Dreaming a Reality (13 page)

“Thank you, John.”

Just before the phones disconnected, John uttered an, “I love you.”

I was taken aback. I hadn’t heard him say that in years. Right after the phone call, I was in higher and more hopeful spirits.

* * * *

It was a Tuesday in the first week in December, as the counselors informed us during one of the meetings. It had been a full week of hospital stay and by this time I was really itching to get out.

“How much longer are you going to keep me here?” I asked the doctor as he stood beside my bed.

“Not too much longer, Katherine. We want to see if your vitals are stable.”

Livid with the doctor, I began to raise my voice. “You can’t kill my emotions; they live and breathe inside me. I don’t want to be a zombie, either.”

The feeling inside me was like a slow storm rising above the lake, as the skies began to darken.

“Katherine, it is always good to express your emotions, and the meds I have you on now shouldn’t make you feel sluggish in any way. If you are starting to feel side effects though, alert me as soon as possible.”

“Then you will let me go?”

“Yes, I should have the results by tomorrow morning.”

“Good.”

I calmed down after hearing the news that I would be leaving the next day. It had been over a week by now, and two weeks since I last saw Jeremy. I missed him terribly.

* * * *

It was six o’ clock, an hour after dinner, and time for visiting hours. I doubted I would get anyone. My friend Jenny, who’d called me over the weekend, was at home tending to her sick son, so I knew she couldn’t make it. When I looked up to see who the nurse buzzed into the halls, I was happily surprised to see Todd.

We embraced quickly and walked back to my room.

He sat on the glossy vinyl chair, while I took a seat on the bed.

“How’s Mom?” I asked abruptly.

“She’s stable and in good spirits. She wants to see you, Kat. She doesn’t know you’re here.”

“Good, don’t tell her. I will visit her once I get out. Can you pick me up for discharge?”

“No, I can’t. Finals are this week, and I can’t miss.”

Todd had been taking classes at the community college near our home, and I knew how important it was to him.

“What about John; can’t he do it?” Todd asked.

“He’s out of town.”

“Martha? What about her? I would say Dad, but he’s always with Mom.”

“I guess…”

“Katherine, it’s important you stay well. Don’t worry about leaving just yet.”

“Yeah,” I muttered softly as warm tears began to stream down my face.

“Come on, Kat. Where’s that feisty little girl that used to get bullied into fights at school and win all the time? You need to fight now.”

“Okay, Todd.”

Those comments alone played on my mind. For years I was harassed by my peers. Slowly but surely, after dating John and getting support from Todd, I rebuilt my confidence.

Toward the end of our visit, the nurses called out in every room. “Visiting hours are now over. Please come to the nurse’s station and sign out.”

I got up off the bed, walked over to Todd and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you for this. I really appreciate it.”

“I know you do, Kat. Stay well. I’ll call you soon.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

Thursday—eleven days of hospitalization, and I was in much better shape. I felt centered again, myself again, and my thoughts were clear. The doctor came in with the blood results.

“It looks good, Katherine,” he said. “Your Tegretol levels are where they should be. I will fill out the forms for your release.”

“Today?” My release date had been pushed back from when Todd came to visit, but I knew he was too busy to pick me up anyway. John still was out of town, and Jenny didn’t want to catch anything from the hospital because of her son’s condition, so that left Martha. “Oh. Thank you, Doctor.”

“Please, Katherine, stay on those meds. It’s vital to your health. You wouldn’t want to have another episode like this.”

“Yes, Doctor. I most certainly will.”

My discharge would be at noon.

I had to make phone calls to get a ride. I didn’t want to call Martha since I hadn’t spoken with her in over a year and didn’t know how she felt about it. It would be awkward having to talk to her again, yet I desperately wanted to get out of the hospital and didn’t want to wait any more days than I had to. So, I built up the courage and called her.

“Martha, it’s me; Kat. I’m in the hospital, and they are letting me go. I just need a ride. Can you help me?”

“I haven’t heard from you in so long, Kat, and now you need me. Is that right?” Her voice pierced through the phone. “Where were you when I needed you? Better yet, when Mom needed you? No, I can’t help you. You can’t even help yourself.”

“Martha, please! I know it’s been a long time, and I’m sorry for that, but I really need you right now.”

“I don’t want
to help you.”

“Don’t want to? It’s just a ride for Christ’s sake! I’ll pay you.”

“I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything to do with you and your mistakes.”

“Martha, we’re sisters.” I was appalled at what she said. Even though we hadn’t talked in so long, I couldn’t believe how bitter she was acting.

“I don’t have a sister anymore.” With that, she hung up.

Shocked, I let the phone slip out of my fingers as it began to dangle like a pendulum clock. “I don’t have a sister anymore.” The words chanted in my mind.

I slunk down off the wall and just sat there, curling my legs in the fetal position and nestling my head between them. As I wrapped my arms around me, I closed my eyes and stared into the pitch blackness and felt numb again—like the feeling I had when I first awoke in the hospital. I couldn’t cry at this point. I was too stunned.

* * * *

I was never really that close to my oldest sister. Martha lived in a world of her own. Since she was raised first, she was cared for first. My parents tried extremely hard to guide her in the best direction they could—all the while forgetting about me and Todd.

From education to activities, they were actively involved, but Martha took a bad turn in high school when her dating got out of control. She was considered a “slut” in those days, hanging out with her druggie friends.

