Dying to Remember (The Station #2) (13 page)

Hope. It's
the most powerful four-letter word in the English language. She has to see it,
feel it -
believe
in it. And we're getting closer every day.

But then Cole
had to go and ruin everything by
kissing
her.

It happens at
the canyon drop off. Where they go weekly to sit on the hood of Cole's car and
talk about life after high school. Cold gusts of wind gallop up the canyon wall
with the horsepower of an entire band of wild stallions. Jess's long hair is
always in a constant state of mess from the wild breezes here but she doesn't
mind the fresh air and the view, be it the majestic one below them, or the
stunning one that sits at her elbow, lounged on top of the dented metal of the
Jeep hood.

They're
talking about the new school year and their return to separate high schools on
opposite sides of town, when Jess looks up to watch a soaring eagle. Suddenly,
Cole leans across the empty inches between them and tugs on the collar of her blouse,
pulling her attention and her head toward him. His mouth is hot and moist, and
as his eager lips wrap around her startled ones, she closes her eyes, shutting
me out from the view of his dark lashes that flutter closed against his cheeks.

Dang. I wouldn't
mind another view of that face up close.

If there was
a reward for 'Most Romantic Kiss Ever' Cole surely would have won the gold.
Jess melts into him, at first startled and unsure, but quickly gets lost in the
taste and feel of Cole's gentle mouth moving against hers. Even though she
parts her lips for him, he doesn't probe beyond them. The kiss is sweet and
innocent…and real.

What a
gentleman.

I fill my own
memory of the first kiss I shared with Sloan and though they were different,
the feeling was somehow the same; like I knew Cole through that kiss. He has no
clue I am such a huge part of Jess's life at the moment, but there was no
doubting all three of us are connected.

And then
school starts. The peace I had worked so hard for Jess to achieve over the
summer is shattered by the end of that first week. Though the old Betty's had
stopped talking about Chris's death in groups on street corners, the kids
hadn't forgotten. And everyone wants to hear from the girl herself how he died.
Jess was clamored by an endless flow of classmates everywhere she went.

"How'd
it happen?"

"Did
you see him die?"

"Is
it true that he died with his eyes open?"

"My
mom said it wasn't an accident."

"Did
you kill him?"

After five
days, neither of us can take it anymore. She begs, pleads and demands to be
kept home from school for her senior year. When they say she can't be
homeschooled, she threatens to run away. I don't agree with that concept, but I
completely understand it. Cole doesn't do as well himself. By then it was clear
that they were an item, and if the gory details couldn't be squeezed from Jess,
Cole was the next best target.

He lasted
three weeks in school before he locked himself up in his small, cluttered
bedroom. Being the son of a cop was hard enough, but dating someone who the
whole town thought killed her ex-boyfriend was beginning to prove harder than
any of us had imagined.

"Hey,"
he says through the phone. His voice sounds muffled and far away.

"Hi…what
are you up to?" Jess asks.

"Nothing,
avoiding everyone, I guess."

A moment of
silence passes between them as Jess tightly grips her cell phone. "I-I
miss you," she says quietly.

Cole sighs,
"Yeah?"

"You
going to school on Monday?"

"Ummm…no,"
Cole laughs.

"Me
neither. Want to do something?"

Please
don’t whine into the phone, love. That will backfire, trust me.

"I mean,
if you want, maybe we could get out of the house for a bit. I will. I mean, I
plan on doing something. You can come if you'd like," Jess stumbles with
her words, struggling to firm up her voice.

"Sure."

"Okay,"
she breathes out a sigh of relief. "So, how is ten - sound good?"

"Perfect.
And Jess?"

"Mmm?"

"Miss
you too."

***

The Levy's
weren't aware yet that Jess ditched the second half of school the week before,
but Cole's father is not only aware but furious that his son will not leave his
room and go to class. Cole stands two inches taller than his father, and even
though no violence had ever occurred between the two, the Detective was leery
to challenge his son. So he did what most parents do: threaten, ground, remove
the X-Box and everything else he could think of to make Cole's self-enforced
house arrest less tolerable. But he forgot to take the boy's car keys.

