Authors: Ian Todd
“Right, well, take yer time. We’re no gaun anywhere soon,” Tony said encouragingly, lifting up a completed bandolier tae hiv a wee look at it wae aw this talk ae quality control.
“Right, it isnae perfect, bit here’s where Ah’m at. Noo, ye’ll need tae picture this in yer heids…”
“Fur fuck’s sake, Johnboy, kin ye bloody well get tae the point, fur Christ’s sake,” Snappy howled, exaggerating his exasperation as per usual, and no being able tae stoap himsel fae winding Johnboy up.
“Right, Ah’ll start again seeing as Ah wis so rudely interrupted by a fucking bampot,” Johnboy spat at Tony, Silent and Stu, before starting efter whit he thought wis a respectful pause. “Right, here goes, so listen up…especially you, Snappy. Dockland Sammy comes through that door up there fae the paint shoap wae his bin trolley, picking up bags ae rubbish, every morning and efternoon, usually jist before the break-times…although, no always,” he reminded them. “Noo, when he comes in, he usually farts aboot, talking tae the boys up oan the back row, until his escort tells him tae get a move oan. Wance he picks up oor shoap’s bags fae beside the paint shoap door oan this side, the escort then follows him alang the tap ae the shoap tae the door leading through tae the joinery shoap tae collect their bags. It means Sammy his tae cut across the front ae the table where the beasts ur, carrying oan straight past the toilets and the tap end ae Stafford’s table, before heiding through the other door tae where Pat’s working,” Johnboy said, looking tae see if they wur aw wae him.
“And?” Tony asked, following Silent, Stu’s and Snappy’s gaze up tae the tap end ae the workshoap.
“So, if we kin time it so that a squad ae us take oor completed bandoliers up tae Stafford’s table at the same time as Sammy is hauf way between the paint shoap and the joiners’ shoap doors, then there’s a good chance we kin blag that ammo clip and pass it oan tae Sammy tae then pass it oan tae Pat tae dispose ae, next door in the joinery shoap,” Johnboy said, looking at them.
Silence.
“Look, Ah’m no expecting applause fae him,” Johnboy said, nodding towards Snappy, “…bit whit dae youse three think?”
“There ur two things tae consider. The first wan is getting oor hauns oan the clip and the second, is getting it tae Sammy withoot us being clocked by Dickheid Dick and The Tormentor up at the back,” Tony said, chewing oan his bottom lip, while scanning the area in question. “Ye’re talking aboot a twenty-odd feet gap between where Stafford usually stauns and where Dockland Sammy walks across the tap ae the shoap in front ae the beasts’ table, so ye ur.”
“And the third problem is, wance that clip is oot ae Stafford’s haun, he’ll soon notice it’s gone. We’re only talking seconds, if that. This place will erupt and the first wan tae be turned o’er will be Dockland Sammy,” Snappy said doubtfully, as Tony and Silent’s grins widened.
“He awready knows how we kin dae it,” Stu interrupted.
“Is that right, Johnboy? Hiv ye worked oot how we’re gonnae dae it?” Snappy asked, bursting oot laughing, as Johnboy gied them a wee knowing smile and nodded.
“Aye, Ah think so. Ah’ve been watching whit’s gaun oan. Ye’re aw allowed tae ask me questions or come up wae ideas ae yer ain, noo that Ah’ve explained the basics, bit here’s ma thinking. Sammy comes in as usual, fucks aboot, as per usual, bit we make sure he piles the rubbish bags up oan tap ae his trolley higher than usual, tae gie as much cover as possible between us and Dickheid Dick and The Tormentor. As he moves across the back ae the shoap, we make sure enough ae us heid up tae Stafford’s table at the same time wae completed bandoliers. Noo, this is the important bit. The only time Stafford seems tae lay doon the clip, is when he’s tugging fuck oot ae a bandolier he isnae happy wae. If ye watch him, ye’ll see whit Ah mean. Ye’ll notice that he puts two fingers fae each haun intae a clip pocket before gieing it a hard tug tae try and stretch it a wee bit before trying tae push in the clip a second time. If it fits, he accepts the bandolier and if it disnae, he hauns it back. It’s when he dis that, that wan ae us will be able tae blag the clip.”
