DUBIOUS (9 page)

We entered the kennel and he immediately took charge. He turned on the light switches, turned up the heat, then went toward his old office. I scribbled a disclaimer on a blank piece of paper that I found on the front desk.

He returned about a minute later with a worried look on his face.

I looked up from the disclaimer agreement. “Is there something wrong?”

“
The door to my office is locked. Where is the key?” His brown skin had turned pale as if he’d come down with the flu.

“
We’re not here for that. Or did you forget?” I followed his gaze; he was focused on my key ring. I grabbed my keys from the counter and shoved them in my pocket.

“
I … Just let me get something out of my office. It’ll only take —”

“
It’s
my
office, Randy.” I threw my hands up. “I knew it was a mistake letting you in here. Nothing is leaving this building until the divorce is over and I have the chance to go through it. Now you can accept that or leave. I’ll take care of this myself.”

He sighed as if he was stuck between a rock and a hard place and unsure of what decision to make.

“
Well?” I said with much attitude.

“
I’m not about to fight with you, Felicia.”

“
Good because I’m really not in the mood.” I handed him the disclaimer agreement and a pen, but I couldn’t help but wonder what in his office was so important.

After he signed the disclaimer, he was really ready to check on the dogs that were due to deliver.

“
Can you put on a pot of coffee while I go and check on things?” he said, leaving the room.

I fixed the coffee, making it strong because I had the feeling we would both need it.

I hated to admit that I admired his dedication to the animals. Another side of me, however, was pissed that he didn’t show that same amount of dedication to me. I felt petty comparing myself to his precious dogs, but I couldn’t change the way I felt.

Two dogs were due, and he alternated his time between the two stalls. He was very patient and loving with both of them; it was obvious, even to a novice like me, they were experiencing pain. He spewed words of love and encouragement that I’d long since stopped receiving from him. It was a bitter pill to swallow, a terrible blow to my ego to be treated worse than a canine. I didn’t have a poker face, my emotions were clearly displayed.

“
Felicia, I know you are trying to personalize this, but it’s not about you. Can you just believe in me for a change and help me?”

What the hell did he mean by that? I always believed in him. He just didn’t believe in me.
“I’ll help you, but I don’t have a clue of what to do. After all, I have a bigger stake in this than you do.” I could not help throwing in that little dig.

“
Trust me, I only have the dam’s best interest in mind.”

“
What the fuck is a dams?”

“
A female parent of an animal, Felicia. Work with me,” his tone was condescending.

I wanted to punch the fuck out of him just for being there even though I needed him. I’d never seen him display so much compassion for anything, including me, and that hurt me to my heart. Why didn’t he want me with that same passion?

Never have I felt so inadequate. Randy knew his stuff, and I would be hard-pressed to find anyone more caring than him. But I refused to consider allowing him to continue working with the dogs. Eventually, he would have stood in my way of selling the animals to recoup my investment, and that would ruin the tummy tuck and ass lift I was contemplating. I left the room to allow him to do what he did best, ignore me.

While yawning, I wonder how much longer this was going to take. It was already past two in the morning and my lack of sleep was going to be evident by the bags I felt growing under my red eyes. To keep myself awake, I kept going back and forth between the two rooms checking to see if there was anything I could do; but, in actuality, I was as useful as tits on a bull. Randy had lined both stalls with towels and blankets and each dog burrowed itself inside them, sort of like a small cocoon.

“
What are you doing?” I asked.

“
The dogs use the blankets for their nest. Well, it’s actually called whelping if you want the technical term.”

“
Oh … So what happens next?” I was impressed with the bare rudiments of it all.

“
We wait. The dogs tell you when their ready. They get real still and focused. We’re just here to assist the dams should they need us and to cut the cords.”

“
Cords? What is that?” As soon as the question had left my lips, I felt so stupid.

“
Umbilical cord. They have them just like humans do.”

“
Oh.” I was going to have to step up my game if I was going to run this business.

“
Actually the birthing process is quite interesting. Normally a big bubble appears before the birth, which sometimes bursts. If we’re lucky, the pups come shortly after that,” he spoke with the confidence of an expert. “Sometimes they get stuck or try to come out wrong, that’s when it gets tricky.”

“
If you think I’m putting my hands in some nasty shit, you’ve got another thing coming.”

“
That’s why I came ’cause I knew it would gross you out.”

“
Whatever. How much longer is it going to be?”

“
That’s up to the dams.”

“
Did you plan on having two dogs giving birth on the same day?”

“
Yeah, we wanted them to be close together so we could schedule our time better. With these things, though, you can’t ever tell with any degree of certainty when they will give birth.”

CHAPTER 8

I stretched out on the sofa for what I thought would be a power nap, but it soon turned into blissful slumber. I was awakened by the annoying automated voice of my cell phone:

“
Pick up the phone. Pick up the damn phone,
” it said.

I used to like that ring tone but it was getting on my last nerve. Not because I didn’t want to answer, I just didn’t know where the hell it was at first.

“
Pick up the phone. Pick up the damn phone
.”

“
Hello,” I mumble into the phone, trying to clear the cobwebs from my head.

“
Hello my ass. Where the fuck are you, heifer?”

“
Kenya?”

“
Yeah, and I repeat my question: Where the fuck are you?”

“
I’m at the kennel. What time is it?” I said, checking my watch: 7:47
am
.

“
It’s time for your ass to be getting your hair done. I know you didn’t make me wake up early to come ova your house to do your hair and you’re motherfucking ass ain’t here. Please tell me I am having a fucking bad dream ’cause I’m about to lose my mind up in here.”

