Dust (11 page)

I shook my head at her. A few weeks ago, her implying anything like that would've gotten her a one-way ticket to my shit list. Now, I knew it was just Jewel being Jewel.

"What are you drinking?" Kill asked once we were alone—well, as alone as we could be around hundreds, possibly thousands, of students.

I looked down at my glass and back at him. "Honestly, I'm not sure. Something fruity."

"C'mon, I'll get you another one."

"No, I'm good." I still had half a glass.

"No doubt about that," he said, smirking.

We continued talking for what seemed like hours, but when I looked at my watch, it had only been about forty-five minutes. It had been easy and fun. We'd jumped from one topic to the next, but I didn't care what was being said. I just liked being with him, and if I was reading him correctly, he didn't care either. He kept touching my hair, stroking my shoulder. He'd whisper every now and then. When Jewel sent me a text stating she'd found Gabe, I was thrilled I'd get to spend the rest of the night hanging with Kill.

If fact, I hated to leave him for even a second, but after another hour of talking, smiling, innocent touches and flirting, nature was calling, and I couldn't avoid it anymore. "I need to use the little girls room."

He nodded his head to the side. "That way. I'll be right here."

I walked in the direction he'd pointed, but a blond guy stepped in front of me. "Hi, you must be Liv."

I stiffened at this man's abruptness. This was a party with a lot of people around, I reminded myself.
Chill out!
After a calming breath, I recognized him. He was the bartender Jewel had mentioned that night. The one that was interested in me, or something along those lines. He'd been gorgeous, but up close he was shockingly handsome. I couldn't remember his name, though.

"Have we met?" I asked, playing coy, hoping he'd clue me in.

"Not formally. I'm Dex." Right! That was it. I nodded. "Want to get a drink with me?"

I wasn't sure how to answer him. I liked Killian, so the thought of flirting with another guy felt weird, weirder than the thought would normally be for me. "I-I'm here with someone." That was the truth. I was here with Killian. We hadn't come together, but we'd been spending the evening with each other so far, and he was waiting for me. That had to mean he wanted to be hanging out with me and not some other chick.

"Ah, well, if it's just for tonight and you're not actually involved with anyone, can I get your number. Maybe call you sometime?"

How to answer that? In my split-second decision, I didn't see the harm in letting him have my number. I was quickly learning that making friends was a good thing, and not just some empty lecture someone had given me. I pulled out my phone, and we quickly exchanged digits before I dashed into the bathroom. I was eager to get back to Kill and our night together. I knew he liked me on some level. I just wasn't sure how much. It was fun flirting with him and just being near him. I could really get used to that.

I came out of the bathroom and rounded the corner where I'd left Killian before running into Dex. He was still there like he'd said he be, but I felt the blood drain from my face because now he wasn't alone.

Chelsea was with him.

That half-dressed slut had her arm wrapped around his and she was practically rubbing her body all over his side. And he was letting her. My head was spinning. What an asshole! Did he not get enough of her before? Apparently he was willing to give her seconds.

God, I was an idiot to think he might be attracted to me. If he was, he wouldn't act like that. Not when we'd been hanging out and having so much fun tonight. I felt like such a fool. He liked me as a friend. How many times did he have to stress that? I was broken and delusional to think a guy as sexy as Killian would want me. Or that I should want a guy at all. It had been a colossal mistake to imagine normal possibilities for me.

Thank the lord Jewel had met up with Gabe and was off with him somewhere. I couldn't handle her coming to my rescue again. I had to get out of here, but on my own two feet, head held high. Yeah, it was a load of crap, but I needed to do this. I walked over to Killian. He had his arm on her shoulder as he whispered something in her ear. I cleared my throat and did my best to keep it from sounding snarky.

Or hurt.

He looked up and at me, but didn't say anything. Nor did he take his hand off her. Right. Got it.

"I'm heading home. I'll talk to you later."