When Monday
comes around, he meets Jess at the pancake house looking scruffy and unkempt.
His clothes are ruffled and his hair sticks out on the sides despite being
hidden underneath a frayed ball cap. Jess's absence from school has cleared her
mind and left her feeling refreshed. Cole on the other hand seems to have
gotten worse.

"You look
like hell," Jess clucks as he settles into their favorite corner booth,
complete with a myriad of cracks up and down the vinyl.

"Thanks,
I was going for a certain look. I guess I succeeded." It's obvious he's
depressed. Panic settles in at the thought of him pulling Jess down with him.

Keep your
head up kiddo; smile and stay positive.

The moment
the thought leaves my mind and travels into hers Cole leans forward so his arms
rest on the faded orange table top. His eyes are barely visible beneath the bill
of his hat. Before he speaks, he glances nervously around them.

"I have
a question," he says quietly. His lower lip twitches and Jess leans close
to him, unsure of what was coming.

"Yeah?"

"What
do you know about suicide pacts?"
he whispers.

Back at the Station,
where some sort of magical port holds my body in limbo, my blood slows, running
almost cold enough to freeze, and my stomach does the sort of flip-flop thing
reserved only for free-falling rides at amusement parks.

Please,
no.

At first Jess
laughs. I know she doesn’t think what Cole said is funny - it's just her
nervous reaction to the words. But he doesn't know that. His eyes narrow and he
pushes away from the table, looking quickly to the left and right for
eavesdroppers.

"I'm
serious," he says coolly as Jess swipes at the little trickle of snot
running from her nose.

"What?"
she asks, her smile fading quickly.

"You've
never thought of it?" The paleness in his eyes glows as he studies her. If
she was to stare at his gaze long enough, I'm almost certain I'd be able to see
Jess's reflection looking back at her.

"With
you? Of course not! Why are you even asking me this?" Her voice is
thunderous and immediately Cole raises his hands to quiet her.

"So, I'm
not good enough?" Cole stares angrily at Jess, his eyes hardening.

"That's
not what I meant! I just…I just feel better now. I used to think about this all
the time, but since meeting you…I don't know, it's not like I sit around all
day long thinking about how to kill myself anymore."

"Sshh. I
don't want anyone to hear us!" he hisses.

"Really?
Perhaps someone
should
."

Cole slides
to the edge of the seat but just before he can push himself away from the
table, Jess reaches out and grabs his hand. The hat hides most of his face, but
we both see the wet tear track on his cheek. Slowly he pulls his hand out from
under hers, but she's faster than him, and she jumps up, swinging around the
end of the table and onto his bench, nearly sitting on his leg.

"What is
it?" she asks as he struggles to keep her from seeing his face.

"Nothing,"
is his grumbled answer.

"Cole. I
know you. It's not
nothing
. I thought - aren't we on the same page here?
We made a promise to each other, remember?"

Remind him
of your first date, or the first kiss. How if felt for the two of you to
connect with another person.

She reaches
out, cupping his scratchy chin in her hand. More tears have streaked his face,
but he hasn't dared reach up to brush them away. When he finally meets her eyes
his own look back at her like two over-flowing swimming pools.

"If
there's one thing I learned all summer, it's that we can't go through life
totally alone. People
need
people. And you and I, we're not that
different. We have people, but not the right kind.
You
are my people.
Don't you dare do anything to change that, got it?"

He stares at
her, allowing her to see the tears spill from his eyes and flow down his face,
dribbling softly onto her skin. She leaves her hand there while he leans
forward, kissing her forcefully on the mouth.

Kissing won't
solve this, but it's a start.

And it was,
because if they loved each other, they had something - someone else to live
for. Gently I work out a plan in her mind, a way to keep her from sending her
foundation crumbling down and hopefully a way to keep Cole from plummeting over
his own edge, dragging Jess to the abyss with him.

