Drifting into Darkness (4 page)

When the realtor told them about the house and the garage with the small apartment above that they could possibly rent out, my mom was sold. As their only child, the thought of me not being at home wasn’t appealing to her, but she decided that I could live above the garage since I was older and needed privacy too. And although I wasn’t living in the same house, I was only twenty feet away.

I unlocked the door and stepped in to my retreat, tossing my keys and purse on the small table next to the door. The apartment was as big as a detached two-car garage, which wasn’t that big, but I didn’t need that much space.

When you first walked in, the kitchen was to your left and the living room was to your right. The kitchen didn’t have upgrades like the main house because of the small space, but if I stuck to using paper plates instead of the dish plates I bought, I didn’t miss not having a dishwasher. In the kitchen on the far wall, were two doors. The one on the left, in the kitchen, led to the bathroom, while the one on the right, in the living room, led to the bedroom. I released out a sigh as the cool air hit me and walked to the kitchen to get a cold bottle of water from the fridge, needing to replace the fluids that leaked out of my body in my hot-ass car.

I opened the bottle of water and chugged half of it as I walked into my small living room; I then plopped down on my couch. Leaning my head back, I looked around at my new home. We’d only been here for over a week, so I was still trying to get used to having my own place. It wasn’t anything to get excited over, but it was my space to do with as I wanted. My dad gave me a thousand dollars to furnish it, which wasn’t too bad, since I already had my bedroom set. I just needed furniture for the living room, a TV, and some dishes for the kitchen. Although, I didn’t even have to get dishes since I ate in the main house, but I’d rather have my own just in case.

After running to a local furniture store and a stop at Wal-Mart, the space was starting to look good. I just needed a few things to hang on the walls and then I’d be done.

Sitting up, I leaned over and grabbed my laptop off the coffee table where I had left it the previous night. I’d been putting off opening it. I needed to clean out all the pictures of Jason and me that I had saved for a couple of years. I just didn’t know what to do with them. We had been together for so long. He held so many memories in my heart. I didn’t want to just throw that all away. But then again, why would I keep them? I had been having this battle in my mind for weeks. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve opened the damn thing, but I knew I needed to get it over with.

I opened up the laptop and waited for it to boot up. It took a few moments before the start up icon vanished, and then the first thing that popped up was the background screen. It was a picture of me giving Jason a kiss while he was driving. Images of that day flowed easily through my mind. I was trying to talk to him about school that day, but he was playfully ignoring me. In order to get his attention, I decided to give him a kiss and capture his reaction. The smile he had on his face was so….nope, I couldn’t go there.

With the computer fully booted, I decided playing on the Internet was more appealing than deciding on whether or not to save or trash pictures.

Pulling up the Internet, I immediately clicked the Facebook tab saved in my favorites. Most of the time when I logged on, well, every time I logged on, I always checked my Facebook first. I was actually amazed that I have stayed off it for three weeks. The clarity you got from not having all the bullshit in your life was astounding, but I was missing my bullshit so it was time to join this decade again. It was time to get back to my stalkerish ways and see what all my old friends were doing.

I had a ton of notifications and a few messages, but I didn’t feel like opening any of them. I just wanted to scroll through the newsfeed and see what everyone was up to. And of course there were tons of posts from Erin. The girl posted her every move.

After scrolling further down, I saw his name. I looked at the date. It was posted three days earlier. I swallowed the knot that was forming in my throat and tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach; it was like someone had just punched me. No. Not punched, but gutted me.

I clicked on Jason’s name to look at his profile to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. Nope. It was there for all to see. He was in a new relationship…a new freaking relationship. What happened to the freedom he wanted? What happened to figuring out what he wanted in life?

I stared at the screen for a long time before I finally bowed my head, making my tears fall from my eyes. Pain seeped back into my heart along with visions of what my life could have been. All by seeing this picture.