“Bit, as ye said yersel, that move ae his only lasts a matter ae seconds. Who the hell wants tae be staunin there wae the clip up his sleeve wance he notices it’s missing?” Stu asked, tae nods fae the others.
“If there’s a squad ae us up there at the same time, wae a pile ae bandoliers sitting oan the table in front ae us, he won’t panic tae start wae and will assume the clip is under wan ae the piles.”
“Aye, bit surely he’ll still find the fucking thing then, won’t he?” Snappy asked, getting a nod ae agreement fae Stu.
“As soon as that clip is placed doon oan the table, wan ae us will grab it and slide it up the table towards Sammy who’ll be waiting tae catch it jist before disappearing through tae the joinery shoap next door.”
“Hmm, Ah’m no sure,” Snappy said, as everywan looked across at Stafford’s table.
“Look how shiny and slippery that surface is? Fuck, Ah kin practically see the reflection ae the roof girders oan it fae here,” Johnboy challenged them.
“It’ll mean wan ae us hivving tae reach across and pick up the clip right in front ae him. He’ll be staunin straight opposite oan the other side ae the table facing us. Whoever picks it up wid hiv tae be pretty quick,” Tony murmured.
“He’ll be too distracted wae everywan dumping their bandoliers doon at the same time,” Johnboy purred persuasively, looking at the faces aroond aboot him.
“Whoever we hiv up at the table will need tae hiv their bandoliers held tightly against themsels when that bullet clip gets skited alang the table tae the far end. It’ll mean everywan lifting up their bundles ae bandoliers like a Mexican wave, tae gie the clip a free run, making sure they drap the bandoliers back doon oan tae the table as it shoots past. If we kin get the timing bang oan, withoot hivving a practice run, then Stafford won’t hiv a clue where the fuck the thing’s gone. Johnboy’s right…he’ll assume that it’ll be sitting under wan ae the pile ae bandoliers, so he will, the daft twat,” Tony agreed, nodding, as the others cackled.
“By the time he discovers that it’s gone walkies, Dockland Sammy will be next door in the joiners’ shoap.
“There will still be a big stooshie wance he cannae find it. They’ll turn this place, and us, upside doon, including the paint shoap and the joiners’ shoap next door,” Snappy reminded them, looking towards the two doors up at the back ae the shoap.
“Aye, well, Ah’ve thought aboot that as well. We kin get Pat next door tae hollow oot a lump ae wood in advance ae Sammy arriving, tae stash the clip inside it. Aw he’ll need tae dae is glue or nail another bit a wood o’er the hole he’s made tae put the clip in. It’ll only take seconds tae dae if he’s aw prepared in advance. That’ll gie the basturts a run fur their money,” Johnboy said tae laughter, jist as Dickheid Dick and The Tormentor reappeared oot ae the office, smacking their lips, efter slurping doon buckets ae tea, shouting at everywan tae get back tae work efter the break.
“
Good evening. My name is John Turney and these are the news headlines in Scotland tonight.
A bank teller was taken to hospital, suffering from head wounds after being brutally clubbed during an armed robbery of The Clydeside Bank on the corner of Pollokshaws Road and Skirving Street in Shawlands today. It’s thought his injuries are not life threatening. A sum of money, believed to be in four figurers, was stolen. Three men were seen running from the branch just after nine thirty this morning before speeding off in a dark green van. Police are appealing for witnesses…
A union official has warned that council bosses will need to dig deeper if they wish striking gravediggers to pick up their shovels…
Ten employees of Cookson, the lemonade firm, were taken to hospital today as a precautionary measure after what is believed to have been an explosion of a sealed pressurised gas bottle at their bottling plant in Scotland Street, Kinning Park. A company spokesman said no one was hurt in the incident…
Another youth has died of fatal stab wounds after a fight between two rival gangs in King Street, Rutherglen, late last night. Residents in the area have been complaining for some time after youths from nearby Toryglen and Clincarthill have made the area a battleground over disputed territory…
A van containing over one hundred thousand cigarettes was hijacked in broad daylight early this afternoon whilst stationary at traffic lights at the junction between Bilsland Drive and Maryhill Road. The shaken driver was dragged from his cab, as one of the robbers drove off with his lorry. Maryhill Police believe that the lorry had been tailed for some distance by a blue Ford Capri before the incident and are asking for witnesses to come forward with any information. It’s believed the driver, although shocked by the incident, was unhurt…
A ten-year-old-schoolboy was run over and killed on London Road after running between two parked cars in to the path of a coal merchants lorry just after three o’clock this afternoon…”
Chapter Thirty Seven
Johnboy lay back oan his elbows and closed his eyes, willing the buzzing flies no tae land oan that face ae his. Apart fae the shouts and the thud ae the baw being kicked doon oan the fitba field reminding him ae where he wis, the sound ae Father Leonard blasting oot ‘Long As Ah Kin See The Light’ by Creedence, took him back tae the toon centre when he wis running aboot wae Silent, drumming up some business.
