Ember (6 page)

Roxie

I can tell I am not alone and pretend to still be asleep. Last night I slept really badly. I kept wishing I could fall back to sleep, but with the weight of guilt troubling me, I was finding it a little hard.

“I know you’re awake,” I hear Crystal giggle from beside me.

“No I’m not,” I grumble, which only makes her laugh again.

I roll over and crack my eyes open to see Crystal smiling down at me. God, why does she have to look so pretty first thing in the morning when I feel like crap? I’ve never been the girl who would wake up and immediately look presentable, however Crystal is just like that. Which is probably the reason why she doesn’t wear a lot of make-up: she doesn’t need it. But it’s completely different for me: I have to make sure I have concealer on to hide my dark circles and my trusty mascara. I do not like people seeing me without mascara and maybe some blusher too. Fuck it, I do not like people seeing me without my full face of make-up on, period.

“How’re you doing?” she asks.

“That’s a dumb question.” Ria says, appearing in the doorway.

“Shit, it is. I’m sorry.” Crystal’s face scrunches up with worry.

“No, it’s fine,” I reassure her. I look between the both of them. “Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but can I have some privacy?”

I feel a little bad by asking for some alone time as they look let down, but I need it. Especially first thing in the morning.

“Sure.” Crystal climbs off the bed and slowly makes her way out. Ria gives me a small smile before she turns around and joins her in leaving.

I shut the door behind them and breathe in a deep and calming breath. My skin feels itchy and sweaty from the craving for alcohol. I just want to drown my worries away by drinking them far from me, but when I look down at my stomach the feeling lessons and together with my breathing the craving lessons. Soon my belly won’t be so flat, and my baby will grow. I will do my best by my child and stay away from the drinking. Not just for the baby’s health, but for mine, too, because when this baby is born, he or she will need a healthy mother to care for them.

I decide a hot shower to calm my shaking will help. While I’m under the comforting hot water, I stare down at my belly and softly trail my fingers across it. I wonder about the life under my fingertips as I lightly stroke it, and about how much my life is going to change. I think of the things I need to confront before my baby arrives, and I become nervous. The thought of telling Mason scares me. I don’t like secrets. That’s what got me into trouble in the first place.

I wrap myself in a white, fluffy towel and when I exit the bathroom I see all the girls sitting on the bed. I can’t say I’m surprised. I sigh loudly and walk over to the wardrobe, deciding on what to wear while ignoring their stares.

“Morning, mummy,” Paige smiles and the word makes me tense. “Crap, I’m sorry,” she quickly adds.

“No, it’s ok,” I reply.

“Listen,” Lacey begins. “I think we should go to the doctor, get your dates confirmed.”

“Dates?” I turn around to look at her.

“Yeah.” She slowly nods. “I thought that if you know the dates, you would be able to tell if Mason is the father or not.”

Her words hit me hard. Not because I think she’s being cruel, but because this fucked up situation is suddenly very real. Tears fall straight away and when the sob escapes my throat, Lacey and Ria come running up to me.

“Shit, sorry honey,” Lacey says as she rocks me.

“I just don’t know what I’m doing!” I cry into Lacey and let her kindness comfort me.

Lacey lifts my head and keeps hold as she speaks clearly. “Let us know what you want, and we will support you all the way. No matter what you choose, you have us all, do you understand?”

I continue to cry, my tears spilling onto Lacey’s hands.

Paige steps closer to me. “Are you listening, Rox?”

I look at them each and my crying slows. I finally nod my head and try to control the sobs.

“Thanks, girls.”

“There’s no need to thank us, darling,” Crystal says and smiles.

This whole situation is so fucked up. My troubles are once again affecting everyone else. How am I supposed to come clean to Mason, when he can’t even stand to be around me, yet he has no trouble calling his blonde slut?

The fact that I can’t be one hundred percent sure that this baby is Mason’s makes everything so much worse. When I tell him that I am pregnant, I will have to tell him that there’s a chance this baby isn’t his. That will break him. But this baby is also mine, and I will not erase the problem. I want this baby. I just hope it’s created out of love and not terror.

“I’ve made the doctor’s appointment,” Lacey tells me. “It’s for tomorrow.”

I smile and nod, but inside I’m nervous as hell. I know I’m pregnant, but this is a step forward, a step I need to take. I just hope this will all work out for the best. At least I have my girls beside me all the way.