I turned and left as quickly as I could without actually running. I'd barely made it outside and onto the grass when I felt a hand on my arm yank me around. I gasped as I came face-to-face with Killian. He looked mad. Strike that, he looked pissed.

"What's wrong? Not having fun with Dex?" he asked, glaring at me.

"The fuck does that mean?"

"I saw you flirting with him. You gave him your
number
."

I stared, dumbfounded. Was he pissed because I was talking to another man? "Let me get this straight. You can fuck whoever walks past you, and I have to grin and bear it. But if I talk to another man, you get to go all caveman? Is that it?"

He let go of me and growled as he rubbed his face. Then he dropped his hands, but they were fisted at his sides. "Never mind. You're right. I'm sorry." He started to turn and leave.

Oh no. He wasn't getting away with a half-assed apology. I jumped in front of him and put my hands on his chest to stop him. He gritted his teeth, jaw ticking, but otherwise stopped and looked at me.

"No, I'm serious. I need you to explain this to me, Kill. Is this how it's going to work? You putting your dick in any willing hole while I stand around, your quiet friend with no social life? That's a double standard. And you fucking...know...it." I poked his chest along with the last three words to drill my point home. I might be all kinds of messed up, but that didn't mean I'd let him take advantage me. Of our friendship.

Of the feelings I had for him.

He shut his eyes and inhaled slowly, his fingers releasing, relaxing from their constricted state. "No, Liv. It's not. I was out of line coming out here and throwing accusations around. You're free to do whatever you want. I just thought that..." He shook his head. "Forget it. I'm sorry."

"You just thought what?"

He stepped around me, without answering. "Goodnight, Liv."

Why was he running away? Was he going back to Chelsea to screw away his problems? He was acting like a jealous boyfriend.

Holy shit. He
was
acting like a jealous boyfriend. Did that mean I hadn't read his signals wrong earlier? I watched his retreating back and knew, regardless of what he was feeling, I could see the emotional walls between the two of us getting thrown back up. Whatever he was feeling for me, he was trying to keep at arm's length.

I didn't want to define anything happening between him and me, but I sure as hell didn't want those damn walls there either.

I'd run after him and slid in front of him before I knew my feet had moved. He looked at me wearily, and I acted before thinking. I wasn't sure if I'd get another chance like this. My hands dove into his dark hair, and his defeated looking eyes sparked back to life. Encouraged, my lips crushed to his, taking the moment before it was stolen from me. Stolen like so many other moments I should have experienced but never got to.

I was getting this moment. Even if it was only one I stole back and wouldn't get to keep.

His mouth opened on a groan, a sound of surrender that I felt burned into my soul. When his tongue touched mine, electricity arced through my body. Hands. Oh god, his hands were on me then, yanking me flush to him. I could feel him everywhere. Hard, strong man, a barely contained shiver spreading through him. That made me hold him tighter, my fingers fisting in his hair as I went up on my toes to get even closer.

I was losing control of the kiss I'd been eager to have because he was quickly taking it away. He could have control. I was more than willing to give it to him. My back met a wall as his mouth demanded my surrender.

He could have that, too.

All I wanted was this here and now. He tasted like paradise, but smelled like sin. And I loved it. Wanted it. Wanted him. It was the first time in my life that I embraced anything like this, and I knew it was because of the man devouring me. He grabbed my knee and hitched it to his hip as he thrust himself against my core. I was melting into him.

"Get a room," some drunken male voice said beside us.

Killian stiffened then stumbled back, forcing me to release his hair. My wobbly knees would've ensured I hit the ground if I hadn't been leaning against the wall. As I took in a gasping breath for my starved lungs, I blinked to the side and saw a shocked Jewel standing with her mouth wide open and a sneering Gabe just feet from us. He was glaring at us. No, it looked as if he were staring me down. Why me?

"What the fuck do you want?" Kill barked at him.

Gabe didn't say anything. He just kept staring at me, his expression shifting from anger to inquiring with the slow haze of alcohol. I shifted uncomfortably under his questioning gaze. "Just where the hell did you come from?" Gabe slurred as he took a step toward me.

