Authors: Kate Spofford
I should have done something. Said
something.
Now I feel my fists clench up, ready to
fight. I force them to relax. My leg tense, ready to run. Why did I
freeze?
I have never felt this way. Weak. Like a girl
who can’t take care of herself. No, my mommy had to come in and
rescue me. Before, I did the rescuing. I hadn’t frozen before. Why
did I freeze last night?
Moving my head, I wipe off the moisture that
has leaked from my eyes. I am not crying, I tell myself.
Eventually I feel the dark blanket begin to
soak up some of the sun, and my body heat warms up the inside of
the blanket, and I begin to feel drowsy.
“The next time you see my face, I’ll be
raping you.”
I am naked and holding the gun and I just
want to blow Matthew’s face off his head but when I pull the
trigger nothing happens. Matthew was on his way out the door,
holding his injured shoulder. At the sound of the clicking trigger,
however, he cocks his head and turns back toward me.
“I guess Daddy forgot to load your gun?” he
says with a smirk.
He begins to walk toward me.
I try to pull the trigger again, but it’s too
heavy. My finger won’t work.
“Look at you.” His eye rove up and down my
body and I now try to cover myself up.
Then I hear another voice. “Hey.” It’s coming
from behind me.
Matthew looks over my shoulder, confused, and
I turn around.
It’s Jeff.
“Hey,” I say. It’s weird to see him
conscious. Awake, and standing up, his clothes clean.
“Um, I’m Jeff,” he says.
“I know.” I want to smack myself in the
forehead. “I mean, I’m Kayla.”
“Uh, do you need some help with this guy?”
Jeff asks, nodding behind me.
I turn back to Matthew, who looks
confused.
“I’m pretty sure he’s dead in real life,” I
say, and as the words come out of my mouth, chunks of his flesh
begin to disappear. Blood oozes, and he watches in horror and pain
as his body is ripped and slashed and bitten by unseen teeth. When
his shirt and stomach are ripped open, he attempts to catch his own
intestines in his hands. The organs slip and slide from between his
fingers. His mouth hangs open as though he is too shocked to
scream. Then his throat explodes and he collapses to his knees
before his body collides to the floor, dead.
“Wow,” Jeff says.
“Yeah, my mom did that,” I say proudly.
He glances at where my mom is lying
unconscious on the floor.
“Well, you know, dreams.” I shrug.
“Dreams,” Jeff says slowly. “I’m in your
dream.”
“Yeah, I’m a dreamwalker,” I explain.
“Although...normally I walk into other peoples’ dreams.”
“A dreamwalker.” Jeff looks at me, then
quickly looks down at the floor. His cheeks are pink. “Um, do you
think you dream up some clothes? You’re a little distracting.”
“Oh, yeah, sure,” I say. I go into my bedroom
and throw on some pajamas and a hoodie, inhaling the scents,
remembering this bedroom that doesn’t exist anymore. It’s only as
I’m yanking the sweatshirt over my head that I ask myself what the
hell I’m doing. If this is my dream, I should have been able to
dream myself some clothes. My dream... I’ve never gone dreamwalking
in my own dreams. Have I? Jeff is in my dream.
I hurry back into the kitchen, where Jeff is
now sitting on the counter, gazing curiously down at my mother.
“You’re a dreamwalker,” I say to him.
He looks at me. “Huh?”
“This is my dream. You walked into my dream.
You’re a dreamwalker.”
“I guess. I mean, I’ve sort of had weird
dreams like this before.”
“Yes. Because you’re a dreamwalker.”
“You said you were the dreamwalker.”
“I am. But you are too.”
Jeff appears thoughtful. “I guess that would
explain a lot.”
“What did you think was happening?”
“I thought it was lucid dreams. Like, I can
control what I’m doing just like if I’m awake, you know? I didn’t
really think it was someone else’s dream, but now that you explain
it that way... yeah. That must be it.”
“I’ve never met another dreamwalker,” I say,
and I find myself smiling.
“Me neither. I mean, no one ever seemed to
even remember I was in their dreams.” Jeff smiles back at me.
And I guess because this is my dream, the
room brightens a little, and I suddenly know that it’s daytime and
the sun is shining outside, and Matthew’s body is gone and so is my
mother’s. It’s a sunny afternoon in the kitchen at the house I grew
up in. It smells like pine and lemons and home.
