Drowning in the East River (19 page)

David stopped, staring at her in silence. Her hair was tucked into a frazzled bun. The flour streaked over her cheeks, she had been fighting with dinner, and was probably loosing the battle.

She turned around. Her eyes were harsh and puffy as they bore into him, waiting for an answer to a question he didn't know. Her cheeks were a startling shade of pale.

"What's wrong, Jessica?" David asked, walking into the kitchen. He exhaled sharply, forcing a soothing tone into his voice. He held out an arm, moving to wrap his arm around her.

"Do not fucking come near me," Jessica said, taking a step away from him. Her hands flew up in front of her, creating a barrier between them.

It had been years since he had seen her so angry."What the hell is wrong?" David asked, his voice scoffed at the suddenness of her outburst. His mind cycled through the last twenty-four hours, trying to remember of what he might have done to set her off. He paused, forcing his voice down an octave, trying to bring an element of calm to the situation. "Talk to me, Jess. Please. I can't fix things if I don't know what is wrong."

"Whores, David?" Jessica asked. She took off her apron, throwing it on the floor as she stormed into the sitting room. She spun around to face him, her cheeks streaked with angry tears. She spat out the words as she continued. "Is this really how little you respect me?"

"What?" David asked, honestly taken aback by the question.

"Is that all you can say?" Jessica asked. Her hands were shaking noticeably as she stared him down. Her Irish accent flared with her building anger. "Anna told me about that girl you go see on the Upper East Side. Am I not enough for you?"

David took a quick step in her direction, "Jess, please sit down." He reached out for her arm.

She slapped David’s arm back, taking a step away from him. Her voice quivered with forced restraint. "I'll sit down when I damn well feel like it. I think I know my own body and what I can handle."

"What did she tell you?" David asked, taking a gentle step back, giving her space.

"So you're admitting it?"

"Jessica, please don't get too excited," David said, deliberately keeping his voice quiet to diffuse her anger. "The baby..."

"Can you even comprehend how much I've given up for you?" Jessica stopped, and looked down at her stomach, "Because of this? Do you have any fucking clue?" Her voice hitched, as she did her best to choke back her frustration. She ran her fingers through her hair, flour sticking in her dark hair. "My writing, my politics... all of that down the fucking drain so I can be a goddamn housewife?”

David sat down on the sofa heavily. He was aware of how much she had given up for him. Every day since they were married, he struggled with the feeling that he wasn't good enough for her. She could have easily done so much better than living in a Murray Hill tenement with him. "I'm sorry Jess..."

They lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. David spoke softly as a pang of guilt jolted him in the stomach as she looked up at him. “Jess, there was a girl, but it is the honest truth that I haven't seen her in at least six months." He reached out for her hand and looked up at her.

"Six months?" Jessica asked, running a flour streaked hand through her hair. She looked up at the ceiling, as she fought to keep her emotions in check. "Six fucking months?"

David jumped in, he spoke quickly,"It's no excuse, but I've known her a long time, since I was still in school. My priorities were fucked up, but I've straightened everything up. I ended things."

"So, you've seen her since we've known about the baby..." Jessica said, her voice starting to trail off. She turned away from him, her eyes were wide in disbelief. She placed a steadying hand on her stomach, forcing out a sharp exhale. Her voice trembled as she continued. “Are you seriously telling me this, David?"

"When we found out," David replied, squeezing his eyes shut. "She helped me work through some of my feelings. I've known her for a long time. She's an old friend."

"You fuck all your old friends?"

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way," David said. "She means absolutely nothing to me. I swear."

Jessica spun around, wiping the collecting tears out of her eyes. She swallowed, reining in her composure. "Get the hell out, David."

"Excuse me?" David asked.

"Get the hell out," Jessica said. Her voice was even, looking her in the eyes, she wasn't speaking out of emotion. She grabbed a tissue from the pocket of her apron."I can't look at you right now."

"What do you..." David stammered.

"Get out. Go find somewhere else to sleep tonight. I need some space to figure things out.”

"I love you, baby." David said. He took a timid step towards where she was standing in the living room.

"I'm not going to have this baby tonight. I really need to not see you right now. Get the fuck out," Jessica said, once again pulling back from him. She abruptly turned and stormed into the bedroom, pulling the door sharply behind her.

"Fuck!" David said. He grabbed his jacket off the chair and rushed from the room. As he stepped into the hallway, he slammed the door loudly behind him. He stood in the dingy hallway, which was weighted down by shadows from a burned out bulb over his head. Every muscle in his body twitched from the adrenaline pulsing through his body. He rammed his fist into the wall.

"Shit!" He said, breathless as he pulled his hand back from the hole in the wall. His knuckles were bleeding.