Killian jumped in front, shielding me from him. "Don't fucking talk to her!" He flinched, and I knew he was about to lunge for Gabe. I grabbed his arm to stop him. He wasn't in class, but I was sure there were rules about fighting on campus. He was too close to graduating to screw it up now.

"C'mon, sweetie," Jewel said to Gabe. I looked around Killian's arm and saw her tugging Gabe away from Killian.

"This isn't over, Kill," Gabe slurred as he stumbled to the side, but Jewel kept pulling him. "It'll never be over."

Jewel mouthed, "Sorry," to me as she dragged him away. I nodded at her and stared at Killian's back, waiting for him to turn around.

He didn't. He stood there, staring after Jewel and Gabe long after they'd disappeared around the corner.

I placed my hand on his shoulder. "Hey?"

He turned around. "I'm not up for partying tonight. Do you want me to come back later to make sure you get home okay, or are you ready to leave now?" he asked without making eye contact. I wasn't sure if it was because of Gabe or our kiss, but something had set him off to the point he wouldn't even look at me. Insecurities slammed me.

"I can leave now." With him gone and Jewel otherwise occupied, there was no reason for me to stay.

He gave me a curt nod and headed to the parking lot. I would've told him I could walk home, but I knew it was useless. I followed him to his truck and got in. He started the engine and drove me to my building without saying anything. I wanted to both scream at him to talk to me and slink down in my seat in hopes he wouldn't utter a sound.

After he parked, I hopped out. I heard him shut off his truck and get out, but until then, I wasn't even sure I'd get an official goodnight. Honestly, I still wasn't sure. Maybe he was just following me to the door out of common courtesy and not because he wanted to soothe any worries, or kiss me again.

When we got to the main door, I turned to him. I didn't want him following me up to my room just to turn and leave in painful silence. "Goodnight."

"Do me a favor," he said blankly. I stared, quietly waiting, wondering where his mind was and where this request was going to go. "Never go near him. I know he's dating Jewel, so it's going to be hard, but do your best to stay away from him."

I nodded.

He frowned. "I mean it, Liv. He's fucking dangerous. I'll be pissed if you do something stupid where that prick is concerned."

"I got it," I snapped. He'd gone all caveman on me. That was one picture he didn't have to draw out. Besides being irked that he'd be mad at me for something I might not have any control over, I was even more irritated that this evening had gone to hell and Killian was in no hurry to get out. I gritted my teeth and glared at him, watching as his shoulders relaxed. He finally reached for me.

My heart suddenly crashed in my chest at the new memory of last time I'd been in his arms. How could he make me mad one minute and turn me into a puddle of goo the next? I had no idea, but the man had some skills. I didn't care about Gabe. Gabe who? Killian was the only man who mattered. He slowly pulled me into his arms ... and hugged me.

Great, we were back to hugging. I guess the kiss really was a stolen moment. My chest hurt just thinking of it like that.

"'Night, firecracker." He released me, and I turned to go inside, not wanting to know if he fled as quickly as possible or stood to watch me safely inside. I doubted he would even think about the kiss we'd shared. It was probably no different for him than any other he'd had before.

But little did he know. Killian Ashley had just become the first man I ever kissed. It was a
first
I thought would never happen.

It was the only first I had to give.

Because my virginity? That had already been spoken for.

I
thought
Mr. Noble's counseling sessions had been torturous. Fuck, but the last week had topped that. Those meetings had been light fun compared to the mental berating I'd given myself over Liv. I'd royally screwed up with her, and I wasn't sure how to make it right. Or if I should even bother. Damn it, of course I should. I just didn't know what was right anymore.