Roxie

That afternoon I continually think about going to the doctor’s tomorrow. I have no idea what’s going to happen, and why should I? I’ve never been in this situation before. It’s a scary thing, but I’m also a little excited. This is the next step into motherhood. I just hope I’m not going to turn out like my mom. Then the realization that I haven’t told my parents that I’m pregnant yet hits me.
Oh fuck!

I can only imagine what my mom is going to say! Lacey sees the panic on my face and asks me what’s wrong.

“I have to tell my parents.”

Hearing this Lacey laughs. “Good luck with that.”

“Bitch.” I say, glaring at her.

She knows how bad my mom is. God, I am not looking forward to this conversation. I feel like a naughty child.

“When are you going to tell them?” she asks and smirks.

“Not yet,” I quickly answer.

“I’ve heard that you don’t tell anyone until you have gone past the three months stage,” Paige adds from across the room.

“Why is that?” I ask.

“They’re the most risky months,” Ria adds.

“Risky?” I ask, a little worried. I place my hands protectively on my stomach.

“Don’t worry.” Crystal cuddles up to me. “Nothing will happen to our little seed.”

“Seed?” Lacey asks. “That sounds wrong.”

“Yeah, it does,” I agree laughing.

“Well, what else shall we call the baby?” Crystal asks.

“How about baby?” Paige says sarcastically.

“That’s boring.” Crystal frowns.

***

I can’t believe that I have to wee into this cup!

I’m at the doctor’s, and as soon as I sat my ass down on the chair, she told me the first thing we need to do is a pregnancy test. I told her that I had taken a lot already, but she wasn’t swayed. Apparently, they have to have it on their records, so here I am in the toilet holding a cup that I have to pee in.
Eww.

Somehow, I am able to hover over the toilet and hold the cup in place while not getting anything on my hand. Once I’ve washed my hands and made myself decent again, I knock on the little window on the wall, and it opens. The doctor helpfully told me that once I had my sample, I just need to pass it through the little window on the wall so I’m not carrying around a cup of wee.
Thank god!

The hand appears through the small window, and, thankfully, I can’t see my doctors face and she can’t see mine. That would have made it worse.

I quickly exit the toilet and go back into the doctor’s room where Lacey sits, waiting for me.

“How did it go?” she asks.

“So embarrassing,” I whisper.

“Don’t be silly. I bet she’s done this hundreds of times,” she assures me.

“Yeah, but I haven’t,” I grumble.

Lacey just laughs, but stops when the doctor returns to the room. She sits back down behind her desk and smiles across at me. I can see her judging me by the way her harsh eyes don’t match her fake smile, I don’t like it.

“So Roxie, the test has come back positive. Congratulations,” she says and smiles.

“What happens now?” I ask.

“That depends on what you want to do.”

“I’m keeping this baby,” I reply firmly.

“Well then, I will be in touch with the pregnancy department, and your midwife should contact you with your first appointment.”

“Oh,” I say. “So, we can’t see how far gone I am today?”

I really wanted to narrow down the dates today.

“Not until your first scan. Why? Do you have some worries?” she asks, a thousand judgemental thoughts running through her head I bet.

“No,” I add. “I just wanted to see how far along I am.”

“When was your last period?” she simply asks.

“I think I’ve missed two.” I’m not totally sure. I was preoccupied while at rehab to really notice. I’m praying that I have missed two because that means the baby has more chance of being Mason’s. When I slept with Joe, I knew he used a condom, but with Mason we forgot most of the time. If I have only missed one period then there’s more risk of Joe being the father.

The doctor gets a little graph out and asks me what I think the date might have been on my last period. This is tricky, because they’re usually pretty irregular, but I’m able to work out a rough date.

“Ok,” the doctor adds as she looks at the paper in front of her. “That makes you roughly nine weeks pregnant.”

My breath hitches. Nine weeks...my baby could be nine weeks along. A little happiness washes over me when I think about that.

“Of course, that’s not one hundred percent. The scan will be more accurate,” the doctor adds.

“When will that be?” Lacey asks for me.

“They are usually when you’re around twelve weeks pregnant. So if the midwife agrees with me on how far along you are, you could have it in three weeks’ time.”

Hearing that makes me so excited.
I can see my baby in three weeks’ time! Yes, on a screen, but I can’t wait!