“Stupid basturt,” Tony murmured, lying beside him.
Johnboy wis worried aboot Silent, or mair tae the point, whit wis gonnae become ae Silent wance he goat his liberation at the end ae his sentence. Apart fae when they’d been in separate approved schools, Silent hid been at Johnboy’s side ever since Johnboy hid saved him fae getting that arse ae his perched oan by some forgotten-faced teacher back in The Grove when they wur aboot ten-years-auld. There hid been a time when Silent and Paul McBride hid been really close, bit efter Paul decided tae stay and live in Nowheresville, somewhere up in the Highlands, Silent hid stuck tae Johnboy like shite oan the neck ae a bottle. Although everywan saw The Mankys as being the wan team, they wur actually made up ae individuals and pairings. When the shit hit the fan, everywan wis involved, bit oan a day tae day basis, everywan went aboot their ain business. Johnboy smiled, thinking aboot the madness that a day in the toon centre, spent wae Silent, could be. When the pressure wis oan and Peter The Runner wis oan wan ae his mad moments, they’d hiv at least twenty different couples, sometimes wae weans in tow, needing encouragement tae enter the furniture stores wae their bogus rent books, tae order up aw sorts ae furniture.
“How the fuck dae ye manage wae Mr Happy Talk in the line ae business you’re in?” Snappy wid always ask in exaggerated wonder, when Johnboy and Silent wid be sitting in the lounge ae Jonah’s, sorting oot their lists ae who hid ordered whit and where that day. Oan the surface, it wis quite straightforward. Johnboy and Silent wid normally split the toon centre between them geographically, depending oan whit wis tae be ordered. Alternatively, Johnboy wid take the mair specialist orders oan, like the made tae order furniture that cost an erm and a leg fae somewhere like MacDonalds up oan Cathedral Street or specialist fabric shoaps like Montague’s oan Blythswood Square while Silent wid deal wae the furniture wans oan his ain. The mair upmarket shoaps required mair upmarket accents so that hid initially been a challenge fur Peter as well as Johnboy and Silent. They soon goat roond that by tapping in tae The Royal Scottish Academy ae Music and Drama where hungry students no only goat tae feed themsels fur a fortnight, bit goat tae practice some character acting wae the salesmen in the upmarket shoaps at the same time. There wur different parts tae the process, wance people hid spoken tae and goat the nod fae Peter the Runner. Wan crowd, usually couples, wid go oan the hunt roond the big stores, picking whit they wanted and writing doon whit it wis that took their fancy, hivving been reminded tae list the shoap price beside each item. Sometimes the couple wid either put the list back tae Peter directly or Johnboy and Silent wid catch up wae them in the toon centre and get it aff ae them at that stage. If there wis a bit ae slack, they’d hiv the time tae combine whit wis oan the new order list wae an existing list that a couple they’d awready pre-booked tae be in a specific shoap at a specific time oan that particular day hid made up. It wis always mair profitable and time efficient tae kill two birds wae the wan stane. The only thing they hid tae watch oot fur, wis no tae include two ae anything oan the list, other than things like beds, lamps, and stuff like curtains. Mair than wan couch, settee or three piece suite, wur kept separated fur obvious reasons. The other shit that they hid tae deal wae wis wae the wans who went in tae the shoap and did the ordering. Everything always seemed tae go like clockwork until somebody bottled oot ae entering the shoap premises wae an order at the last minute. Johnboy preferred tae deal wae the wummin. The wummin wur always the keenest at nipping in and daeing whit hid tae be done, bogus rent book in wan haun and a big fat furniture list in the other…nae messing aboot…jist in and oot. Snappy reckoned that this wis because wummin wur born tae spend and that it wis in their genes…especially if it wisnae their ain dosh they wur spending. He always took great delight in saying this tae noise the lassies up who hung aboot wae The Mankys. Nine times oot ae ten, it wis the menfolk that wid panic, usually at the last minute, jist before they wur aboot tae enter the store. Silent and Johnboy wur always oan haun nearby tae lend an ear tae the nervous or wae a wee bit ae encouragement tae the less confident. It wis probably the only time that Johnboy or anywan else fur that matter, ever really heard Silent speak mair than a few words at any wan time.