Jeff’s forehead suddenly crinkles. “And
you’re a werewolf, too?”
“Oh! Yeah. And I’m supposed to be asking you
questions about Zeke. You know Zeke?”
“Zeke.” That one word is filled with so much
worry. “Is Zeke okay?”
“I have no idea. Daniel wants to know what
happened to Zeke. He thinks you kidnapped him and killed him. Or
something.” I shrug. “I’m not sure why he thinks that, but you did
get shot and Daniel says you smell like Zeke.”
“But you don’t know where he is right now?”
Jeff asks.
“No. We were hoping you did.”
Jeff jumps down from the counter and grabs me
by the shoulders. “We need to find him. We need to get him away
from that psycho.”
“What are you talking about?”
“We have to–”
“
Kayla, wake up.” I glance around, looking
for this new voice,
and find myself back on the picnic table.
Daniel is shaking me. “Kayla? Wake up.”
“I’m awake, I’m awake. Geez,” I rub my face
where it had rested against the wood planks. “What? I was trying to
talk to Jeff.”
“Oh, sorry.” Daniel steps back a bit and
stands awkwardly. “I, um, didn’t really think you were asleep at
first. I just wanted to talk to you.”
I sit up, groaning. “Well, I’m pretty
freaking tired.”
“Yeah... um, I felt a lot of... you know,
what you went through.”
“Felt it?” Suddenly I’m not so tired. I’m
remembering how I felt Daniel’s pain back on the train and
afterwards.
“Yeah. I guess it’s because of the mate
bond?”
Oh, Jesus. “Daniel, we’re not... we’re not
mated,” I tell him.
He looks confused. “But you said—”
“Apparently what I thought was wrong,” I say
with a sigh. “Remy told me. It’s all pack bond stuff. Apparently I
would have been able read my mother’s thoughts, or Aunt Jenny’s
thoughts, but they had learned how to block it. And I would have
been able to feel them too. Like I can feel almost everyone in the
pack now.”
“Oh. Um...” Daniel looks off into the trees.
I squint at him, trying to hear what he’s thinking. I get nothing,
and that worries me.
“Daniel, what happened to you? After you...
left. Me. After you left me. During that storm?”
“I’m sorry,” he says automatically. “Really,
I just couldn’t handle it. I knew you could take care of yourself.
You were so good at the wolf thing. And I just couldn’t—”
I hold up a hand. “Look, I get it. You
weren’t ready to be an alpha. It’s a lot of pressure. But that’s
not what I meant. After you left, and I came straight back home, I
felt pain. It was really bad.”
Daniel sits down beside me on top of the
picnic table. “Oh. That. I, uh, accidentally walked into a bear
trap.”
“Wow.” I imagine those big jagged-tooth traps
from cartoons. “Wasn’t expecting that.”
“I was pretty out of it. Hypothermia or
something, probably. That was how I met Zeke. Him and his dad set
the traps–I guess they were survivalists or something. He got me
out of the trap and brought me to his house and took care of me for
a while.”
That explained the pain in my leg, but not
the pain in my side. “And what else happened?”
“Well...” Daniel winces at the memory. “I got
shot, then fell on an axe blade.”
I bust out a laugh. “Sorry, that’s not funny.
I guess I didn’t realize you were such a klutz.”
Daniel chuckles. “Yeah.”
“How did that even happen?”
“Basically Zeke’s father thought I was going
to attack him, he told Zeke to shoot me. I was holding an axe and I
fell on it. After that he put me in the barn while I healed because
he didn’t think I was a good influence on Zeke.”
“Oh, I remember that.”
“How did you... oh, yeah. You were actually
there, that time I dreamt about you.”
“Yeah.”
The silence returns. I still get nothing but
static from Daniel’s head.
“You learned how to block me.”
He blushes a little. “Yeah, Remy taught me...
He said it was like I was yelling in his head.”
“Your thoughts are pretty loud. Not anymore.
But they were.”
He looks down, then glances at me sideways.
“Was it... me? You don’t want to be with me? Because it wasn’t
good?”
Now it’s my turn to blush a little. “No! That
wasn’t it at all. Back then I thought that was what was supposed to
happen. My mom and your mom and Grammy all telling me my whole life
that I was going to be your wife. Your mate. I thought this was
what was going to happen no matter what. So I tried really hard.