The night of the fraternity counsel party, any modesty I had took a flying leap out of the nearest window the moment I saw her. She'd been the sexiest thing I'd ever seen, and I'd seen a lot of women. It wasn't so much what she had on—although she looked hot—it was the whole package. In the short time I'd known her, she'd slowly been coming out of her shell, but exploded onto the scene that night like the firecracker she was. I would've followed her around like a lost puppy if she'd let me. Hell, even if she hadn't let me. I hadn't cared if I'd looked like some young, inexperienced teen. I just wanted to be near her. I couldn't help but touch her every chance I got. At first it had been the need to have some physical contact, no matter how small. Then it had become a drug. I wanted her, and I knew I'd stop at nothing to have whatever little bit I could.

And that made her dangerous.

Unfortunately, I never shied away from danger. That was partly why I was so fucked up. But like a drug, I needed my fix. I hadn't been able to control my actions around her that night, and up until she'd run into Dex, I hadn't cared. If I'd dropped my pants and bent over right in front of her, I wouldn't have shown my ass any more than I had after she'd talked to that guy. On the surface, I knew it was good she was talking to men. Hell, Dex was a pretty cool guy. But seeing him flirt with her tripped all my possessive circuits. Liv was mine. Oh yeah, that made her even more dangerous. It wasn't her fault I was acting like a dick. I couldn't help my reaction, though.

Then Chelsea had come over. I knew she wanted me again. I'd been dodging her texts since I told her it wasn't happening, but I was pissed at Liv for no good reason and had every intention of using Chelsea to stroke my ego. Yeah, I was a bastard, and Liv had rightly called me on it.

But when she touched me, I knew I was a goner. I’d held onto my control by sheer will—a string that I wanted any reason to break. Yet, I held tightly to it because she was just a friend to me. No matter how much I wanted her, I knew I couldn't have her. Encouraging anything more would rip me apart. I knew it. I knew me. Then she kissed me, and all bets were off.

So. Fucking. Off.

If we hadn't been on the side of the fraternity house, I would've taken her right then...because my modesty was nonexistent, remember? I sure as hell knew it. Then that prick, Gabe, had opened his mouth, effectively dousing my libido with his words. I should thank him for keeping me from committing a misdemeanor and dragging Liv down the life of crime with me. But any thanks he got from me would come from my fists. Knowing it was him that brought me to reason infuriated me. It was all I could do to get Liv home and away from me before I either started hitting things out of rage or ripping her clothes off. I'd been too close to the edge.

So how did I handle it? I avoided it, that was how. I'd talked and sent texts to Liv as much as before. To any outsider, things looked normal. We were still helping each other with our classes, me with her art and her with my writing. Normal. A jacked-the-hell-up normal, but our normal. Only with a side of avoidance on my part. I'd seen the looks in her eyes, questioning me. She'd been too timid to address what had happened the other night, so it was up to me to broach that delicate subject. It was easier not to, so I did my best to stick to our routine.

However, with the semester almost over, helping each other wasn't as important as it had been. She was good at art and really didn't need my help anymore, though I wasn't stupid enough to come out and say that. We were still working on my research paper, but she was doing her final read through now, so I wouldn't have that excuse anymore to see her. I was glad graduation was just around the corner, but with school ending, I didn't know what that would mean for Liv and me. So instead of trying to talk about that kiss, I avoided it. I didn't want to say anything to make her mad and lose what little I had of her. I was a chicken, plain and simple.

My phone beeped, and I pulled it out of my pocket to see who it was. Liv. My heart raced in reaction.

"Got out of class early. Wanna meet for lunch? Have your paper."

I typed a reply that I'd meet her in the cafeteria and hit send. I shoved my books into my backpack and ducked out of class a few minutes early. The professor narrowed his eyes at me, but I didn't care. The only person who mattered, besides my grandfather, was the one person I'd do anything for, and right now that was finding the strength to keep our relationship uncomplicated.

She was sitting at one of two tables we usually sat at, but I didn't want to rush right over. I grabbed a tray and got some food—a burger, chips, fruit, and oatmeal cookies. I chatted with the servers as I loaded my tray and swiped my student card, but I wasn't paying them much attention because I was too busy telling myself to act normal and not run over to Liv. I picked up some napkins and finally made my way to the table where she was seated.