“Look, we’ve done this a hunner times before, so we hiv. Ye’ll be awright. Jist think ae the money ye’ll hiv in yer pocket when ye come oot,” wis wan ae Silent’s favourites.
If persuasion didnae work, Silent and Johnboy wid take the rent book back and gie the couple a few bob tae get the bus back hame. Wan time a couple hid turned up at the wrang shoap withoot wan ae Johnboy’s rent books and hid still ordered a load ae furniture aff ae a list that Peter hid gied them, only tae be telt by the salesman that he couldnae process their order withoot evidence ae a rent book. The daft basturts hid haunded across their ain wan and then hid spent the next three months denying they’d ordered the furniture, efter knocking it back when a massive big van turned up at their hoose wae their delivery.
The other Mankys thought whit they wur daeing wis a piece ae piss and a licence tae print money, filling flats wae furniture before moving it oan, bit there wis a lot ae planning tae be done before Johnboy and Silent goat their grubby hauns oan the dosh fae wan ae Peter The Runner’s punters. Fur a start, they’d need tae be in the toon fur aboot hauf nine in the morning until aboot hauf four in the efternoon, in aw weathers, zig-zagging aw o’er the city centre between George’s Cross and the Tolbooth Clock Tower at the bottom ae the High Street. It could mean running fae Anderston doon oan the Broomielaw up tae the Coocaddens, making sure people wur where they wur supposed tae be and that they wur oan time, hinging aboot tae retrieve the rent books back fae them, before moving oan tae the next couple. Wan day, when Silent wis in communicative mode, he’d telt Johnboy that he deliberately avoided cutting across George’s Square because he wis sick ae the sight ae it. The biggest headache fur them wis people turning up late. That always hid a knock-oan effect oan everything that happened oan that particular day. People who turned up late, even jist the wance, wur never used again, much tae the annoyance ae Peter, who’d whinge like fuck fur days, demanding an extra five percent oan his twenty percent cut wance the furniture money wis eventually haunded o’er.
“Dae ye think that couples willing tae dae this grow oan trees, ya pair ae haufwits, ye?” he’d whine, while passing o’er another new list ae willing wummin.
The only ground rule between Silent and Johnboy wis that they couldnae enter a shoap themsels. Johnboy and Silent hid hid a big falling-oot oan the corner ae Renfield Street and Bath Street wan morning in the pishing rain. Silent hid jist stood glaring at him as Johnboy hid laid intae him, calling him fur everything. It hid been the only time they hidnae met up fur a bite tae eat in Lewis’s restaurant oan Argyle Street in aw the time they’d been operating in the toon centre. It hid happened efter Silent hid gone intae G H Robbins in Queen Street when a guy hid bottled oot and his wife hid refused tae go in oan her lonesome. Silent hid taken her by the haun and hid steered her intae the shoap. Fur somewan who’d been so nervous five minutes earlier, Jean Harris hid taken tae it like a sperm whale tae water. Within two minutes ae entering the shoap, she’d started ordering aw kinds ae shite that wisnae oan the list.
“Bit, Ma, ma da made me come alang wae ye tae make sure ye didnae buy anything oan HP that we’ve awready goat at hame,” Silent hid pleaded, being forced tae speak and trying tae catch her eye, as the salesman decided tae go in fur the tap salesman-ae-the-month competition, by encouraging her tae go fur broke.