“
Oh damn! Shit, girl, I’m so sorry.” I sat up. “I came to the kennel last night because two of the dogs were due to have puppies. It wasn’t a plan; Randy met me here. I didn’t realize it would take this long, and I guess I fell asleep. I just didn’t feel comfortable leaving him here alone.”

“
Well both y’all asses are going to be late for court if you don’t move your ass right now.”

“
Girl, I had a revelation last night, he doesn’t give a shit about our marriage—this kennel is his passion. If those dogs didn’t deliver last night, he may not even make it to court. I didn’t realize just how hooked he is.”

“
I bet that fucked with your ego.”

“
That’s a motherfucking understatement. I was battling with this all last night; and, to be honest, I am shocked that I was able to sleep at all.”

“
So what do you want to do about your hair because if you don’t need me, I’m taking my tired ass home?”

“
Girl, he saw my hair and didn’t say a mumbling word, so it makes no sense doing anything to it now. I fell asleep on the couch and now my back is killing me. I’m going to check on the dogs and get dressed for court here. I am not trying to piss off a judge by wearing jeans. Go on home and I’ll holla later.”

“
You sure?”

“
Yeah, but thanks, boo.”

“
Okay, Ms. Thang, I’ll talk to you later. Good luck.”

“
Kenya, I really appreciate you from the bottom of my heart. I did not intend for my evening to go like this but after court, baby, it’s going to be on. Do you want to hang with me? I am on a mission for a meeting and a fucking.”

“
Girl, you are too much. I’ll go with you but you know my heart is taken, and I ain’t doing shit to mess that up.”

“
I haven’t asked you to do anything but go with me. I don’t need your help in selecting who I’m gonna fuck. I just want you to see him so if I turn up missing, you’ll know who to tell the authorities to go after.”

“
I can do that. If your ass turns up missing, I’ll sing like a canary. Now go get some coffee before you start showing your ass.”

“
Alright, sis. Thanks again for everything.” I disconnect the call and eased myself out of the knot I had twisted myself into. I checked both stalls and was pleased to see that both dams had whelped. Randy was in the outer office asleep across two of the chairs. The muscles around my heart constricted as I watched him sleep.

“
Damn.”
Why does this motherfucker have to be so fine? I wish I could just hate him and blow him off like the rest of the men I used to date. Why do I have to still love him? Why couldn’t he love me back?
In the old days, I would have slid onto his lap and fucked the daylights out of him. I would have taken his dick deep into my mouth, savoring the smell of him. Now, all I could do was kick his feet to awaken him. “Randy,” I said, kicking his foot harder this time.

“
Huh?” He opened his eyes.

I was taken aback again by his beauty. There should have been a law against looking so fucking good. Some folks would say he had cat eyes. Ironically, the cat in me was ready to chase the dog. I averted my eyes because my thoughts were spiraling out of control, into a dangerous sex zone. I wondered what he would’ve done if he had awakened and was naked. Would he have risen to the occasion or would he have looked straight through me? “Are we done here?”

“
Uh … yeah. You were out cold so I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“
How thoughtful of you.” I wanted to be mean but it was hard.

“
Let me just take one last look at the dogs and we can leave.”

“
Okay, but hurry up because we need to be in court in a few hours.”

“
Did you see the pups?”

“
Yeah, I didn’t realize it would be so many of them.”

“
I keep forgetting you are new to this. It got pretty crazy because one of the pups got stuck, and I had to pull it out. I could have used your help.”

“
Then why didn’t you wake me up. You were acting like Superman and like you had it all under control and shit. How was I to know that I could have served a purpose?”

“
You already told me you were not sticking your hands in no ‘nasty shit’, so why bother? You’re going to have to beef up your staff before the next pups are born. One person is not enough when you have multiple births going on.”

“
When’s that supposed to happen?”

“
Next month,” he said.

“
I should have things situated by then.”

“
Can I apply for the job?”

“
I don’t think so.”

“
Why not?”

“
Because …I don’t what that kind of contact with you.” The words slipped out before I could stop them. I had never intended for him to know how much I still loved him. If he were still involved in the business, I would have to deal with him. I couldn’t do that to myself.

“
Felicia, why can’t we just get passed this and be friends?”

“
Friends? Did you just say friends? Motherfucker please! I gave you thirteen years of my life, which I will never get back. I stood behind you, financed every single whim you had, and you turned your back on me. Fuck you and that white horse you’re trying to ride.” I spun around and stormed to the door. I could not believe the nerve of him. I was almost out the door before I realized that he needed to be going out the same door so I could lock it up behind us.

While tapping my feet in impatience, I simmered, trying to get a hold of my feelings. This shit was so wrong and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how I had gotten here. Things should not have been so complicated in my life. I was an attorney for Christs’ sake. I had money, an education, a career … and no fucking man. I waited for an additional fifteen minutes before he was ready to leave. He refused to make eye contact, which was fine by me since his gaze soaked my panties.

***

I drove to the courthouse on autopilot because the pain I was feeling did not let me do anything else. Never in my life had I failed at anything and this time, I failed big. This was a bitter pill to swallow, especially when I had given Randy my all. I reminisce about all his whims that I had financed. That fool changed his mind like some folks changed their underwear; yet I continued to provide for him. My mother had taught me that. She told me that our men deserved this kind of devotion because of all the bullshit they reaped from the white man, so I paid my penance through Randy. But from this moment on, however, I wasn’t giving up shit. If folks didn’t conform to my standards, fuck them. I wasn’t bowing down anymore. My days of sucking dick—unless I wanted to—we’re over.