It's simple
really.
You have to take this one day at a time.

After all my
training and experience - that's it. That's all I have. Because I know Jess has
to do the footwork herself. You either want to live, or you don't. I've shown
Jess the joys of being self-confidant and independent and the benefits of
making real friends. I've shown her everything I have to give her and more. As
only the hitch-hiking passenger in her mind, I'll eventually have to sit back
and watch what she chooses to do. It's all up to her now. And I need to have
full faith that she can do it.

"I tell
you what. Today is Monday. Let's just get through today, okay? Talk about
tomorrow - tomorrow. Can we both do that?" she says with her lips hovering
just inches away from Cole's.

"Just
get through today?" he repeats.

With a nod,
Jess wraps her slender hand around his, enjoying the feel of his strong grip.
Eventually they stop staring at one another long enough to order a sundae,
which they share. Afterwards it's back to their opposite sides of town, and
into the bowels of the lives they so badly want to grow up and out of.

She avoids
her parents all evening, but Isabel corners her in the kitchen as Jess helps
load the dinner mess into the stainless steel automatic dishwasher. She
recognizes the furrow in the woman's brow…a chastisement was coming.

Isabel's
features soften as she gazes at Jess. After placing a worn and wrinkled hand on
her arm, she speaks quietly, "I know you have been sneaking out, Miss. You
aren't in trouble are you?" The woman's accent was strong.

"Everything's
okay Isabel, don't worry," Jess says, as she squeezes the older woman's
hand in hers.

"This
new boy. He's your friend?"

"Yes,
he's a friend," Jess says with a smile.

"Just a
friend, Miss?" Isabel peers at her with a knowing look.

"I don't
know what it is yet. But you'll be the first person I tell when I figure it
out."

Isabel's face
warms and she hugs Jess to her, something she doesn't do regularly, not since
Jess was out of pig-tails. The woman's full bosom threatens to choke her, but
she appreciates the embrace. Her parents never touch her.

"Just…be
careful with yourself, Miss." Isabel says with her eyes full of tears.

Jess blinks
slowly at her back while Isabel returns to cleaning the kitchen, bustling from
one counter to the other, spraying cleaner and wiping it off. She must have
known about the abortion. But she never judged her, never lectured her. Isabel
would always be Jess's people too.

***

The 'one day
at a time' pledge seems to be working for Jess and Cole. Both of them have
reluctantly returned to school, and do their best to keep their chins up and
their ears closed to the snide comments their fellow students make. It's the last
year of high school and I keep reminding Jess of this.

Just a few
more months and then you're free.

As Jess makes
more of an effort to be kinder to herself, I begin to slip away from her. It's
so gradual at first that I don't notice. She no longer hears my simple
suggestions. She's taking her mind over again - which is a good thing. That's
the way it's supposed to happen. But leaving her will be bittersweet. She seems
happy with Cole. He's sweet, he's kind to her. He knows a part of her that no
one else does and he can relate to it. And the fact that he was so easy on the
eyes isn't hard for her at all.

We had become
like a family; the three of us. So the day before Halloween, when the air is
full of electricity from the upcoming storm and moisture hangs from the clouds
impatiently awaiting a release, I'm not surprised to feel the tug between us
snap like a rubber band.

It's time.

Jess is
brushing her hair and begins pulling it back into sections; twisting the blonde
locks into messy braids. I watch her in the mirror, studying her features so I
will never forget them. She's humming and smiling to herself, thinking about
Cole. About the Halloween party her parents agreed to let her host that
weekend. About life. About a future.
Her
future. And just as the first
drops of rain begin to trickle slowly down her bedroom windows, I glance at the
reflection of her shirt that says: Live, love, laugh.

A tingle
spreads throughout my skin first and then the pinching starts as my vision begins
to tunnel out. I hold on for one more second, just long enough to flood her
mind with one final thought before the Station calls me home…