"Hi," she said, glancing up from her literature book. "Burger? Really? Do you not like your heart at all, or do you see surviving cholesterol and high blood pressure as a challenge?"

"Says the girl who eats chocolate for breakfast."

"Hey, chocolate has nutritional value."

I leaned back and shook my head. "Ah, that's why you scarf down chocolate chip croissants and mochas every morningbecause they're good for you."

"You say that like you don't believe it," she said, dead-pan, and I chuckled at her.

But just like the other days this week, it didn't feel natural. We talked. We laughed.

We avoided the massive pink elephant.

I picked up my burger and took a bite while she pulled out my paper.

"This is really good. I made a couple notes on your citations, but other than that, it's perfect."

I raised my eyebrows as I swallowed. "Cool. Thanks for your help. I couldn't have done it without you."

She bit her lip, nodded, and reached for the banana. I couldn't watch as she started eating it. It made me wonder what her mouth would look like wrapped around my...
shit!
I looked away from the too-suggestive sight as I willed my cock to go back down.

"So how's your art show coming?"

Chancing a glance at her, I looked just in time to see her lick her lips. The soft pink tip of her tongue peeked out, taunting me. I stifled a grown. At least the banana was gone.

"It's coming." I shrugged and forced my brain to focus on the conversation, not her body. "The pieces are much more personal than I'd planned on displaying." I was proud of them though.

"I can't wait to see them." She opened the bag of chips and dumped them on a napkin in front of me. I smiled when I realized she'd done it for me without thinking about it first. I grabbed one and ate it. She reached for one of the cookies and nibbled. I liked the easiness of our friendship. I couldn't lose it, and I wanted our normalcy back—all of it—which meant I couldn't hide anymore.

I cleared my throat and forged ahead. "I'm sorry about the other night."

She snapped her head up to stare at me, but that quick action made her cough on some crumbs. She grabbed my soda and took a sip before taking another bite of her cookie. She chewed slowly, watching me. Okay, I guess she wanted me to show my hand without showing her cards.

"Can we just forget about the kiss?" Her eyes popped before she schooled her expression. I felt like such a jackass. God, I didn't want to hurt her. I had to be honest with her. I couldn't tell her everything, but she deserved to understand. "I care about you so much, Liv. I don't want to do anything to damage what we have. You're too special to me."

She coughed again and took another sip of my drink. "You care about me, but you don't want to be with me?"

"I didn't say that."

"Then explain it to me." She sounded genuinely confused, and I grappled with the best way to explain my feelings without revealing too much.

"I've never had a relationship like this before." Shit, why was this so hard? I sighed. "I'm just not sure—"

She gasped and I stopped, jerking my head up to look at her. She coughed again, but wheezing a little this time. "What...?" she asked, grabbing her throat and looking at the tray. "Cookie?"

"Oh, fuck!" I jumped up and grabbed the cookie she'd been eating. I thought I'd gotten an oatmeal cookie. It was peanut butter.
Shit, shit, shit!
She was allergic to peanuts. I put my hands on her shoulders and forced her to face me. "What do I need to do?"

She shook her head, her breathing getting shallower. "Deserve...it," she wheezed. "Was...stupid."

What the hell? "No! This is my fault." I lifted her arms, hoping it'd open her lungs, but I didn't know what to do. Her breathing was getting worse. "C'mon, baby. I gotta get you to the hospital." I started to pick her up but she stumbled away shaking her head.

"Deserve...it. Shoulda...been...me."

She was speaking nonsense. I reached for her, not caring if she didn't want to go to the doctor, but she backed away again, putting the table between us. She was about to pass out or stop breathing. Oh god, I couldn't watch her die. Witnessing my mother's death was bad enough. "Please don't do this to me. Not you, too."

Tears leaked down her face and she slowly nodded. "Bag." She pointed to her backpack. I yanked it open and dumped it out. "Pen."