Realization of what he was trying to tell me finally clicked in my head. It wasn’t that he wanted his freedom. He just didn’t want
me
anymore. As the wound reopened, I couldn’t help but ask myself, why wasn’t I good enough? What made him not want me anymore? I was only plunging the dagger in my heart deeper. All those times he told me he loved me and he couldn’t live without me, those words meant nothing. They were just words and lies. Six years…wasted.

No, not wasted. It was a six-year life lesson.

Fuck men.

I wiped the tears from my face and closed the laptop. I tossed it to the side of me on the couch and got up. Walking to the table by the front door to retrieve my phone from my purse, I vowed not to let any more tears fall. I searched for Erin’s number and pressed call. I knew she had to know about this and didn’t tell me.

“Hello,” she answered in a singsong voice after the second ring. “I was wondering when you’d call me today. How did registration go? I hated not having you with me Monday. It sucked balls,” she laughed.

“Did you know about Jason and Claire?” I blurted in an aggravated tone as I paced the room. There was no reason to sugarcoat it. I was pissed. The hurt was now morphing horns. I felt like a bull ready to charge at something as the emotions built in the pit of my stomach and waited.

She let out a sigh. “I’m so sorry, Sadie. I would have told you, but I knew how hurt you’d be.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as my pacing continued. “How…long?” I mumbled.

Some part of me knew the answer. I didn’t want to know, but I needed to know. Claire had always had eyes for Jason. We all hung out in the same group. She was the girl that hopped from guy to guy, but I always saw her looking; though she never knew I saw her. And of course, I was secure in my relationship, so the thoughts flowing through my head would never have been on my mind back then.

“Sadie, don’t do this to yourself. He’s not wor—”

“Tell me, Erin!” I yelled, cutting her off, no longer able to contain my emotions.

“Six months.”

I stopped pacing and stared at the floor. My heart was pounding in my chest and my stomach rolled. “Wh-what?”

“Please don’t do this, Sadie. He’s not worth it,” she pleaded.

I felt like I was going to be sick. Six months. All that time, I thought it was me. The distance I felt between us, the nights he didn’t touch or cuddle when we were together. All those nights when he had other plans. It all came crashing down on me in realization; it wasn’t stress he was going through; he was just fucking someone else.

I started pacing again. “How long have you known, Erin?” I asked exasperated, holding in the tears I vowed I wouldn’t let release.

“Sadie…”

“How long, Erin?” I asked again, cutting her off.

She sighed in defeat. “I found out a couple of months after. Someone let it slip that they saw them together one night. I was going to tell you, but I wanted to confront him myself first. I didn’t want to cause you any pain unless I knew it was the truth,” she explained.

A tear escaped and trailed down my cheek. My heart was breaking even more finding out Jason was cheating on me. Erin had been my best friend for…since I could remember. How could she keep something like this from me? “Then why didn’t you tell me? Didn’t you think I had the right to know? Did you honestly think I wouldn’t find out about it? He’s flaunting it all over Facebook, Erin. How many of the others knew? Was I just that oblivious to what was going on right in front of my face?”

“Sadie, listen to me,” she said with an edge to her voice. “I told you, I didn’t tell you because I wanted to find out what was going on before I told you. And I didn’t know for sure until after you had already gone your separate ways. There was no need to add fuel to the fire. You were already hurting. Why would I cause you more pain? I know this is hard for you and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but it’s time to move on and let go.”

I leaned forward and rested an elbow on my knee to hold my head. Closing my eyes, I let everything sink in that she had just said. I knew she was just trying to be a good friend, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. She should have gone about it in a different way. I wouldn’t have spent those months wondering what I was doing wrong.

Sitting back up, I took a deep breath and wiped away the last tears that would be shed over Jason. “Okay, well, I’ve got to go,” I said quickly.

“Sadie…”

“Bye, I’ll talk to you soon.”

I pressed end before she was able to respond. I know it was rude of me, but I didn’t have the energy to care. I was no longer in the mood to talk. I needed to figure out what the hell I was going to do with my life. I needed direction. I needed to focus on myself for a change. Screw men and their asshole ways, first my dad and now Jason. What gave them the right? Did they think we were without feelings? Did they think we could just brush that shit off and move on? I didn’t know how my mom had been able to do it. She’d been so calm. They hadn’t even slept separately since she found out. I wouldn’t be able to do that. She was stronger than I’d ever be in this situation.