We thank the doctor and leave. The drive back to the house is spent with me daydreaming as I look out of the window with a grin on my face. For the first time in a long time I am happy.

Roxie

The next day Cole decides to have a spur of the moment BBQ. So seeing as it’s a lovely day, I get dressed in my blue summer dress that ends just above my knees.

When I head downstairs, I’m grabbed in a bear hug by Booker.

“Looking good,” he says and assesses me.

Booker is a very good-looking man but there’s nothing there between us. We’re just good friends. Besides, my heart is too invested in Mason to even think about anyone else right now. Plus I think there’s something going on between him and Crystal. I might have to ask her about that some time.

“Thank you, Book.” As I make my way through the house, I see the guys are all here apart from Mason. I haven’t seen him yet. I doubt he will even come because I’m here.

“Come sit down Rox!” Lacey shouts at me from the other side of the pool.

When I reach the table she’s sitting at, she holds up a hot dog for me and the sight of it makes me feel sick. My eyes widen and I cover my mouth with my hand.
Oh fuck.

Lacey sees my reaction and shoves the food away from sight. “Sorry. I didn’t know.”

“No, it’s fine.” I sit down next to her. I haven’t been sick this morning, thank god, but the sight of that hot dog nearly made it return quickly. “I guess some foods are starting to make me sick now.”

“All the perks of being preggers,” she whispers.

We’re alone for now so we’re able to gossip about the baby. But then I hear Tate shout a name that makes my stomach fill with butterflies.

“Mason!” Tate shouts in a greeting.

Mason walks out into the garden and my stomach crunches with the love I have for this man. When I see how fucking good he looks, too, a tingling sensation begins between my thighs.

He’s wearing a huge smile with his black aviator glasses on. With his tight black shirt, showing off his sleeved tattooed arm and his denim jeans that cling to his ass and thighs, I crave him.
Fuck, I want him so bad!
Damn these hormones, but they’re not entirely to blame. Mason just looks
that
good!

I watch him as he walks over to Cole and slaps him on the back. My sickness has all gone and replaced with a feeling much stronger. Lust.

“You better close that mouth of yours because you’re going to make a puddle,” Lacey giggles.

“Shut up,” I laugh, but cautiously wipe the corner of my mouth. Lacey laughs loudly and I can’t help but join along with her.

Eventually, Mason begins to walk up to me and Lacey gives me a bullshit excuse and quickly leaves me alone.

“Hey,” he greets, standing over me.

“Hi.” I shuffle in my seat at the intense feeling happening down below.

“Listen, Roxie, I’m-“

“Don’t say you’re sorry,” I cut him off.

“But I am,” Mason continues with a sorry frown.

“I know, and so am I, but I think we need to move on from saying sorry,” I laugh.

Mason takes Lacey’s seat next to me. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

We need to move on from all of that now, and, besides, I don’t think I can bear to hear him say Natasha’s name. It’s too soon. Probably the same reason why Mason doesn’t like to hear me say Joe’s name.

“So what have you been up to since you got out of rehab?” he asks,

My mind runs to the doctor’s appointment yesterday. “Nothing exciting. It’s just nice to relax and be with my friends again.”

Mason turns in his seat to face me a little more. “You look really well, Rox.”

“Thank you.” I look down at my hands because I can’t look at him.

Mason reaches over and lifts my head with his finger. When I look back up at him, his eyes are shining and his dimples are deep.

“Don’t be embarrassed, babe. You did good, and you should be proud. You look like the Roxie I first met, and it feels good to have her back.”

“It was hard, hell, it still is, but I know that I’m better now. I won’t be going back there, I promise you that.”

Mason lets his hand drop. “Good for you.”

“Thank you again for what you did for me.” I take hold of his hand. “If you didn’t, I don’t know what would have happened.”

“You still would have been here, healthy, with me. You were already going to rehab, I only made sure you went to a better one.” He smiles and my cheeks heat as those gorgeous dimples pop.

“I know, but you helped, and you didn’t need to.” I was about to add,
especially seeing as what I did to you,
but I just told Mason not to bring the past up, so I better not, either.

“But I did.” He places his elbows on his knees and leans in. “I loved you, no I still love you, Roxie. I would have, and still will do anything I can to help you.”

All I can do is smile, because he’s made me speechless.
He loves me?