Silent’s saving grace hid been that if he hidnae escorted her in, she wid’ve bought enough stuff tae fill five flats wae. The salesman hid been so fucking greedy and accommodating, that he hidnae twigged that the rent book said it wis a two-bedroomed flat efter she ordered two double beds and a king size wan oan tap ae the two dining room suites and two three-piece suites. Silent hid confessed four or five weeks later that it hid been the only time he’d felt like bolting and leaving a punter tae their fate. The only thing that hid stoapped him wis that the salesman wis as bad as her and if she’d been let aff ae the leash, the furniture being ordered wid probably hiv been delivered in a fleet ae vans insteid ae the normal wan or two at a push, tae the pokey wee two-bedroomed flat oan Nitsdale Road. The wan good thing that hid come oot ae it wis that Silent never went intae a shoap again efter that. The other natural occurrence that hid developed nicely wis that baith Silent and Johnboy hid goat tae know maist ae the drivers and van boys who delivered the goods and who soon cottoned oan tae whit wis happening. A fiver every time they delivered tae wan ae the bogus flats soon kept them oan board. Johnboy remembered cadging a lift fae wan ae them wan time as the next flat they wur delivering tae was wan ae theirs across oan Woodside Road.
“Aw, fur Christ’s sake!” Tony cursed.
“Whit?” Johnboy asked, sitting up oan his elbows, opening his eyes and looking aboot, as Father Leonard put ‘Come Up and See Me, Make Me Smile’ oan the turntable.
“Pat.”
“Whit aboot him?” Johnboy asked, squinting at the group ae YOs in their vests and shorts beside the fence oan the other side ae the field.
“Who the fuck put him up tae go in fur the high jump? A bloody poodle could’ve jumped o’er that last bar,” Tony said, laughing.
“Ach, he’s happy.”
“Well, Ah’m glad somewan is.”
“How’s Silent getting oan being a linesman?” Johnboy asked, lifting his haun up tae shade the sun fae his eyes.
“Bloody embarrassingly pathetic, so he is.”
“Aye, he wis never intae his fitba. Christ knows whit made him put his name forward,” Johnboy mused, as he watched Silent run in the opposite direction fae where the players and the baw wur, waving his linesman’s flag aboot in the air.
“Remember that wan, Johnboy?” Tony asked, humming alang tae the words, efter Father Leonard put oan ‘Keep Oan Running.’
“Tony, whit’s gonnae become ae Silent?”
“Whit kind ae question is that?”
“Efter he gets oot, Ah mean, and Ah’m still in here or up in Perth or Peterheid?”
“Well, fur a start, ye won’t be in here because Ah’ll hiv goat ye oot by then. And anyhow, he’s a big boy noo. Ye’ve goat tae learn tae let him go.”
“Ah’m serious. Youse basturts don’t know the hauf ae it, so youse don’t.”
“Then maybe he’ll jist hiv tae grow up like the rest ae us. It’s gonnae be a tough world when we’re back oot there, grabbing whit we’re entitled tae. We cannae hiv baggage dragging us doon or we’ll be eaten alive.”
“Is that how ye see Silent? Baggage?”
“Fur fuck’s sake, Johnboy, we’re aw gonnae be rolling in it, so we ur. There’s you, me, Silent, Snappy, Peter, Pat, Ben, Jake, Simon…fuck, you name them…if they’re a Manky, then they’re gonnae be millionaires.”
“That’s a lot ae rich people, so it is.”
“Ye sit there and laugh, Johnboy, bit believe you me, when Ah get oot ae this place, heids ur gonnae roll…literally, starting wae that wee smirking boil-in-the-bag basturt.”
“That’s Vestas.”
“Whit is?”
“Boil in the bag. That’s Indian curries they dae that wae.”
“See, ye dae think it’s funny. Ah’m telling ye, when Ah get ma hauns oan that Wee Pie, he’ll wish he wis fucking born a curry, so he will. Come oan, Pat, ya big girls blouse, ye!” Tony shouted, as Pat turned, bent o’er and bared that skinny arse ae his at them.
