I felt my heart tug in my chest. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Tell me you love me.”
“I love you with my whole heart.”
“That’s all that needs to be said.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
She held out her hand to me and I took it. “So, can I go in the living room now? I miss my babies.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine.”
I stared into her eyes and searched for her emotions. “It’s okay if you aren’t fine, Ellie. You shouldn’t be fine.” I averted my gaze. I felt pathetic when I looked at her. I was supposed to protect her but I didn’t. I was a piece of shit.
“Please don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Blame yourself.”
“Then don’t act like you’re okay when you aren’t.”
She sighed. “You’re right. I’m not. I’m scared.”
“Don’t be scared. I won’t fail you again, Ellie. You and the kids are safe. You aren’t allowed to go anywhere alone and I’ll be home every night. You are safe, you are protected.”
“I don’t want anything to happen to you either.”
“It won’t. Don’t worry about me.”
She nodded.
“We’ll get past this together, okay?”
“Okay.”
I stood up and pulled the covers over her. “Get some rest.”
She sighed. “I miss you.”
“I’m just down the hall.”
“It’s not close enough.”
“Baby, it will never be close enough.”
21
Ethan and I went out and purchased my first gun. I filled out
the license for it and bought a safety manual. Then we went to the shooting range. I had never fired a weapon and I was glad that Ethan insisted I learn how. I couldn’t shoot a bullet through a wall, I had such terrible aim. After a few hours, I was able to hit moving targets and control the bite of the gun.
When we were done, Ethan showed me how to pull the gun apart and put it back together. I copied him until he was satisfied. Then he showed me the safety features and how to use it.
“Don’t ever take off the safety unless you’re going to use it,” he said. “And put this somewhere the kids can’t find it.”
“Where’s yours?”
“In the nightstand, but I keep my bedroom door locked when I’m not home.”
I nodded. “I’ll get a lock for my drawer
just in case.”
“You better.”
When we were done, we drove back home.
Ethan sniffed the air then looked at me. “Why do you stink? Did the kids make a mess this morning?”
I smelled my shirt. “No. Elisa threw up this morning. I helped her back to bed then took care of it.”
“Is she okay?”
“Yeah. She’s still stressed out about what happened. I’ve been making her rest but she still has minor panic attacks. I hope they go away soon. It will take some time.”
He nodded. “Yeah, it will.”
When we got home, Sadie was in the living room with Koku sitt
ing on her lap. The kids were lying on the couch watching television. I had the gun in my jacket pocket and I kept it hidden from the kids.
Sadie and I still hadn’t spoken in private. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she wanted to soon. She looked Ethan. “We need to get a Christmas tree soon. We’re running out of time.”
“I know,” Ethan said. “Let’s go now.”
“Actually, I wanted to take Elisa,” I said.
“Well, ask her, then,” Ethan said.
“I’ll see.” I walked into our bedroom and Elisa was reading on her kindle. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she said with a smile.
I took the gun from my pocket, checked the safety,
then placed it in my nightstand.
Her eyes widened when she watched me. “So you got one?”
“Ethan and I had target practice for a while. Now I know what I’m doing with it.”
“
Thank you.”
“I can teach you.”
“No,” she said quickly.
I sa
t beside her on the bed. “You wanna get a Christmas tree with us?”
Her eyes lit up. “I would love to.”
“You think you’re up for it?”
“I’ve been ready for it.”
“You threw up this morning.”
“Well, you cooked breakfast.”
“So you’re blaming that on me?”
“Yep.
I’m desperate. I really want to get a Christmas tree.”
“Then get dressed.”
She clapped her hands together. “Okay.”
When she walked in the closet, my phone rang. It was
Layla.
“Hey,” I said when I answered.
“Hey. Sorry to call so late.”
I looked at the time. It was three in the afternoon. “It’s only three.”
“Aren’t you in London?”
“Oh
, no. Actually, I came back a few days ago.”
“What? I don’t understand.” She sounded hurt.
“It’s a long story but basically I had to come home, and Elisa and I got back together.”
She was quiet for a moment. “Well, thanks for telling me,” she snapped. “I went all the way to London for you and you don’t have the time or decency to tell me something important like that?”
I felt like a total asshole. “I’m sorry.”
“I did everything to help you and then you just treat me like shit? Now I know how you felt last week.”
“I said I was sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I thought you were different. Fuck off.” She hung up. I heard the line go dead.
I sighed then hung up.
“She was in London with you?”
I looked at Elisa. “Uh, yeah.”
Her eyes coated with tears when she looked at me.
“I didn’t sleep with her,” I said quickly. “Nothing happened between us. She just helped me move.”
“She sounds like she’s in love with you.”
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t want you talking to her anymore. I mean it.”
I sighed. “Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. She hates me.”
“I don’t want her calling you.”
I turned to her and wrapped my arms around her. She was wearing a thick jacket with her waterproof boots. “Ellie, there’s only you. It’s always been you.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get jealous.”
I kissed her forehead. “I completely understand your feelings. I did go on a date with her. You’re justified in being upset.”
“I am?”
I laughed. “Yeah.”
“But I do want to apologize to her before I stop talking to her. Is that okay?”
“Didn’t you already apologize?”
“In person.”
“Can I come?”
“If you really want to.
It’s not necessary—if you trust me.”
“I do trust you.”
“It doesn’t make a difference to me.”
“No. You’re right.
You can go.”
“Thank you. Now let’s get that Christmas tree!”
She smiled. “Okay.”
She and I returned to the living room and grabbed the kids.
“Ready?” Ethan asked.
“Yes!” Becky and Tommy shouted.
Ethan opened the door and walked out with Sadie trailing behind him. I waited for Elisa to walk through but she didn’t. She just stood there with a look of fear plastered on her face. It was the first time she was leaving the house since the incident.