I was no longer hurting; now, I was pissed. Pissed that I didn’t realize what was happening right in front of my face. Pissed that I was still pissed about it. Pissed that I’d shed more tears for him. He was lucky I didn’t find out when we were still together. I’d slap and punch him in the face. Maybe kick him in the balls. Scratch up his precious car and tear up all his collector baseball cards he’d been collecting since he was little.

Erin was right. He wasn’t worth it. Men weren’t worth it. I was so done.

I was staring at the floor lost in thought as I heard my phone ping with a text message. I knew it had to be Erin texting me about hanging up on her. I walked back to the couch and picked up my phone. It wasn’t Erin. It was from Lisa. She was texting me directions to the Johnson Farm and asked if I could be there around ten thirty.

I replied back to her.

Sadie: Yes, I’ll be there.

Lisa: Yay! See you tomorrow.

I needed to look up directions on how to get there, but I’d do that later. I needed to go down and see Mom before she started blowing up my phone.

Tossing my phone on the couch, I headed out of the house. I stood outside my door for a moment and closed my eyes. The early afternoon cool air was settling in. I took a deep breath, smelling Mother Nature and all she had to offer; fresh cut grass, flowers blooming, and honeysuckle. I opened my eyes and looked around at my new home. This was a new beginning for me, a clean slate. The past would only drag me down, so I needed to keep putting one foot in front of the other. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more pouting and wondering what I did wrong. There was so much out there for me to experience.

Starting down the stairs a small smile crept up on my face. I felt better already.

Walking through the door to the main house, I was blasted with the aroma of Mom’s cooking. She loved to cook and often said it was her escape from reality. She loved getting lost in it, mixing different ingredients or baking something from scratch. If only I had the same skill.

I walked into the kitchen to see my mom rolling out dough on the counter. She was shorter than me with a petite frame, so seeing her tackle a big mound of dough with the huge rolling pin looked funny.

“Hey, Mom.” I walked up to the other side of the island and took a seat on a stool, setting my water bottle in front of me.

She stopped rolling and looked at me with a smile. “Hey, it’s about time you came in. How did registration go?”

I smiled back at her and looked her over. She had flour everywhere. It was a good thing she had an apron on. “Do you need a little dough to go with all that flour?” She’d managed to get it all over herself except in her light brown hair.

“Oh, hush,” she laughed, “it’s not that bad. So tell me. How’d it go?”

“It was fine. I registered for general courses like I told you I would. I don’t know what I want to do yet and I don’t want to pick a major and end up not liking it only to have to start all over again with a different course,” I stated, not giving her a chance to make a comment since she was one of the reasons I wasn’t majoring in art. “I did meet someone though,” I added, changing the subject.

“Oh, yeah?” She finished rolling out the dough and was now jamming a metal circle around the dough to make biscuits.

“Yeah, her name’s Lisa. She told me about a job I’m going to check out tomorrow.”

“Where?”

I paused a moment before answering, “On a farm.”

She looked at me with a raised eyebrow. “A farm? Did you tell her hard labor is
not
in your vocabulary,” she said sarcastically and laughed.

I rolled my eyes with a smile. “Whatevs, Mom. Just because I don’t do much around the house doesn’t mean I can’t work hard.”

“Yeah, we’ll see. Where is this farm located?”

I shrugged. “She just texted me the address. It’s in Caldwell, but I don’t know where that is. I’m guessing it’s not that far away.”

“Well, I haven’t done that much exploring since we moved here,” she said, placing the biscuits on a baking sheet, “but I don’t think it’s that far.”

“I’ll look it up on the internet later,” I said as I picked at the label on my water bottle. Just thinking about getting back on my computer caused Jason to enter my mind. As much as I didn’t want to think about him, I knew it would be inevitable. I couldn’t just erase him from my mind within an hour. I wasn’t sure how my mom did it day after day with my dad.