Dying to Remember (The Station #2) (12 page)

Alright
fine. He's a gorgeous guy, I give you that. Just be careful, sweetie.

Jess draws
her knees up, tucking them into her chest, resting her chin on top. For a
moment they just stare at each other, unsure of what to say, curious as to what
the other is thinking. Eventually Cole smiles and nods outside, at the
thunderstorm that pelts the rear windows of the house.

"How
long do you think it will go on like that?"

"The
storm?"

"Yeah.
Think it will let up by tomorrow?"

Jess blinks
at him, lost in his eyes. "I have no idea. Why?"

"Because
the more we talk, the more I really want you to see this place." Cole
shifts so he's facing her.

"You
aren't planning on dragging me out into the hills and burying me in the mud,
are you?" Jess asks with a laugh.

Her lungs
allow the air to escape that she was holding in when he laughs back. He wipes
at the corner of one eye before speaking, "Oh my god. No, it's nothing
like that. I just…you seem like, what do they call it? A kindred spirit or some
crap like that. I thought you might like this place I go to. That's all, I
promise."

"A
kindred spirit? Do you wish you were adopted, also?"

Cole runs his
hand slowly through his hair. This time they both laugh and the sound fills the
lower level of the house. It had been a long time, Jess thought, since anyone
had managed to make their laughter echo through her home. I knew she wanted to
get to know Cole better. But her thoughts were cloudy. Like I was stuck in
murky water, unable to see clearly, but knowing that something was not far out
of sight.

You should
probably check the dryer. You know, so he's not sitting on the sofa in your
dad's clothes when they walk in the door.

"Oh!
Your stuff. Let me check. I'll be right back," Jess says as she jumps off
the sofa and hurries out of the room.

She pauses in
front of the foyer mirror to look at her reflection. The moisture in the air
had curled the short hairs around her face, like they used to look when she was
a kid and they spent their summers at the beach. With a sigh, she swats at her
bangs and walks away from the mirror feeling darker.

Honey,
you're beautiful.

Her response
wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I knew she felt it was true, "I wish I
wasn't so damn ugly."

***

After retrieving
Cole's clothes, Jess waits in the foyer hallway while he changes in the
bathroom. I drum my fingers impatiently somewhere as the two manage a painfully
awkward conversation full of nothing but small talk before he leaves. As he
moves toward the door, I can feel the hormones surging through Jess's body, no
matter how hard she fights them; they were there. And Cole, based on his
constant sideways glances and crooked smiles, is feeling something similar.

"Tomorrow,
then? If the rain stops?" she asks as Cole shoves his dry shirt into his
wet jacket sleeve.

"How
about tomorrow - even if it's still raining?" His eyes light up when she
nods and he waves at her from the open doorway before jogging off toward his
used Jeep Cherokee.

Jess watches
him drive away and feels instantly sad that he's gone. For the first time since
her tenth birthday, her house had felt alive. More like home, when Cole was
there.

Yeah. A
cute boy with a great laugh tends to make us girls feel all gooey inside. But
how about we deal with the last boy first, before moving on to another one?

Jess closes
the door and slumps against it, sliding down to the floor. The tears came fast
and hard and within seconds, the front of her shirt is splattered with fat tear
drops. She cries for Chris. She cries for the baby she would never meet. She
cries for the parents that would never know how to love her. And she cries for
herself. Because she's stuck and doesn't know what to do.

We will
make it through this. You aren't alone. Remember…you will never be alone.

Jess tossed
and turned all night. Even though the rain stopped sometime around midnight,
the wind was still brutal; slamming into the wooden planks on the outside of
the house with enough force to rattle the windows in their frames.