I found a plastic tube and looked up at her. "Now what?"

Her eyes rolled back and she started to slump. I jumped over the table and grabbed her before she hit the floor, easing her down to it instead.

"Dude, is she okay?" Somebody asked me from behind. I looked at the pen again and there were instructions on it. I had to inject it into her thigh.

"Get back and call 911," I barked as I unbuttoned her pants and tugged them down. I administered the medication as it stated and waited. She didn't wake up. I couldn't just sit here, waiting while she died. I let go of her, stuffed her belongings back into her backpack, slung it over my shoulder with mine, and righted her pants before picking her up. There were a few people standing around, watching, but I couldn't look at the panicked expressions on their faces. I ran outside with her in my arms. I was headed to my truck when I heard an ambulance. I jogged to the side where the paramedics had pulled in. They jumped out as I ran toward them with her. "She ate peanuts, but she's allergic to them," I called out as I reached them.

One jumped into the back of the ambulance and the other met me at the back door. "How long ago?"

"Um, ten minutes, maybe. I don't know. She had a medical pen that I gave her but she'd already passed out."

"Put her on the gurney, and give me the pen you used."

I did as he said and stood back while they worked quickly around her, hooking things up to her and shoving something in her mouth. They were throwing around words that freaked me out. Words like low blood pressure and anaphylaxis. "What's that?"

"Very serious. We're taking her to the hospital. You can follow us there."

"I want to stay." I didn't want to leave her.

"I don't have time to argue with you." He didn't look at me when he said it. He kept working on Liv.

"Shit," I breathed and jumped out. "Get her there!"

I couldn't get to my truck fast enough, but by the time I did, I heard their sirens as they took off with her. I threw my truck into gear and raced to catch up. Within minutes we were at the hospital which was a division of the medical school and, thankfully, on campus. I parked and ran into the emergency room. I rattled off who I was to the receptionist and told her what was happening.

"As soon as she's stabilized, you can see her."

Grabbing my hair, I forced myself not to scream at her. I started pacing. I walked to the waiting area and sat. My knee bounced over and over. Then I stood again and walked around the seats. I did this repeatedly—sitting and fidgeting, walking and biting my nails. I couldn't stand not knowing how Liv was doing. Fifteen minutes turned into thirty. Thirty minutes tuned into an hour. I'd asked a few times for an update, but got no clear answer.

"How is she?" Jewel asked, startling me as she ran up. I frowned at her, wondering how she'd known Liv was in the hospital. I hadn't called her, but seeing her now, I realized I should have at least sent her a text or something. She was Liv's closest female friend. "I went to the cafeteria and several people were talking about some girl passing out and you taking her to the hospital," she said, answering my questioning stare. "I put two and two together."

I shoved my hands into my pockets. "I don't know. They won't tell me anything."

Jewel glared. "Screw that." She pulled out her phone and called someone. "Daddy?" she muttered, stepping away. I gaped at her. Her father was a powerful man around here, and she didn't use that clout very often. In fact, I couldn't remember her ever throwing her dad's name around. She turned back toward me and came near. "Okay, thank you. Love you, too." She put her phone in her purse and looked at me. "C'mon."

I followed her to the receptionist's desk, hoping whatever she was doing would work.

"Hello. I'm Jewel Seaton. Governor Seaton's daughter. You'll be getting a call from him in a few minutes regarding a patient, and my best friend, Olivia Musgrave. Since you refuse to give a status update to her fiancé," she glanced at me in warning to play along, "maybe you'll like to answer to him. He's on the golf course right now with the dean of the medical school—you know, your boss—discussing this matter."

"I guess your father doesn't care about HIPAA violations." The receptionist rolled her eyes and looked at me. "It doesn't matter. Your friend's awake and asking for you. You can see her now."

She motioned toward a set of double doors, and I bolted without asking where she was. No way could I stand still while she rambled on about directions. I scanned cubby holes with curtains around them as I walked down the hall.