"You've never been through this," David shot back, his nerves starting to fray. He pushed an unruly bang back from his eyes, as an unruly bang slipped down into his eyes. He squeezed his eyes closed. A pounding headache throbbed just behind his eye. "You have no idea how hard this is."

"I do..."

"I lo-," David snapped back. He stopped, and shifted his eyes towards the bar in front of him, taking a long drag from his cigarette. He refocused his attention, balancing the cigarette on the edge of the ash tray as he turned back to look at Alexander. "I loved her, you know. How am I just supposed to get over that?"

"You just-"

"It hasn't just gotten better like everyone seems to think it will."

Alexander was seething. With a grunt, he took a shot of the drink in front of him. He stood up, and looked down at David. He spit out the words which flew into his mind, "You can't keep doing this to yourself. Figure shit out." With that, he slammed the drink down on the table and moved in the direction of the door, leaving David sitting alone at the bar.

Resting his head in his hands, David could hear the chugging of a motor just outside of the bar. He could hear the muffled shouts of delivery men making their rounds.

"You had one of your nightmares again last night," Jessica said as she looped her hand through the crook of his arm. She looked over at David as they stepped up into the streetcar which had rumbled to a stop in front of them. She looked over at him, concern hanging in her eyes. "It sounded like a really bad one."

"I guess. I never really remember them." David replied. He shifted his eyes down the car, searching for a seat near the back for them. He dropped his voice to a whisper in the crowded car. “C’mon, sweetie. Right back here."

He led her towards the back of the streetcar and waited as she slid into the open seat. Most of the benches were filled with people mulling around the course of their daily lives.

"You know you can talk to me about everything right," Jessica said as she adjusted herself on the hard bench. She draped her hand on her stomach, breathing heavily. "You honestly don't have to worry about protecting me. I want to help. We'll get through this together."

Glancing in Jessica’s direction, David could see that she knew he was avoiding the subject.

He'd never told Jessica that the nightmares were always the same. Usually he was in the hospital, his body searing in pain. It was always the most terrifying just before he woke up, bathed in a cold sweat.

"Are you all right?" David asked sitting down next to her on the bench, changing the subject.

"I'm fine," Jessica replied. She let out a small sigh as she let her head slip onto his shoulder. Her face had turned pale; she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, exhaling deeply as she collected herself. "I'm just a little tired with- you know, considering everything."

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, her eyes registering a striking moment of clarity in her tired haze. "How do you feel... with everything?"

David thought for a moment, "I suppose I shouldn't be saying this, but I'm scared to death."

"That's actually really good to hear," Jessica said, cracking a small smile. She shuffled, pressing her body into his. She looked up at him and chuckled. "I was starting to think I was the only one."

"You aren't," David said, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes. He smiled, and shifted his glance down to the floor of the street car. He continued slowly, trying to force back the emotional frog he could feel building in his throat. "You know, I'm worried I'm not going to be good at it."

"You're going to be a great Father," Jessica replied, bracing her hand on his giggling knees. Even though she was on edge, Jessica had the uncanny ability to calm him down. She smiled up at him, as she ran her free fingers down the length of his scruffy jawline. Her voice was low, just above a whisper as she continued. "Truthfully, David. You're going to do fine."

"I get nervous," David said, forcing out a chuckle to defuse the tension knotting his stomach.

"So do I," she said. She laid her head on his shoulder, gently fanning herself with her hand. She paused as a wave of emotion briefly overwhelmed her voice. "I like to think that as long as the two of us stick together, we'll get through this." She squeezed her eyes closed, quickly collecting herself.

"Well, what makes you nervous about- it?" David asked. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as she curled her body into the crook of his.

"The same things as you I’d expect," Jessica replied, chuckling softly. She glanced out the window as they passed a group of suffragettes protesting on the corner of 23rd Street. David watched her eyes follow the women. She missed being with them. Turning back to face him, she smiled. "If I've learned one thing growing up, I really am the furthest thing from maternal. I'm not sure a screaming infant is really in my skill set."

David looked down at her. He rested his hand on her stomach. He could feel the baby kicking under the skin. Leaning back in the seat, he pulled his cap off his head, fanning himself slowly. "It's strange."

"What's that?" Jessica asked, relocating his hand to her knee. He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. She jumped in after a moment of silence, a small smile spreading across her lips. "Tell me."

"I'm not used to you being the insecure one," David said, opening his eyes once again. Jessica had always been the strong one. She was the rock there to cradle his insecurities. "Usually you're telling me that I’m the one being silly and irrational."

"We'll get through this together," Jessica said, wrapping her arm around him and resting her head on his shoulder. After a moment, she spoke again. "I worry about you, David."

"Why?" David asked, looking over at her.