Johnboy could understaun Tony being a bit miffed wae Wee Pie. Until Tony’s trial, Johnboy hid never been sure if Wee Pie wis his birth name or if it wis a nickname because he wis wee, gaun bald early and hid a roond face that looked like a pork pie. Wee Pie’s family ran a Chinese restaurant, no far fae Jimmy Tarbuck’s Chinese Laundry. The whole ae the family, including the auld granny, who must’ve been o’er a hunner, wur aw gambling daft. Wee Pie, who must’ve been in his late twenties, hid tapped two hunner and fifty quid aff ae Tony tae square up the family’s gambling debts. Tony should’ve known better. He’d always said that gamblers wur mugs and no tae be trusted unless they owned the bookies. Efter tracking Wee Pie aw o’er the toon, trying tae get his dosh back, the fly wee basturt hid eventually offered Tony a pound ae cannabis resin, rather than the cash tae square aff the debt. If cut up and sold in hauf quarter and quarter deals, Tony wid mair than double his money. Johnboy smiled, remembering the last time they’d dabbled in the stuff. Efter robbing Herbie, wan ae The Simpsons’ drug dealers, who wis filling in fur wan ae the local Provi cheque men when they wur younger, the swag hid included a bag ae cut up resin, as well as a pile ae dosh. Efter getting themsels intae trouble wae The Big man, fur hivving a go at a Simpson employee, The Mankys hid stayed away fae drugs, other than fur their occasional personal use. Efter passing the block ae hash oan tae Jake tae cut up and punt, word hid soon started filtering back that it wis shite, wae people demanding their money back. Nowan could fathom oot whit the fuck it wis that Wee Pie hid gied Tony, bit it certainly wisnae good Lebanese Gold or Paki Black, that wis fur sure. Jake McAlpine thought it wis a block ae Chinese lard or something, bit whitever it wis, it certainly couldnae be smoked. Tony hid been absolutely fuming. His reputation wis oan the line. Wance somewan goat a bad rep fur selling shite gear in the toon, it wis hard tae shake it aff…Wan-bob Broon’s name being a good example. It hidnae helped that the rest ae The Mankys thought it wis hilarious. Two days efter getting aw his Chinese lard back in quarter ounce blocks, Tony, Pat and Snappy hid gone oan the hunt fur Wee Pie, eventually tracking him doon tae the kitchen ae the family restaurant. According tae Tony’s girlfriend, and Wee Pie’s niece, wan ae the worst things anywan could ever dae, wis tae enter a Chinese chef’s kitchen withoot being invited. Johnboy didnae know aboot that, bit the reaction when the three ae them hid entered through the back door hidnae been the maist welcoming greeting that any ae them hid ever received in their lives. When Tony hid spotted Wee Pie nonchalantly leaning back oan a steel workbench laughing and pointing across at him, apparently telling everywan else in the kitchen whit a mug Tony wis, the place hid erupted. Wee Pie’s granda hid kicked aff the proceedings by gaun fur Snappy wae a big steel meat cleaver, while the auld granny hid started throwing eggs at everything and anything that moved. Meanwhile, Mammy and Daddy Pie hid charged forward tae protect their son, swishing the air in front ae them wae big sharp butchers’ knives in each haun like something oot ae a Bruce Lee film. Pat, who wisnae used tae this kind ae close quarter fighting, hid grabbed a catering size bag ae Chinese cabbage tae use as a shield while trying tae protect they skinny shins ae his fae getting stabbed, as he attempted tae land a kick oan Mammy and Daddy Pie. In amongst aw this, Tony hid started wrecking the place and anywan else who happened tae get in his way wae a baseball bat. Efter five minutes and a totally wrecked kitchen, wae an audience ae frightened customers peering in fae the restaurant oot front, a stand-off hid been reached. Tony hid kept demanding his dosh back, while Wee Pie, hiding behind his ma, da and grandparents, hid laughingly informed him that he wis wasting his breath, because his family couldnae understaun a word ae English. It hid been quite clear, even tae a blind man, that Tony wisnae gonnae retrieve his money that night, so they’d beat a hasty retreat. In the early hours ae the next morning, Tony, Pat and Snappy hid goat huckled oot ae their beds by the polis and charged wae trying tae extort money fae Wee Pie’s family. That hid been the reason that they wur aw daeing three years doon in sunny Dumfries. Tae rub salt intae the wounds, Wee Pie hid laughed and waved at them, efter gieing damning evidence against them fae the dock, as they wur being led doon tae the cells beneath the High Court. Unless Wee Pie hid heided back tae Shanghai, then he wis as good as deid, wance Tony goat his liberation.