It's perfect
for me. I have plenty of time to fidget with her mind. A little tug here, and a
shove there, and I have the next few days all planned out. That's if Cole
Manning doesn't throw a wrench in it all and mess up my little plans for the
weekend. The phone calls started from Chris's parents just shortly after the
Levy's returned home from the memorial service. Thankfully Vincent the Attorney
went with them to keep them in check, and according to Isabel's quick version
of the day's events, Chris's parents were too grief-stricken to notice the
Levy's hovering in the background. I seriously doubted, as did Jess, that they
were even aware of their son's violent tendencies with girls. But even if they
were, losing a child was not something any parent wanted to experience.

When Cole
shows up at the front door promptly at nine o'clock as previously arranged,
Mrs. Levy is the one to let him in. Jess takes the stairs down two at a time,
terrified of her mother spending even one minute alone with Cole. I don't blame
her.

"Mom,
you're up early," she says out of breath when she reaches the foyer.

"No
earlier than usual, dear," Mother Dearest says back in a slightly
exaggerated tone. "This boy seems to think you have a prearranged
engagement, is that true?"

Jess rolls
her eyes at her mother's intentionally formal words. "Yeah, Mom. I'm
getting out of the house for a bit, isn't that what you've been telling me to
do all week?" Jess grabs her coat off the entryway rack and sends a
scathing look in her mother's direction. There's no missing the pain in her
eyes, even though it
was
fleeting. When she blinks, she's back to her
cold self again.

"Fine.
Don't get sick. The last thing we need is a hospital stay, wouldn't that just
be great?" she murmurs as she leaves them standing alone in the doorway.

"Sorry.
She's a bit uptight," Jess mumbles just under her breath as Cole closes
the door behind them. The sun is struggling to peek around the clouds that fill
the sky, letting in fantastic sprays of light every few seconds on the
landscape in the distance.

"Seriously?
She wasn't that bad," Cole replies.

When Jess
cocks her head to the side and gives him a dour expression, he laughs. With an
almost rehearsed move, he reaches up and tucks her hair behind her ear.
"Okay fine. She's awful. The spawn of Satan. Is that better?"

Jess giggles,
but not because of his attempt to be funny. His fingers had barely grazed her
temple for a second but she could still feel them burning into her skin. She
was still giggling as they walked to his Jeep, and only stopped when Cole turns
to look over his shoulder, a confused expression on his face.

After she
climbs into the vehicle, and Cole slams his own door shut, she takes in the
sight of him while he fumbles with his keys in the ignition. He's wearing a
pair of jeans, tight in all the right places and a long-sleeved cotton shirt
that's scrunched up his forearms. Hair flops about his head in all directions
as if he showered and tousled it with a towel before walking out of the house.

I will Jess
to look away from him before I created fantasies of him myself. He's a cute
teen, would one day be a handsome man, and yes, there was something almost
familiar about him. But I refuse to focus on him. He isn't my case.

"Where
are we going?" Jess asks as the engine finally roars to life.

"Give me
an hour…maybe a little more and I'll show you." He winks and it takes all
my willpower to keep her from blushing.

This is
going to be a long, long day, isn't it?

***

After driving
north for almost an hour, and taking a series of back country roads to the
west, we end up at a place I would never have dreamt possible; the Grand
Canyon. The earth splits down the middle below our viewing spot, exposing an
endless view of jagged red rock. Beautiful wouldn't even begin to describe the
place.

"I'm
sure you've been up in these parts before. But this…this right here," Cole
turns in a circle and gestures at the shrubby growth and crumbling rock around
him, "…this is MY spot."

Jess doesn't
dare approach Cole. He stands just feet away from the drop off, looking down
below them with a satisfied expression, his hands tucked into the pockets that
sit perfectly on top of his butt cheeks.

"I'm
good over here, thanks," she says nervously, after he beckons her to join
him with a curt nod. Cole laughs, and quickly leaves the dangerous ledge to
join her where she waits close to the Jeep. He leans against the grill, putting
an elbow onto the hood of the faded blue vehicle.

"Like
it?"

"Oh yes.
It's amazing. I see why this is your favorite place."