Back then, she was a very attractive and voluptuous girl with big, flowing hair and shapely curves that attracted all the guys. I remember one time when I was little she owned a fish tank filled with all kinds of tropical fish her “at the time” boyfriend would give her. I was only nine or ten at the time and tried to take care of them since Martha wouldn’t. I did all I could to keep the fish alive, doing research about all the tropical and exotic fish. That’s how my love for traveling grew.

However, Martha hadn’t cared about the fish and never cleaned the tank. She dumped the fish just like she did her boyfriends. Even though she changed her ways after she stopped using drugs and got married, she remained selfish—always worrying about herself, not the fish, not her boyfriends, not anything. It wasn’t until she became a mother that she actually started caring for someone else.

I got up off the floor and sauntered to my room. The thought of having to wait another day seemed bleak as the day proceeded aimlessly.

Yet again, I had to wait.

* * * *

Todd and I spoke that night, and I told him about my dilemma with Martha. After classes were over he said he might manage to squeeze in time to pick me up, but as the minutes passed, discharge release time at 10:00 p.m. came and went.

It wasn’t until morning that he actually came to get me. I was finally getting out and on my way home.

The moment I walked in the door, the house looked amazing. Everything was clean and neat and had the smell of lemons. The carpet was vacuumed and dishes done. Even the floor in the kitchen seemed to shine.

Jeremy had spent nearly two weeks alone, and I was extremely proud of him for keeping the house in order.

We embraced the minute I entered the house. I showered him with kisses as he laughed and said, “Mom, please, you’re crushing me!” From the look on his face I knew he enjoyed it and was just as happy to see me as I was to see him.

“Jer, buddy. The house looks wonderful, and it smells so nice. Did you use the carpet-fresh stuff?”

“Yeah, Ma. I sprinkled some on and vacuumed, but I think I broke it. It was making these weird whistling noises.”

“Ha.” I laughed. “No worries. I’m just glad you were safe. You’re becoming such an adult, Jeremy. I am so proud of you.” I rustled around his hair as we both stood there in the kitchen.

After such a warm welcome, I started to unwind and unpack my bags. The clothes I wore at the hospital were from donations, but I’d packed them anyway as the nurse insisted on taking all my stuff, including five thick folders filled with paperwork. I had everything in there from how to accept my illness to medical insurance information.

I could see the laundry piled up. I was puzzled to see the luggage from my Bahamas trip had been sitting in the corner of my room, as if I hadn’t even gone. As I unzipped the suitcase and flipped it open, I could see that everything was neatly packed and untouched. That’s right! I thought. I didn’t even get a chance to wear anything. It all happened so fast. “Jer, how did I get this back?” I asked him from the bedroom while he relaxed on the couch, flipping channels again like always.

“That guy came by; Mitch, or whatever his name is…and dropped it off. Man he’s a character. Real sure of himself. You know how to pick ‘em, Ma.”

“Jeremy, I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am for putting you through all this. From now on, Mitch is out of the picture.”

“Dean, is he out of the picture too?”

“How do you know about that?”

“Well, he called the house quite a few times looking for you.”

“Was that it?”

“Yeah, and oh, he said he had something for you, and to please give him a call. That was it.”

Oh, God! What does he want now? Why was Dean still pestering me to talk to him? What was it this time? Was there something else of mine he had? First my I.D. and now what? My credit cards too perhaps? Although I hadn’t noticed anything missing, who knows what it could be.

After I got situated at home, I walked upstairs to the computer to check my e-mail. As I took a few deep breathes and signed in, a whopping three hundred and eighty-one unread messages popped up. I just laughed and lightly breezed through them. I didn’t have that overwhelming feeling like I usually did, so I could tell the meds were working. I figured I would sort through them later, chipping away at them slowly one at a time, but right now that didn’t matter, because right now I felt good.

I really wanted to make a valiant effort to stay on track and make a difference for my loved ones. I desperately wanted their trust back—not just Jeremy’s and my mother’s, but John’s as well.

The schedule I adhered to in the hospital was fairly easy to abide by—to have three meals a day, at roughly the same time each day, finding coping skills to deal with stress, such as writing and walking, keeping mentally and physically fit and above all else, taking the meds as prescribed.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Although I was still having trouble sleeping, as I awoke in a sweat at the same time in the middle of the night, I wasn’t as troubled to realize it was just a dream.

As I got up and headed down the hall, I could see that Jeremy was finally sleeping in his bedroom, which I was pleased about. The house was dark and quiet as the blue hue from the moon peered through the blinds. I was compelled to step outside for a smoke, but thought against it since I wanted to cut down. In the hospital I wore a nicotine patch, which helped, and now, since my nervousness had subsided, I was able to cut down more and more.

I peeked out the window and watched the glistening snowflakes fall from the sky. Outside was picturesque with the trees lightly powdered with snow. I looked into the distance to where the lake peered through the evergreens as shadows of light flickered from the few cars that passed down the street.

Suddenly, my eyes caught sight of the dark silhouette standing behind the trees. It was hard to make out. What was it?

I turned around for a moment and started to become worried, and then I dared myself to look back. The shadow was gone.

Down the road a deer was grazing on the dried-up twigs sticking out from the snow-covered ground. Relieved, I passed the animal off as the shadow; that’s what it had to be.

After the little adrenaline rush, or scare, I decided to put on my coat and step outside into the backyard. It was wonderful to have the freedom of the open air again—even if it was a frozen temperature.

Although I’d tried to quit, I had such a craving for a cigarette. I reached inside my pocket and grabbed my smokes. As I lit up, sparking up the match, smelling sulfur, the flame glowed around me making a halo effect in the air.

It was like the dream—the girl had still visited me in my subconscious. Why was this still happening? Who was she?