign, saying you're pulling out of the trial.”

Jerry held out his pen.

I snatched the paper from her hands and started reading. The second paragraph stopped me cold. “This says I don't hold you accountable for anything. But I do.”

“If you want out of the trial, Ms. Newberry”—Ice Queen's tone chilled—“you need to sign it.”

“I do—and I won't.” I tossed the paper on the table.

“All right, then.” She picked up the document. “We'll have to sign for you on the next line, did you see it? That for reasons of refusing to participate, we are withdrawing you from the trial.”

“Go right ahead. And I'm just letting you know, when I get home, I'm calling the
San Jose Mercury
. And probably a TV station or two. Not to mention I'll sue Cognoscenti for everything it owns.” All bluff. But I was desperate.

Disappointment crossed Jerry's face. “You won't want to do that, Ms. Newberry.”

“Oh, really?”

He exchanged a look with Ice Queen. She placed the first piece of paper in his hand. He folded it in half. Unfolded it again. “Now that you're withdrawn from the trial, you're entitled to know about the chip you were given.” Jerry's voice was grim. “The vice president in charge of the trial placed the information in this envelope in case things didn't go well in this meeting. Clearly, they haven't. We had not known the content until opening it.”

What did it matter now? My gaze flicked to Ice Queen. She eyed me, mouth firm. So I'd sounded that wacked on the phone, had I. Crazy enough that they'd talked to their boss. Before I ever walked in here, they'd planned for this. I was making too much noise, and Cognoscenti just wanted me out. Didn't want to admit their miracle Empowerment Chip had some major flaw.

Well, good riddance to both of them.

I lifted a shoulder. “So what does it say?”

Jerry held the paper out to me. “You received a placebo.”

Chapter 9

The cab ride home was a blur. Jerry Sterne's stunning
words circled in my head along with scenes of the murder.

A placebo. A blank chip.

Could my brain really be making all this up? Could it be just coincidence that these “panic attacks” started right after the chip was implanted?

No way.

And by the way, if the chip was a placebo, why had my depression lifted? The huge difference in my emotions couldn't be merely from the power of suggestion. I
knew
what I felt. I'd been better. Really better. Then—this.

When I walked into my apartment the phone was ringing. I checked the ID. Sherry. Guilt washed through me. I'd never called her. I picked up the receiver.

“Hi, Sherry.”

“Where have you
been
? I've been calling you for the past hour.”

I could hear J.T.'s kiddy music playing in the background. “I'm so sorry. I should have called you before I left.”

“Left? You felt like going somewhere?”

My throat hurt. I tried to answer but couldn't.