"Yeah, I
come here a lot."

"By yourself?"
Jess's question is a way to delve into Cole's dating life and he catches the
subtle jab for personal information instantly.

With a grin,
he turns to face her. "You're the first person I've brought up here."

"Really?
Why me?" As soon as the words leave Jess's mouth, she regrets them, but my
curiosity is brimming to know the answer.

Cole smiles
warmly but something is missing in his eyes. Slowly he pushes himself off the
Jeep and stands once again facing the epic view of the open land before us. With
his arms crossed, and his head held high, he speaks quietly into the wind,
"Because…before I met you, this is where I wanted to kill myself."

***

Jess's tongue
is stuck to the roof of her mouth. The dry air has sucked the moisture from her
eyes but with Cole's words ringing in her ears they still find a way to fill
with tears. She pulls her quivering lower lip into her mouth in an attempt to
keep Cole from seeing that she was on the brink of crying for him. And not just
for him. But because she understood now what he meant…they were kindred spirits
indeed.

When her hand
touches his shoulder he flinches and doesn't turn to face her. So she stands
beside him, watching the birds flying high above the canyon until her knees
cramp from being locked in place. Eventually he looks at her with his
cloud-like eyes from over his broad shoulder and smiles. They don't need to
speak. She understands.

***

The first
time Jess had considered ending her life was the moment she left the abortion
clinic. It was literally the second the sun touched her face. Instead of
feeling warmth she felt hollow. What she had done would haunt her forever and
even though in her heart she felt it was the right decision at the time, she
would never truly forgive herself.

It came in
waves, her suicidal thoughts…more like challenges that she sets up for herself
as she goes about her mundane daily routines. In the morning when she wakes up
and first sees her reflection, she imagines what she'd look like in a coffin.
At lunch she'll only partially chew her food, hoping that a chunk will lodge
itself against the lining of her throat, stopping her breath. In the bath,
while shaving her legs, she fantasizes about what the razor blade might feel
like if she dragged it lengthwise against her skin.

I knew all
these feelings, having felt them before myself. After spending a considerable
amount of time sympathizing with Jess, I begin to softly push her away from
these thoughts and on to something - anything else that would distract her. I
have her practice finding something beautiful every time she looks in the
mirror and I make her count the times she chews her food before swallowing. It
becomes a game of life and death, and I have been determined to come out a
winner, with Jess on top beside me. I know what cutting feels like, so I steer
her away from that by filling her mind with thoughts of stitches and staples
and endless emergency room visits. Considering that both her parents were
doctors, this kept the razor on her leg stubble for the time being.

I also grab
on to her conflicted emotions about Cole with everything I have. When a person
is suicidal, distraction from the pain is good - but only temporary. Jess has
to pull herself up off the floor and find a reason for living. The void inside
her is not something any other living person can fill. But Cole was…different.
He had been there too, where Jess is. Perhaps their friendship could pull them
both out of the darkness and into the light together.

If I prayed,
I would do so every morning when Jess opens her eyes and dazes sleepily out her
bedroom window. Instead I imagine her happy. I hope for the change that will
come that will catapult her into the better years of her life.

Days became
weeks and those weeks slowly became months. It seemed every time we would get
close to moving on, something would happen that would snap Jess backwards into
a depression. But thankfully, she was strong, and I was patient.

Cole becomes
a friend unlike any Jess has ever had before. The town eventually forgets that
a boy died in her backyard and her parents went back to ignoring her. No
charges were ever filed against her for Chris's death and that alone dissipated
the ominous cloud that hovered over her head the entire summer. And her mirror
became a sister. A place she could sit and vent her inner most secrets and
fears without rejection. Slowly, she begins to see the beauty that she is. Not
on the outside, but the inside.

And hope. It
tickles at her feet like a feather, subtle but always present. Hope is what I
need for her to feel, so she can move on, so I could one day leave her.