And for that moment, I thought that was what I wanted. But... we’re
cousins. First cousins. It’s illegal, I think. It never really felt
right to me.” I look at him. “I mean, didn’t you ever question
it?”
“Well, yeah. It just seemed weird. I guess I
never got the whole ‘you’re going to grow up and marry your cousin’
speech or whatever you got. It was all new. I felt like you wanted
to be with me. You know. When we had sex.”
“At that moment in time I did,” I tried to
explain. “But now I’m realizing it was all a mistake. You know? Our
parents grew up so isolated, they don’t know half of what’s real
about being a wolf. Everything they told me about it was wrong.
They have this idea that if we keep our bloodlines pure, or
whatever, that makes us stronger wolves. Maybe it does, but it’s
also incest. It’s wrong, Daniel.”
“I know,” he says softly, looking at his
hands. “I guess I’m just wondering if you realized all this after
you decided you wanted to be with Remy.”
“Oh, God,” I moan, because throughout this
whole conversation all I can think about is being with Jeff. “I
think I had a bit of a crush on him, but he’s old. I can’t be with
him.”
“Really?” Daniel looks incredulous. “That’s
not what he said. Or your mom.”
Suddenly I’m pissed. I spring from the picnic
table and stalk into the cabin.
“Wait, Kayla, don’t tell them I said—”
Daniel’s voice trails off behind me.
I enter the bedroom, where Mom and Remy are
talking next to the bed. At my arrival, the two look up guiltily. I
glare at them for a moment.
“Are you two planning my wedding?” I
demand.
“What? No!” Remy says quickly.
“Kayla, honey, we only want what’s best for
you,” Mom says at the same time.
For a moment I cannot even speak, I am so
furious. My finger jabs at Remy. “
You
are a liar.” Turning
to my mother, I jab again. “And
you
do not control my
life.”
Remy attempts to speak. “We’re not—”
“Shut up!” I scream. “You don’t get to choose
for me! I get to choose. Me! And I’m only fifteen fucking years old
and I’m not marrying that cousin,” I fling one arm toward the
doorway where Daniel stands frozen like a deer, “or that cousin,” I
jab my finger at Remy again, “or anybody! I’m not getting married
to anyone I’m related to! I’m not getting married to Geo! I’m not
fucking doing it!” I inhale so I can scream all the louder, “You
can’t make me!”
There is stunned silence, then my mother
opens her mouth.
I don’t want to hear it. I turn and barrel
past Daniel and out the back door and run.
I’m a mile away before I even realize I’ve
shifted into wolf.
Here, far away, deep among the trees and the
dirt and rocks and the budding flowers and grass and leaves, here I
can finally breathe.
I’ve run out all my anger, and now I’m left
with the fallout. I’m supposed to be the alpha. All those new
people, they all heard me, their leader, throw a tantrum.
At the same time, I still feel justified.
I should have a future. I should be able to
choose my future, especially if I’m the alpha.
I dropped out of school because my mother
told me to find Daniel. My mother doesn’t have a college fund for
me. So, college won’t be my future. No career.
And marriage? That’s the one thing left for
me to choose?
All my life everyone acted like Daniel and I
were going to end up together. It wasn’t really said. I remember
playing house with Daniel when we were little. He’d be the dad, and
I’d be the mom. Could be that he was just the only person my age
who would play with me–we didn’t have many other friends. Could be
that I had already picked up on how everyone around us expected us
to mate.
That one time, when I watched Daniel fight,
that was the one time I truly looked at him and admired him. It was
sexy and it turned me on and what happened after felt like what I
had always imagined. That we were both powerful and together we
would rule.
After he ran away, all that was lost. Enter
Remy. Remy seemed like everything I could want in a mate. He was
intelligent, strong, and grounded. And hot. If it had just been
that, I might have gone along with Mom and Aunt Jenny’s plan for me
to mate with him.
There’s just the little matter of him also
being my cousin. Second cousin, still my cousin. And it didn’t feel
equal. He was older, and knew so more about being wolf.
If there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s being
made to feel weak or stupid.
Jeff is a chance at something new. Maybe I’m
just transferring my feelings for Alex Lo onto him. He is
unconscious, after all. At the moment I can only consider my desire
for Jeff to be a crush. Which makes my tantrum feel even more like
a tantrum.