“
Actually, I’m not feeling well. You guys have a good time.”
I put down Tommy and took Becky from her arms. “Go to Uncle Ethan,” I said. The
y both waddled out the door. I turned back to Elisa. “There’s no reason to be scared.”
She crossed her arms over chest and didn’t meet my gaze.
I grabbed her hand placed it on my bicep. “Do you feel that?”
“What?”
“Ouch,” I said with a smile. “How about this?” I placed her hand on my solid chest then brought it to my stomach. “You feel that?”
She smiled. “Yes.”
“Please don’t worry about something happening. I can take care of you and our kids. Please don’t be scared.”
She said nothing for a moment. “
It’s just—hard.”
“
Ellie, I know.” I grabbed her face and kissed her. “But do you trust me?”
“Of course.”
“Then don’t worry about it. I would never put you in danger.”
“But you don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“You’re right. I don’t. But if danger comes our way, I will do everything I can to protect you guys.”
“I know.”
“Good. Now let’s go.”
She took my hand and let me guide her outside. I closed the door and locked it. Ethan and Sadie were waiting for us on the sidewalk with the kids. I wrapped my arm around her and we started our venture down the sidewalk.
Elisa was nervous and quiet, staring at the ground the entire time. I wanted to tell her not to stare at her feet, but since it was her first time out, I decided to leave her alone. I kept her close to me and kissed her cheek often, silently reassuring her.
When we arrived at the tree lot, she started to relax. The kids ran down the aisles, arguing about which tree we should get. Elisa followed them and pointed out the different trees to them. I kept a close eye on her at all time
s. When I saw a man approach her, I was there before the man could even speak.
“Hello,” I said politely. “Can I help you with something?” I wasn’t going to let this guy e
ven speak to her. I was tired of perverts bothering her.
The ma
n raised an eyebrow when he looked at me. Elisa stepped away with the kids. “Uh, yes. Is that your son?”
Now I raised an eyebrow. “Yes.”
“Well, the kiddo took my keys when I dropped them on the ground.”
A small laugh escaped my lips.
“Oh. I’ll get them for you.”
Tommy was making them jingle in his hand.
I took them away. “Don’t take stuff without asking for permission first.” He started to fake cry. “If you make that noise, you won’t get to decorate the tree with us.” He shut his mouth and remained quiet. I returned the keys to man. “Sorry about that.”
He turned around and walked away.
We finally picked out a tree and Ethan and I carried it while Sadie and Elisa carried the two children. Elisa stayed beside me the whole time. When we got it inside the living room, we placed it in a corner and started to decorate it together. The kids had a small section of the tree close to the floor and it looked like they were shoving all the ornaments into one spot, making it look messy. Elisa smiled as she watched them so I didn’t bother to show them the correct way. It was too cute.
When we were done, it looked marvelous. The lights shined bright and the ornaments twinkled from the light of the shining star on top.
It was the best Christmas I ever had—at least since I was a kid. I felt like I was part of a family. Sadie and I always spent Christmas with my dad but we never decorated a tree. We didn’t even exchange gifts. It didn’t really feel like Christmas.
I moved to the couch and pulled Elisa into my lap. “You should dress up as a slutty elf for Christmas this year.”
“We’ll see,” she said with a smile.
Ethan and Sadie sat on the couch with Koku
sprawled across their laps. The children sat next to us. I was excited to give Elisa my Christmas present. I really didn’t want to wait until Christmas to do it. I was too anxious. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that she would love it.
After we ate dinner, Elisa went into our bedroom because she said she didn’t feel well. When I went to check on her
, she was throwing up again. I thought she had healed from the incident but she clearly hadn’t. She seemed to be fine after she vomited, so she lay in bed. I returned to the living room and sat on the couch.
Ethan and Sadie st
arted whispering to one another for a long time then Sadie stood up and sat next to me on the couch. I knew the moment was here. I couldn’t avoid it any longer.
“Jared, can we talk now?”
I leaned back. “There’s nothing to say.”
“Well, I have plenty to say.” She stared at me but I didn’t meet her gaze. “You are everything to me, Jared. You are my family. I feel more connected to you than I do to
Mom or Dad. I’m sorry that I made it seem like I cared about Ethan more than you, but that isn’t the case at all.”
“It seemed like it.”
“I was angry at Ethan for the way he treated you. We argued about it for a long time.”
“You let him walk all over me and treat me like shit while Elisa was the one who broke my heart. You never said a wor
ld to Elisa even though you had every right to.”
“I know.
When I asked why you weren’t at her birthday party, she told me you couldn’t come. I obviously would have said something if she told me the truth. But I did say something to Ethan—many times. I’ve always been on your side.”
I shook my head but didn’t say anything.
She moved closer to me and whispered in my ear. “Do you hate him? Honestly?”
I was mute for a moment. “No.”
“Do you want me to leave him?”
“What if I said yes?”
She was quiet for a moment. “It would break my heart and kill me, but I would do it if it meant that our relationship would stay the same. I don’t want to lose what we have, Jared.”
“You really would if I asked you to?”
“Would you break up with Elisa if I asked you to? If I had a valid reason?”
As much as I loved Elisa, my sister was more important. Of course I would do it.
“Yeah.”
“Then you know that I’m being hones
t. Now what do you want me to do? If you want me to end it, then I would prefer to wait until after the holidays—for obvious reasons.”
“No. I don’t want you to do that.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. “Are you sure?”
“Marry him.”
Her eyes softened. “That means the world to me.”
“He and I talked. He apologized for his behavior.”
“I didn’t ask him to do that, Jared. You know how stubborn he is.”
“I know.”