“Do you want a drink?” he asks me and quickly adds, “Shit!”

His raised voice makes me jump. “What?”

“Fuck, I’m sorry, Rox. I didn’t mean
a drink with alcohol
, I meant just a normal drink, not
that.
” His face looks so guilty and worried, I can’t help but laugh.

“I’m sorry.” I laugh some more. “Mason, you can say the word alcohol, it won’t kill me.”

“Oh god.” He angrily rubs his face. “Sorry, Rox.”

“I know. It’s fine.” I can only imagine how weird it would be from his point. “And I’ll have some water, please.”

Mason nods his head and runs off to fetch me my drink. I watch him and I don’t even realize I am smiling, until I catch Lacey and Crystal watching me with amused looks. Mason quickly returns, and for the first time since I’ve seen him, he asks me about my time in rehab.

“So, how was it in there? Is it like a hospital?”

“Yes and no,” I reply. “There’re the doctors, obviously, but they’re more relaxed, and only certain rooms look like they belong in a hospital. After my first week there, I was able to go into the common room and into the gardens. It was surprisingly nice there.”

“It should be, given to the costs,” Mason laughs.

“Shit, I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful.” God, I feel bad now.

“I didn’t mean it like that and you ought to know that.” Mason smiles sweetly.

“When are we going to be able to talk without apologizing?” I ask him, because it saddens me that we were once so comfortable and in love with each other, and now look where we are.

“Let’s add that to the things we put behind us.”

“Agreed.” I start to become a little breathless with the way Mason is looking at me. His words repeat in my head,
“I loved you, no I still love you, Roxie. I would have, and still will do anything I can to help you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch,” he apologizes again.

“You’ve broken the rule already,” I laugh.

“But I mean it,” he insists.

“Look, I didn’t even talk to Lacey. I was in no fit state to speak with anyone, and I believe it helped me. So don’t worry, honestly.”

“I’m glad we can still be friends.” He smiles and I’m surprised that I am able to, because the words rip my heart out. “I would hate it if we still couldn’t be at least friends after everything.”

“Me, too,” I whisper back.

I thought that maybe we could give it another try, but I was obviously fooling myself. Who am I kidding? Mason will never take me back, especially not when he finds out that I’m pregnant and it might not be his baby.

“No weirdness, just being us. I want to help you, Rox. I will be here for you for whatever you need, whenever you need me.”

Tears fill my eyes and I can’t take this anymore. I leave him at the table and run inside. I ignore the girls shouting my name and the guys looking at me. I don’t stop when I reach the inside of the house. I’m about to run up to my room when a hand catches me. I’m stopped and spun around to face Mason.

“What the fuck?” he asks, and he doesn’t look very happy.

“I can’t do it,” I whimper.

“Can’t do what?” Mason asks, and I hear the worry. He probably thinks I’m referring to drinking, but he has no idea.

“Ignore what we had,” I finally answer.

Mason’s eyes widen. “Rox...”

“I know, I heard what you said. You want to be friends, and I will be your friend, but just know that it won’t be easy for me.” I try to pull away from him but he pulls me against him.

Mason leans down his forehead onto mine. I hear him breathe me in and my body softens against him.

“I still love you, Mason. I don’t tell you that to try and get you back, but I tell you because this is hard for me. I don’t expect you to forgive me, because what I have done is unforgiveable.”

Mason lifts his head and tilts mine to look up at him. He caresses my cheek softly. “I still love you, Roxie, don’t mistake that. But I’m scared that my world will hurt you again, and I can’t take that risk.” He takes a deep breath as he wipes away my lone tear. “For now, we stay friends.”

His words are harsh but are a reality. Our reality.

I soon realize that this is my best offer. If I want Mason to stay in my life, and seeing that there’s a great possibility that he’s going to be the father of my child, I need that.

“Ok.” I nod.

Mason smiles down at me. “You wanna get out of here?”

I recognize that cheeky look. “What are you up to?”

“Look behind you.” I do and see that we have an audience. They even have the cheek to turn away when they see me looking. “Let’s get away from their eyes for a bit.”

I laugh at our friends, but agree to go wherever Mason wants to take me. He takes my hand and quickly leads us out of the front door and to his car. He doesn’t tell me where we are going, but as he drives, a strange feeling of normalcy settles over me.